


The Rivers Between Us are Deep

by JohnLear (Respiranina)



Category: Shefani, The Voice (US) RPF
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Fluff, Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-11-27
Packaged: 2019-04-07 11:10:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 89,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14079603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Respiranina/pseuds/JohnLear
Summary: After the heart breaks, it heals but still aches.





	1. Steamroller

**Author's Note:**

> So I finally got this baby completed. Now this is heavily inspired by the TV show Nashville but of course Blake and Gwen have their own history so the plot isn’t exactly the same. That would be boring. Hope you like it and thank you to everyone who brought me back. Your inspiring words led to these inspiring words so you have no one to thank but yourself. :)

It started in July.

Gwen swiped two fingertips across the surface of a creamy, iridescent skin cream specifically applied to dry creases and inconsolable joints.

In the distance, she heard her mother pour boiling water from grandma’s old clay teapot over tightly-packed sachets of sour-smelling green tea into Patty’s favorite shallow, wide-mouthed bowls.

A fleeting sting brought her back to her slick palms, where on closer inspection, she prodded and poked at a thin paper cut making its home across the side of her finger. She barely felt it, barely registered how she got it. But she ran and soaked the hand remedy into her flesh despite the soft burn.

The cream smelled of wisteria-honey—her favorite—and so she dutifully massaged it across the back of each hand, in tiny circles with the opposite thumb and took comfort in skating it over her raw cuticles.

The kitchen screen door slammed closed to the sound of glass cups and silverware jangling on a metal tray.

Gwen’s hands moved in a calm float over the make-up table when she was finished to pluck up a tiny glass container of rose polish and wet a slim brush with a hundred tiny black hairs. She began to paint over the base of each nude fingernail, and blew gently across to encourage the varnish to dry.

“Mom! Mom come here!”

Her youngest came running into the room with blinding excitement. She looked up momentarily. He was wearing a white straw hat; his own dark hair roots had disappeared beneath weighty, platinum waves that fell to caress his shoulders ever since he begged her to dye it a month ago. One eye was nearly obscured by the ripple of thick curls beneath the clearly too large hat. Paired with the dazzlingly rhinestone jacket and tawny patterned boots he received last Christmas, Gwen wondered where her little—not so little anymore—cowboy got the hat to complete the look.

“Where’d you get that?” She asked absently, squeezing some more of her delicate cream onto the pads of two fingers, and began a drawn-out, meditative massage of her face and throat.

She felt a big hand—bigger than she recalled since he hadn’t held hers in years—reach over and grab her wrist.

“Mom come on!”

Gwen allowed herself to be dragged from the guest room vanity and down the hall to the foyer. The light in the room was amber-tinged as the chandelier was carefully placed upon the ceiling to play up only the best features of the room and its inhabitants, the way candlelight would. Her parents’ front entrance held so many pictures and trinkets. But the fact that the foyer was also a big sitting area with overstuffed settees and sofas, and a tabletop humidor that was always open was its finest feature. The distinctly warm, sweet smell of premium tobacco wafting from it was her older brother’s signature and the glasses of the chewiest, most complicated whiskey she’d ever tasted was her little brother’s. But there was a single bottle of clear vodka in the middle of the table with a red silk bow tied to the top of the rim. It stirred something warm inside of her, immediately.

Apollo let go of her wrist to run back to the familiar face by the door.

A soft, wide smile in a face painted a perfect rose pale was the first thing to greet her. His raindrop-shaped eyes—a strikingly royal blue-green—was the second. The deep oxford blue shirt was similarly colored where it sat high on his shoulders, opened carefully at the top to show light skin and the inviting shadows of collarbones. The fabric gradually split open as her friend moved and shifted subtly to reveal darkened chest hair—slate-grey as the eye travelled downward. His slicked-back hair was the color of glazed ginger and burnished cognac but his roots were the color of fog and could only be described as awfully flattering. He always did have a way of making even the ugliest things pretty.

Apollo was hanging all over him at his side, and the older man slung an arm around his shoulder, a firm but gentle hand running through the boy’s locks at the base of his neck, avoiding moving the hat still placed firmly on Apollo’s head. He gripped the back of her son’s neck with as much love and affection he could muster but his eyes were on her, and only her.

“Uncle Blake! Blakeeey.” Apollo whined in that old voice he used to have as a little boy and it yanked Gwen from the present to the past for just one glorious second.

Blake tore his eyes away from her to smile at the sixteen year old. He pulled Apollo in for a long, hard hug and watching as fingers grasped fabric and faces pushed into familiar shoulders, Gwen felt that all too familiar tug herself in the deepest parts of her purple heart.

“I missed you.” Apollo murmured into whatever space his mouth had left while still holding onto the older man tightly.

“I told you there ain’t nothing to miss.” Blake replied.

Gwen lips parted on a sharp inhalation at the shock of a deeply smooth voice sounding through the room. She forgot what it sounded like un-slurred and nonviolent.

The pair parted and her eyes traced Blake like she was studying him, eyelids quivering and throat swallowing. Blake caught her eye for a brief moment before looking back to Apollo.

“Let me catch up with your mama.” He told the younger man. Apollo nodded and left them to reacquaint themselves for what felt like the hundredth time.

He took a few steps forward until he was stood behind the same oversized leather armchair into which he’d slovenly sunk on his previous visits; this time, he stood at his full height, and lightly rested his hand on the chair’s curved back. Gwen’s eyes closed longer than a blink as that voice was directed at her so suddenly. “Beautiful.” He said softly into the air and let it float around in her surprise and confusion until he snatched it back to continue, “There must be a better word.”

She could feel her desires come creeping up on her. She swallowed the dryness down her throat and, dismissing the folly of her heart and the blushing of her cheeks, she straightened herself up and smiled at the compliment.

Blake looked unaffected by her reaction. After all, his desires did creep more slowly than hers. His passion, however, uncoiled quickly like a newly greased spring.

“You got room for one more,” he asked, quite simply, as if the acceptance from her family was so easily given. It was, but sometimes she wished it wasn’t.

“You know you’re always welcome.” She replied.

Blake smiled outwardly, glowing a little, and she was so fond of it, his dimples, his crows feet, his soft little expressions of surprise.

“Hey.” He broke her reverie. “Come here.”

His eyes became hooded as she approached him slowly, blue dancing with brown, colors that shouldn’t work but do. His breath was as shallow as hers when she finally stood in front of him again. His chest fluttered as her hand moved up and pressed, burning through his shirt and into his skin. She knew, in that moment, that they were unsafe. At a distance he could be a mere thought, but here, in flesh and bones and a thirty-five year history that stretched across both Montana and California, he was unavoidable.

Blake’s hand found hers on his chest and squeezed momentarily. He smiled down at her and Gwen half-smiled back, feeling the weight of a thousand memories pressing down on her. Her hand moved from his embrace and travelled roughly to the underside of his left arm where she knew his wound would be.

“How’s your arm?” She asked quietly.

Blake shifted minutely. “Hurts.”

She grimaced. “The physical therapy isn’t helping?”

His eyes became steely blue. No more green. Just ice. They once stared straight through her. Looking for light. Looking for God. Searching desperately for love. She didn’t know if he found all of those things but looking at him now, she saw some version of them in his eyes.

“You know it only helps but so much.”

“I’m sorry.”

He shrugged. “That’s the thing about pain. It’s either gonna go away, or I’m gonna get used to it.”

Gwen almost flinches. She’s not surprised at his way of thinking. He always thought like that. She’s not even surprised he’s still alive, not with the attitude he’s prided himself on having. And she’s grateful he’s still breathing. But she’s angry that even breathing is something he has to get used to and often contemplates throwing away.

“I don’t wanna talk about me.” He interrupted her dark thoughts. “How are you? How’s the family?”

Everyone was fine as far as she knew. Her children. Her parents. Her husband. She was happy. She smiled a lot. Her kids were growing older and happier and thought of their mother whenever they thought of her. Her parents watched the stars together every night. And her husband still told her that he loved her.

They were all fine. She didn’t want to talk about that, didn’t want to talk about them. She wanted to know how he was. Her friend. Her lover once. The boy, who a long time ago, would drive her mad. The man who made her heart skip when they played the piano together and their hands brushed. The man who wrote her love songs and made her sing them back to him. The man who she thought she would grow old with. The man who she was so tired of and, yet, so infatuated with.

“Everything is good. Everyone should be outside by the pool.”

A silence ensued. It was thick and sudden.

“I guess I should go say hi, then.” He broke it just as quickly.

She nodded.

Whiskey-golden sunbeams were the first thing that greeted them when she followed Blake outside. There was no sense in introducing him. He was family, and this was routine.

Her brothers and her husband sat at the settee, setting up Todd’s beer for the tasting he did every Fourth of July. Her father and mother were walking through the garden, deeply woven baskets in each hand, and eyes on the green and red peppers. Jen, her sister-in-law, was already picking squash and cherry tomatoes. Her two oldest songs, Kingston and Zuma, were playing corn-hole by the side of the pool where grass met concrete. They were playing teams, and her niece and nephew were on opposite sides of the boards. Apollo was sitting in his tree house, guitar in hand. He was probably serenading the birds but the music from the loud speaker drowned out any other noise.

“Where do you wanna start?” She asked as she came to stand next to Blake, watching as he took in the scene before them.

He chuckled, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He gave her an amused look and started walking off without her, presumably over to the kids first. They were all technically young adults now but Blake had a tendency to treat them like they were still children. It came from a place of love and familiarity. The feeling was clearly mutual if their excited smiles and hugs were any indication.

Gwen scanned the backyard as the rest of her family started to notice Blake. His blue-green eyes scanned the entire outside, meeting gaze after gaze with a twinkling friendliness, and Gwen could practically see each set of shoulders lowering in response, one after the next, releasing a slight sigh of previously unacknowledged tension. Even Gavin softened at the sight of him.

“Unbelievable.” She whispered. Gwen shook her head, couldn’t help but laugh inwardly but her amusement was short lived when she noticed there was one face missing from the group. She pursed her lips and let everyone be as she headed back inside.

Her footsteps were light on the stairs, even lighter on the carpet once she hit the second floor of her parents home. Gwen ventured further down the hall to the guest bedroom. The door was adjacent, and she peeked inside to see her daughter sitting on the bed, plucking three chords and staring out the window as she sang a song Gwen wasn’t familiar with.

 _But then I see you_  
_Always smiling_  
_Makes me wanna touch you_  
_Keep from dying_

Gwen smiled at the scene. It was breathtaking. The way her daughter’s eyes were closed as she sang, her blush color eyelids painted with ivory and pink eyeshadow. How Gwen’s hair was a sunflower blonde but her little girl’s was pure-diamond with whispers of dawn. She was tall for a fourteen year old, and her eyes were a pastel blue-grey. It was the only feature that didn’t resemble her or Gavin.

The strumming stopped and Gwen looked on as her daughter sighed in frustration. It was only then that Gwen saw the pen and pad next to her on the bed. She was writing. After Lilith’s fourth scratched out lyric, Gwen thought it best to intervene.

“Hey, cutie.”

Lilith jumped in surprise.

“Mom! What are you doing? Were you just standing there this whole time?”

“Not the whole time.”

“Ugh. That’s so an invasion of my privacy.”

Gwen refrained from laughing. “I’m sorry but there is a Fourth of July party going on downstairs.”

Lilith set her guitar down on the bed. “That’s cool.”

Gwen’s amused look faltered. “Come on, don’t do that. Everyone worked really hard today to get this all set up.”

“Mom, I really don’t care.”

Gwen grew aggravated but didn’t let that stop her patience from thinning. “Well you should.”

Lilith crossed her arms and gave her mother the most bored look ever. Gwen sighed.

“Fine.” She turned to leave but before she did completely, she stopped in the doorway and looked over her shoulder at her daughter. “By the way, your Uncle Blake is here.”

Gwen smirked down the hallway as she heard Lilith shift around, the creaking of the mattress signaling her departure from the bed and hopefully from the room. But just like her father, she was stubborn and prideful. Gwen gave it ten minutes before she would see her daughter outside.

Gwen reentered her parents’ backyard through the side entrance this time, just so that she could admire the wide expanse of lawn dotted with flower beds, big old trees, and an arched gate draped with the last, fading blooms of lilac-coloured Passion flowers.

She surveyed the lawn of people but quickly gave up any pretense of casualness as she squinted openly at the scene before her. She was merely seeking out one face in particular and when she found it, it disarmed her.

There he was again, still nattily dressed, a soft halo of tamed, curly hair framing the jaw and cheekbones and forehead of the man she’d known for over thirty years. Those beautiful, blue-green eyes she knew so well. And the mouth she had mesmerized so intimately. Blake’s smile was disarmingly boyish and eager, bordering on goofy; she always found herself utterly charmed by it.

He was over by the fire pit he had convinced her and Gavin to buy years ago, gathering and stacking the firewood. Kingston was helping him and the two seemed to be having an animated conversation.

Gwen had long since learned not to interrupt at moments like this. The relationship that Blake had with her kids was something that was owed to him, at least that’s what it felt like to her. Despite all of the things he’s done to her, she owed him a family.

But even after knowing and believing this for years, she couldn’t help but want to interrupt. There was a time when there was no Gavin, no children, no family around—just her and Blake. It was so easy to keep his attention because she was the only thing in his world. It was what kept their relationship so toxic, yet run so deep.

“Hi, Sweetheart.”

She felt familiar arms wrap around her stomach, Gavin’s soft breath at the edges of her ear.

Her words smiled but she couldn’t bring her lips to. “Hey, how’s the beer setting up?”

“We’re all done if you want to join us?”

Gwen refocused on her oldest son and oldest lover. Todd was talking to them now, presumably telling them the tasting was ready. She witnessed Blake shake his head.

“You know what...I think I’m gonna pass on this one.”

She didn’t see it, but she could feel Gavin follow her line of vision. He paused once he came to the same realization and she just hoped he wouldn’t make too big a deal out of it. The days of her sacrificing for Blake were gone but she was still aware that her support could be just that—encouragement, not sponsorship. Thankfully, Gavin didn’t comment. He kissed her cheek softly and nodded his understanding. When he left, however, his arms tightened briefly, almost painfully, like a warning. It didn’t help that Blake had a sense about these things, because he looked over at her, and watched the stiff exchange with focused eyes.

Gwen shifted uneasily. Seeing him now was harder than she expected it to be. It always brought her pain. And, yet, she couldn’t deny the tinge of something warm and invigorating caressing the tips of her fingers and the edges of her mind. After all this time, she still loved him, and that was as much grief as it was intoxicating. As exciting as it was awful.

But that’s just it. It was good and it was bad. There was never a happy medium.

Gwen looked away from his concerned eyes and joined everyone by the covered alcove. The tasting started like it always did. Her brothers pretending to be expert beer drinkers, her parents refusing to taste until bribed with finished house chores, Gavin and Kingston taking turns guessing the amount of hops, Zuma spitting his into a cup because he hated the taste of beer, Jen feigning interest to support Todd, and the younger children begging to be let in on the fun.

Gwen stood off to the side, much like Blake. He stared half-heartedly at each bottle and she wondered if it was real or not, his disinterest.

There used to be a time when the sun and its honey glow had hardly stretched above the throng of trees nestling on the horizon, before he was a little numb, fuzzied, and drunk. It was an activity he would continue throughout the day, and those days would form into routine, and routine into tradition; and, in between gazes at the bottoms of empty glasses of straight vodka, he would write their songs, smash his guitars, miss her shows, argue with anyone, and occasionally find the courage to get sober long enough to perform with her.

But all of that stemmed from pain and sadness. As far as she knew, he had not been so sad in a very long time. He was young than, young, drunk, and reckless. He would drink and then gamble away every good thing that he couldn’t afford to, including her. He would say things that his mind did not have enough sense to consider, and do things that a sober man would not think of doing. She liked to believe that he had outgrown that but, in truth, he was still the same man. She saw it in the way he carried himself now, the way his eyes brightened at the sight of any liquor no matter how jaded they had become, or how he frowned at the slightest bit of tension that ran through his body. He was an alcoholic. That would never change, and every day he would struggle with it. He would always be affected by his disease. Perhaps not quite so extreme anymore, perhaps not quite so strong, but still all the same. If he relapsed, he would drink and destroy and cling to his vices with a grip so strong, Gwen envied the force of it. Afterall, he never held onto her so tightly as he did a bottle.

She realized she was still staring when he looked over. Blake smiled but it barely quirked the corners of his lips, didn’t touch his eyes. Gwen moved her gaze away, settled it just behind his left ear instead. He waited for the pause to grow heavy enough for Gwen’s eyes to shift back to his. When she couldn’t resist, he smiled again, but this time, his lips didn’t move at all, but his entire expression softened with the gentle narrowing of his eyes. Gwen liked that smile the best. It was his own private one for her, something they used to do when they were just kids learning how to love one another.

Gwen looked down at the ground bashfully. When she lifted her eyes, it was to meet her husbands. His were unassuming, nonjudgmental, but extremely perturbed. Gwen knew a lot of his unease stemmed from the fact that he knew everything and yet nothing about her and Blake’s history. Of course he knew the story, the eleven year relationship, the awarded music, the career she built alongside him. But he knew nothing of the real pain they caused each other, the real love she felt for him, the beautiful music he brought out within her. It was something that had to be felt, to be understood. And Gwen had longed for it as long as she could remember. It shaped her, gave her her children, a life she could depend on and be proud of. She just had to give it all up to have all that she did now. It was a sacrifice she would make again.

But seeing how she had all she needed, Gwen pondered the things she truly wanted. There was no clear answer but looking at Blake now, witnessing the burning in his eyes, it was all very clear to Gavin. While Blake was less outward with his longings than Gwen, her husband had still managed to become quite accustomed to the tides that changed upon her ex-lover’s expression. He knew how his eyebrow raised when she entered his field of vision. He knew how the corner of his mouth would twitch. He knew how his right hand would clench itself into a fist. He knew how his eyes would glaze when she turned away from him. He knew the grey of his complexion and the hollow of his cheeks from being sober yet drunk off her proximity. The most potent lovesickness. The harshest sadness. It wasn’t quite unrequited love, more so unfeasible. It was inconvenient for her to love him. For her husband, for her children, for both of them if she was being completely honest with herself. But love him she did. She knew him better than his own mother did.

A brush against her arm broke her thoughts. Gwen looked down to see her daughter standing next to her, surveying their family members as they drank and laughed. She could pinpoint the exact moment her daughter’s eyes found her uncle. He was like summertime to his niece, warm, smelling of roses and earth, and eyes twinkling with powdered gold like sunbeams. She was her happiest in the summertime. Gwen recognized that all too familiar tug in the pit of her stomach. She buried those feelings as deep as she could without getting stuck down there with them.

Lilith was just about to go over to him when Blake pulled his phone out his back pocket and took a call. He strayed away from the group and Gwen saw the flicker of disappoint run across her daughter’s face. She put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to her side. Lilith looked up at her and Gwen gave her a reassuring smile. The mother of four looked over again at Blake when everyone’s attention was preoccupied. His forehead was creased and his shoulders full of tension. It was several minutes before he hung up and came back over to the group.

His eyes caught hers. Gwen gave him a concerned look but it was his turn to smile reassuringly.

“Mom, when are we eating?” Kingston asked just as a brief silence fell over the group.

She figured everyone must have been feeling the same way because every face turned to her and Patti expectantly.

“The ham and casserole should be done in about ten minutes.” Her mother answered for her, staring down at Dennis’s wrist watch.

“Then let’s go set the table.” Jen offered.

“Boys that means you too.” Gwen intervened.

“We’re gonna go get the fireworks ready for later.” Todd gestured to himself and Eric.

“Blake are you staying for dinner?” Patti asked him.

“I uh—I actually have a meeting.”

“What? No! Stay for dinner. You just got here.” Lilith pleaded.

“Lilith.” Gavin scolded her, albeit a little too harshly for Gwen’s taste.

“Do you have to go?” Apollo asked.

Blake rubbed the back of his neck, and Gwen knew he was struggling between family and recovery.

“How about we all go inside and get ready. If Blake can join us then he will and if not he’ll be in to say goodbye.” Gwen said with no room for argument in her voice.

Lilith gave everyone her signature moody, pissed off teen look but otherwise followed her cousins and grandparents into the house. Her sons were right behind them and then Todd, Jen and Eric. Gavin lingered and Gwen pretended to not be annoyed by it.

“I’ve never missed a meeting—”

“I know.” Gwen said.

“Kurt and Jane invited me over after. It’s Elliot’s birthday. I can’t—”

“I don’t want you to.”

He let out a breath and gave her a soft look.

“Where are you staying?”

“Cash’s.”

Gwen’s stomach flipped. “He’s not your sponsor anymore is he?”

“No. Kurt is.”

“He should have been in the first place after Shawn.” Blake gave her a look. She returned it. “Do you really think it’s a good idea to be staying there?” She continued. “He—”

“It wasn’t his fault.”

“He should have known with your arm to keep track of how many you were taking.”

“Stop it. You’re only mad because you didn’t see the signs either.” Gwen grew cold at his words. Blake saw the shift immediately and sighed, casting his eyes to the ground. Gwen’s hostility turned to guilt in a matter of seconds.

“I’m sorry.”

He shook his head, “Don’t apologize to me.”

“Gwen.” Gavin called, interrupting their conversation.

She put up a finger to tell him to wait a minute, still looking at Blake. “Why don’t you stay with us?” He was about to protest but she put a hand to his chest to stop him. “Just listen. We have the extra downstairs bedroom. You can stay as long as you want or need and Apollo and Lilith would be so happy to hangout with you. I would be—I would love to be able to help you.”

“Gwen…” He sighed.

“Gwen, dinner.” Gavin spoke again, this time coming to her side. “Are you staying?” He asked Blake when he reached them.

Blake eyed her.

“I asked him to stay at our house instead of Cash’s. We can give him the downstairs bedroom.” Gwen said without preamble.

A short, scornful laugh rose from Gavin’s lips suddenly. It burnt her ears. Blake shook his head and started to walk past the both of them.

“Blake—” Gwen called after him.

“Just forget it.” He called back.

“Are you leaving without saying goodbye? Don’t worry they’re used to it.” Gavin shouted after him and his words physically gave Blake’s body a great blow. He stopped walking and his shoulders collapsed inwards, as if a great force had cracked his chest, and sent him staggering backwards.

“Blake, just stay,” Gwen breathed, her voice suddenly hoarse. She wanted to yell at Gavin for choosing to have a pissing contest at that very moment, but she couldn’t take her eyes off of Blake, afraid he would leave them in a bad place.

Her ex-lover turned around and walked back to her, eyes up but not focused. He looked to Gavin with that same dislike he’s harbored for him ever since he found out they were engaged.

“I’m not gonna beg. I know you don’t like me. I'm not your biggest fan either. And if you don’t want me to stay with you, that’s fine. That’s your house, your family. I’ll go. But whatever history we’ve got between us three, I’ve never disrespected them. Don’t disrespect me.”

Gavin’s impenetrable stare was borderline hostile and Blake returned it with just as much malevolence. The back porch door swung open just then, interrupting the tense moment. Lilith peered over the side rail at the adults.

“Papa said to come inside. Dinner is ready. Uncle Blake are you staying? Please say yes.” She pleaded.

The two men stared each other down for a moment more before Blake was the first to look away. He put a frigid smile on his face when he turned to her daughter but it soon shifted naturally as he saw the hopeful look on her face.

“Yeah but just for a little bit.”

Lilith beamed. “I’ll go set another plate.” She ran back inside, the swing door slamming in her wake. A second later the door flung open again. “Come on!” She yelled to him. Blake moved immediately, catching up to her on the porch. Gwen saw Lilith take his hand and lead him inside.

Gavin’s sharp intake of breath was louder than the rusted hinges. He looked about himself, as if checking if the coast was finally clear, and then leant in to her personal space. His voice was low but not unkind. “You know the longer he’s here the harder it is for you to keep it from him.”

“I’ve kept it from him for fourteen years. I think I can handle a couple more weeks.”

“You promised.”

“I know.” She uttered, keeping her own voice low.

“He’s not stable enough to find out.”

“Don’t do that. He’s been sober our entire marriage. Do you know how hard that is for me?” She asked, afraid to even ask for herself, scouring his eyes for something comforting, something to soothe her nerves which were beginning to shred to tatters.

“You gave him every chance. Stop blaming yourself because he was too late.”

“Twenty-seven years, Gavin.”

Her husband shook his head. “You’re happy, Gwen. You got what you wanted. Someone to be a good father to your children, a husband that loves you, for him to never touch a bottle again. You have everything you said you wanted.”

Gwen couldn’t look at him anymore. Gavin grew restless with her silence. He placed his hands on her shoulders and gently shook her, just enough so that she finally did meet his eyes. “You told me that’s what you wanted. Isn’t that still true?”

Gwen couldn’t speak, her throat was dry and her lungs had collapsed, so she gave him a breathless nod. Anything to get him away from the truth. The nod was hardly perceptible, but Gavin couldn’t have missed it. When he spoke, he spoke with all the truth and clarity within him. “I love you. You know you’re my everything.”

There was no fanfare. No choir of angels. No running into his arms. No heavenly sunlight. It wasn’t like it had been with Blake. But that didn’t matter. She was young when she first fell in love. This was a grown up relationship. It was enough for her. He was enough. His words were enough. Knowing that he loved her, that he cared for her, that he thought her beautiful, that he thought of her often, missed her when she wasn’t there, enjoyed her company, felt pain at her pain, felt happiness at her happiness, it was enough.

“I love you, too.”

Gavin gave a great sigh. She couldn’t tell if it was full of relief or love. But it looked as if the weight of the world had risen from him. When she told Blake she loved him that first time, he sighed then too. But it was as if the weight of heaven had fell upon him. Every time after that was the same sigh, the same heaven. That first time he began to laugh after her confession. She had been the one to say it first. And Gwen laughed with him, a silvery laugh that twinkled like silver bells and rose from her like the swell of a symphony.

Blake’s hand had found the back of her neck, and her laugh turned to air, as his fingers swept down her hair, pulling at it ever so gently, a sigh was drawn out of her, slowly, releasing into the still air, almost noiseless but not quite. He heard it. He turned his head slightly to the side, as if studying her, as if trying to take every part of her in and lodge it into his memory so he could hold it there forever, as if trying to appreciate her for all she was worth. He had looked fascinated by her, but the glint of tears in his eyes told her that it was so much more than fascination.

“You mean the world to me, Gwen.” His hand stopped at her neck, and stroked along her skin, setting fire to her. She shuddered. There was no urgency in the way he spoke, which was different, he spoke as if time meant nothing to them. His words meandered. It was a beautiful languidness. His voice dissolved in the air. His words drummed softly against her ribcage.

“Gwen.” She was snapped out of her memory at the sound of Gavin’s voice. His brow furrowed as if in worry. “We should head inside.” He suggested.

She nodded. “Yeah.”

If she thought the outside was closing in on her, the inside wasn’t much better.

The table was set, the food splayed about all over. Everyone was just beginning to figure out where they wanted to sit. Blake was nowhere to be found, and it was almost a relief to not have to see his face so soon after her brief visit to their past.

“Dad, sit next to me.” Apollo urged.

Gavin smiled and complied. Her seat was always next to Lilith per her daughter’s request so Gwen sat down in the middle of two empty seats, noting the pastel blue colored plate her daughter always asked to eat on whenever Patti brought out the special China on the placemat to Gwen’s left. She was quiet as she looked around the table at her family. There were so many different conversations happening simultaneously. She didn’t focus on any one conversation specifically but instead, the smiles and the sounds of laughter. It’s what she’s always wanted as a little girl. A big, happy, family she could call her own. Looking around, that little girl would be pleased. Fifty-one Gwen isn’t so easily satisfied anymore.

As the family finally settled down in their seats, her father asked if anyone wanted to say grace.

“Wait, Blake’s in the kitchen.” Todd said.

“He had an important phone call.” King explained.

Dennis nodded. “He doing ok?” Her father turned to her and asked.

“I think so.” She answered.

“Where did he go this time?” Lilith asked.

“He went on Uncle Brett’s tour and visited his family for a little bit.” Gwen said, praying her daughter wouldn’t ask anymore about it.

As if hearing his name, Blake entered from the hallway into the dining room. His face held no traces of his conversation. But it turned worried as he looked around for an empty seat. Gwen felt the air to her right. Blake physically saw the oxygen and nitrogen molecules floating beside her. To anyone else, he was a blank canvas, but she saw how he braced himself as he walked to their side of the table and sat down as lightly as he could.

“Now that we’re all here who wants to say grace?” Dennis asked again.

Zuma tentatively raised his hand. Gwen wore a proud smile as he led them into prayer. Blake already had his left hand upturned, laying on his thigh for her to take. She slid her smaller one into his and squeezed. She barely registered the words her second oldest was saying as Blake ran his thumb back and forth over the back of her hand.

Zuma finished with the lord’s name and amen. The sound of cutlery meeting plates and food meeting mouths was all that could be heard. She realized she was still holding Blake’s hand when she went to pick up her fork. She let his fingers go reluctantly.

“Anybody want any wine?” Jen asked, having got up to pour some for herself.

“Or beer?” Todd tried.

When it was her turn, she declined. Jen skipped Blake promptly.

“Mom can I get the lemonade out of the fridge?” Lilith asked her.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

She stood up and as she walked behind Blake’s chair, Blake grabbed her arm gently and whispered in her ear.

“Plastic or glass?” Lilith inquired.

“Glass.” Was Blake’s reply.

Gwen was only slightly confused before her daughter came back out with a tumbler of lemonade and a glass cup. She looked down at Blake’s area and saw he didn’t have one.

“Thanks lilypad.”

“It’s strawberry.” She told him.

“Here let me do it.”

Blake stood up and took the lemonade from her, pouring for the kids first and then himself. He looked at her, one eyebrow arched, amused, tilting the container. She nodded, smile set firmly into place.

He sat back down and got right back into his food. He had always loved her mama’s cooking. Hers too. And that’s how the dinner went. Conversation flowed easily, food went down eagerly, and Gwen’s heart beat aggressively inside her chest. All these years she could selfishly be happy when Blake was around. She didn’t feel like she was choosing one or the other when they were all with her.

She noticed Blake fingering the rim of his glass near the end. Back and forth, completely enthralled in a conversation with her brother about the restaurant business. When she thought back on it, he had always liked glass. The expensive heavy weight of the cut glass tumblers in her daddy's study, the cool feel of a bottleneck warming beneath his hand. The look of Gwen pressed tight to the shower wall. The look she almost always gave him moments after they finish letting him know she can see right through him, much like glass. He liked it. He preferred it.

And eventually, as the kids and her helped Patti clear the dishes, as everyone went off to different sections of the house, and it was just Blake, Todd, Gavin, and Dennis talking shop, Blake’s cup was still the only piece of glass on the table. She used to think it was just out of habit, but she eventually figured out that it was just as much habit as it was comfort. It was comforting to hold onto his cup as if he were nursing a drink, to feel the cold, familiar, weight of a liquid in his hands. The same sensations, none of the same consequences.

Gwen re-entered the dining room, stopping behind her father’s chair. “Dad, do you want some dessert?”

“Yeah that would be great pumpkin.”

She turned to the other men in the room.

“Only pie. None of that lemon square stuff.” Todd said.

“I want the lemon squares.” Gavin said to the disgusted look on Todd’s face.

Blake looked down at his phone. “I actually have to go if I’m gonna make it to Kurt’s and the meeting.” He stood up and Gwen tried to hide the disappointed look she knew was forming quickly with every step Blake took to say his goodbyes.

She wasn’t the one that got to walk him to the door either, or even to his truck. King, Zuma, Apollo, and Lilith got that honor. She watched as they hugged and kissed him goodbye. She watched as he got into his truck and drove away. He didn’t even look back to see if she was there. She figured it didn’t matter. Either he would knock on her door tonight or cash’s. It didn’t change the fact that he wasn’t able to just walk right in where he pleased. Her house wasn’t a home to him. And she had no one to blame for that but herself.


	2. Sanctuary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is Sanctuary by the Nashville cast. Give it a listen :)

Gwen Stefani had run away from home only once in her life.

It was a cold night in December. But it was warm in his truck. All she had were the clothes on her back and all the love for him in her heart. She hadn’t stopped to pack when she left. Surely, Blake had everything she needed. His apartment, his guitar, his whole life he had vowed to share with her.

And while his life was wild, and unregulated, it was what she wanted. She knew it hadn’t always been easy for him. He hadn’t told her as much, not yet, even after two years of dating, but sometimes he showed her. It shined through a couple lines in a song or a look, or the way he would hold her, like even in his arms she was still out of reach. It made her want to die with him so that he knew even in death he had somebody, it made her think of spending the rest of her life intertwined with his, despite being only seventeen. It made her want to be ninety and in his arms, not barely legal and freezing her butt off.

When they got home— _home_ —she could finally call it that, Blake wrapped her in both of his jackets and his bed sheets. She sat on the floor with him. He was playing guitar and throwing out lyrics. A half empty bottle of Smirnoff was spilt between his lips every time he got a line written down. He offered her some but she shook her head. The taste of any kind of liquor made her cringe.

“I think I got some hot chocolate.” He offered.

She nodded, too cold to do anything else.

When he came back several minutes later with a piping hot cup of coco, she wanted to kiss him. He handed the mug over and she took a sip. It stung the back of her throat, too hot, but it helped with the cold. His head dipped in private amusement as he watched her grimace when she swallowed the boiling liquid again. He looked like her father acted sometimes.

He was only three months older than her but sometimes it felt like centuries. She was just a kid who ran away from home because mommy and daddy didn’t want her playing music so young. Go to college, then throw your life away. At least a degree will comfort the inevitable fall. But Blake wasn’t like that. She'd never known someone so completely solitary and comfortable within their own skin. He had a family back in Oklahoma and no one in Anaheim. He was as alone as she felt.

His music was lonely too. She was drawn to country music for its painful honesty, for the way it sung about your hardships unapologetically. She was probably drawn to Blake for the same reasons. His songs invited people in to share in his loneliness and pain. And while she didn’t think their music was considered country, it had its roots firmly planted there.

“Hey.” Blake tried for her attention. “Help me write this.”

She thought for a moment, and then set her mug down, crawling over to him. She silently took his guitar from him and set it gently down on the blanket. She grabbed the dull pencil and wrote down a line. And then another. Blake stared at her quietly as she continued to write.

When she was finished, she pushed the paper back to him and let him read it.

 _Turn the light off, go to bed_  
_Tell me all about the day you had_  
_Lay beside me, it’s time to rest_  
_You can close your eyes, you’ve done your_ _best_

He looked up from the paper, eyes searching hers. They were still silent as he grabbed the pencil. Watching him write down his own lyrics to match hers, she thought about all the things she took for granted. The comforts of the life she was leaving behind. Warmth, familiarity, family.

Her boyfriend handed her the paper back and she had to clear the water from her eyes to read them perfectly.

 _Let me be your sanctuary_  
_Let me be your safe place to fall_  
_I can take away your worries_  
_The refuge from it all_

She shivered again—the feeling of a life without a safety net, yet arms—his arms—that would catch her instead. She accepted the offered pen and wrote one of her own truths for him.

 _We have weathered through the storms_  
_Taking comfort in each other’s arms_  
_When the dark clouds come again_  
_I will lift you up and take you in_

Blake’s eyes softened as he read them. The paper wrinkled just a little bit more as he tightened his grip on their words.

 _All this time_  
_We have together_  
_Is our shelter from the rain_  
_I will share the weight you carry_  
_Let me be your sanctuary_

For the first time reading his words, she understood that Blake might not be enough for her. Staying there with him wouldn’t be enough for them. Singing on a cold floor with nothing to show for it but a half empty bottle of booze and a song that only their ears would hear wouldn’t be enough for him. She didn’t just want them to write, she needed them to be great at it. She didn’t just want to sing, she needed to live every word that she wrote. That’s where the best music came from. She saw now that she was only ever great when he was with her. Writing, singing, playing, breathing.

She could feel Blake watching her, concerned as she hugged the paper to her chest.

"Me and you," She told him.

His body relaxed, and he nodded. He took her seriously in that moment and in every moment that she needed him to. He respected her mind and body. Even if he sometimes thought her too young. And she may be but she's got a big voice and she's got this good man here, playing chords on her heart strings. He strummed and she sang and it felt right in a way she'd forgotten it could. Blake’s voice followed low beneath her own, deep and generous just like his love for her. When they finished the melody, when they finished singing their respective parts, she took the page and scribbled their names at the top.

She admired how their names looked side by side for the hundredth time. He pressed his lips to her cheek. “Why does your name always get to go first?” He murmured in her ear and she laughed, joyously and loud.

She turned around and leaned into him to claim a deep kiss. She relished the strength of his arms winding around her, drawing her into his warmth. He was always hot to the touch, overheating and harboring a thin layer of sweat. She wished for more out of life in that moment. A proper home with him, children, and gold albums adorning their walls.

“Dove, there’s time," He pulled away from her, saying, using that beautiful nickname of his. She loved it. And it only further drove her want for him. Two years of dating and he still wanted to wait until they got married. They had already come close a time or two, but he would hold back, would hold her close and whisper that this was just the beginning of everything they were going to make together. It was one of the things that made him seem so much older, the devotion and patience he took with her.

She went back in to peck his lips, but snuck her mouth to trace down the side of his neck. She heard his groan, his grunt as he hoisted her up and onto the bed to get her away. She laughed as he tried to avoid her kisses but he stopped when she found that spot right beneath his ear.

"Gwen," it sounded like worship, a prayer, a swear all wrapped up into one. She shivered at the intensity of it. He settled his arms around her, under the sheets and layers. His body grinded down on hers, harsh at first and then softly. She could see him struggling to bring himself under control and she responded in kind to thwart his efforts. “Dove,” he breathed out one last time, his eyes closing and his teeth clenched tight together. She could see him trying to picture anything else but her pretty face underneath him and she laughed again, enjoying the way her body burned against his. She leaned up to kiss him but he finally got the strength to lift off of her. He stared down at her chocolate brown eyes with a blinding intensity.

“I’m ready. I want you, I’m positive.” She half begged.

Blake shook his head, leaning down on his elbows so that his chest was pressed against hers but his lower half still several inches away. “We’ve got all the time in the world to do that.”

“Blake.” She tried for serious but all it did was make him smile. He settled himself beside her and kissed her softly. She pouted and he laughed, their lips still pressed together.

"Go to sleep," He told her.

She rested her hand against his cheek, traced the line of his smile, wanting somehow to fix it in place and keep it there for eternity. "I love you," She said, not for the first time, but in a strange way, it felt like the last time. “I’m always gonna love you.”

He smirked down at her.

“I’m serious. You’ll always be loved by me—and our babies.”

He grimaced. She slapped his cheek playfully. “You don’t want babies?”

He gave a little shrug, awkward-looking because he was lying down, looking down, and tangled up with her. “If we did, I’d want a girl.”

Her fingers traced his lips. “Why a girl?”

“Because she’d look just like you.”

Gwen smiled and kissed him on the chin. “Got any names since you’re planning out our kid’s gender already.”

“Grace….or Lily—none of those bizarre things you call names.”

Another kiss. “I love you, you know that.”

He turned her over on her side and pressed up behind her back. By the time he murmured, "Love you too, Dove," it was almost too late and she was half-asleep.

But she found his hand beneath the covers and squeezed.

 

Gwen blinked the memory away. Talking about kids and writing songs was all they seemed to do back then. Now she was picking up soccer gear and crinkled music pages behind the couch, trying desperately to soothe an incredible ache in her chest.

“Mom?”

Gwen almost jumped at the sound of Apollo’s voice. He was standing on the last step of the staircase. She hadn’t even heard him come down.

“Yeah?”

“Can you make me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?”

Gwen made a funny face at him as she walked by her youngest son to the laundry room and disposed of the foul smelling garments in the hamper. “You do realize you’re sixteen, right?” She called behind to him.

Apollo rolled his eyes. “I’m aware, thank you.” He said right outside the door. He followed her into the kitchen when she was done, taking a seat at the island. Gwen saw the plate and butter knife already laid out for her. “They don’t taste as good when I make em’.”

“That’s because you use that grape jam that your dad buys. The strawberry jelly is way better.” She told him, popping two slices of bread in the toaster, before moving to the refrigerator and grabbing the milk first. She sat it on the counter and pushed it over to Apollo. He knew to get up and grab a cup.

“Then how come I never see it in the fridge?” He asked.

Gwen rummaged through the bottom drawers, pushing aside cheese and grapes to grab the pink jar in the back. “Cause I hide it.” She said, standing up and popping off the lid in one easy motion. She went back to the toaster and grabbed the hot bread, quickly putting them down on the plate. She noticed Apollo wasn’t making any noise. She looked over to him. He was still by the cabinet, giving her the most ‘I’m done with your shit’ look that Gwen had ever seen on one of her children.

“Mom that’s ridiculous.”

She shrugged and licked the fingers that were covered in sweetness as she lathered each slice of toast. Apollo came back in her line of vision as he sat down. He had two cups with him and poured each a hefty amount of milk. She smiled at him as she cut the sandwich in triangles and scooted the plate in the middle. They both grabbed a piece and toasted.

“To King Peanut Butter,” Gwen started.

“And it’s ever faithful companion, Sir Jelly,” Apollo finished.

They both laughed at each other, mouths full of gooey, sticky, sugar and protein.

“Wow. We haven’t done this in years.” Apollo said.

Gwen wiped the corner of her mouth with her thumb. “You woke up one morning just like your brothers did and wanted to be a big boy and make your own sandwiches.”

“Must’ve been heartbreaking for you. I put you out of your job.” He smirked.

“Oh I was devastated. I sat down here crying in a jar of jelly most nights.”

Apollo choked on his next bite, laughing at the same time. Gwen grimaced and reached over to pat his back, pushing his cup of milk toward him, urging him to take a sip.

“That was cruel.” Apollo coughed.

Gwen grinned.

He took another sip and set down his food altogether. Gwen looked up in confusion.

“Did Papa use to make you guys sandwiches and do the toast?”

Gwen set down her own food, swallowing harshly. “Um, no and yes. I mean, if you’re asking if that’s where the toast came from then no.”

“Where did it then?”

She took a mouthful of milk. “Your Uncle Blake.”

Apollo looked at her puzzled.

“Okay. You know how we used to date?” Apollo nodded. “Well, there was a time when we lived together obviously. We were way too young and way too broke. But every night your Uncle would come home with two mini half pint cartons of milk and we’d make a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich for dinner.” She paused, remembering the memory fondly. “One night he was dr—he was excited. And he was talking about all kinds of things that made no sense but then he started talking about how Peanut Butter was the king of spreads. And then he just named jelly as a knight to the sandwich throne and next thing I know every time after that, we’re saying that toast before eating our sandwiches.”

Apollo looked greatly astonished, his face screwing up one minute and smiling the next. “That’s gotta be one of the weirdest yet coolest things you’ve ever told me about Uncle Blake.”

Gwen felt relieved. “He was definitely weird back then.”

Apollo took his other piece off the plate and ate it quickly. “Well, I gotta go finish playing fortnite.” He stood up and came around the island to kiss her cheek. “Thanks again for the sandwich mom.”

She watched him scurry out of the kitchen with all the energy a full blown teenager possessed and smiled at how different her life looked from the oblivious love-struck teenager making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at two in the morning.

Gwen sighed and moved about the kitchen, cleaning up their little mess and starting the dishwasher. She was wiping off the counter when the doorbell rang. The mother of four looked at the clock on the partition. It read 11:46 p.m.

She knew it was Blake. It had to be him. Looking out the window curtain she saw him standing there, lips curled in a mild smile and his face tilted down, gazing at the dozen roses he held in his hands. In the heart of the illusion, Gwen was—to her surprised dismay—coming undone again. She wished, deeply most nights, that their entire relationship could have just been a dalliance, a momentary weakness, a mistake, over and done, but having kept this man in her life for over thirty years, it could not have been more clear that those lies were impossibly fragile, a web of gossamer that could never bear the weight of reality, of the two of them never not being close enough to smell the desire that rippled off their skin like heat rising off metal in high summer.

She opened the door to let in that desire. Blake’s head snapped up immediately. He looked sheepish, extending the flowers out for her to take. She did, reluctantly.

“Cash has people over. They’re drinking and there’s— pills and—”

“I’ll put new sheets on the bed.” Gwen interrupted. He was being responsible coming to her. She couldn’t fault him for another’s reckless behavior, as long as he didn’t allow it to affect his own.

Blake nodded his thanks and followed her inside.

“Go settle in the kitchen while I make the room. I’ll get you something to eat if you’re hungry.” She said in passing, not waiting for a response as she headed down the hall.

The first thing she did was find a vase underneath the bathroom sink and run cold water in it, setting the flowers in and putting the vase on the nightstand. After that, it took her approximately six minutes to get the room how he liked it. Sheets untucked, one blanket, window half opened, one fluffy pillow. She almost laughed out loud at the memory of her begging him to close the window at nighttime because of the cold. How she told him she hated that the sheets always fell on the floor while they tossed and turned through the night. That she felt bad that she hogged the blanket and reminded him to buy a second one which he never did. They had shared a pillow back then, and it was the only thing she never complained about because most often it was his chest that she laid on and his breaths she fell asleep to.

She smiled as the lights flickered off and walked back into the hall only to be stopped at the kitchen entrance. The sight before her gave her goosebumps. She hated and loved how he had the strange ability to take her back in time to her younger self just by simply being Blake. Young Gwen had liked peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwiches, going to concerts, sleeping by the ocean, and a boy named Blake Shelton. This Gwen only ever ate her favorite sandwich with her kids, she put on concerts instead of going to them, the ocean was too far away nowadays, and that boy turned into a man with deep, inconsolable issues and a history that latched on and fed off of her own.

But watching Blake move around her kitchen, preparing the same meal she made for Apollo, Gwen heard the cheering crowds, tasted the sand and salt, found a way to dislike and love the soul in front of her now. The sandwich was real and in reach unlike their forgiveness.

“You know what’s freaky?” Gwen asked, startling Blake as he lathered a piece of bread.

“What?”

“I literally just made Apollo one.” She gestured to the food.

“Really?”

She nodded and sat down in the chair her son had frequented minutes earlier. Blake settled the plate in front of her when he was done. A single sandwich with smooth peanut butter, and enough strawberry jelly that it spilled over the sides stared back at her.

Blake took a bar stool and sat down across from her, the same almost-smile on his face that she'd seen after she told him they landed a record deal. "Just like you used to like it." He said.

She looked down at the sandwich again, which did smell good, then back up to his eyes. “You’re not having any?”

“I didn’t know if you wanted to share.”

Gwen rolled her eyes and stood up, grabbing a knife from the drawer. She stood next to him as she cut the sandwich in half, breathing in the smell of his soap while she did, and only sat back down when she poured a cup of milk for the both of them.

They both picked up their halves at the same time.

“To King Peanut Butter,” Blake whispered conspiratorially.

“And it’s ever faithful companion, Sir Jelly,” Gwen matched his tone.

They’re amused smiles were obscured by their large bites. The flavors exploded in her mouth, sweet and rich, and she let herself roll it around in her mouth before she swallowed. He always did make them better than her. But she would make sure that her kids never had one of his lest they turn on her and like Blake’s sandwiches better. "It's good." She let her own lips ease upwards. No other memories came, but the sense of warmth and comfort easing through her was enough of a compensation. "My compliments to the chef."

Blake’s almost smile grew, just a little. They ate in companionable silence. The sound of their chewing and swallowing the only thing that could be heard. Blake took a sip of milk before breaking the quiet. “Where’s the husband?”

“He went for a drink with the band.”

“Great. I can go to bed peacefully and wake up being accosted.”

Gwen shoved his forearm in a light-hearted manner. “You don’t even know what accosted means.”

“I can tell it’s something bad.”

She laughed at his foolishness.

Blake finished his half before her and slumped over the counter, chin in his hand, eyes dim as he looked at her. “Where are the kids?”

“Lilith got invited to a sleepover last minute and Apollo is upstairs playing video games.”

Blake grimaced. “That sounds terrible.”

“Well his brains aren’t mush yet and like he says, those zombies aren’t gonna kill themselves.”

“They can’t, they’re already dead.”

“You are so annoying you know that?”

Blake grinned tiredly. “I know.”

Gwen smiled at how soft her friend looked in that moment. But as she looked closer, she saw how exhausted he really was. “Come on. Get up, brush your teeth, take your pain medicine, and please don’t sleep in those jeans.”

“Alright Mom, all in that order?” He asked sarcastically.

She gave him a look which he chuckled at, but he stood up with her.

“At least let me clean up—”

“I got it. Go, get some sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Blake hesitated in leaving her to do all the work but he finally relented. His head moved down suddenly to her own and Gwen’s chest fell rapidly in seconds. She felt his soft lips press against her cheek in a warm kiss. He pulled back slowly.

“Goodnight, Gwen.”

“Goodnight, Blake.”

She thought about how love rose and rose like a maypole amid the tangling, tightening ribbons of troubles as Gwen stared at his back. It was still and solid there at the center even as it was enrobed—enmeshed—in the tightly-woven fabric of a thousand disasters. Picking apart their knit-together strings would eventually show them to be rotten humans underneath, impossible to maintain and too weak to stand. But in the meantime, it bore the illusion of solidity. She loved him more often than she didn’t. And love too often seemed made of sturdier stuff than it actually was.

She felt like falling apart like the bread crumbs on her plate but something kept her held together all these years. It left her sticky and sweet. She hoped it never turned sour like week old milk.

 


	3. One Last Time

Her bedroom was full of filtered sunlight the next morning, and the beams of warmth made her too hot beneath the weight of the blankets and the heat of her husband’s body beside her. Gavin’s face was turned away as he laid on his side—nearly on his stomach—the strands of his dark-grey hair stark against the white pillowslip.

She didn’t hear him come home last night, or wake up when he undressed and got into bed. It must have been late because she stayed up for hours trying to write new songs and only fell asleep when she wasn’t getting anywhere with them.

Gwen sat up and stretched, a quiet yawn slipping past her lips. She looked over the side of the bed and picked her robe off the floor, putting it on and tying the band at her waist.

Once she had brushed her teeth and brushed her hair out, Gwen went to the kitchen. It was still early so she figured she’d start on breakfast in the hopes everyone would be up or beginning to get a move on when it was done. After filling the kettle and switching it on, she searched for saucers and her favorite loose tea. She fetched the teapot Blake bought her for her twenty-first birthday, and two crystal dishes her grandmother used to fill with gherkins and olives to go with the cheese board after Christmas lunch.

Gwen went about tidying up the living room as soon as she put the buttermilk biscuits in the oven. On the coffee table in the sitting room was a marble tray full of papers, her children’s recital and showcase slips, and various guitar picks. But Gwen cocked her head when she saw a paperback book with a garish orange cover that looked as if it must have been dropped a thousand times in various climates. It was so old and its corners were so soft, texture smooth from overuse. Gwen’s curiosity got the better of her and she opened its contents with hesitant hands.

_ If you keep leaving me, I’ll keep loving you. _

It was the first thing written underneath the dedication on the first page. Gwen had a sickening feeling in her stomach as she recognized the hurried scrawl of Blake’s handwriting.

She turned to the second page and saw only a small excerpt of song lyrics.

 

_ There’s no good reason why we can’t move on _

_ But I lay my heart on these tracks when your train comes along.  _

_ The next stop is my love, the next place is you’re gone  _

_ You said the rain was my river but you had it all wrong _

_ You were a steamroller, rolling over me all along. _

 

Blake’s words had always been Gwen’s bare skin confessing who and what she really was in the dark. She had offered herself to be brought home and healed not too long ago—a lifetime ago; it turned out that she wasn’t the one who needed saving—he did and with his freely-given stories in the form of a song and his well-guarded weeping in the form of a violent, alcoholic rage, Gwen had never forgiven the addiction for haunting her first love, harming her only sanctuary, and putting him in a box to be carried away, at times it felt like for forever, without even a backwards glance. She had always felt like the last drop in the bottle. Something he wanted so desperately to finish but never could. 

“Which one you readin’?”

Gwen jumped at the sound of Blake’s voice. He was standing in the hall, guitar in hand, his signature dull pencil behind his ear. His hair was wet and curled around his ears, resting just above his eyes like he had just taken a shower. He looked soft, warm, untouchable.

Gwen closed the book but marked the page with her index finger. “The first one.”

A small smile graced his face as he looked down. “...I started that on your wedding day.”

“...You never finished it.”

He laughed. “I could never finish any of them.”

Gwen looked away. “You sound angry.”

“Right now?”

“No. Back then.”

Recognition passed over his face. “Ah. No, not angry. Hurt.”

Her eyes snapped back to him. His forehead was sheened with a thin layer of perspiration, his eyes glassy and pink-veined in a matter of seconds.

Gwen screwed hers shut for just a moment. She allowed herself just one moment to hate him and love him without the two conflicting with each other. Then she opened her eyes and opened the book again, flicking to the next page, not caring anymore that she was invading his privacy.

 

_ Why do people always look the happiest right before they lose it all?  _

_ Were we happy or was it just another close call?  _

_ Why do we always say love when we mean hate. _

_ We were our happiest, as happy as the sun was when it fades. _

 

Her fingers ran across the pencil markings. Her eyes glossed and tripped over his lyrics several times before she finally looked up at him. 

“It wasn’t all bad.” Was all she could think to say to him.

Blake smiled a thin smile. He walked closer to her, close enough that she could remember her favorite memory just by his scent alone—burning wood, bayberry candles, and petrichor.  

His hand moved up to the booklet, and instead of closing it like Gwen anticipated he would, Blake turned the pages until he was almost at the back and stopped. He pointed to the lines on the paper and Gwen’s eyes obediently read his words.

 

_ Time cast a spell on you _

_ But you won’t forget me _

_ I know I could have loved you  _

_ But you would not let me _

 

Her marriage. Her denial. Her betrayal. Her insecurities. He summed them all up in a dingy notebook and kept it for years. It wasn’t just her mistakes, it was how he saw things between them. In some ways this was the truth. It wasn’t the entire truth but it was his part of it. 

“Finish it.” He said, closing the book and pushing it towards her.

“Blake—”

“Take it with you and read them. Finish the ones you want.” He urged.

“These are private.” She argued.

“Since when has anything I’ve ever written been private?”

“Still—”

“Just take it.”

The notebook was pressed to her chest, and with one last poignant glance, he sat down on the couch, kicked his feet up and started strumming softly on his guitar. It was so reminiscent of when they were younger and living together. It was his way of kindly dismissing her. Gwen obeyed just like she had a thousand times before and went back to the kitchen, notebook clutched tightly in her arms.

She had access to Blake’s psyche for over the past twenty years and it was a little daunting to think that not only was she allowed to look but she was given explicit permission to create. It was both a blessing and a curse.

Gwen stuffed the notebook in her inside robe pocket and set about finishing making breakfast. It was almost an hour long endeavor and each time she would put a dirty dish or utensil in the sink, she would glance in Blake’s direction through the wall partition. She saw out to the living room and there he was. He hadn’t moved. The guitar was still being strummed and only his soft humming kept him company. Another fifteen minutes went by and Gwen considered throwing a spoon that she would definitely need later into the sink just to get another look at him. When she couldn’t resist anymore, Gwen found herself back by it.

But he wasn’t alone anymore. Lilith had been dropped back off at home around five that morning and had apparently waken sometime while she was cooking. She was sitting next to Blake on the couch, a bunch of old parchment paper from her songbook in her lap. Gwen silenced anything that could be muffled in the kitchen in order to hear what was being murmured back and forth between the two.

“So it’s about a boy?” She heard Blake ask.

Lilith played with her fingers in a shy manner before answering her uncle. “Well it’s supposed to be but it doesn’t sound like it is.”

Blake picked up the sheet of music again and looked it over. “Well first off, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be dating. And the reason you’re struggling is because you aren’t really saying anything. And that’d be fine if you knew what love was but you don’t. Your words aren’t leaving me in pain. There’s no tenderness.”

Lilith sighed. “I just don’t get it. I don’t understand how to write like you or Mom and Dad.”

Blake almost laughed at her frustration. “Okay, listen. You listenin’?” She nodded. “When you write a song, it’s like opening up an old wound. You scratch at it until you break skin and once it starts bleeding, that’s when you start speaking from a place that’s healed but hasn’t exactly recovered. Words bruise, baby girl. If you ain’t leavin’ me sore, then it doesn’t hurt enough. Even the happy songs are painful. Remember that.”

Lilith nodded again, a look of concentration on her face as she looked over her lyrics a second time. She looked up at Blake and he smiled.

“Show me.”

Blake tilted his head. “What’d ya mean?”

“Play me one of your songs that’s painful.”

Blake’s amusement shined in the blue of his eyes. “They’re all painful.”

“Then pick the one that hurts the most.”

He laughed. It was a dry and humorless sound. Blake shook his head and picked up his guitar by his feet. “I won’t play you that one but I’ll play something close to it.”

The sound of his guitar strings seemed so loud to Gwen’s ears. She searched the deepest parts of her to see if she could recognize the chords but the melody was foreign. When Blake began to sing, his words were almost whispered.

 

_ If she says I caused her hurt _

_ You can take her at her word _

_ I know she’s speaking from her heart _

 

_ And when she talks about the pain _

_ And she says that I’m to blame _

_ You can bet I did my part _

 

Blake had his eyes closed as he sang, and the unguarded anguish resting upon his features was close to beautiful but so far away from well. 

 

_ If she says I didn’t lift a hand when she walked away _

_ It’s true, I didn’t make her stay but... _

 

His voice started to hold a tremble. His chorus of words held a spreading numbness, and Gwen knew that feeling all too well at the base of her spine, a nameless pleasure wound tighter than the one he bore and sang about. He really did know music. Her wounds were slowly opening up again and she was desperately wiping away the bad blood. 

 

_ She can’t say I didn’t cry _

_ She can’t say she didn’t know _

_ How it tore me up inside  _

_ How it hurt to watch her go _

 

Blake opened his eyes and looked right over to Lilith as he sang. 

 

_ There’s a million things that she might say _

_ That I cannot deny _

_ But she can’t look me in the eye _

_ And say I didn’t cry _

 

Gwen bit her lip as he strummed away their past. The songbook full of half-finished songs suddenly felt much lighter on her person in comparison to the full-blown song he did finish. It was an apology. The only way he knew how to say sorry. She was right to walk away, but that didn’t mean she didn’t break him when she did. 

 

_ If you haven’t heard by now _

_ How much I let her down _

_ When you do, you can sure believe _

 

_ That I made some mistakes  _

_ But that don’t take away _

_ From just how much she means to me _

 

_ She can say I gave her every reason to leave _

_ But there’s one thing she can’t say about me  _

 

Her daughter’s eyes were fixed on him. She was absorbed in the little bubble of music and trust that they had created with each other. The irony was not lost on Gwen. Not in that moment. 

 

_ There’s a million things that she might say  _

_ That I cannot deny _

_ But she can’t look me in the eye _

_ And say I didn’t cry _

 

The music faded slowly until there was nothing left but the dust and memories. Blake hadn't said anything for a long moment, maybe waiting for it all to settle again, gaze fixed on something that wasn't in the room. She waited too, just like Lilith, wondering all over again if she could do this. If she could keep this up. He was so brutally honest, even when he was drunk he had a way of being completely truthful that Gwen tried to emulate it throughout her entire marriage with Gavin.

“That about Mom?” Lilith murmured so softly that Gwen strained to hear her over the dishwasher running.

Blake finally looked away, looked down, looked up, looked over to her precious little girl. “What do you know about it.” He asked.

Lilith was quiet. She fingered the edges of her pages and shrugged. “You were her first love. But you guys were young and you were dealing with stuff that kept you guys apart. Then Mom met Dad and had Kingston and got married and you and Mom stayed friends.”

“That sounds like the hallmark version.” Lilith looked at him confused and he chuckled. “It seems much more simpler when you tell it back to me. I remember it differently.”

“It was complicated then?” She asked. Blake gave her an entertained look, moving his arm above her head to rest against the top of the couch. “Is that why you’re me and Apollo’s godfather but not Kings or Zumas?”

Blake leaned his head on his shoulder, a look of trepidation donning his face. “I wasn’t happy when your mom moved on with your dad.” He finally said. “And when Kingston was born I was out on tour. Two years later, they had Zuma and I was around for a little bit but not a lot. Apollo was different. You were different. I love you all equally, but things were just different.”

“How come?”

“You guys just were. Now come on, quit with all the questions. We gotta get back to helping you write this song. Now what’s this prick’s name? I wanna know who's got my goddaughter hitting writer's block at fourteen.”

“Fifteen in two weeks.”

“Ah, that reminds me. What’d ya want for your birthday?”

She blinked, then again, then let her eyes stay shut for a few long moments. “A song.” She murmured and opened them.

“You want a song?”

She nodded. “Write me a song, please.”

He laughed shocked. “Of all the things in the—you want a damn song?”

“Mom used to sing ‘Come and Find Me’ every night before I went to bed. I thought it was like the prettiest song I’d ever heard. It was sad but it was sweet. I always thought Mom wrote it. But Kingston was packing for college one day and he let me look through his records and he let me have all your old records until he got back, except for one I think that he wouldn’t give up. But I found the song on your first ep. I mean, she sang it to me for years and it was the first song that made me want to write music...So….yeah. I want you to write me a song like that. That way I can sing it to my kids one day.”

Blake wet his lips with the tip of his tongue, and raised himself up, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. He leaned close to press his lips to her temple in a kiss so chaste and impossibly soft, completely full of love. He drew back, gently smiling. “You got it Lilipad.”

Lilith smiled and wrapped her arm around his stomach, giving him a big hug and a soft kiss on the cheek. She stood up and collected her papers to Blake’s bewilderment.

“Where you goin’? What about the song?” He asked.

“I think I’m gonna try it on my own and if I need help, I’ll come and ask you.”

“You’re sure?”

“Positive.”

“Alright then. Get outta here while I check on breakfast.”  

Lilith tipped her imaginary cowboy hat and jogged up the stairs.

Gwen moved quickly from the partition and went back to the oven to start on her gravy. She heard Blake enter the kitchen a moment later and turned to see him leaning against the counter. He was staring at her with a comical expression.

“What?” She asked.

“I give up. Come and find me. Am I lost? Or am I hiding? I disappear and wind up here. Come and find me.” His words were laced with so much amusement that Gwen couldn’t help but smile. She looked at him confused, however, to keep up with the false pretense of obliviousness.

“What are you doing?” She asked.

“Lilith just told me that you sang that to her when she was younger. Every night before she went to bed.”

“She did?” Blake crossed his arms. Gwen gave him a dubious look. “Well, what do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know. Why that one, I guess?”

“I see you and I'm trying to come back from where I've been, but I don't know the way back home. Come and find me.” Gwen recited part of the lyrics. “I mean, you wrote that about losing yourself and losing me time and time again. Singing it to Lilith was the only way I could force myself to let you back into my life. Telling myself every night that all those times you went away, you were just lost and wanted to be found. Lilith was the same way. She was shy when she was little, you know that. She liked to hide herself away sometimes, and I was scared she would get lost somewhere in your darkness. That song reminds her that someone will always bring her back out into the light when she forgets her way in the shadows.”

Blake frowned. “Wait, what do you mean ‘your darkness’?”

Gwen froze. “What?” She hated how brittle it sounded.

“You said you were afraid Lilith would get lost in my darkness. What did you mean?”

“Nothing.” Gwen replied too quickly. “I meant that—you’ve been in her life since she was born. She’s very attached to you, that’s all. She knows you’ve struggled and I just didn’t want her thinking that it was okay to—”

“Okay to what?”

Gwen was taken back. She faltered and hesitated.

“I didn’t mean—”

“What? What didn’t you mean?”

“Blake...please don’t.”

His gaze lit her up, his eyes sunken and bitter but bright with something furious.

“I don’t wanna fight. We just got you back.”

He nodded. The motion was full of remorse and resentment at the same time. He blinked at her once and then turned around and walked out of the kitchen.

It gave her a headache. The abruptness of their conversations—how they twisted and turned from one happy thought to something rigid and cold in a matter of seconds. One word and she loses her grip on the situation and him. No words and he slowly dies while she watches with a knife in her own side. It was second nature by now but it was no less painful to experience.

Gwen sighed and went back to cooking, noticing the time as another hour past before she had everything cooked and the table set.

She found Gavin shaving in the bathroom.

“Breakfast is ready.”

“I saw his truck outside.”

Gwen rolled her eyes internally. “I told you he might show up.”

“Yeah but for how long?”

“I don’t know.”

Gavin banged his razor a little too loudly on the sink as he rinsed it of hair and cream.

“You know he passes through.” She reiterated.

“Whenever he feels like it.”

“Yeah. That’s Blake. You know this so why are you trying to pick a fight with me about it?”

Gavin set his razor down and wiped his face clean with a towel. He threw it back on the counter and turned to face her. “Look, I’m ecstatic he’s not dead in a ditch somewhere. But him camping out here like we’re all best buds is not how I wanted to spend the rest of my summer.”

“Our summer.” She murmured.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Gavin gave her a hard look and she tried not to cower from it. Her husband opened his mouth to say more but the knock on their bedroom door interrupted.

“Come in.” Gwen called, still having a staring match with Gavin.

The door opened and Apollo walked in. Barefoot, sleepy-eyed and clad in a t-shirt and shorts, her youngest smiled at them. “Food done? Can we start eating?”

“Go ahead.” Gavin answered for her.

“Can you get the juice and milk out the fridge and set it on the table for me? And fill Blake’s cup with coffee, please.”

“K, no problem.” He turned to leave.

“Sugar—”

“No cream just milk,” He said over his shoulder as he left the room. “I know.”

The door shut with a soft click.

Gwen returned her gaze to Gavin and he was staring at her completely bewildered.

“I wish my coffee order was that much of a priority.” He said with a hint of a smile, and Gwen relaxed for the first time since Blake aggravated him with his presence.

“Don’t be petty.” She mused, heading to the door. And just like that the tension was gone.

“I like mine with half and half and two cubes just in case you forgot.” He said after her.

“It’s not a good look on you.” She continued, not turning around to address his childish banter.

Once in the hallway again, Gwen could smell the food she had prepared and she smiled. She hadn’t had breakfast with her entire family in a long time, but having Blake there almost felt like that first step. She would have to orchestrate something before he got antsy and left again.

Speaking of leaving, when she entered the dining room, she found Blake hunched at the table surrounded by crumpled up paper, a legal pad, and a pile of old and used guitar picks he always kept in his front jeans pocket scattered on his tablet. But his jacket was on and his keys beside his mess on the table. It was a stark contrast to the pretty cutlery she laid out for them.

“Where are you going?” She asked.

Blake tossed a crumpled ball of paper to Apollo to throw in the trash beside the inside kitchen wall. He caught it and tossed it but not before opening it up and reading its contents. “You’re throwing away songs?”

Blake finally looked up, his curls now scattered and un-styled as he left it to dry without any product in it, his eyes sunken with urgency. “It wasn’t good.” He turned his tablet off and knocked back the last drops of hot coffee. “I should be doing this at the studio. Deacon called and he’s got an opening for three hours with Whittey. He’s in town for the grammys.” Blake said looking at her.  

“I just made breakfast.”

“Gwen.” He said her name like he used to do when she was annoying his writing process. Back then he was passionate and hot blooded, burning with so much talent that she never once stood in his way and only served to fan his flames when he got the itch to write with her. “I appreciate it but I can’t write with the drone of ya’ll behind me.”

“We drone?” Apollo asked offended.

“When I’m concentrating, that’s what it amounts to. Look, I’ll head out and be three hours tops.” Gwen would have rolled her eyes if she wasn’t still shocked at the turn of events. Three hours with Deacon always turned into nine and Gwen knew she wouldn’t see him at all that day until night fell.

“When I get back we can go through that demo.” He pointed at Apollo.

“Wait.” Gwen spluttered. “You need to eat something. You didn’t even say goodbye to Lilith.” Her thoughts were a jumble and she was thinking of anything to get him to stay a little longer.

He grabbed a biscuit and lathered it with honey and jam, eating half of it with one bite. “It’s good. Tell her I love her.” He said around a mouth full and walked around the table to her. “Thank you.” He kissed her cheek and walked out with his guitar case, tablet, papers, picks, and keys.

She turned to her son and Apollo just shrugged.

“More for me.” He said happily, sitting down.

Gwen grinned against her better judgment.

 

&

 

“I’m gonna meet the guys for drinks.” Gavin said against her shoulder as he placed a soft kiss against the bare skin there. 

She was in her night shirt, the one with the thin noodle straps and silk fabric that made her feel like she was walking around in heaven.

“Again?”

“We’re working on some new material.”

Gwen frowned but nodded. “Okay. Well have fun. Be safe.”

He uncharacteristically smiled at her in the mirror. With a final kiss to her neck, he left in a flurry. Gwen was almost getting annoyed at the men in her life leaving her in a rush.

Once she finished lathering her arms and legs with lotion, she went about the house locking up. When she got upstairs to say goodnight to her kids, she realized Lilith was in Apollo’s room.

She stopped just outside his cracked doorway and peered in. Lilith was sitting on the floor, a dozen records surrounding her legs and feet. Apollo was on his bed sifting through his album collection, old and new.

“What about this one?” Lilith asked, holding up a greatest hits Ronnie Dunn record.

“Put it in the maybe pile.”

“Uhh, there’s only one pile.”

Apollo, annoyed, looked down at her. “Then make one genius.”

“You know you’re starting to get real pissy like Dad.” She retorted.

“And if Mom knew you were talking like that you’d be pissing your pants.”

“Shut up.”

“Gladly, if you do the same and help me.”

“I’m trying. It’s really hard to find a good song for the showcase. Like everybody is gonna be there, including record labels—”

“Lilith, I know. God just look will ya?”

Her daughter rolled her eyes and went back to picking through her pile. They were silent for all about three minutes and Gwen was just about to knock and ask for goodnight kisses and hugs when Lilith exclaimed.

“Oh my god this is so old!” She held up a record in the air to Apollo and Gwen barely made out the back cover design. It was her first album.

Apollo held his hand out for her to give it to him and when it was in his grasp, he smiled widely. “This album had such good love songs on it.”

“Sanctuary’s on there, right?” Lilith asked. Apollo scanned the back side and nodded. “That ones my favorite.”

He opened the cover and ran a finger down the inside where the credits were listed for each song. “Uncle Blake has a co-write on it.”

“That’s so cool.”

“This record was actually genius. An album full of love songs and then the last song on the record is literally a song about hating love songs.”

Lilith screwed her face up. “I don’t remember that one.”

“Oh come on. Yeah you do.”

Lilith shook her head. Apollo sighed and grabbed his guitar from the foot of his bed.

He strummed the chords to her second number one single and Lilith watched with anticipation.

 

_ I hate Shakespeare and Gosling and cakes with white frosting _ __   
_ Two names in a heart-shaped tattoo _ __   
_ I think cupid is stupid and violets are purple not blue _ __   
_ I hate catching bouquets, the honeymoon phase _ __   
_ And letterman jackets don't fit _ _   
_ __ Your eyes can't hold stars and you'd die if your heart really skipped

 

_ I hate love songs _ _   
_

_ Yeah, I really do  _

_ I hate love songs _

_ But I love you _ __   
  


Lilith giggled at the lyrics and the funny faces Apollo made as he sang them. Gwen couldn’t stop herself from smiling like an idiot. She had forgot about the song until now and it warmed her that her children loved it just as much as she did when Blake first sang it to her. 

 

_ I hate pink hearts with glitter and Valentine's dinner _ __   
_ And roses just die in a week _ __   
_ We were drunk when we met so we don't know our anniversary _ __   
_ Oh and I'm far too vain to kiss in the rain _ __   
_ The clouds, they aren't numbered to nine _ _   
_ __ And you make me feel something but it sure as hell ain't butterflies

 

Apollo didn’t sing the whole song but Lilith clapped anyways when he stopped. “It’s a good one. But it sounds nothing like the songs Mom writes.” 

“It wasn’t written by her. Uncle Blake wrote it. I guess she liked it and cut it for her album.”

Lilith just smiled at that.

A peaceful silence descended over the room. Gwen’s smile fell with it.

“You know what you should do? Ask Uncle Blake to come to the showcase and perform one of his songs.”

Apollo looked up in thought. “That’s actually not a bad idea.” Lilith beamed at him. “Guess you’re not that stupid after all.”

Her daughter got up from the floor and Gwen couldn’t see it but she was sure she just flipped her brother off. “You can clean all this up by yourself now.”

Gwen didn’t want them to know she was eavesdropping so she opened the door and effectively cut off Lilith’s dramatic exit.

“Oh. Hey Mom.”

“Hi. I’m going to bed. I just came up to say goodnight.”

Lilith hugged her right away. Gwen squeezed her daughter tightly. “Night Mom.”

Lilith trailed passed her, presumably to her own room.

Apollo looked sheepish as he stared at his mother trying to make her way across his cluttered room without tripping. When she finally reached him, he remained sitting on the bed but wrapped his arms around her waist. She ran a hand through his long curls.

“Finding a song for the showcase?” She felt him nod against her stomach. “Need any help?”

He pulled back and looked up at her with his beautiful light brown eyes. “I think I got it.”

“Well if you need help let me know.”

“I will.”

She leaned down and gave him a kiss on the head before maneuvering her way across the room again. She was almost to the door when Apollo’s voice stopped her.

“Hey, Mom?” She turned back around. “How come you and Dad never wrote together or put out any songs?”

Gwen tilted her head. “You know what, I don’t know.” Apollo didn’t look disappointed or any different at her answer. “Why are you asking?”

“Just curious.”

Gwen stared at him for a long period of time knowing he wanted to say more. “I guess we just never really thought about it.”

“But you and Uncle Blake wrote everything together.”

“Not everything.”

“Most things.”

Gwen faltered at his insistence. “Blake and I wanted the same things when we were younger. We were in love and making music was a big part of our relationship. We were a team. He’s the best and my favorite writing partner. Me and your father are a team now, just not musically.”

“Do you wish you were?”

“...Sometimes.” Gwen said truthfully.

Apollo seemed satisfied with her answer and finally let her go. “Okay. Love you Mom, goodnight.”

“Love you. Don’t stay up too late.”

She closed his door softly and checked to see that the light was off in Lilith’s room before going back downstairs.

Gwen climbed into bed as soon as her body felt the cold sheets on her skin. She was used to falling asleep without Gavin some nights but something felt wrong—off. So she tossed and turned and finally gave up.

Sitting up, Gwen turned on her bedside lamp and opened the nightstand drawer. The orange book was lying inside and she stared at it before making her mind up. She searched through the pages and read only about half of them. Some were long paragraphs that were either missing a chorus or a verse. Others were just one word sentences. She stumbled across one that talked about the first time they had met. It had no title but it was up on the favorites list that she had started making in her head for the ones she did read.

 

_ I remember the way you looked at me for the first time _ __   
_ And our eyes lingered in the symphony of another Saturday night _ __   
_ And you still do that to me _ __   
_ Like I’m the only one _ _   
_ __ The only melody

 

There was also a list of songs that she hated. And not the kind of hatred that came because the lyrics were bad but because the lyrics were just too real and made her feel too much. There was a song called, “I’ve Got to Have You,” and each line struck another chord in her chest. 

 

_ I know you're worried about where you stand _ __   
_ The ring that he gave you is still on your hand _ __   
_ You want to be faithful you want to believe _ __   
_ He's easy to lie to but hard to deceive _ __   
  


She knew it was written during her and Gavin’s separation years ago. Before Lilith was even born. She had shacked up with Blake for an entire week while it was Gavin’s turn to have the kids. She was supposed to be in New York promoting her new album but she cancelled and caught a flight to Oklahoma instead. Blake was surprised to see her on his front door step but he didn’t stop her when she kissed him within an inch of both of their lives or tell her to slow down when she forced him on the floor of his living room and touched and licked and bruised places of his body that she hadn’t in over twenty years. Her and Gavin weren’t together, she made that very clear when she told him he could live in the house and she would stay at her parents with the kids. Even though she knew he slept with other women during that time, it didn’t erase the fact that it hurt. It hurt when he cheated before then and it hurt just as much after. 

Gwen never intended to sleep with Blake. She didn’t like the fact that she was being unfaithful while she was still technically married. It was a mistake on her end, a slip up on her part. And she knew she hurt Blake most of all. Gavin got over it, he had no choice but too. But Blake was blindsided once again when she left him with just a note for a goodbye. She had given him false hope and throughout everything they had endured together, that was the second most thing she wished she could take back. The first one hurt too much to even think about.

Gwen shuddered and flipped the page quickly. The papers stuck together through the middle so she ended up skipping a whole bunch of unread pages and landed on the song he wanted her to see earlier. It was titled, “Silver Springs.”

Gwen looked over the lyrics one more time. There wasn’t much to go off of but maybe that was the whole point. She didn’t need to know where Blake intended the direction of the song to go. If anything, he was calling her out and Gwen felt a surge to defend herself. She spent only ten minutes in bed thinking of a first verse before she finally found what she wanted to say and how she wanted to say it. Another ten went by and she found herself outside sitting on the outdoor furniture. She was spread out on the couch along her back, the songbook and pencil held directly above her as she scratched out lines and rewrote others. She was working on another song he had attempted to write. He had one line.

_ One last time _

It was ambiguous. He could have been thinking of a number of things when he felt it important enough to write it down in the book.

“What the hell are you doing?”

Gwen jumped up and clutched her chest.

Blake was standing by the sliding door, hand on the light switch as he flipped the light on.

“Can you stop giving me heart attacks.” She complained, moving to a sitting position on the cushion.

“I could but I’m not going to.” He smiled.

She rubbed a hand over her face, peeking through the slits of her fingers to look at him. “How was the studio?”

“It was good. Me and Deacon wrote the best song. You’d like it. I practically saw the wheels turnin’ in Whittey’s head. I’m sure he wants us to cut it down in Nashville.”

“How is Deacon?”

“He’s good.” Blake sat down next to her and Gwen realized while looking at his layers how chilly the night air actually was. She was only dressed in her night shorts and silk top. “Whittey told me to get you back into the studio.”

Gwen laughed. “Yeah right.”

“He also told me that Jimmy’s been sniffin’ around for some new stuff. Told me he told you that he wants another record out of you before you disappear for good.”

“Really….Guess Whittey didn’t tell you everything Jimmy said.”

Blake cocked his head to the side. Gwen sighed. “He wants us to start writing together again. He wants my last album to be like the first. Think of a concept, flesh out the songs in a week, get recording for another two—”

“Have it done in a month.”

Gwen shook her head. “We were completely crazy back then and I have no idea how we managed to pull that one off.”

“But we did. And it went straight to number one.”

“It did.”

Blake hummed. “I don’t think we slept at all.”

Gwen laughed. “No we didn’t. We just wrote, ate, sang—”

“Fucked.”

Gwen still got shocked at his brazenness even after all these years. She punched him in the shoulder and he laughed loudly, the kind where he threw his head back and clutched his stomach. “Made love.” Gwen stressed the phrase.

“No, sometimes we make love. Other times, I’m tryin’ to keep from dying.” Gwen blushed and he smiled at the reaction he got out of her.

“Made love.” She corrected.

He waved a hand at her. “Yeah, don’t remind me.”

She rolled her eyes at him, playfully.

They enjoyed a peaceful silence until he broke it. “I would write another record with you.” Blake said, staring at her with soft eyes.

“I don’t know…”

“What don’t you know?”

“We haven’t written together in years. What if it’s off?”

“It’s never off between us. No matter how we felt about each other, the music always came first. We could write a number one hit in the middle of a screaming match, you remember.”

Gwen smiled because he was right about that and she did remember.

“What if we have different things to say? We’re not the same people.”

“Yes we are.”

“No we’re not. We used to be each other’s worlds and that’s not exactly true anymore. You’re sober, I’m married, there’s kids involved...we live two completely different lives.”

Blake turned his entire body to face her. The position moved his right leg closer to her left. His knee laid on the sofa next to her leg and Gwen’s eyes traveled down the length of his body. She placed a hand on his thigh and thumbed at the thick fabric of his jeans, tearing an already pre-existing stitch out of its seam. Blake didn’t mind so she kept at it.

“Gwen...We’re always gonna be the same people. I can know you through anything. I’ve loved you through everything. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t know who you are to me.”

Her eyes flashed with a kind of final pain. No matter how many times she’s told herself she didn’t need to hear those words come out of Gavin’s mouth, it just wasn’t true.

Gwen squeezed Blake’s leg and gave him a watery smile. She couldn’t think of anything to say that would make him feel just as she did. But Blake saw that in her eyes and smiled back. His eyes searched over her entire being and when his gaze landed on her lap, they narrowed. She sheepishly looked down at it, forgetting all about his songbook.

“I didn’t finish any but I started writing.” She explained.

“Which ones?”

“Silver springs and one last time.”

“Show me.”

Gwen hesitated but did as he requested, opening the book to the marked page. “I started the first verse and one of the bridges.” She pointed to her loopy scrawl.

__

_ You could be my silver spring                                                                                                                                                                                                                            _ _ Blue-green colors flashing _ __   
_ I would be your only dream _ _   
_ __ Your shining autumn ocean crashing 

 

He read the lyrics quietly and Gwen nipped at her knuckles impatiently waiting for his reaction. 

“Damn you know how to write.” He let out a puff of air.

Gwen almost sighed in relief. “Keep reading.”

She saw his eyes trail down the paper.

 

_ I follow you down until the sound _ __   
_ Of my voice will haunt you _ __   
_ You'll never get away from the sound _ _   
_ __ Of the woman who loves you

 

“Wouldn’t want to.” Blake replied to her lyrics. 

Gwen blushed. “I didn’t write anything for “One Last Time” because you didn’t write anything down either. There’s just a title. I didn’t know what you meant by it.”

Blake flicked to the almost empty page and took his pencil from behind his ear. “I think it was just wanting one last time with you. I mean I woke up that morning reaching over to your side of the bed and you weren’t there. You were gone. And if I had known that was gonna be the last time…”

Blake trailed off, hurt evident in his eyes. He cleared his throat.

“What would you do with one last time?” Gwen quietly asked.

“You don’t wanna know.”

“I do. I can’t give it to you so tell me. At least, then, you’ll know that I know.”

Blake’s gaze was heavy. “There’s a lot I’d want.”

“Like what?” She challenged him, knowing the only way he was going to ever tell her is if he saw how much she wanted to know. He never liked to scare her off and any skittish signs on her end would have him closed off and silent in a matter of seconds.

“Well for starters, I’d have you in bed so I could stare in your eyes for as long as I wanted. As long as it took to permanently lodge the exact color of them into my memory.”

“That’s where you start.” Gwen told him, unfazed by his desires and thoughts.  

“What?”

“That’s how the song starts off. I wanna lay in your bed. 

Stare in your eyes.” 

Blake looked at her for a brief moment before he wrote down the lyrics she just said. He paused, wrote something else down, erased it, then wrote again. “Feel your heart beating with mine.” He read.

“One last time.” She recited.

Blake pointed a finger at her as he wrote some more. “Should I go get my guitar?” He asked.

“No. Let’s just get the lyrics down and we’ll add the music later.”

He nodded. “Your turn.”

“Oh, no. This is your song.”

“Don’t do that. It’s our song now.”

“Blake…”

“If you had one last time with me what would you want?”

“Again, Blake.” She scolded him. She didn’t want to think about stuff like that.

“Fine. What would it be like? What do you think it would be like.”

She rubbed her forehead and ran a hand down her smooth hair. “No tears.” She told him, letting that much slip out of her. “We wouldn’t cry.”

“There won't be any tears.” He said out loud as he wrote it down on the paper too.

“That's not why we’re here.” She thought out loud.  

Gwen watched him write quickly, his handwriting sloppy but still legible. He looked up at her, signaling for her to finish the verse. She shook her head. Blake softly begged her with his eyes and Gwen allowed herself one minute to think about it and if she couldn’t think of anything good to contribute in that minute she would seize her involvement altogether.

Her mind went places that she would normally avoid when it came to Blake and once she opened those gates again, it was so very easy to think of what she wanted if they had one last time to be together. “I want the lights off so we can disappear for awhile.”

“For one last time.” He said, in the guise of a question. She gave him a coy look and he smiled down at the paper.

It was a full five minutes before Blake stopped writing and cleared his throat. When he started singing, Gwen was surprised. 

 

_ Cause I'm not here to fight                                                                                                                                                                                                                               _ _ About who's wrong or right _ __   
_ I just want your kiss _ _   
_ __ I want to feel just like this

_ One last time _ __   
  


He was staring down at the words as he sang and only looked to her when he was finished. 

 

_ Your breath on my neck _ __   
_ I don't wanna forget the smell of your skin. _ _   
_ __ Touch me again

_ One last time _ __   
  


Gwen sang his same melody, eyes locked on his as she thought of the words to match his intensity. They were unexpected but not surprising. It was what she wanted. 

Blake was the first to look away, but only to write down the new verse. “I think I should repeat my second verse here.” Gwen nodded, throat feeling constricted by the sudden charge in the air. “Which leaves you to end the song.”

He passed the notebook and pencil over and she took it willingly. She pondered how to conclude their last time but nothing seemed to fit. It would only be full circle if she left him instead of the other way around. Blake would never leave her. That was her unfortunate aptitude.

“What’s wrong?” He asked after several minutes of her delicate silence.

Gwen was struggling to speak. She wanted to open her mouth but was afraid it would end with something getting broken to pieces. Her heart for starters.

“Gwen—”

“How do you want me to leave you?”

Blake looked like he had physically taken a blow. He was caught off guard by the question but seemed to understand because he sat back, lowered his eyes, and locked his jaw. “Quietly.” He responded after a minute.

Gwen took him at his word, ignoring how similar their thoughts were.

 

_ And then when you fall asleep _ __   
_ I'll kiss your cheek _ __   
_ Whisper goodnight _ __   
_ And I'll just leave _ _   
_ __ One last time 

 

Blake’s face held no emotion as she passed the notebook back and he read the end of yet another song they’d written with and about each other. Gwen couldn’t help but think how ecstatic Whittey and Jimmy would be if they knew.  

Blake shook his head. She could see the beginnings of a rueful smile start to make its way on his lips but it never quite got there. “It shouldn’t be this easy writing with you.”

Gwen couldn’t help but to agree. She was baffled by how easy it was to hate him and yet write a love song about him, especially when they were younger. She tried and failed to find someone who could replace Blake as her songwriting partner, and while a couple people came close, no one's ever lasted as long as she would have liked them to.

Gwen flinched, realizing how awful and amazing that sounded. “You know I can’t write a record with you. Not now. Not after all these years.” She said without preamble. Blake looked over at her. “I see how easy it is to fall back into old habits with you. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

Blake stared at her oddly but there was no hostility in his breath or in the blue of his eyes like she expected. Instead, he raised a hand to tuck a stray hair behind her ear. Gwen shuddered but didn’t pull away.

“Why did you leave?” He asked, his voice just barely above a whisper.

She hated how easily he took advantage of a moment. But she couldn’t fault him for lasting this long. She knew he’d been waiting fourteen years to ask her that. She could wait a lifetime to never answer him if she could. “The album—”

“I don’t care about the album. I’ve got forever to convince you to write with me again. I wanna know why you left.”

“You know why.”

“The first time, yeah. But the second...”

“I was married. I was still in love with him.” She admitted. It was the truth. Not the whole truth but he’d take a lie at this point just to get her to open up and talk about it.

Blake’s eyes scanned her face for something more but when he didn’t find what he was looking for, his hand dropped from where it caressed the side of her head. He looked conflicted, defeated.

Gwen took his hand in hers and tried to take away some of the sting she knew he was feeling. She ran her other hand through his curls, hoping the comfort was enough to delay whatever it was they were doing with each other. Writing always brought them closer and opened up old wounds she’d rather keep closed.

“Blake…”

“Don’t worry. I’m a big boy. I asked.”

Gwen sighed. “I hate making you sad.”

His smile was half-hearted and resigned. “I know.”

Gwen groaned and buried her face in Blake’s neck, breathing in his scent. He leaned his own head on hers, and Gwen could feel the scratch of his facial hair as their cheeks rested against one another.

It was more of a warm embrace than a hug.

“Did you at least think about it?” He asked while he rubbed his palms over her back.

Gwen shifted slightly, straining to look at some part of his face but her line of vision only held the frame of his jawline and ear. “Think about what?” She murmured.

“Staying.”

Gwen shut her eyes tightly, held her breath, and stopped the massive pile of guilt from crushing her as she pressed her lips to his neck. “All the time.”

She suddenly became aware of the noises surrounding them—the lack of noise really. The outside was uncharacteristically quiet save for her hitched breathing. Blake was eerily silent after her confession but his chest rose and fell deeply at an unhurried pace.

Slowly, he began to move her backwards, guiding her until she was pressed between his side and the back of the couch. He moved like he was going to stand up and Gwen slipped her arms around him to keep them right there. Blake hesitated but eventually let his weight sink into her. They sat there like that, her face buried against his neck, his arms wrapped around her. Blake kissed her on her cheek, on her temple, stroked the small of her back. He brought his hand up and brushed his fingers against the side of her face and Gwen turned her face into his palm.

She looked up at him, open and vulnerable to his touch. He looked down at her, just as undone and defenseless. His thumb moved under the creases of her eyes and trailed down the bridge of her nose. He looked like he wanted to say something. Gwen wanted to hear something other than her heart slamming inside her chest. She turned her head into his hand again and kissed the inside creases lovingly. This startled Blake as he looked up into her eyes. She was silently asking him, outwardly begging him to tell her what was wrong, what was eating at him so much that he was allowing himself to have this moment.

Because that was the real question. With a passion, and a chemistry, a history like theirs, how did they manage to keep from having an affair all these years. It was an unspoken agreement that happened years ago, to think at her wedding of all places, that they would only ever touch each other, never feel. He had initiated the unspoken pack when he danced with her at the reception. She could tell something was different in the way he held her and with the way their eyes looked at each other. Gwen knew that’s all that they could ever do again, for the rest of their lives if she was going to be married to another man.

But this, this moment was different. At this moment she was allowing herself to feel him and he was allowing himself to feel her.

“What’s wrong?” She voiced out loud. Urging him to share with her. She kept her voice calm and her body relaxed so that he wouldn’t close up at her nerves. And she was nervous because Blake was the type of man to put two and two together and come up with a number bigger than infinity. “What are you thinking?”

He tugged at her earlobe as he sighed quietly. “I wasn’t born to lose you.” Gwen’s body tensed. Blake must have been so lost in thought that he hadn’t even noticed. “But I haven’t died yet and you’re still not mine. So I must have. I guess I was meant to.”

His thumb got a little heavier along her ear. And Gwen noticed that tension was actually her wanting to leave. That warmth was turning into something else, something ugly and desperate and inappropriate, and now she just desperately wanted to leave. But Blake wouldn’t let her pull away even if she tried.

“Blake...God kept us in each other’s life for a reason. It might not have been the way you wanted but it’s the way he wanted it to be.”

“I wish God hadn’t made me so weak.” Blake said in that simple way of his, drawing circles around her empty piercing.

She knew he was talking about back then. Maybe if he had been stronger, they would have made it out together.

“Sometimes I want to be like we were so badly,” She admitted to him. “But then you wouldn’t be sober. I wouldn’t have my kids. Things turned out the way they did for a reason.”

“Answer me this, then. Are you better off or worse for knowing me?”

She ran her fingers through his curls, moving them from his forehead and then rested her hand on his exposed cheek. "I’m a kinder person," Gwen spoke softly. "And I have all the patience in the world for people who‘ve had a harder life than I did. Who struggled where I didn’t. You made me a more understanding person. I’m more grateful for you than you know."

He looked up as he smiled at her words. “You’re not just saying that?”

“I’m not just saying that.”

“I’ll believe it until you give me a reason not to.” He replied in that slow, sweet way of his. It was still a little uncertain. But only a little.

Gwen grinned from ear to ear. Blake took in the sight of her smile and leaned in to kiss her cheek. She smiled through the press of his lips on her skin. And when he pulled away, it was only a few inches of space left between them. Gwen’s pleased simper turned unsure as she felt the air shift above them, twisting and turning amidst them.

She turned her head slightly to look at him and found his gaze on her mouth. Gwen’s insides boiled as she reached out a hand and traced the curve of Blake’s collarbone, trailed her nails down his chest, his belly. Their eyes locked, lips parted.  

“Dove...” Blake whispered, and the sound of her old nickname slipping past his soft mouth flicked something inside of her on again. She hadn’t heard it in over fourteen years and when she pressed forward into a kiss she knew she shouldn’t have, the only thought was of his voice calling her dove.

Gwen pressed her open mouth to Blake’s warm lips, letting out a pleased sound when he gave her mouth a soft lick.

The guilt and worry slid down her back as Blake’s hand followed the same path. The kiss was heated, their tongues insistent, her hand curving half-tight around the back of Blake’s neck to keep him close, keep him kissing. Later, her fingers scraped the back of his head entirely, clutching him.

Blake’s kisses were warm and kind. Blake’s touches, light as mist. His presence was like the exhale of cool air against bruised skin. She realized she had not been painted in black and blue in a while. Gavin liked her in red and grey.

Gavin.

Gwen pulled away abruptly, hands flying to her mouth immediately, feeling and touching the remains of his kiss. Blake coughed and turned his body away from her own. He couldn’t keep his gaze focused in one place, couldn’t help looking back and forth between Gwen’s wide eyes, pursed lips, and fragile exterior. 

He cleared his throat and wiped at his mouth. “I’m sorry.”

Gwen flinched hearing the lust still in his voice. She removed any trace of it from her own before she spoke. “I think we should go to bed.”

Blake looked up, a flash of desire in his eyes.

“Alone.” She continued. “I think we should go to bed alone.”

Blake blinked erratically, as if unsure of how they had gotten here. His eyes pleaded with her even as he said, “I’ll go to bed alone. Your bed ain’t been empty in years.”

“That’s not true.” She surprised herself in saying.

He didn’t respond, just looked down at the table, then at the ground, then to his lap, and back up at her.

“Can I show Whittey?” He gestured to the forgotten songbook wedged in between the couch cushions between them.

She nodded and when she didn’t say or do anything else but stare at her knees, Blake took that as his sign to leave. Gwen panicked.

“Blake—Can we—I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

“But it did.”

“Can you just try to forget—”

“No, Gwen. You don’t have the right to ask me for something like that just because I love you.”

“That’s the only reason I can ask you.”

He looked down at his hands. “All right,” He said, pushing back one of the pillows forcefully and standing up. “Then I guess we’re done.”

Her grip on his arm was tight, and trembling. He looked down at her with an agonizing severity which turned expectant when she didn’t say anything. She opened her mouth several times but nothing came out.

“I get really close, Gwen. But it never happens for me.” He spoke instead. “What do you make of that?”

“That it’s time to fall out of love with me?”

“Yeah...it is. But something tells me you won’t let me. That you don’t want me to.”

She stared at Blake, her heart thumping inside her chest. “I want you to be happy.”

“We both know it’s a little too late for that.”

She shook her head. “Its not.”

“It is. The second you chose him over me. You left me in that rehab center and you started your life over without me. You didn’t even wait.”

Gwen grew offended with every passing word. “It was your fourth time. How was I supposed to know it was gonna stick?”

“You didn’t have to know. You just had to believe in me. You stopped.”

“Don’t. Don’t make me out to be the bad guy here.”

“I'm not the one married and kissing her ex.”

Gwen felt his presence go hot, no longer cool and refreshing like he once was. “You know what, I forgot who you were for a second there. I forgot how happy I’ve been without you. I forgot how you can make me feel like shit in less than two days of being here—”

“And I forgot how easily you can give up on me—”

“I forgot how easily you can give up on yourself! You were the one I had to drag drunk from bars. You were the one I had to play shows without. How many times did I cover for you? How many times did I take you back? How many times do you think you broke my heart? You broke us. Not me. You put us in this position—”

“Which us, Gwen? Huh? Which us? The one where you’re married? The one where I’m battling an addiction. Or how about the us up in Oklahoma, Montana, here. Which one? You tell me which Blake to be and I’ll be it. But don’t sit here, and talk to me like I’m not the man you always wanted me to be. I did everything you asked.”

“I’m asking you to give up on me.” There was silence. Blake stared at her incredulously. “I don’t want to hurt each other anymore. And you’re right. I’ve been selfish. I can’t have both you and Gavin. I picked him then and and I’m picking him now. Let me let you go.”

Watching him now in the moonlight—all openness and unselfconsciousness, his eyelashes batting against his cheek as he blinked—she found him so unsettling. The years had exhausted him. Her life choices had exhausted him. He would go through his entire life tired everyday if he let her continue on like they’ve been.

Truth was, Gwen could move on from Blake. She already has, already did. But as a result, she thought about him every day for the rest of her life. It was pain, but it was possible. If she could do it, he could too.

“The thing about leaving is you’ll never know if they’ll come back.” He warned her.

“You always have.” She said. It was a fact that scared her more than him leaving.

“Yeah...I guess for some people, love doesn’t exist unless you acknowledge it in front of other people.”

The words nailed her to the spot.

She was talking about letting him go and he was talking about erasing them from the record books. Erasing an entire history of love, and pain, and music. A history that so far only she and him had acknowledged. Everyone knew, but no one addressed it. Blake was right. He was tired of loving her in the dark. What was the point?

If they were not a couple, if they were not in love and committed, then what were they? What were they doing except wasting each other’s time. This was his way of signing off. His way of telling her that their love was starting to not be real to him anymore. This was how he chose to erase her from his life. She wished she had something to offer to make him see how real he was to her. He wasn't just leaving; he was disappearing. 

And this time, he didn't care if he was ever found. 


	4. Fly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI Kingston is totally gay in this story and i have no problems writing that in because it’s not the center or focus of the story and Gwen said herself that she would love it if one of her boys were gay. She’s cool with it, so am I. Full disclaimer, however, they are literally children and I have no idea who they will grow up to love. Personally, I don’t care. But for my story, which is fake, I do. :)

Her husband didn’t come home.

Gwen woke up startled, immediately feeling the cold, untouched sheets on her left. She enjoyed the way her heart sunk because it drowned the rest of the faith she had with it.

She showered, ate breakfast, and checked Blake’s empty room before texting Gavin twice. She waited two hours before her phone sounded with a message. He had drank too much the previous night and stayed at Nigel’s. 

That was it. No mention of what time he would be home. No apology for not sending a message sooner.

Gwen reeled from the blatant disregard he had showed her but she had kissed a man that her husband had disliked from the very beginning last night like she was never married. She had no room to push.

Instead, she shot Blake a courtesy text, asking if he was okay wherever he was.

“Hey, Mom!”

Apollo called down the stairs. Gwen shut her phone off and threw it on the couch on her way to the staircase. She stood at the end of the steps and called back up.

“Where’s Uncle Blake today? I wanna run something by him and hopefully get him to listen to my demo.” That feeling in the pit of her stomach expanded right away. “Mom?”

She looked up. He was wrestling with the zipper of his jacket, walking distractedly down to meet her.

Gwen didn’t know what to say because she really had no idea where Blake had gone. His bags weren’t in the room, his truck wasn’t parked in the driveway, and Gwen figured he must have left while everyone was sleeping. But she hoped he didn’t go far because it wasn’t like him to leave without saying goodbye, to the kids, at least.

“Where you going?” She asked, trying to get the conversation off her former lover.

“The band has a gig at The Fountain and King managed to get Uncle Whittey a front row seat. So rehearsals and then lunch.”

Gwen smiled. “You didn’t tell me you guys were trying to get Uncle Whittey?”

“We didn’t want you trying to make this happen for us. And we had to make sure we were ready.”

Gwen smiled proudly at her son. “I get it. You wanted to earn it and not have it handed to you. I was the same way. But remember that Whittey sees that so he won’t go easy on you guys just because you’re my kids.”

Apollo smirked. “When we’re finished, Whittey will be begging us to sign with the label. Text Uncle Jimmy and let him know we prefer Los Angeles studios over New York when we’re recording our album.” He said smugly.

Gwen laughed at his cockiness. “You can’t get signed if you’re late to rehearsal.” She said pointedly, looking at the clock behind his head.

Apollo’s eyes grew wide and he gave her a kiss on the cheek before heading to the front door quickly. “Love you, Mom. I don’t know where Dad is either but tell him the show is at eight if I don’t see him before then.”

“Ok. Be safe and check in, please.”

“Three hours tops. Oh and when Uncle Blake comes home can you tell him too? Make sure to shoot me a text when he does.”

Gwen nodded, a knot in her throat growing by the second. It wasn’t because she had no idea if Blake left California for good but because Apollo had said when, not if, when referring to him. And the use of the word home was something she tried to avoid with Blake at all costs.

“Okay, I will.”

“Thanks!” The front door slammed shut, cutting him off and Gwen let out a breath.

“I guess we’re going to that?”

Gwen turned around to see Lilith shuffling down the stairs, tiredly.

“Yeah.” Gwen answered.

She scratched her head and yawned. “Can we go shopping today? I need a new outfit if they’re playing at The Fountain.”

“What’s wrong with the dress Dad just bought you?”

“It looks more navy blue than black and I told him I wanted the peach color.”

Gwen laughed. “That’s your Dad.”

Lilith gave her a pointed look and flopped on the couch. “I think the Gucci store would have something cute.”

“I’m not taking you to the Gucci store.”

“Why not?” She almost whined.

“Because you’re fourteen.”

“Fifteen in one week and six days.”

Gwen refrained from rolling her eyes at her own daughter. “If I take you, you have to do the dishes tonight and tomorrow.”

“Deal.” Lilith agreed quickly, on the verge of exploding with excitement.

Gwen’s phone went off but the sound was muffled. Lilith frowned and grabbed the device from underneath her butt and threw it to her mother, who caught it laughing. Lilith couldn’t help but crack a smile.

Gwen looked down at the screen and saw Blake’s reply.

**At studio. B**

She thought he must have caught a ride on Deacon’s jet or something to be back in Nashville so soon. She pretended the sting from it didn’t hurt or the way her lungs suddenly felt winded.

“Mom, can we get breakfast at Autumn’s?”

Gwen looked up at her daughter but her phone buzzed again.

**The studio here. I’m here, Gwen. B**

Her lungs finally felt like they had enough air in them. It was like he could read her mind and she smiled down at her phone.

“Mom!”

“What?”

“Breakfast?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. Go start getting ready.” She told her.

Lilith groaned but got off the couch and headed upstairs.

**You didn’t have to pack your things. Gx**

Gwen looked out at her yard as she waited for his reply.

**I did. B**

Gwen ran her finger over the text.

**Can we talk? Please. Gx**

She bit her lip and waited for his response. When it was clear she wasn’t going to get one, Gwen shut her phone off again. He was probably busy in the studio with something. Inspiration couldn’t be put on hold. It was too important to Blake.

Then again, so was she. Or at least, she used to be.

 

&

 

“Where are we going? Autumn’s is that way.” Lilith pointed to the opposite side of the road. 

“We need to stop somewhere really quickly.” Gwen responded.

“I better be getting a cheesecake malt, too, for my troubles.”  

“You are a piece of work.”

“That’s a funny way to say masterpiece.”

Gwen shook her head, a smile passing through her lips. “You know who you remind me a lot of sometimes?” She looked over to see Lilith shaking her head.

“Uncle Blake.”

She beamed. “That’s a good thing isn’t it?”

Gwen looked back to the road. “Yeah, it is.” She tried to make it sound as convincing as possible.

Lilith grinned from ear to ear. “Hey, Mom. Do you think my kids will have blue eyes?”

Gwen’s fingers tensed on the wheel and her body became rigid. She wasn’t expecting the random question. “I don’t know. Why are you asking?”

“Because me and Maggie were talking about how we’ll each marry a Jonas Brother, except Kevin, but Nick and Joe have brown eyes. But you and Dad both have brown eyes and I came out with blue. And you guys said that was because Grandpa Rossdale had blue eyes because mine our recessive right?” Gwen nodded mutely. “Right, so if my eyes are blue and Nick’s are brown, my kid might have a shot of getting blue eyes even though brown are dominant. Or would they have less of a chance because my case is extremely rare?”

Gwen felt her head swelling with each passing second. “You know what, I’m not sure. Stuff like that is always up to God and the human body.”

“What if I marry someone with blue eyes too and our baby comes out with brown?”

Gwen’s phone started ringing before she could answer her daughter and the mother of four was so very grateful. “See who that is for me, please.”

Lilith grabbed the phone from the cup holder. “It’s Dad. Can I answer it?”

Gwen nodded.

Lilith answered the phone cheerfully while Gwen stared out at the miles of black road before them. She idly listened to their chatter as Lilith kept Gavin occupied for the duration of the drive.

If Gwen felt like she was going to be sick the rest of the way, if she felt like hell was slowly closing in on her the more questions she wasn’t fully prepared to answer, if she didn’t feel the least bit of guilt but all the joy in the world when they arrived to the studio without having to say a single world to Gavin, then that was her problem, and she would deal with it alone. She hoped this time wouldn’t be like the others. Clearly, like everything else in her life, she was wrong.

 

&

 

Urban Studios was Blake and hers favorite recording atelier while they wrote and recorded numerous albums in their earlier careers. It had something for them both. Blake got his country, grass roots vibes from the interior and chattels; Gwen got her Ska and rocksteady energy from the staff and bands that recorded there. But the true appeal, to her at least, was the execution of a perfect illusion, the construction of something entirely new, something beautiful and absolutely other. To mix her Caribbean mento and calypso with American Jazz and R&B with Blake’s Irish and Celtic fiddle and English ballads that transcended folk and blues, was the reason Urban Studios was even on the map. They had started there when the studio was a nobody trying to make a name for itself. They helped build it from the ground up and in some ways, it had become like Gwen’s second home. When she eventually signed with Interscope, she had convinced Jimmy to by it out and make the studio a subdivision of the label. 

As a result, the kids had spent plenty of time there when they were younger, listening and watching their mother and her friends, and sometimes, Uncle, create alluring and fetching music.

“You’re recording?” Lilith asked as she slammed the car door.

“No. We’re just visiting.”

“Can we say hi to Margulies?”

“She should be around here.”

Lilith was fourteen, fifteen in one week and six days, but she still took her mother’s hand and occasionally held onto it tight. Gwen squeezed her smaller fingers and looked around the front entrance to make sure there weren’t any paparazzi following or hiding in the bushes.

The entrance to Urban Studios looked a lot like a massive fish bowl with the earth’s ocean inside of it. It was dark blue, at times navy, on the inside, which made the foyer dark and melancholy. There was a classic chandelier in the center of the grey ceiling that shined light on the dark pigments, making you feel like you were the only fish in the sea.

Back then, the foyer was just wood and stone covered in red tapestry. How things have changed.

Gwen looked to the front desk and didn’t recognize the red-headed girl sitting behind it. She was thin and pale and her smile was too big for her face but her eyes were warm and inviting.

“Welcome to Urban Studios, Ms. Stefani.” The young girl greeted immediately, clearing recognizing her. She smiled at Lilith too. Her daughter grimaced and Gwen nudged her shoulder with her wrist. Lilith put on a fake smile.

“Where’s Margulies?” Lilith asked.

“She’s out on a coffee run. What can I help you guys with?”

“What studio is Blake Shelton in?” Gwen inquired.

“West wing. Blue room.”

“Thank you.”

Gwen tugged Lilith down the hall before she could make any more faces at the poor girl.

“She was weird.” Lilith whispered conspiratorially.  

“She was...different.”

Lilith snorted. “She probably does drugs, Mom.”

Gwen hushed Lilith as they approached the west wing of the building. The blue room was all the way at the end of the hall.

“Why are we crashing Uncle Blake’s session? Are we gonna ask him to get breakfast? You should totally ask him to come to breakfast with us.”

“Don’t get your hopes up. I’ll ask but he’s probably really busy.”

Or still pissed off at her, Gwen thought disheartened.

As they found the blue door, Gwen could hear some chattering and some music being played on and off. She gestured for Lilith to be quiet as she softly opened the door.

She saw Deacon sitting at the board with Mark beside him. She was surprised to see the thirty-two year old and even more surprised that he knew and worked with Deacon. Kingston hadn’t told her that.

Gwen’s gaze moved to the booth and saw Blake with some woman. They were both wearing headphones, sharing the same music stand.

Gwen moved her and Lilith to the corner of the room, obscured by a protruding piece of the wall. She could still see the room but their presence was more concealed in the back.  

“I think Blake should come in with me at the beginning. It just feels flat by myself.” The girl said.

“Blake, you cool with that?” Deacon asked.

Blake nodded and the girl seemed pleased with his answer because she smiled brightly at him.

“Okay, let’s try this again. On my count.” Deacon pointed to them as soon as he started the take and both Blake and the woman turned to each other and sang out the first lyrics.

_ Looking back now, I probably should have let him run _

The melody came in after and the girl took the first verse. She was eyeing Blake the entire time she was singing coyly and blatantly to her friend. Blake had a twinkle in his eye that made Gwen feel like she had just been punched in the stomach.

When the chorus came, he joined her once again and their voices blended naturally, easily, beautifully.

Lilith squeezed her hand and Gwen resisted the urge to squeeze back.

Deacon cut the track again and played around with the take as Blake sipped at his water and the woman tried and failed to not stare at him as he did.

“Gwen?”

The retired singer looked over at Deacon startled. He was staring at her completely surprised, all attention off the song, a broad smile on his face. “Is that my favorite ska queen?”

Gwen had no choice but to come out of the shadows. She let go of Lilith’s hand to hug her long time friend as he stood up to embrace her. He kissed her cheek and pulled back to look at her again. “Just a girl my ass. You’re all woman now.”

Gwen laughed but gestured to her daughter at his insistent potty mouth, who was patiently waiting to get a hug too.

Deacon’s eyes went wide. “Sorry, princess.” He said to Lilith and held an arm out for her to join them, which she took eagerly.

He kissed her on the head and turned to the other man in the room. “Gwen, you know Mark.”

Mark stood up to give her a big hug. “Nice to see you again, Mom.”

“You too, Mark. Kingston didn’t tell me you were working at the studio.”

“I just started last week. Deacon asked me to play a couple lics and produce a little here and there.”

Gwen smiled softly. She genuinely loved Mark as if he were her own and was fond of him the day King brought him home three years ago. He was older than her son and had a little reputation of being a player but he had never treated Kingston with anything but respect and love. They were both handsome and talented and had everything in the world in common. Mark was supportive and headstrong and despite his troubled past, he remained a kind-hearted person. She had all the love in the world for him.

“That’s awesome to hear.” She responded in kind.

“So what are you doing here?” Deacon interrupted with a enthusiastic grin.

Just then the booth door slid open and Blake came out first, the girl trailing behind him. When Gwen met Blake’s eyes her breath caught a little; her heart throbbed faster for one beat.

“I had to ask Blake something before he left California for good.” She made it sound light and completely devoid of emotion for Lilith’s sake. “You left the house before I could catch you.”

Gwen let herself enjoy the way the girl’s face fell for a split moment before remembering that Blake was smiling at that girl instead of her minutes before she interrupted. Who knows how many hours they spent singing, or worst, writing with each other. Gwen felt sick just thinking about it.

“Gwen…” Blake started, swiping his hair back, involuntarily. He looked like he wanted to say something else when he spoke again. “This is Julie. I met her at the Blue Whale cafe.”

The tinge in her heart didn’t lessen at the mention of their favorite venue to play live music. The Blue Whale and them go way back to before Gavin and this Julie person.

“Hi! It’s such an honor to meet you, Gwen. I’m a big fan.”

Gwen stared at her pretty hand and hated the way hers felt awfully dry and large and too awkward. They shook hands briefly.

“That’s kind of you to say.” Was all Gwen could give the woman.

Blake was watching the exchange, watching her. And Gwen felt small and insignificant before that impenetrable gaze.

“Hi, Blake.”

He finally took his eyes off of her to look softly at Lilith. “Hi, Lilipad.”

“I liked the song you were recording.”

“Thank you. Jules wrote it. Jules this is my beautiful niece Lilith.”

Gwen wanted to gag at the use of his nickname for her.

“It’s nice to meet you.”

“Did someone really cheat on you?” Lilith asked.

Gwen wanted to be mortified but ended up quietly laughing instead.

Julie awkwardly grinned. “No, um. No, no one cheated on me. It’s just a fun song I wrote.”

Gwen had even less respect for her for writing a song about something she had no idea about. It was different writing a song about a place she had never been before for fun but when it came to things like betrayal, adultery, lying, or abuse, those things had to be experienced to be written about in such a deep, personal way—fun or not. This girl just thought it was going to be a hoot to write about cheating when Gwen and a million other women knew it personally.

“We’re making her album. She’s currently filming a little movie out here in Malibu so we figured we kill two birds in one stone.” Deacon chimed in.

Gwen did a movie once. It was no big deal.

“That’s so cool.” Lilith exclaimed.

Gwen refrained from seeing red. “Mark, can you give my daughter a tour of the studio? She hasn’t been here in years.”

Mark seemed surprised that she asked him considering the elders knew more about the place than he did but nodded nonetheless. Lilith was already gravitating toward the instruments in the room.

“Can I talk to you?” She asked Blake.

A brief pause, and then a nod. She followed him out of the room and into the hall, shutting the door quietly until she heard the soft click. Blake turned around slowly, leaning his side against the wall as he stared at their feet.

“She seems nice...talented.”

“She is.”

Gwen continued to look at him while he continued to look away. “That’s good. I’m happy for you. You deserve—”

“What do you want, Gwen?” His eyes met her.

She was taken back but quickly recovered. “Apollo and Kingston have a gig tonight...at The Fountain. Whittey will be there and it would be really nice if you showed up.”

“That’s what you wanted to talk about?”

“Lilith also wants you to come to breakfast with us.”

“Gwen—”

“It’s not for me. It’s for them. We can do us later.”

Blake said nothing in response. Schooling his expression, he remained completely impassive, his face heavily guarded. But the surprise remained. She'd never once asked him to stick around on her behalf. Not once. He hadn't expected that to still be true even after everything that occurred these past few years—let alone days. The fact that they’ve managed to put each other on the back burner for everyone and everything else was probably one of the main reasons why they never worked after he got sober. Besides her pending marriage and the constant fear that things would always end up turning in their inevitable cycle, sacrifice, or lack thereof, was probably their biggest obstacle.  

Knowing that, Gwen remained even more solid and firm. It was like a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point. She was too used to it. And despite how much it nerved her being the one to dictate where they were going next, she fought the feeling down. She had no reason to worry. Blake can forgive a thousand wrongs but as soon as she started being careless is when he started being absent. She had not made that same mistake this time. If she had, he would have already been gone, Julie or no Julie.

Right now, having the kids in between them was the best thing for them now. So she stood firm, looking him in his eyes with a strength she’d only showed when they were younger and Blake was asking for her forgiveness the next morning with a hangover. But when Blake moved closer to her all of a sudden, she almost shuddered as his hand came up into contact with her skin, gathering her hair, pulling it back out of the way. He traced the sensitive shell of her ear before touching the earing itself. It was a little white pearl, the pair of her most expensive earrings she got from him on her twenty first birthday. She didn’t wear them everyday, and had never disassociated them from Blake, but she never put much thought into when and why she wore them every other week.

Blake stared at the jewelry, breath softly fanning the apples of her cheeks as he leaned in slightly.

He let her go just as quickly, however, and took a step back. “I don’t like Autumn’s.”

Gwen blinked. She remained stoic until Blake cracked a small and private grin. She returned it.

“Meet in the middle. Huckleberry Cafe.”

Blake crinkled his nose. “Fine.”

She wanted to melt but things hadn’t been solved with just one offering of food and a concert ticket so she welcomed the goosebumps and the chill of his impending departure.

“Why don’t I meet you guys there? Let me finish up. I won’t be long.”

Gwen wanted to say no. She wanted him to just ride with her and Lilith and she could drop him back off to get his truck. She wanted Julie to go away, drop off the face of the earth but she knew that was the jealousy talking.

“Yeah we’ll wait to order until you get there.”

He nodded his thanks and brushed past her to open the door to the studio. It swung closed and Gwen rested her head against the wall at the same time of the noise.

She took five deep breaths. Four of them hurt. Three of them were short. Two left her feeling sick. The one kept her going.

She imagined that’s what true love felt like. She didn’t imagine why she never had to breathe this way for Gavin.

This was the thing songs were written about and Gwen never felt more inspiration than in that moment. Maybe she should write again, for real this time, really try.

Or maybe Julie could write it for her, since she’s so good at singing what she doesn’t know about.

Gwen held her breath as she walked back into the studio to get her daughter.

 

&

 

“Hey Mom?” 

Gwen was looking down at her phone, typing out a reply to Jimmy about setting up a meeting later in the week. “Yes?”

“Is Julie Uncle Blake’s new girlfriend?”

Her thumb stopped on the u key. “I don’t know.”

“I think it’d be cool if she was.”

Now Gwen looked up. “You think?”

“Yeah. I mean, he never married anyone. And I feel like since you and Dad are never breaking up, Blake can’t marry you. So he should marry someone else and be happy.”

“Okay. Let’s go back. Why the sudden interest in me and Blake? You never asked these questions before.”

Lilith shrugged. “I overheard King talking about it with Mark.”

“What did you hear?”

“I don’t know, I guess the same stuff. But you guys used to—still do—act like it was nothing, like no big deal. Kingston told Mark that he always wished he had a love like you and Uncle Blake but then Mark came along and he can’t imagine his life any other way with any other love blah blah blah. But it was like the way he said it. I don’t know. I guess, I just wonder how you can have all that history with someone and still not end up with them.”

Gwen was gracious to the waitress who showed up with Lilith’s pineapple and cream shake. It gave her time to think about what she was going to say.

“You know you’re really mature right?”

Lilith nodded, the straw half-hanging out of her mouth, which made Gwen want to laugh at the irony.

“You’ll understand when you get older and experience it for yourself. It’s hard to explain.” She continued.

“Can you at least try to explain?”

“I guess you just did. Being in love is like trying to explain the things you can’t try and explain. It doesn’t make any sense but that’s how it is.”

Lilith sucked a mouthful of her shake and pondered for a minute. She licked her lips before saying, “I get it.”

Gwen held back a laugh. “You do?”

“Yeah. Like my AP calc class. Like try and explain that and I’d be impressed. If love is the same way then I feel sorry for you Mom.”

Gwen stopped being speechless when it came to her daughter a long time ago so she just smiled and shook her head.

“You want some?” Lilith tilted her glass toward her mother.

Gwen only drank a little. She didn’t like pineapples. That was Lilith and Blake’s weird quirk. “Think about what you really want to eat so that when Blake gets here you’ll be ready to order.”

She started looking at the menu and Gwen went back to checking her phone.

Ten minutes later Gwen felt a tap on her shoulder and looked up at Blake’s tall frame. He was smiling down at them both.

“Started without me?” He arched a brow to Lilith, who smiled sheepishly around the straw of her milkshake.

Gwen scoot her chair in as Blake walked behind her to sit in the window seat, next to her, so that he could look at Lilith’s face properly when she started talking at any point in the meal.

“Mom, can you order for me while I go play in the game room?” Lilith asked.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

Lilith swallowed the last drop of her shake and stood up. She walked around to their side of the table and gave Blake a kiss on the cheek, telling him something quietly that Gwen strained to hear.

She moved away and Blake started laughing, waving her off as she went to the other side of the cafe.

“What did she say?”

“She’s happy I came. Said you turn into a little school girl when I’m around and she finds it funny.”

Gwen looked quickly back over to the game room but Lilith was nowhere to be seen inside of it.

“Should I be worried?” He asked.

Gwen turned to look back at him. She shifted. “No. She’s just...curious. She’s been asking questions about us.”

“I’ve noticed.”

“Well, she is getting older. She’ll be fifteen in two weeks.”

“One week and six days.” Blake corrected.

“You sound just like her.”“No offense to you or her father, but she is my mini me.” He said jokingly, but Gwen’s smile faltered. It was minuscule, invisible to the naked eye but not to her.

“I don’t blame her, though.” Gwen changed the subject. “It’s not like our entire careers and personal lives haven’t been plastered on every known magazine for decades.”

“Ahh the tabloids. Our old friend.”

“Your old friend. They don’t follow me around as much ever since I stopped making music.”

“Blessing and a curse.”

She gave him a look to explain further.

“Blessing that they’ve left you alone, curse that you had to stop making music.”

Gwen looked out at the window. “I actually set up a meeting with Jimmy while we were waiting.”

Blake shifted closer. She looked at him again. His face lit up and his eyes sparkled. “I won’t make a big deal out of it. But I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you.” She responded somewhat shyly.

“Excuse me?”

Their soft moment was interrupted by a young woman. She was blushing with awe and shock.

“I’m sorry to bother you both, but I saw you walk in.” She pointed to Blake. “And then I saw you when he sat down and I’m huge fan of both of your music, especially the songs you made together. I just wanted to know if I could get a picture with the two of you?”

Gwen made it a habit to not take pictures with her fans when her kids where around but considering Lilith was away from the table, she didn’t mind at all.

She looked to Blake and he nodded. The girl already had her phone out and ready as if expecting the answer to be yes. She squatted down beside Gwen’s chair and took a selfie with the three of them in it. She stood up and admired the picture. “Thank you so much. Again, I’m so sorry to interrupt.”

She didn’t wait for their responses as she dashed back to her table filled with what seemed like her eager and starstruck friends.

Blake shook his head. “At least the fans still ask for pictures. Paparazzi just take and ask questions like how upset am I that you’re getting married.”

“They asked you that?”

“And about a million other questions after the kids were born.”

“That’s so crazy. I’m sorry.”

Blake shrugged. He waived the waitress down and she came over to take their orders. When she left, Blake rested his elbow on the back of her chair and stroked her earlobe again. She felt the earring roll back and forth between his fingers.

“Blake…”

He hummed.

“Pictures. If she noticed that means other people have too.”

“What? You don’t want to end up on some trash magazine cover with me? It’d be like old times like you said. Maybe they’ll ask if the marriage is finally on.”

Gwen laughed despite herself. “How’d you ask?” She imitated a cameraman as if she was paparazzi trying to get the latest scoop.

Blake gave her a funny look. “I wrote her a song, made her read it until she realized I was asking her to spend forever with me.”

“Nice. Step up from the first time you proposed.”

“I don’t remember that.”

“Exactly.”

He laughed, thanking the waitress as she set down their drinks.

“Tell me the story.”

Gwen relished the tart taste of her freckled lemonade. Blake’s was left untouched.

“You came home after a gig that you and Deacon played. Kurt was back from training, Thomas from the ship so you were extra excited that they got to come. You seemed, less drunk. I thought you had just a little this time and you were so happy and so nice. You jumped on top of me on the couch and kissed my face about a hundred times and then asked me to marry you.”

“No ring?”

“No ring. You gave me a sunflower bracelet.”

Recognition flashed in his eyes. “The sunflower bracelet you still wear?” She nodded. “God, Gwen what an ass I am. I didn’t even know I got that for you...all these years…”

She didn’t know if he meant all these years of not knowing that he gave her the piece of jewelry or all these years that she kept it and still wore on occasion.

“You don’t remember any of it?”

“Vaguely. I think I remember you yelling and leaving the next morning more.”

“Well, I woke up and you were passed out on the couch.” She felt Blake tug at her earlobe. “And I know you had trouble sleeping that night so I went and woke you up. I was so happy in that moment, I remember. And I expected you to be just as happy. And you went the entire breakfast without saying anything and that’s when I realized that you proposed to me drunk. You didn’t remember it.”

He sagged in his chair, hand moving to grip the back of her neck.

“We had this big fight about it and you were screaming at me and so I left. But...I remember thinking that this was it. If you do come after me and tell me I’m not going anywhere unless it’s with you...that’s it. I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with this infuriating man. Drunk or not.”

“I guess I didn’t. Come after you.”

“Yeah, you did. Five hours later and the smell of vodka on your breath.”

Blake closed his eyes and sighed. “I promise I’m not rotten inside.”

Gwen laughed. “There’s nothing but music and love in there.” She poked his chest playfully.

He removed his hand from her neck and placed it behind her chair back again.

“You know what? I always accused you of giving up on me...moving on instead of waiting when I know that ain’t fair. So I think I’m just gonna ask you why you didn’t wait? You waited for the right man the first time. Why didn’t you wait for the right man again?” He said after a moment, finally taking a drink of his lemonade.

“He didn’t come.”

“I’m here.”

“You’re late.” Gwen rested her elbow on the table and her hair blocked them out from the rest of the patrons in the cafe. “You started being the man I wanted you to be after I found Gavin. After I found happiness again. I wasn’t giving up. My dad told me that the best thing I could do for you was to let you continue getting better. Everyone felt like I was your crutch.”

“You weren’t. You’re not.”

She shrugged. “All I know is that you’ve been sober for almost twenty-five years now. Something broke here must have fixed that.”

“Crazy how my heart had to suffer in order for my liver to get better.”

Gwen gave him a sad smile.

“Here you go. One slice of peach cobbler, two Belgian waffles, meat omelet, and another pineapple cream shake.” The waitress announced as she sat the food down on the table.

“I’ll go get Lilith.” Blake said, standing up. He pat her shoulder as he walked passed her and Gwen squeezed his hand briefly.

She waited to start eating, eyes transfixed on the game room. When Blake and Lilith were finally heading to the table, he was carrying her on his back. They were laughing and talking about something, bright smiles on their faces, and Gwen’s heart throbbed to see the two together. In those moments, in that light, she was the spitting image of him. Same blue eyes, same smile, same freckles, same ears.

The times like these where what got her through the turmoil, the pain of lying, and of the deceit. He still knows her. He loves her. He’s still in her life.

Everyone’s still fine.

 

&

 

“I just don’t want to.” 

“That’s bullshit.”

“Blake!”

“Sorry, bull crap.”

Lilith rolled her eyes. Gwen gave him a look before going back to her emails.

They were all sitting in Kingston’s dressing room, waiting for King and Apollo to be done with wardrobe and for the opening act to start. 

Blake and Lilith were sitting on the couch, writing and playing on the guitars Mark managed to steal for them from the show. Zuma and Leo were playing uno with some of the guys from the crew and the rest of the adults were sitting in the lounge area of the room with Gwen, who was actively listening to her friend and daughter’s conversation about the school showcase.

“What about it do you not want to do?” Blake asked her.

“I just don’t. Can we drop it please?”

“Apollo’s doing it.”

“So?”

“So you don’t need to be afraid.”

“I’m not.”

“All your brothers have done it and won in their age group.”

“Uncle Blake—”

“Look if you don’t want to that’s fine. I can live with that. But if you’re scared to, then I can’t live with that because you are too special to let fear dictate what you will or will not accomplish in life. You’re too talented, Lilipad. Come on, if it’s because you don’t have a good enough song written will write one together. Just like the song I was helping you with.”

Lilith shook her head. “Just forget it. Like literally let it go.”

“Sweetheart, I don’t let anything go lightly.”

“Blake.” Gwen spoke up. Lilith was just like him in that if she was pushed too far, she retreated indefinitely.

He put his hands up as if to show his surrender from the subject. He went back to showing her a riff on the guitar and Gwen sighed with relief. She could finally focus on her emails.

It was another hour before her boys were back in the room, but by the looks on their faces, Gwen knew something had gone wrong.

“What happened?” Todd asked.

“Daryl has food poisoning. So now we don’t have anyone to open for us.” Kingston said.

A collective groan could be heard around the room. The disappointment settling across all of her children’s faces was painful. If one of them failed, all of them failed. That’s how it’s always been in their family.

“Why can’t Mom or Uncle Blake open? Actually, why don’t you guys do the Blue Whale performance?” Zuma suggested.

Gwen felt sick and she could physically see Blake turn purple. She vowed she would never perform any of the Blue Whale songs ever again in her career.

They put on one intimate show for a select group of people that night, some strangers, almost all friends, and by the time it was over, Gwen wanted to jump out of her skin. She had ended up pinned to her dressing room wall by a very sweaty, very beautiful Blake. They hadn’t done anything, just breathed with one another for several minutes, looking into each other’s eyes as if that was the only thing keeping them from floating away. Her wedding ring had burned, and the need to be with him had set her on fire. She wanted to drop everything and run away with him and that was a dangerous thing. They could not do that show. Not after everything that had already happened since he’d been there.

“Guys, I know you’re disappointed but me and your mom can’t—”

“Are you scared?” Lilith cut him off. “Cause if you don’t want to, I’m sure they’ll understand but if you’re scared to…”

Gwen could have taken her daughter out of the world in that moment.

“Lilith that’s not it.” She told her.

“Then what is?” Apollo asked. He had such a hopeful look on his face that Gwen would be crushed with the guilt of it if she said no.

“Mom, it’s a great idea. Do you know how many people would freak out, out there if you guys came on stage and performed? Especially that set? It’d be gold.” Kingston tried to change her mind.

“Anybody concerned with the fact that I haven’t performed in over two years?”

“You sing all the time at home.” Lilith reminded her.

“That’s different.”

“Uncle Blake please.” Apollo pleaded. “Convince her.”

Blake looked over to her. She shook her head, eyes flamed with fear. “Give me a minute with your mom.” Her stomach dropped.

One by one, her family and friends filed out the room, some giving her encouraging squeezes on the arm as they passed, others whispering their encouragements.

When the room was empty, she let go.

“Absolutely not. There’s no way we can do it. You can sing, you can put on a show—”

“They don’t want me. That’s not my crowd out there and you know it.”

“What it’s our crowd?” She asked sarcastically.  

“Yes.”

She paused.

“Gwen, it’s either you alone up there or it’s me with you. Your choice. But your boys have been waiting a long time for this opportunity and if you can help them in anyway...I know deep down you want to do this for them. So do it.”

Gwen clawed at the skin of her hands as she wrung them out before her. “You know what happened last time.”

“Last time, we thought we had a shot together. It’s been almost thirty-five years. If we were gonna run away we would have done it by now. And besides, I’m old. I can’t run like I used to. We wouldn’t make it very far, I’m afraid.”

Gwen gave him a teary laugh. “You’re an ass.” 

“I know.” He grinned.

“What if I’m terrible now?” She asked, her voice seeming so tiny and fragile even to her own ears.

“Terrible and you don’t fit in the same sentence.”

“You have to say that.”

“No, I don’t. I don’t have to do a lot of things but I do them because I love you and those kids. So if you don’t stop crying and help me figure out this set list in three minutes—”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay, just be quiet. I can’t think.”

Blake smirked. “I’ll get a paper and pen.”

Gwen wiped her eyes and sat down on the couch with him, taking the offered pen. Their fingers brushed in that instance and it was all the comfort she needed to believe that she could do this.

That they could do this.

 

&

 

“Okay so Gwen will start with her cover of Madness, My Girl, and then I’ll take over with When I Get My Hands On You.” 

Gwen nodded down at the set list as Blake rattled the songs off.

“Instead of Artificial Sweetener, I want to replace it with Too Late. I want Thommy on piano for it.” She said.

“You want to strip it down?” Matt, the band leader, asked.

“Yeah. Just like at the Blue Whale. Start high then turn to the acoustics. By the end of Blake’s set I want the band gone and just me and Blake and his guitar.”

“You still want Dark Blue?” Blake asked, looking up at her from where he was sat on the ground next to an amp.

He swallowed harshly and Gwen mimicked him.

“I don’t want you to play guitar.” She answered him.

His eyes flashed but he knew what she was requesting was the best thing for them. He looked back down to the list and cleared his throat. “I’ll follow with Good Rain or Jesus to pick things up. Then we’ll lead right into Without You. That should set the tone for our duets. You good with that?”

She nodded.

“I think My Favorite Hurricane should start—”

“No, I thought I liked that there but I don’t.” Gwen interrupted. Everyone looked at her for more of an explanation or at least another suggestion. “I just—that’s one of our more sweet love songs. It should go near the end.”

“What do you want then?” Blake asked.

Gwen grabbed at the back of her neck, clutching it tightly. “I don’t know—I can’t think.” She was beginning to panic. “I can’t—”

Blake stood up and grabbed at her arms, pulling her back down to her center of gravity, to his it felt like too.

“Stop freakin’ out. You’re making me need a drink.”

Gwen’s eyes snapped to his. “That’s not funny. Don’t even joke like that.”

“Then relax and I won’t have to. How about we play Change Your Mind?”

Gwen shook her head immediately. “That’s one of your angry songs.”

“No it’s not.”

“Yes it is. Let’s do I Will Never Let You Know instead.”

“Oh, and that’s not one of your angry songs?”

“It’s not.”

“Yes it is.”

“Guys, I hate to interrupt but you’ve literally got five minutes to figure what show you’re putting on.” Matt kindly reminded them.

Blake sighed and let her go. “We’ll do both. Your song first than mine.”

Gwen didn’t have any time to protest so she remained quiet.

“Alright, then that’s settled. You guys will end it on My Favorite Hurricane and Sanctuary.” They both agreed in silence. Matt rubbed at his face in nerves. “Okay, let's get to it then.”

The small crowd that had gathered around them dispersed in the need to make sure everything was ready and set to go

Gwen chanced a look at her partner. Blake was staring down at his feet.

“Ten set.” She murmured quietly.

“We can do it.”

“I know we can do it. I know that. I just don’t know about after we do it. I can’t think about what after is gonna look like. I mean, my husband isn’t even here. I’m gonna sing these songs and Gavin isn’t even—”

“Whatever you think you need him for, you don’t.”

“Oh, don’t start that please. I don’t need you to start tonight.”

Blake stuffed his hands in pockets. “We’ll be fine.” She glared at him, ready to repeat herself a second time but he held his hand up to stop her. “After. We’ll be just fine after.”

She stood rooted in place at his words. She had never heard such confidence from him before.

“Hey guys, show in three. Gwen I need you to take your place.” Matt popped in from around the corner.

Gwen nodded. “Okay.” She tucked her hair behind her ears and then immediately moved them back over to cover them. She hated how they looked so big and out of place.

She started walking to the side stage but when she passed Blake he stopped her with a hand on her arm. She looked up at him as he brought a hand up to tuck her hair behind her ear again. “Go get em’ Dove.”

Her smile felt like it would crack into a million pieces. She did not want to fall apart in front of that audience. They’d take every part of her and since she’s only ever given herself to her husband and her kids, the parts that remained were too fragile, too private to be taken away so publicly. She knew she was saving them for something bigger than herself, bigger than everything she’s earned and sacrificed for. She was saving them for Blake. She knows that. She’s never admitted it to herself but she knew deep down it was the truth. And as he squeezed her hand for good luck before she went out on stage, she knew she’d end up giving them to him afterwards.

They wouldn’t be fine. She knew that too. But she grabbed the microphone anyway. She collected what was left of herself and when the cheering erupted...she let go.

She fell apart for the hundredth time for a man who had not put her back together, not even once.

Gwen didn’t even think the lights above her, in all there bright, and harsh-flashing glory could help her find all the pieces to what used to be her life. But she sang them away. Like a dove in the sky, they flew far and graciously above any crap she left for them down here.


	5. Fade

It’s important to have a good relationship with yourself when you become well known. People will say a lot of things, and it’s not that you’ll start to wonder if they’re true or not because you know deep down the truth, but it’s the fact that people are allowed to say them in the first place and you are painfully aware of listening to it all the time. But then they’re are times in your life, times in her life, that Gwen goes back to all those little truths and kernels she found along the way to remind her that she is where she’s supposed to be. She is still who she’s always been. 

Singing My Girl, by a band she’s loved since the moment she listened to their first album, Gwen was brought back to her roots. And it’s in those moments, that she performs that song, and others like it, that she feels the world hugging her tightly. Not to mention all the jumping around, the calls to the crowd and their insane roaring back. It was such a warm, rambunctious welcome they gave her as soon as she came out, and catching Whittey’s smirk and signature wink as she introduced herself, was like the icing on top of the cake. She was back. She felt like she  _ could _ come back.

Besides holding each one of her kids for the first time, it was the best feeling in the world. Looking to the side of the stage, Blake standing there, guitar hanging off one shoulder, a goofy smile plastered across his whole face, was the second.

When the song was almost over, the crowd’s energy all but matched her own, almost exceeded it. It was exhilarating, all the way up until the very end.

Her children were sitting down by Whittey, and she blew them all kisses before exiting the stage. She was sweaty already but that didn’t stop Blake from pulling her into a big hug as she met him. Gwen laughed into his chest and she felt his smile pressed into the side of her head.

“Thank you.” She murmured into his shirt. His arms tightened. “Knock ‘em dead cowboy.”

Blake kissed her temple and walked out on stage, never looking back once at her to seek confidence or gain encouragement. That’s how he was when he performed. Sure of himself, sure of his capabilities.

She watched as he introduced himself, the crowd shocked, surprised, and delighted as he sat down on the stool center stage. Gwen looked out to the thousands of faces all blurring together and knew the ones who had put two and two together, quickly. They knew what show they were putting on and they were even more excited to see Blake up there, knowing she would be too in just a little bit.

He introduced his first song after telling a joke she and the fans have heard a thousand times.

 

_ When I set my eyes on you _   
_ Gonna keep you out of town at night _   
_ When I set my eyes on you _   
_ Not gonna be outta my sight _

 

She smiled at the lyrics. They were intended to flatter her a long time ago. And as Blake looked to the side of the stage at her, he sang to her. 

 

_ And now you know _   
_ Everywhere on earth you go _ _   
_ _ You're gonna have me as your man _

 

No matter where she went, she was the only woman he ever stayed around long enough to give himself to completely.  

 

_ When I get my hands on you  _

_ Gonna make you carry me _

_ When I get my hands on you  _

_ Gonna make you make you marry me _

 

She grinned from ear to ear. Her eyes gazed around the audience during the duration of the song and she found Kingston looking at her. There was a small smile on his face but his eyes were piercing, like he was trying to figure something out while admiring something at the same time. She smiled at him, his grew bigger and that’s when he looked away.

 

_ When I come home to you  _

_ Gonna take you down to the riverside  _

_ When I come home to you _

_ Hold you in my arms all night  _

 

She smiled at him, oddly amused by his shameless admissions and musings all these years.

This time, when the song finished, Gwen was introduced back on stage by Blake. She gave him a brief hug and watched him move to her left, approximately three feet over and three feet back. It was so natural. It was almost as if playing beside her was more second nature than playing alone.

“You guys are amazing.” She praised the crowd. “So we were gonna...do more upbeat songs but…” She looked behind her at Blake. “Me and the Cowboy thought we’d bring some Blue Whale vibes to The Fountain, if that’s alright.”

The crowd screamed and waved their hands excitedly.

“I haven’t been up here in awhile so if I fuck up keep it to yourself, okay?”

She was met with screams again, fans making hearts with their hands, and phones out with the flash on. She looked to Blake again. His guitar was set aside and he was sat at the piano. The opening keys to “Too Late” began.

 

_ I just want to take you away from everyone _ __   
_ And keep you stashed under my pillow _ __   
_ And then I'd take you out simply for my own pleasure _   
_ And wear you when the occasion's special _   
__ Then I'd put you on like a diamond so I can sparkle and be the envy of my friends

 

She chanced a look back at Blake. The violins, paired with the piano, and her lyrics, painted a perfect picture of her friend. 

 

_ It’s too late now _

_ I don’t think it can fade _

_ It’s too real now  _

_ Fullfilment just adds fuel to the blaze _

 

She wrote it on a napkin, she remembered. Blake was at the bar, laughing and drinking with a couple of guys and girls he’d just met. He could make anyone love him, she remembered that too. And she was so in love with him in that moment. Naive and in love. The two didn’t go together and yet there were never two things that were ever more perfectly matched. 

 

_ Compulsion has stained me _   
_ I'm nervously cradling our young love _   
_ Without known limits love _   
_ Like a butterfly cupped in my hands _   
_ I peek in to see beauty trapped _

 

Looking out, Gwen was reminded of how much she missed the millions of faces that used to sing her songs back to her every night. 

 

_ Confined it flutters _ __   
_ Then it leaves behind colorful dust _   
_ To remind me of the special times we've spent _   
_ But of course it has to leave my clutch _   
__ But enough's never enough to make a dent

 

Gwen closed her eyes as she sang and stopped singing when she reached the chorus again. The fans didn’t miss a beat and continued on without her. The music started to fade near the end of the song and she opened her eyes, looked to Blake, and saw him mouthing the words down as he touched each key. 

 

_ And in time it will end _   
_ And there really isn't hope for the two of us _   
_ But right now I give in _

 

She didn’t think anything between them could ever end, but she knew things could fade. 

 

_ Fulfillment just adds fuel to the  _ _   
_ _ Fulfillment just adds fuel to the blaze _

 

Applause and cheers erupted and Gwen didn’t think she could ever tire of that sound. Gavin had described it as noise once, a long time ago, at a concert up in Ontario. She didn’t know why it stuck with her but it did. They weren’t making noise to her, it was the sweet, sweet sound of people connecting with each other and feeling the exact same thing in the exact same moment. In a way, it was like music to her ears, too.

“You guys are crazy.” Gwen said to the crowd. She heard a couple “I love you’s” after which she responded to. “One more?”

Their screams and smiles were intoxicating. Gwen turned to the band and nodded her head, watching as Blake left the stage like she requested.

Dark Blue was written about Blake in a time where Gwen wasn’t in such a good place. He had just went to rehab for the first time and it lasted a month before Blake fell off the wagon again. She was devastated and scared and quite frankly, relieved. As crazy as it sounded, sober Blake was something she was not used to, let alone really ever saw. It was almost familiar the way his breath always smelled of gum and vodka. Even his fits of rage felt like routine. It was toxic thinking but it was the way it was. And when Blake passed out on the tour bus floor in Oakland, Gwen got the inspiration to write the song that would become her greatest horror to sing live. Thomas had found her in the back bedroom, frustrated and sad. So, he helped her with the lyrics and the music. He also helped her pick up Blake from off the floor and put him in bed after.

She didn’t look to the side stage where she knew Blake would be as the song started. She let the music play and her words come out.

 

_ I'm tired from _ __   
_ Exploring you  _ __   
_ I'm sorry you've had some scary days  _ __   
_ I'm lucky, they had me on a leash  _ _   
_ __ Exposing, sometimes you frighten me

 

Gwen had been so tired of getting to know a person that had only ever really experienced the bad parts of life. It had been too new for Gwen. Still is sometimes. Her life hadn’t been that rough, if not at all. It felt like at times like she was in fact on a leash and Blake had grew up wild, running through woods and forest and not coming home until well after dark. Gwen watched the sunset from her bedroom window every night. 

 

_ And it's too bad you're so sad  _ _   
_ _ I wish you could have had what I had _

 

She wished it a million times, and prayed on it a million more that Blake could have had the life she did, that he would have it as the years went by.

 

_ I'm loathing most of your history  _ __   
_ Hesitation, but then you siphon me  _ __   
_ Your potential, well I'll indulge in that  _ _   
_ __ Violent timing explains the aftermath

 

This time, Gwen did look over to Blake. He was leaning against a pillar, facing the back of the stage, turned away from the crowd. His arms were folded and he was looking down at the floor. By the small movement of his head just slightly up and down told her that he was listening. He was fiddling with something in his right hand, twiddling with it through his fingers, and Gwen recognized it as one of his nervous ticks. It was his lucky guitar pick that he carried around everywhere. She couldn’t see his face, see what he was thinking, to confirm it for herself but she knew the performance made him nervous when he could only listen to her and not play along to distract himself from the contents of the song. Gwen was starting to second guess her decision to have him off guitar, entirely. 

 

_ I want to comfort you _

 

She sang to him. 

 

_ I want to comfort you.  _

 

She was almost begging for him to look over at her. 

 

_ I want to comfort you  _

 

He didn’t. 

 

_ Unlike you I had it easy  _ __   
_ You're dark blue  _ __   
_ Stained from previous days _ __   
  


She willed him to look over one last time but he never did. Only when the song was coming to an end, did his jaw flex and his eyes flickered over to the stage. 

 

_ And it's too bad you're so sad  _ _   
_ _ I wish you could have had what I had _

 

_ Maybe I can make you feel better _ _   
_ _ I'm sorry _

 

She met his eyes. They were soft, red, worn. 

 

_ I’m sorry _

 

He looked away as soon as the applause and the cheering started. She never did get used to people applauding her pain just because she had the nerve to share it with the rest of the world. 

Gwen took several bows, waving to the fans as she said her thank you’s and exited the stage. Blake was still where her gaze left him. When she approached him, he looked up and smiled.

“That was perfect.” He said.

Gwen felt like she was on uncertain footing. “Blake—”

“I mean it. And I’m fine so stop before you say anything else.”

He didn’t look fine. He looked anything but fine. In the distance, she could hear the crowd screaming for more. She blocked it out and pulled Blake to the side, further behind the curtains and the stage pillars. He went to pocket the pick but she took his hands in hers, grabbing the small item and holding it in the palm of her hand.

“Please don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not. I’m fine. I hadn’t heard it in awhile, that’s all.”

They lapsed into an almost companionable silence then, neither having anything to say, the words seemingly lost between them.

“You have to go out there now.” She said, eventually.

He looked past her and nodded. “Yeah.” His eyes remained fixed behind her smaller frame. “Someone finally showed up.” He tilted his head in the direction over her shoulder before letting her hands go. He walked past them both, brushing Gavin’s accusatory look off as he went. Gwen eyed her husband. He was well dressed, hair slicked back, and face calm. But Gwen knew her husband more than she knew herself. She knew everything about the way he looked, the way he stood, the way he smirked. He smelled of lemons. There was a faint pink lip stain on his neck where he missed washing off. It was almost invisible. And yet she saw it clearly. He slouched just a little under her gaze, just a fraction of an inch.

“You didn’t miss the boys.” She told him, voice not unkind. She was weak when she went through this the first time. She grew cold the second. Now, she was resigned, indifferent.

“Guess I missed something.” He said, alluding to her and Blake.

She presumed Blake was back on stage again, and Gwen had this horrible feeling that going back on there with him would not do her any good when she got home.

“Daryl is sick. They needed someone to open the show.”

“Guess you two were the obvious choice.”

“Don’t pick a fight with me right now. We’re singing together, not sleeping with each other. Although, if we were I guess it wouldn’t matter, right?”   

Gavin locked his jaw. “Gwen—”

She shook her head and effectively cut him off. She moved to walk past him. He grabbed her arm and Gwen wrenched free from his soiled hand.

“Don’t touch me. I don’t know where you’ve been lately but it’s not been with this family. And I don’t want to fight with you. We’re here for King and Apollo.” She stressed to him.

“It’s not like that this time.” 

She looked away from the sight of her husband. “I need to cheer Blake on right now.”

“Her name’s Alicia. She wants to stop sneaking around. She wants everything—”

Gwen’s eyes snapped to his. “Stop talking.”

“Gwen—”

“Stop. Talking.” She could barely see him with all the red clouding her vision. “You’re not leaving me. I took you back, twice. You begged me. You don’t get to leave me.” She couldn’t bare to look at him anymore.

“Gwen—” He turned after her and called again but stopped in his tracks just as she had.

Blake was standing there, just to the side of the folded curtain, looking at them with an unreadable expression on his face. His eyes maneuvered between her and him, before settling on her. “My pick.”

Gwen clutched the forgotten plastic immediately and handed it over to him. His grip was hard when he took it from her. He didn’t say another word as he turned back around and greeted the crowd once more.

“God damnit.” Gavin’s voice rang out.

Gwen’s eyes stung and she closed them tightly for just a second. She wanted to cry hot tears. She was ashamed of her husband and their marriage and herself most of all, and the fact that Blake knew that..how it was no longer just a sixth sense, an afterthought in the back of his head, that it was suddenly the honest to God truth—she wanted to scream.

She was dealing with it. Gwen had everything under control. When he started coming home extremely late, she knew it had started again, and she made sure to not wait up for him just to see what time he did manage to make it home. When he was too eager to go out drinking with the band, she knew, and she went out with her sister-in-law and friends just to keep her mind off of who he could be getting drunk with. When he didn’t send a text letting her know he wouldn’t be there to kiss the kids goodnight, she knew, so she gave them extra to make up for it. She knew and she was dealing with it.

What she didn’t prepare herself to deal with was the prospect of him thinking he could leave her. She was the one who was supposed to walk away first. She wasn’t going to let some girl he thought he was going to turn into some trophy housewife take her out of her marriage. That was one thing she didn’t think she could deal with.

She felt a hesitant hand on her arm, which she shrugged off immediately. “Gavin, don’t. Just...stay over there, please.” He didn’t argue with her or try to touch her again.

Gwen all but blocked his presence out and instead focused strictly on Blake’s performance. His drinking was the only thing he ever let hinder his performing. Gwen never got close to affecting him on stage. Even at the Blue Whale, he waited until after they were safe in her dressing room to strip her with just his eyes, and convey a thousand emotions through them at the same time.

The intro to “Good Rain or Jesus” filled the entire venue. Gwen relaxed when she saw Blake smile at the crowd, a real smile.

 

_ Between steeples and the dirt _ __   
_ The wheat fields and the empty church _ __   
_ There's hard times just gettin' by _ __   
_ Better pray for a run of luck _ __   
_ Before the sun and my hopes get up _ _   
_ __ And I'm just tough enough to try

 

The amount of arms in the air swaying back and forth, the flashes making a sea of light, blew her away. It always did. She was always constantly surprised how the mood shifted at one of their concerts when Blake sang one of his more lesser known songs. The songs that could have went number one but he refused to make a single because he liked for them to stay private for just a little while until he performed them once every thirty concert dates. It drove her mad but it also made for great shows and great memories.

 

_ Well it's been dry like the county line _ __   
_ It seems like anything moving is leavin' town _ __   
_ Now I'm all alone hoping she'll come home _ _   
_ __ It's like waitin' on good rain or Jesus to come down

 

She could only assume he wrote it sometime while he finally got and stayed sober. She imagined how alone he must’ve felt while she was embarking on a new chapter in her life with a new husband and kid on the way. 

 

_ I said something's gotta change _ __   
_ So they widened up the old two-lane _ __   
_ Just the same she's gone _ __   
_ It might take an act of God _ __   
_ But I'm bettin' everything I've got _ __   
_ She'll turn around and come home _ __   
  


Gwen looked to her kids. Zuma was taking a video of Blake and turning around to get all the fans in the audience, as well. King and Apollo were singing along to the chorus. Lilith was swaying in Whittey’s arms as the two both smiled up at Blake.

 

_ So come on good rain _ __   
_ Come on Jesus _ _   
_ __ I'll make it okay

 

Blake happened to look her way and Gwen’s breath hitched. 

 

_ Cause tomorrow don't mean nothin' _ __   
_ If she's not here _ __   
_ She's everything _ _   
_ __ She's everything

 

He looked back to the crowd. 

 

_ Well it's been dry like the county line _ __   
_ It seems like anything moving is leavin' town _ __   
_ Now I'm all alone hoping she'll come home _ __   
_ It's like waitin' on good rain or Jesus to come down _ __   
_ It's like waitin' on good rain or Jesus to come down _ __   
  


The music was loud and the band full of energy. Blake continued to sing his heart out. 

 

_ Well come on down _ __   
_ To the lonely town _ __   
  


Gwen found herself singing along quietly. 

 

_ I said come on down _ __   
_ Come on Jesus, come on down _ _   
_ __ Come on Jesus, come on down

 

Blake looked up at the open sky. 

 

_ Well come on down _ __   
_ Well come on down _ __   
_ Well come on down _ _   
_ __ This lonely town

 

He turned slightly to her side of the stage as he sang the last lines.

 

_ Waitin' on good rain, good rain _ __   
_ A whole lotta good rain, good rain _ __   
_ Waitin' on Jesus to come on down _ __   
  


The cheers didn’t erupt because they were already clapping and screaming before the song finished. Blake thanked one of the venue assistants as they handed him his BS cup a second later and took a couple of sips before handing it back. He wiped the sweat from off his neck and forehead. 

Blake walked over to Matt and told him something in his ear which Matt then relayed to the rest of the band. Blake then addressed the crowd after he got them to settle down.

“I’m gonna play a song I’ve never done before live...actually ever.” This got him a handful of eager screams. Gwen was confused because he’d sung “Without You” plenty of times. “This one is for a good friend of mine. I hope she hears every word.”

He looked over to her briefly before the song’s intro began.

 

_ You don't wrong a heart, of a woman that loves you _ __   
_ You don't turn your back on her tears _ _   
_ __ The arms you leave lonely, won't wait forever 

_ You know what? _ _   
_ _ That's why I'm here _

 

Gwen felt the air leave her lungs altogether. 

 

_ Cause I worship the woman you walked on _ __   
_ I hold her at night, 'til she's satisfied _ __   
_ I try to right all you did wrong _ _   
_ __ I worship the woman you walked on

 

She felt Gavin come closer until he stood by her side. He was watching with as much disbelief as she was. 

 

_ I've met the wrongs-haunt-you, the should-haves, the want-tos _ __   
_ Are ghosts now in your empty bed _ __   
_ You gave up her soft touch, turned your back on her sweet love _ __   
_ You must have, been out of your head _ __   
  


Blake looked over to her and there was no mistake who he was looking at as he didn’t look away. She had to look over to her children and regretted the moment she did. Kingston’s piercing gaze was on her again, and so was Apollo’s but for a different reason. Zuma was still recording but his eyes were narrowed and more focused on Blake as he sang to her. Lilith was still standing in Whittey’s arms but she was oblivious. Whittey was not and his knowing stare made her want to sink into the ground. Even some of the fans in the front row could see who and where Blake was looking at. The rest waved their arms in the air along to the beautiful melody. 

 

_ Oh, I worship the woman you walked on _ __   
_ I hold her at night, 'til she's satisfied _ __   
_ Oh, I try to right all you did wrong _ _   
_ __ I worship the woman you walked on

 

Once upon a time she willed him to look her way and now she couldn’t wish for the opposite any more than she was. And when his gaze finally did leave her, it moved to Gavin’s. 

 

_ Oh, I worship the woman you walked on _ __   
_ I hold her at night, 'til she's satisfied _ __   
_ I try to right all you did wrong _ _   
_ __ I worship the woman you walked on

 

_ Oh, I worship the woman you walked on _

 

_ You don't wrong a heart, of a woman that loves you _ __   
_ You don't turn your back on her tears _ __   
  


The melody faded out and the audience cheered him on. 

Gwen wanted to throw up. Between her husband and Blake, she felt sick enough to drop everything and hide away from it all.

Blake had thanked the crowd and started to exit the stage. Just like anytime in their lives when they had to deal with something catastrophic, they only had approximately eight minutes before the fans’ cheers for an encore got to be too much and they would have to come out together and sing.

And as Blake drew near, she found herself wanting to not sing with him more and more. She felt Gavin grow more angry and tense by her side. His physical appearance displayed what she was feeling inside.

“You got some nerve.” He told Blake as the younger man stopped before them. He didn’t seem concerned with what he just did, not in the least bothered.

“You’re one to talk.” Blake bit back.

“It’s none of your business.”

“Gavin, please go down and sit with the kids.” Gwen told him, and the edge in her voice held no room for argument.

Gavin wanted to punch Blake. She could see it in the way he balled his fists and stared hard at him but he walked to the backside of the drawn curtain and made his way over to their children before he could do anything stupid—anything more stupid.

Gwen turned her attention back to Blake. She couldn’t even find the words as she looked into his impossibly blue eyes. She was angry, and upset, but most of all, she was scared.

“What were you thinking?” She asked him.

He rubbed a hand over his forehead. “That you needed to hear it. And I couldn’t think of a better time.”

“Did you really think that was a good idea? Right now? Here?”

“Not exactly—”

“Then why? In front of the kids Blake…” Her voice cracked. 

Blake’s cool demeanor was wiped clean and he hunched in on himself. “I’m sorry.”

“What is wrong with you?”

He tensed up at that. “Don’t do that. Don’t piss me off right now with that.”

“You’re pissed off? That’s my family out there. That’s my reputation on the line. What is wrong with you?” She almost screamed at him, growing angrier by the second.

“What is wrong with me? You’re the one kidding yourself.” 

“Might be. But I didn’t put myself on display for everyone to pick and prod apart out there. You did that. You put me in this position where I have to explain to my kids what you were thinking playing that song. I just don’t get it. Is this payback for the kiss, is that it?”

“No. God, you are so frustrating sometimes.” He ran a hand through his wet curls. “Gwen, I thought we could do it. I thought we could play those songs and hear those lyrics after all this time. And I wasn’t naive to think that we were gonna feel nothing because that’s not how this works. But thirty five years...thirty five and I still feel everything. From the moment I saw you, that’s how I feel, everyday.”

Gwen was taken back. The amount of passion and longing that was coming off him in waves was unsettling, and unexpected.  

“I was gonna do more than push you up against a wall this time, Gwen. I was gonna do more and you were gonna let me.” She visibly flinched. “You know it and I know it. The only way we can get off that stage alive, is if you’re thinking about cutting my head off more than you’re thinking about sticking your tongue down my throat.”

Gwen faltered. “...You don’t get to make those decisions for us.”

“What can I make then? What can I have? Where do you want me? What do you want to do with me? Cause I’ll tell you what I want—what I’ve always wanted. You, Gwen. I want you.” She shook her head at his words. “Do you know what I want to do to you?” 

“Stop. I can’t.” She was silently crying now, her voice breaking in the worst way.

“I ignored you, I know. I fought with you. I screamed at you. I made you worry, and I made you scared. He took a deep breath. “I hit you.” It was the first time he said it out loud. It was an accident, truly, but they never talked about it because he barely remembered it the next morning. “I let you down. I disappointed you more times than I made you proud. But you are the only woman I have ever loved. I don’t see anyone but you. I never cheated, Gwen. I never made you feel like you were half the woman I know you to be. I never took you for granted. I took your patience and your kindness and your love for granted but not you. He doesn’t see you....I see you.”

“That is me.” She finally yelled at him, feeling she was going to burst into a million pieces. “That’s me. My patience, and my kindness, and my love. That’s all of me. You did take me for granted.”

He pinched his nose. “Fine. But I’ll be damned if I stand here and let another man do that to you again. I’m not gonna watch him destroy you like last time.”

“He didn’t destroy me. You had that privilege. Gavin reminded me what it felt like to be broken that’s all. He didn’t break me. He didn’t pick up my pieces. I did that. After you, I did it all on my own.”

“I’m sorry. Okay, I’m sorry, Gwen.”

“I don’t want to hear sorry. I don’t want to hear it from you or him or anybody.”

“Then what do you wanna hear?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes you do.”

“I don’t want to hear anything, Blake. I’m tired—I’m—You don’t even know how messed up everything is.”

“Maybe, I don’t. Tell me then. What’s so messed up that can’t be fixed?”

She shook her head, already leading herself down a path she promised Gavin she’d never go.

“I can’t.”

Blake sighed. “Gwen, you know you can tell me everything. Or you can tell me nothing at all. But you can’t tell me that you don’t want me. You can’t tell me that this thing we got, doesn’t keep you up at night. You can’t tell me you don’t think about giving in.”

“Of course I do. But I gave that up. I gave us up.”

“For what?”

“For stability! For a piece of mind at night! For you to still be here instead of in the ground somewhere….I know you don’t understand why I did what I did. Why I still do it. But I can’t—I can’t go down that rabbit hole with you. We tried. And it didn’t work.”

“We didn’t try with me sober.”

“Blake—”

“Gwen? Blake?”

The pair turned to see Matt peeking his head around the corner. He was flushed, clearly having heard some parts of their conversation. “We need you both on.”

Blake huffed and looked up at the tent ceiling, hands on his hips. “Incredible.” He whispered. “Give us a minute.” He told Matt.

“We don’t need a minute.” She looked at him, promptly.

Blake’s lips parted but she followed Matt out, walking out on stage for the last time that night. She didn’t worry whether Blake would follow her, he always did, and in some ways, that was the problem. When she settled into the stool right next to his, not a minute later he was there by her side.

Blake strapped on his guitar, plucking away the first chords to “Change Your Mind.”

She laid a hand on his wrist, stopping his playing. He looked over to her. She leaned in to murmur into his ear so that she could be heard more easily.

“Sometimes I do wish I would have faded into you.”

She drew back, waiting for recognition to cross his face. It had a double meaning—her words. She saw him grasp the first one, alluding to their little quarrel just then. But when he got her second implication, he strummed an entire new melody.

He looked at her as he began to sing.

 

_ If you were the ocean and I was the sun _ __   
_ If the day made me heavy and gravity won _ __   
_ If I was the red and you were the blue _ _   
_ __ I could just fade into you

 

She found herself impossibly trapped in his gaze. Like she was out in the ocean with no lifeboat or jacket. 

 

_ If you were a window and I was the rain _ __   
_ I’d pour myself out and wash off the pain _ __   
_ I’d fall like a tear so your light could shine through _ __   
_ Then I’d just fade into you _ __   
  


Their voices mixed together and Gwen couldn’t even hear one scream from the crowd. It was almost scarily silent. 

 

_ In your heart in your head in your _ __   
_ Arms in your bed under your skin _ __   
  


_ Til there’s no way to know where _ __   
_ You end and where I begin _ __   
  


They couldn’t bring themselves to smile at each other but she saw the glint in his eyes. He was right and it made her want to pull her hair out. She forgot about murdering him and instead only thought about holding him close so he could have her in every way possible. 

He took over the third verse with vigor.

 

_ If I was a shadow and you were a street _ __   
_ The cobblestone midnight is where _ __   
_ We first meet _ __   
_ Til the lights flickered out, we _ __   
_ Dance with the moon _ __   
_ Then I’d just fade into you _ __   
  


She joined him. 

 

_ In your heart in your head in your _ __   
_ Arms in your bed under your skin _ __   
_ Til there’s no way to know where _ _   
_ __ You end and where I begin

 

_ I wanna melt in I wanna soak through _ __   
_ I only wanna move when you move _ __   
  


She stopped singing and shuddered as he took over, leaning in closer to her as he did. 

 

_ I wanna breathe out when you _ __   
_ Breathe in then I wanna fade into you _ __   
  


Gwen enjoyed the way he let her take on the softest part of the song. 

 

_ If I was just ashes and you were _ __   
_ The ground _ __   
_ And under your willow they laid me _ __   
_ Down _ __   
  


He merged their voices once again. 

 

_ There’ll be no trace that one was _ __   
_ Once two _ _   
_ __ After I fade into you

 

They stared at one another. She felt her troubles fading with his. She felt his desires fading into hers. Blake licked his lips and hers parted on instinct. 

 

_ Then I’d just fade into you _ __   
  


Gwen bit her lip when the song ended. She could no longer hear the crowd. They were background to her and all she could focus on was Blake and the way he made her feel like every song they’d written and performed together was something she could never out do. She had poured herself out time and time again and she couldn’t do any better than this. This right here with him. 

Blake stood up and Gwen snapped out of her fog. She stood beside him and they both bowed together. Matt came up to inquire about the rest of the set and she shook her head. She did not want to sing another song that night.

Blake took on the honors of introducing the boys, who had already begun to move to the stage from the audience. Gwen quietly left the spotlight and let the men do the rest.

She took solace in King’s bedroom. Leaning with her back against the wall, she felt like flying and crashing at the same time.

When the door opened fifteen minutes later, Gwen half expected it to be Gavin, or one of her family members, but it was Blake.

His eyes found her immediately. His face shifted and he closed the door softly. Gwen wrapped her arms around herself, waiting for the next moment.

He walked forward slowly, stopping halfway. Gwen stared.

“I don’t do this.”

Blake seemed surprised to hear her speak at all. He tilted his head in question.

“Give in. I don’t give in. Thirty five years and the only reason I’m letting you touch me now is because my husband won’t. Because I’m going crazy out of mind wondering why I’m not enough to him but I am to you. And because I—”

Blake drew closer. Each step had her backing up into the wall even more. She had nowhere to go. She couldn’t get any farther away from him. When he finally stood in front of her, his hands came up to run her shirt up from her sides. “Because you what?”

Gwen watched his eyes move from her face to her exposed stomach. His breath became heavier.

“Because I…” His head moved forward to press into her neck, his lips a soft surprise against her sensitive skin. He pushed her gently against the wall with his whole body. Gwen gasped.

“Because what?” He asked her again. His hands moved to her waistline and he started to undo the button and zipper of her jeans, dragging them down over her ass and thighs before she couldn’t take it anymore and pushed them down herself until they pooled around her ankles. She stepped out of them, all while Blake’s mouth sucked a bruise into the skin over her jugular. She had half a mind to make him stop before it left one permanently.

Before she could, he pulled away. “Because what, Gwen?”

“Because I want you.”

He ripped her panties to the side and Gwen flushed with arousal. Blake kissed her soundly, their harsh intake of breath echoing in the silence. In the distance, she could hear her sons’ songs being played.

Blake unbuckled his belt and pushed his jeans and underwear halfway down his thighs, tongue still in her mouth, running over her teeth. She sucked on it and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, her legs around his back. Blake caught her and held her in his arms against the wall.

Gwen clung to him. Blake left her mouth to attach onto her neck again. Their bodies rocked in unison, and Gwen clutched the back of Blake’s head, pulling him even closer.

Suddenly, Blake’s hot breath was on her neck, her legs were tight around him, his palms digging into the soft flesh of her thighs and ass, her heart practically beating out of her chest, tangled in Blake’s arms, their motion giving Gwen enough friction to float on the edge of bliss.

He should have worn a condom.

They should have never started this in the first place. And with each leisurely thrust, their soft exhalations of breath and quiet deep moans thrummed through the room, every noise, every taste, every touch a haze around them, she forgot more and more why they shouldn’t be doing what they were doing. The only clarity came with Blake peeling from her neck to gaze at her as he ripped her apart. Blake’s eyes were peace and passion, lust and amazement. And when he dipped down one last time to capture Gwen’s lips in his, working his mouth along her jaw, hot breath in her ear and then a whisper of an I love you... so much, it all sent Gwen over the edge, her head thrown back, a high, whimper filling the room, her nails digging into Blake’s clothed back as the tension rapturously uncoiled from her body.

Blake only thrust harder as she disappeared into the ecstasy, her lips parting allowing the most musical of sounds to cry out, her eyes bright and full in delirious passion, her neck exposed and taut, all blended together into the perfect image. It’s what made Blake pound into her more forcefully, chasing his own ecstasy as it came crashing down on him.

He scooped Gwen closer, filling her, holding her, rocking together wordless and wrecked, not knowing if he could ever let go again.

Gwen loosened her grip, sinking her fingers into Blake’s curls, damp and cool to her touch. She scratched her fingers against the warm scalp. Blake kissed and suckled at the crook of her neck, working his way up her jaw. She hooked her ankles more tightly when she felt Blake moving to shift away, knowing she would come to her senses at any moment and push him away.

“No. Keep moving.”

“Gwen—”

“He’s leaving me. Don’t leave me, not yet.”

Blake kissed at whatever skin he could find, breathing in the salty mix of perfume and sweat, sex and her. “I don’t know how lo—”

“I don’t care.” She held on tight, her small palm cupping Blake’s ass, pushing him in again and again, closing her eyes with each slow, deliberate, dragging thrust.

And Blake did as long as he could, slow strokes, soft breath exchanging in loose-lipped kisses. Finally, he shifted back half an inch, brushing the matted bangs from his brow and giving her two more quick thrusts, slipping out with a kiss, and setting her down on the floor gently.

Her legs shook. Gwen had come to her senses then. But all she could focus on was him. His body. His warm breath. His tender, firm touch.

He pulled his jeans back up and tucked himself in. Gwen followed suit and winced at the evidence of their affair between her legs. She could feel him. She could feel him and she remembered the last time she could feel him too. And what consequences came after.

“Blake—”

He put a hand up. She stopped talking and watched as he looked up and down her body. He shook his head but walked forward to her until she was pressed up against the wall again.

Her breath shuddered when Blake wrapped his arms around her back and tightened his hold.

“I don’t expect you to leave him.” He admitted.

Gwen’s tears dropped silently down her face, all of a sudden. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.” Blake kissed her forehead. She could feel the pain in his kiss.  

“I didn’t want to come back.”

Blake paused a beat and pulled back trying to make eye contact, but Gwen had her eyes closed.

“Come back?”

“From where you always take me.”

Blake sighed, resting their foreheads together. “Dove, we don’t have to come back.”

“We already have.”

It was the finality in which she said it that made her wipe her tears. Blake leaned his hand against the wall above her head.

“I need to let you go.” She murmured, craning her neck back to look him straight in the eyes.

“Then why don’t you?”

“Because...Music and you. There’s no difference. I thought there was but I was wrong.”

Blake hung his head down. She knew it was one of the worst things she could say to him.

He stood up and breathe in. His right hand coming up to caress her face, down her stained cheek, and along the edge of her jaw. He smiled and she was so preoccupied with the caresses he was allotting to her ear next and then neck, she did not notice the actions of his other hand until it touched at her lower stomach just beneath the shirt and it traveled down from there, sliding down the tight, stiff material of her jeans.

When his fingers brushed her down there, she jerked but he grabbed the back of her neck firmly preventing the eventual retreat. She stood between his legs, leaned into him, one hand on his chest, the other clutching his shirt to steady herself as he slid his fingers beneath the soft material of her underwear and with practiced ease found the slit, all the time looking at her attentively.

She looked back into his clear blue eye as his fingers moved in her. Her lips parted but no sound came out. She could not believe he was trying to have her again and yet she knew it had been almost fifteen years since the last time. He wanted her. In every way possible, he wanted her. And since she practically just told him that he could not have her in the ways her husband does, he’s taking what he can get from her now.

The hand from around her neck moved to grab her shirt. Gwen for a second hoped he’d just tear it like he did her panties but they had to remain discreet. No trace of their trysts could leave this room.

“Take it off.” He said, letting her go and unbuttoning his own shirt.

Gwen lifted the fabric from over her head, moving a few steps away to give them space to undress properly. She left her bra and tattered panties on. He left everything on.

Before she was even finished, however, he was on her. Strong hands grasped her waist, his hands turning her around, his body pressing from behind. She didn’t cry out in surprise, she didn’t utter any noise. He made her lean against the wall, back arched, hands against the cool infrastructure. He rolled up her underwear and pulled it to the side.

She breathed shallower, and held her breath this time when he breached her. She gasped, her head fell down. He was still wearing all of his clothes, his shirt the only thing unbuttoned. She could feel the smooth material of the cotton on her bare ass and upper thighs, but she felt skin when he leaned over her back and pressed his chest to her. He kissed her chastely underneath her shoulder blade and took her from behind, not gently. She heard his harsh breath over the rush of blood in her own ears.

He reached with one hand to her head again, but instead of touching her ear this time he slid his palm under her neck, where the aorta pulsed frantically like a butterfly; and tilted her head slightly up. A tiny shiver of fear rolled through her, because she loved it when he pushed his love aside for her and took what she was willing to give. He was quiet. Determined. Selfish enough in this moment to take her breath away. And right now she was aware of just how much she needed the air when each of his powerful thrust pushed the breath from her lungs.

That was when they heard a raised voice in the hallway just behind the door. They froze in their position, Gwen plastered against the wall, Blake behind her,  _ inside _ her, leaned over her slim body.

As the voice continued, drawing closer, Blake swiftly pulled out of her and donned his jeans hastily, buttoning up his shirt quickly. Gwen had more to do and when the door swung open, she hid behind Blake’s larger frame.

Whittey was standing in the door frame, his phone up to his ear. He stopped at the sight before him. Whittey told the person on the phone that he needed to go and hung up a minute later. He still eyed them as he shut the door.

Gwen quietly slipped her shirt back on.

Blake and their former mentor were having a staring match.

“Tell me you too aren’t fucking like rabbits in here while your kids and nephews are out there playing their first Fountain show.”

Gwen was mortified.

“Whittey.” Blake warned.

“Jesus. Under different circumstances I’d be jumping with joy. It would mean you too were preparing to write another hit record but it’s not different circumstances, and your married.” He looked at her as she finally came from around Blake.

“Please, Whittey. We know. It was stupid and we messed up and I don’t even know—”

She saw Blake flinch.

“It’s really not anyone’s business.” Blake defended.

Whittey shook his head at him, still not able to wrap his head around seeing them together. And she knew to an outsider that it wouldn’t make any sense. They didn’t know about Gavin, or Blake’s confession, or her torn and indecisive mind.

“Please, can we just not talk about it.” She begged him.

Whittey’s eyes softened. “You two are lucky it was me that walked in. Gavin is on his way back. I told him I’d try and find you guys first.”

Blake grew aggravated. “I should go.”

He didn’t spare her a look as he walked to the door, but Whittey stopped him with a hand on his arm. Blake looked down at the older man. Whittey had been like a father to him when his own died. That was when her own father couldn’t be, as well.  

“We’re gonna talk later.” He told Blake.

Blake didn’t have it in him to argue, so he nodded. He pushed past Whittey’s grip only to come face to face with Gavin. The two men gave each other hostile looks.

“We were wondering where you two went.”

“They started writing a new song.” Whittey said. He pulled a paper out of his suit jacket and held it up. “Just gave me the first song off their new album their starting together.”

Gwen wanted to punch her mentor so bad in that moment.

“You’re writing with him?”

“You’re writing with Uncle Blake again?” Lilith came around the corner and into the room, tossing her jacket and herself on the couch. “That’s so cool.”

Gwen stared at Blake in panic.

“We wrote one song.” Blake lied. “That doesn’t mean we’re doing a whole album. Just be happy with the one Whittey.” Blake kept up the false pretense. “Come on, I don’t wanna miss the rest of the show.” He said, gesturing to the older man.

Lilith sprang to his side. “Zuma found an old gumball machine in one of the storage rooms.”

“Oh yeah? So you want money.” Blake stated, already knowing the answer.

Lilith smiled cheekily and held her hand out behind her as Blake dug around his back pocket for a dollar bill, handing it over to her as they left the room. The door was left half open but she didn’t care.

Gavin seemed to have calmed down when Blake said that they weren’t really writing together again for the purpose of an album. He looked over at her, probably not knowing what to say.

“Gwen—”

“What was all this for if you’re just gonna leave it behind for some girl who will leave you in a month?” She asked.

Gavin was taken back at her abruptness. “I love her.”

If Gwen thought she wasn’t going to be able to handle it, she was right. She was hurt.

“You’re so selfish. It’s one thing for you to notice other women, another to have sex with them, but to love them?”

“I know you’re upset. And hurt—”

“I slept with Blake.”

Gavin inhaled sharply through his nose. She felt the air in the room shift.

“What?”

“I won’t repeat it. Because I know you’re upset by it. And hurt—”

“Don’t throw that back in my face.”

Gwen scratched the inside of her palm. “Why is it so easy for you to be mad at me for the same thing you put me through?”

“You don’t get it. He’s Blake. He’s the first love. He’s the one that got away. He’s the tortured soul you’ve dedicated your life to saving. I don’t hold a candle to the massive flame you carry for him. I could never compete with that. I didn’t cheat on you with someone I’ve wanted for our entire marriage.”

“That’s not fair—”

“But it’s the truth. And the only reason we lasted this long was because I gave you something he couldn’t and never would—our kids. But you couldn’t even let me have that either.”

“You asked me to have an abortion Gavin.” She hissed. “I asked you if you wanted her and you said you’d loved her like she was your own after I told you I couldn’t get rid of it.”

“I do love her. That doesn’t mean I don’t resent the fact that she has his DNA.”

“You adopted her. You raised her. You’re her father. He has nothing to do with it.”

“Except he has everything to do with it, Gwen. As long as he’s in her life, I can’t really be her father.”

“That’s not what we agreed. I never tell him as long as he’s able to be involved in whatever she wants.”

“I don’t agree to that anymore.”

“Gavin.” She said exasperated. “I’m not having this discussion with you. You don’t know how hard it is to keep this from him every time he brings up anything pertaining to how much he’s changed as a man.”

Gavin pointed at her. “You see? That right there is why this all went to shit. You fucked him and left him and now you have this guilt weighing over your head, especially when it comes to our daughter. We might’ve still been in love if you had just learned to let him go.”

Gwen couldn’t believe his audacity. “You know Gavin...We might’ve still been in love if you were a better man.”

That slapped him across the face, and yet, she was the one to feel its ramifications. All these years thinking she had chosen the better man because he didn’t have an addiction or the tendency to break her heart over a million times, it came back to bite her in the end. And yet, she still didn’t want to give up twenty plus years of marriage and a life she helped build. That’s what they didn’t understand. It would have been all for nothing if they gave up now. Besides, they had their kids to think about. Their vows they promised to each other and God. Her parents would be so disappointed.

Gwen urged herself to take it back, and apologize but there was a noise by the door. Gavin and her both looked at each other until he went to go and check.

There was no one.

He turned back around to her. Now was her chance.

“Gavin—”

“We’re missing the boys.”

Gwen just stared at him, silent, her gaze unwavering. “I’m sorry.”

Gavin uneasily looked at her. “Me too.”

She wasn’t sure if that was the end or the beginning. But when they walked out of the room, they did it together.

And that was what kept her holding on to them. No matter what they’ve been through, Gavin had always been by her side. For every birthday, every concert, every birth, every failure. She couldn’t say the same for Blake. He missed things for the opportunity to get wasted. Even after he got sober, he was distant. He toured, he traveled, he locked himself up on his ranch in Oklahoma. He wasn’t always there.

He wasn’t always there.

If she kept telling herself it, maybe she wouldn’t still constantly be looking for flaws in the only statement that ever kept her from choosing Blake.

He wasn’t always there.


	6. Atomised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Four more chapters left I’m sad :( thanks to everyone who has been reading and commenting so far!

Gwen’s kids were nothing short of amazing. They were the spitting image of their mother up on stage, and Blake blinked more than once to get the image of his former lover and himself out of his head every time the boys would do something to remind him of times from the past. 

Like when King hung an arm across Apollo’s shoulder as the younger boy strummed lead guitar, Blake thought back to when Gwen would do the same. Her skin had been like wax. Sticky and sweet, sweat all around her, and his own mixing. She would smile at him and continue singing to the crowd.

Or when they played a slow song next and Apollo sat on the ground instead of a stool. Blake used to play entire sets on the ground in their earlier shows when they were first starting out. Gwen would always laugh at him as he struggled to get back up. When Apollo made eye contact with him, he winked and Blake grinned from ear to ear. It was a good feeling knowing he had at least influenced some part of their musical careers.

What was not a good feeling was seeing Kingston prefer drinking coffee instead of water in between songs. It brought Blake back to the many nights in hotel rooms and tour buses when the well-worn sheets of him and Gwen’s comforter felt so soft against their drowsy limbs, the pillow still cool on the other side as he woke up in the middle of the night to see Gwen sipping away at a hot cup of coffee. It would be four in the morning and she would be up writing. When she would finally notice him awake, watching her, she would set her things aside, stretch, turn around, and curl up again, dragging his heavy arm around her. Her body against him was safe as sunlight, cosy and warm. The night saturated with the smell of fresh coffee the only thing to lull him back to sleep.

The memory hurt but as much as they reminded him of everything he didn’t have anymore, they also reminded him of everything he and Gwen were able to accomplish, even at such a young age.

Whittey made the comparison as well because he snapped a photo of the boys on stage and sent an email to whoever he was in contact with these days to recruit new artists. Blake looked away from the older man’s phone before he was caught looking.

Lilith stirred slightly behind him and Blake would have forgotten that he was holding her if it wasn’t for the pain in his lower back. She was uncharacteristically quiet throughout the performance. He almost thought she had fallen asleep. The fact that she wasn’t more enthusiastic or talking was cause for concern. And when she had asked to be picked up so that she could see the stage better, Blake knew something was up.

They had front row seats.

But he didn’t ask her what was wrong. He held her the entire time and didn’t complain about how she wasn’t exactly a little girl anymore and his back wasn’t exactly what it used to be. 

“I know moving on was never in the picture but not moving  _ in  _ was something I thought would be pretty fair to ask of you.” Whittey leaned over to bagger him and Blake rolled his eyes. He should have known he couldn’t wait for the concert to end to start asking questions about him and Gwen.

“Fourteen years Whittey. And this time happened just like last time.” Blake replied, still focused on the kids.

“Last time they were separated.” Whittey retorted and Blake slowly turned his head to look at him with an expression of disbelief.

He nodded his head discreetly behind him to Lilith, who was resting her head on his shoulder, staring at the stage with tired eyes.

Whittey gave him a disapproving look but stopped the conversation.

Lilith shifted in his arms but settled back down. He couldn’t figure out if she was just exhausted or if she was starting to come down with something.

He felt her shiver and looked down at her bare arms that were wrapped around his neck. She had goosebumps.

“Lilith, I thought you went back to get your jacket?” He murmured close to her sullen face. “It was on the couch right?”

As soon as they were finished with the gumball machine, Lilith had suddenly remembered her forgotten jacket and raced back to the dressing room to retrieve it. Blake told her they would be down at the seats. When she came back and asked to be picked up right away, he hadn’t even noticed that it still wasn’t with her.

“I got lost.” She mumbled.

He made a face at that. “Well hold on.” He leaned down and set her on the ground, much to her dismay, and took off his own jacket he put on just after spending several minutes outside waiting for his niece to make her way back. The sweat from before had dried and cooled the skin.

Blake wrapped her up in his coat and ignored the way his back popped and groaned as he moved around her. She smiled gratefully at him and immediately moved to hop on his back again. Blake grit his teeth as she did but held onto her tightly.

Apollo and King finished their third song as soon as he saw Gwen and Gavin making their way over to them.

Gwen wasn’t smiling but she wasn’t frowning either.

Gavin was the same way but when he caught his eye, Gavin looked at Lilith and then Blake again. He didn’t let any emotion show as he looked to the stage. Blake continued staring, eyes drifting down to his and Gwen’s hands. They intertwined.

Blake’s eyes snapped up and ahead.

It shouldn’t hurt as much as it did. Even after telling her she could go back to him after what they did, he shouldn’t be feeling what he was.

But just like old habits die hard, so did old feelings.

  
  


&

 

Blake drove back to the elder Stefani home alone. Gwen’s parents couldn’t make it because of Dennis’ heart but they called to congratulate the boys on their first Fountain show. They invited everyone over for celebratory drinks and pie. Blake opted out of going but Apollo and Kingston insisted he celebrate with them. 

Arriving last allowed him to sneak in without any fuss and when he entered the sitting room, everyone had already started without him. Todd passed him a drink as he pat him on the back and Eric served him a big slice of Patti’s pie.

Blake sniffed his drink and confirmed the stench of champagne. He gently set the glass down on a nearby table and swallowed down the pie in four quick forkfuls.

It was after the initial excitement and adrenaline died down that Zuma connected his phone to the tv and had everyone watch the videos he took of the performance. Blake watched for a couple of minutes before he quietly crept into the kitchen. He was thirsty and searched around in the fridge for some lemonade. He only found a can of Diet Coke.

Blake shrugged and took the soda. He leaned against the kitchen counter and opened the lid. Diet was disgusting but it was between that or the flat water that tastes like acid.

“Can I ask you something?”

Blake startled. He looked over to see Gwen standing in the doorway. The kitchen had an old dutch door that was not connected to the outside, but instead, the foyer leading out to the sitting and dining room. Gwen walked all the way into the kitchen after closing both doors, bottom and top.

“Depends.”

She walked to the fridge and leaned against it, right across from him. “Why do men chase women?”

He figured she was asking because of Gavin. Blake only ever chased one woman in his life and he still hadn’t caught her.

“Why do you think?” He asked her instead of answering.

Gwen didn’t hesitate when she said, “Because they’re afraid.”

Blake set his coke down on the counter behind him. “Really? I went after you because I was scared?”

“I don’t know why you went after me. But the truth is, I think everyone’s afraid to end up alone. And I think guys especially are never satisfied. It’s like it’s this universal thing to think that we exist for you guys only so you run after me and her and the next girl that comes along because what you guys think you want and need can’t all possibly be in one woman even though at one point in time, it was. Why else do men chase women?”

“Maybe because they let us?”

Gwen was silent as she stared at him. Her eyes moved back and forth between his before she sighed. “It can’t be that simple. It can’t be that thoughtless. I’m going out of my mind here and the reason can’t be because I’ve allowed it.”

“You allowed him to cheat on you. Not twice but three times. You took him back.”

“For our kids.”

“Staying in a marriage out of obligation....that’s no way to live. That’s no way to love, Gwen.”

“You know so much about it. But you didn’t ever get married.”

“Because I allowed myself to love you even though I knew you’d never let yourself love me back in the way you did with him.”

“I did love you. When we were young all I could think about was how I was going to keep loving you enough to stay with me and get better. I do love you.”

“It must be nice.”

Gwen looked at him confused. “What?”

“To love someone. Who lets you break them more than once. Must be nice to allow yourself that luxury and know that it’ll never run out.”

“Blake—”

He put the conversation back on course, regretting getting off track in the first place. “Look, why do men ever do anything in life? No one's ever told us we can’t. No one's ever told us no.”

“You love me. Are you telling me the only reason you do is because no one's ever stopped you?”

“I like looking at you. I like talking to you, most days. I like writing with you and singing with you. I like loving you because you’re someone that appreciates it, even if you don’t like it. It’s because I like all those things and it’s because I’ve never liked anything else as half as much as I like you that I love you. Plenty of people, your Dad, your husband, Kurt, Deacon...they all told me to like anything but you. And I didn’t chase after you because I was scared or because I thought you existed to please me. I didn’t chase after you because no one told me not to. I went after you because...because I wanted to. And because you wanted me to. And because I’ve never liked wanting to up until I met you.”

That got her to shut up. Blake would have been smug if it wasn’t for the context of the situation and the fact that he kept peeling back his layers one by one to a woman whose only ever left them uncovered and vulnerable. Rain, dust, dirt, and a lifetime of debris have gotten in because of her. But then again, he allowed it.

“Why couldn’t you have said these things back then?” Gwen finally said.

“Because you’re asking now.”

She shook her head and settled back against the fridge door again, relaxing as the minutes go by and they fail to say a million and one things to each other.

Blake took up his coke again. “I have to ask...about earlier. We didn’t—there’s no way—”

“I had my tubes tied after Lilith.”

He nodded, noticing how his body didn’t even flinch at the information. He gave up having kids with Gwen the moment Apollo was born. She was fighting with Gavin then too. Next thing he knew Apollo was on his way. Blake’s glad their pattern of having kids to stay in their marriage was finally over.

“Okay.” He told her, recognizing that their time was coming to an end. It seemed like a lot was coming to an end.

Blake started for the door but Gwen called for him. He turned around.

“Lilith didn’t say anything the whole car ride home. She just wrote on a little scrap piece of paper the entire time. And she went upstairs as soon as we got here. Was she okay when you were with her?” She asked.

“She was quiet. I think maybe she’s tired or coming down with something.”

Gwen sighed. “Okay. Thanks.”

“I’ll check on her if you want.”

“You mean you don’t want to go back out there?” She half smiled, knowing the answer.

“I’ll take my chances with the moody fourteen year old.”

“Good luck.”

Blake smirked as he left the kitchen and made his way to the second floor. Lilith liked the back bedroom he remembered from countless games of hide and seek when she was younger.

The bedroom light was a soft glow and illuminated the hallway as light peeked out from behind the crack door. Dennis stowed a little Steinway in the guest bedroom and he could hear Lilith fiddling around with a melody. He also remembered the piano lessons he used to give her before Gavin got her a real instructor.

He opened the door to announce his presence at the same time she started playing again. But this time she sang along, the sound of the keys and her young voice blocking anything else out.

 

_ This _

_ This won’t be the last time that I fall for you _

_ Close  _

_ Never quite enough to make me feel the truth _

 

Blake stopped in his tracks. He had never really heard Lilith sing before. She was shy when it came to her voice. Less shy with her songwriting. But this was the first time he really heard her pour her heart into something. 

 

_ And space  _

_ Every inch and every day is occupied  _

_ Our shapes  _

_ That seem to disappear are multiplied  _

 

Lilith slumped over the keys as she played. 

 

_ Don’t let the anger rise  _

_ We separately cut these ties  _

 

Blake had never heard the song before. The maturity of the lyrics and the quality had him stunned. He wondered if she wrote it and if she did, how did she manage to make it sound completely different from the little love song she was currently working on to impress some boy from school. 

 

_ If only you had let me know  _

_ If only you had let me know  _

_ If only you had let me go _

_ We might have seen a different side  _

 

Blake entered the room fully and sat quietly down on the bed, thanking whatever deity that the mattress didn’t make any noise as he leaned over to set his pop down. 

 

_ Before we atomise  _

_ Before we atomise _

 

From this angle, Blake could see part of Lilith’s face as she sang. There was pain but that didn’t worry him. It was the tears that caught him off guard. 

 

_ Your face  _

_ Speaks a thousand words but you don’t say a thing  _

_ I brace  _

_ I brace myself i know the crash is imminent  _

 

_ Don’t let the anger rise  _

_ We separately cut these ties  _

 

_ If only you had let me know  _

_ If only you had let me know  _

_ If only you had let me go  _

_ We might have seen a different side  _

 

_ Before we atomise _

 

There’s a look people give you when you disappoint them. It’s in their eyes, and in their face. Hell, it's in their breath. The way it speeds up real quick and then just pilfers off. Like they have nothing left. Lilith, in that moment, reminded him of disappointment. The way it feels, the way it hurts, the way it makes you feel like you’ve been betrayed. She looked so hurt right there. She looked like her mother. 

 

_ So don’t speak  _

_ Of the answer  _

_ Just keep it in this room  _

_ You can tell me  _

_ The story  _

 

His phone ringing cut her song short. Blake fumbled for the device in his pocket as Lilith whipped around in her seat to glare at him. He silenced the ringer and flushed with embarrassment as she continued to stare angrily at him. She had been crying while singing and it was noticeable now that he could see her entire face. When she noticed him staring at her stained cheeks, she wiped at her eyes. 

“What are you doing up here?” She asked.

“Why are you crying?”

She turned back around to face the piano.

“Lil.”

“Just go away, please.”

Blake gave her a minute to collect herself before scooting to the other end of the bed, closer to her. He slowly grabbed the piece of paper from the piano till and carefully read her lyrics, hearing her sweet, sad voice singing them to him again.

“You wrote this?” Blake looked up at her when she didn’t answer right away. She was staring out the window. “This is good. This is really good.” She bit the inside of her cheek. “What’s it about?” He was tentative to ask but she was tentatively still listening to him.

Lilith finally looked at him. Her eyes travelled down to the song—her song—in his hand. “It’s about a girl.”

Blake set the paper aside and leaned his elbows down on his knees, focusing all of his attention on her. “Alright. Always a good start. Though, I thought you liked boys.”

She cracked a smile. “It’s about a girl and her family.”

“Ah okay.”

She picked at a loose thread on her pants. “This won’t be the last time that I fall for you as in, this isn’t the last time she’ll fall for their lies.”

Blake didn’t expect that but he nodded for her to continue.

“And she thinks that they’re close—her family and her. But apparently not close enough if they can’t tell her the truth.”

“Alright, I’ll admit. I’m lost. And I don’t know what atomise means.” He told her.

Lilith sighed. “In chemistry we learn about atoms and electrons and other stupid stuff like that. Atomise means to convert something into smaller units or particles. That’s how this girl feels. Like she’s being reduced to nothing when she was so sure of herself before. And now that she knows what she knows, she wishes her family would have told her...I could have had so much more if they would have just told the truth and let me go.”

Blake tried to keep up but when he thought she was talking about some other little girl, she referred to herself and threw him off. “Lilith...what’s wrong?”

“We have the same eyes.”

He was still confused.

“Your’s are more blue and mine are more grey.” She continued. “But when you’re angry, your’s are grey. When I’m happy, mine are the same blue you have now. Not to mention we have the same smile, same freckles, same ears—”

“Lilith, what are you talking about?”

“I heard Mom and Dad. At the concert. They were fighting and—you slept with mom. Fourteen years ago. She didn’t tell you about me because Dad made her promise she wouldn’t.”

Blake stared at her as if she had grown two heads. And the more he stared, the more he saw. The more he looked at her like she was his own instead of Gavin’s.

Same eyes. Same smile. Same freckles. Same ears.

Fourteen years ago. Soon to be fifteen.

“I think you might be my dad.” She breathed.

Blake continued to stare at her even after the words came out her mouth. She looked so much like Gwen that he never thought—no. She wasn’t his. Gwen wouldn’t do that to him. Zuma looked exactly like Gwen and he knew Gavin had a hand in creating him. Lilith was the same way. Her eyes were from her grandfather. She was not his. She was not.

Blake stood up. Lilith stared at him with wide eyes—his eyes—not knowing what he would say or do next.

“Uncle Blake?”

The use of his name snapped him back to the present. Uncle. He was her uncle. Always have been, always will be.

He ran a hand through his hair and looked madly about the room. He headed for the door, needing to get away from the implications that he was a father—her father.

He ignored her calls for him and headed down the stairs, feeling drunk all of a sudden. He made his way to the front door and managed to turn the door knob open with burning eyes.

He made it all the way to his car before he realized he couldn’t drive in that state. His heart was pounding too hard, his throat and eyes burning too much, his hands shaking too fast. He leaned against the driver’s side door and tried to take several deep breaths.

He took exactly seven and got into his truck, driving far away to God knows where.

The miles of road stretched beyond the horizon. He felt cold as the night air whipped through his windows. It felt like he drove for days, and when he was finished, he ended right back where he started.

After all, bar seats were always warm.

  
  


&

  
  


“You didn’t drink anything, did you?” 

Blake lifted his head from the counter, peeking through one eye as Kurt made his way over to him. “No.”

Kurt sighed and sat down next to him. “You scared me.”

“I know.”

“What the hell are you doing here?”

Blake put his head back down. “I just like the stench of piss and beer. Feels like home.”

Kurt snorted. “You like to torture yourself.”

“I want a drink. I want a drink badly.”

“Maybe you do. But you don’t want a drink more than you want twenty four years of sobriety to stay intact.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Then let’s get you home.”

“Where’s home? I’m practically living out of a suitcase. I can’t go back to Gwen’s and Jane sure as hell doesn’t want my fat ass on her couch again.”

Kurt laughed. “Jane likes cooking for your fat ass. You lie to her about how good the food is and eat anything she puts on your plate.”

“She’s ex military. I know not to fuck with her.”

Kurt shook his head and stood up. “Come on, Cowboy. We’re going home.”

Blake sighed and got up, tipping his head to the bartender for his troubles.

He only looked back once at the shelf of alcohol behind the bar. The fact that he managed to say no tonight was another small victory.

 

&

 

Blake and Kurt had started building a treehouse in his backyard three years ago. Jane had just found out she was pregnant and Kurt convinced him that every kid needed some place they could go to be by themselves and unwind. So Blake chopped the wood and Kurt bought the nails and they both set out one day and didn’t stop until dinner was ready. Of course they only got the base level done but it was a start. When Jane lost the baby a week later, the project was put on hold. Every now and then, when they came back together, they would build one part and leave the rest for another time in the hopes her and Kurt would get pregnant again. No luck since then but they weren’t giving up. And Blake knew he would be a Godfather to their kids too. Just like he was with Deacon and Rayna’s girls. 

“I’m gonna go get some ice tea. You want anything?” Kurt yelled over the power drill.

“Lemonade.” Blake called back.

He gave him a thumbs up and went inside. Blake went back to the power tool and the long piece of wood in his pile. The drill was so loud, even in the open space of the backyard that he could barely hear anything unless it was right next to him.

Like someone walking up behind him.

Someone like Gwen.

He did, however, feel her presence immediately—so immediately that he didn’t have time to prepare himself for seeing her again. He turned off the drill when she came into his line of sight and set it aside. He grabbed each piece he cut and walked it over to another pile, saying nothing as he did.

“Hi.”

Blake lifted his head in acknowledgement and said nothing, pretending to be enthralled with cut wood.

“You didn’t say goodbye yesterday. I just wanted to see how you were doing. I called Jane this morning to see if you were here. I’ve been talking in the kitchen with her for the last forty five minutes about Lilith’s party...You guys have been out here for awhile.”

He stayed silent, moving about the yard.

Gwen wasn’t deterred. “Lilith’s been quiet ever since the concert. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. Did you talk to her? Did she say anything?”

Blake shrugged. He went back to the construction table they set up for cutting and placed another long piece along the knife.

“You’re not even going to look at me?”

Blake took a breath and fixed his face firm, turning to aim his eyes at Gwen, because actually looking at her? Not an option. He’d crumble. “Not here. Not now.” And then he turned back to the wood.

“You sound just like her when I asked what was wrong.”

“That’s really funny.”

“Okay what is your problem?”

Blake looked up again, still not meeting her eyes. “Lilith heard you and Gavin fighting in the dressing room at The Fountain.”

“What?”

“She wants to know if I’m her father. Actually, she seems pretty convinced that I am. She overhead that Gavin wasn’t so you know she wants to know if I am.” He saw Gwen look away from him out of the corner of his eye. “I need you to tell me that….it’s not true. Tell me you haven’t been lying to me every moment of the last fifteen years.”

He glanced at her briefly and she slowly looked away, as if she had been the one to be punched in the gut.

Blake couldn’t believe his eyes. He looked away and up to the sky, letting out a deep, shaky breath.

“How’s it possible huh? You wanna start by telling me that?”

She braced herself. “That week.”

“No, that’s—We used protection. Every single time.”

“Not the night before I left.”

Blake shook his head. “That was once—”

“That’s all it takes. You should know that.”

Blake snapped his head to her, seeing red. “What does that have to do with you not telling me she was mine?”

Gwen cowered at his anger. “Try to remember, how you were—”

“I remember, Gwen. I got sober. I was sober when we made her.”

“I know. I know.” She stressed to him. “You did get sober. You stayed sober. But it took you four times in rehab—”

“Jesus christ, Gwen. When are you going to let that go?”

“You broke everything in the apartment. You hit me, you disappeared every other night—”

“You’re not answering my question here—”

“I am answering your question.”

Blake stopped and caught his breath, folding his arms over his chest.

“I found out I was pregnant...I told Gavin I spent the week with you and we talked it over. We decided that we were going to have it and that he’d adopt her when she was born...I told Rayna and she told Deacon and he told me that you were a mess after I left. He wasn’t sure you would stay off the bottle and telling you...he said that I should cut you loose from the responsibility of it all. Because he wanted you to stay sober. He wanted you to get better. So me and Gavin made the decision to do what was best for Lilith—”

“So she’s mine.”

Gwen looked to be in tears, “Yeah, yes.”

Blake nodded, to himself, to her, he didn’t know. But he nodded and felt the burn of tears threaten to spill from his eyes, the same eyes his daughter had.

Deacon knew. His best friend knew he had a daughter and managed to somehow skip past that part every time they were together. Gavin knew and that asshole gave him crap every time he saw him knowing what it felt like to have kids in the world. Knowing that Blake was missing out on that. Gwen knew. She kept it from him. Every time she looked at him she was harboring this big secret.

Blake felt like he was going to be sick. He was the only one not in on the joke and it infuriated him to no end. Except this wasn’t a joke. This was his life. That was his daughter.

He turned away abruptly to walk past her, not even able to stand the sight of her anymore.

“Blake—” She grabbed for his arm but he shrugged her off of him harshly. “Blake!”

He slammed his hand on the top of the hood of his truck as he neared the driveway, hearing more than feeling the bones crack underneath skin. The sound echoed through the air.

Blake didn’t cry out, he didn’t breathe for fear of atomizing right where he stood.

He got into his truck and turned the engine on, hitting the steering wheel with the palms of his one broken hand and the other unmarred apendage. He heard Kurt and Gwen yelling his name as they caught up to him. He put the truck in reverse and whipped out the driveway and onto the road again.

All his little particles were quickly eroding away with each mile he put between him and Gwen. He trade every single one of them for a couple of minutes with a cold, clear glass of vodka.

He didn’t know about Lilith, he didn’t know about what this all meant for him and Gwen, he didn’t know if he could ever come back from this, but what he did know, was that there wasn’t going to be a victory today.

He had lost.


	7. The Way Life Was

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greys skies, cloudy skies...blue skies

Blake writhed where he lay in a pile of his own sweat and piss. It was reminiscent of when he used to get blackout drunk and wasn’t cognizant of his own body and its functions, except this time he was not nearly as drunk as he wanted to be and couldn’t be bothered to get up and empty himself properly in the toilet. It was instant relief right away and he didn’t have to put any effort into it. 

He turned over and furrowed deeper into the hard, gritty tiles of his shower floor. He should be pissed about making a mess on the new floor he just put in but the ranch was used to his misbehavior and treatment of it ever since he bought the property years ago.

Blake felt the vomit in the back of his throat come up very quickly this time and he knew it was because of the amount and the fact that he hadn’t had a drop in twenty four years. He coughed and spit out a little on the floor. The way he shivered reminded him of just how much he hated the existence of frailty. He had lost his tolerance and he was pissed that he was even more pissed about it.

Blake shivered again. It was warm on top of the rectangular slabs of concrete, but deeper down, somewhere between the creases of dried mortar, where the water and sand collide to glue the gradation together, it was damp and cool. He dragged himself up to turn on the shower head and dropped back down immediately after. Blake focused on how the scalding, harsh droplets of water seeped through his shirt so quickly that his skin wasted no time in becoming one with the fabric, only his left sleeve was safe at the elbow where the spray couldn’t reach. He scrubbed his cheek along the warm surface of the floor. The rough tiles scratched his cheek unapologetically. 

He stayed there until his skin started to prune. But didn’t actually stand up until the water turned cold. He took another swig as he crouched at the edge of the shower, his torso felt bare, the shirt all but dissolved into his skin as he peeled it away from himself and took it off. His flesh grew with a wave of newly risen goosebumps. The alcohol in his system fiddled on the border of nauseating and appealing. He was rooted to the spot on the shower floor as he squinted the disorientation away. He was thinking of Gwen again. He was thinking of Lilith. He closed his eyes at the thought of the two girls he wanted most in his life that he would never fully have.

Blake laid down again, this time on the bedroom floor, his back aching and moaning with the effort. He scrunched his eyes to fight back tears and turned his nose into the ground. He rolled flat onto his stomach. A tear fell silently down his cheek. He was drunk, about ten more minutes from being wasted. He was an idiot. He was careless and every reason why Gwen kept him from being Lilith’s father was currently settling in the pit of his stomach and staining all his floors. He closed his eyes once again, and let the liquor lull him to sleep. In his inebriated state, he dreamt of nothing and no one.

When Blake woke up, he gasped and sat up, forcing bile up his throat. He retched and sucked in a breath. He tasted his favorite vodka and salt, and knew it coursed thickly down the side of his mouth. When the heaving abated, he floated in and out of cold and dark, warmed only when he pressed his limbs together, shoulder and cheek fused as one as he shook. His knuckles hurt where they were stiff and cold, bunched tightly in each of his fists. As the morning rose grey around the house, Blake drifted, then choked back to wakefulness, hacking the weakness from the back of his throat again. The sun came up. More clouds moved in. A smattering of rain fell before he could raise himself up off the floor. His bones were shaky, his eyelids shut closed. He laid back down. He silently thanked himself for remembering the bottle of vodka in the bathroom before he ended up on the floor.

He swallowed down a mouthful and rolled lazily onto his back, looking at the ceiling. He heard his phone somewhere in the distance. It was loud and abrasive to his ears. He breathed in a long breath and closed his eyes, blocking out the sound as it kept ringing, only stopping when he fell back to sleep.

The next time he woke, he had to pee again. Blake crouched over the bathroom counter and relieved himself in the toilet. His body ached all over. His breath buffered against his ears, his fingers were shaking so badly.

He stuffed himself back in, noticing the stench of piss still heavily attached to him. Blake breathed heavily through his nose, his jaw clenched firmly shut. He stripped off his pants and underwear and found a new pair in the dresser. He put a pair of shorts on and grabbed the bottle from off the floor. He drank the rest of it and threw it aside. His phone rang just before he was going to get the other bottle he bought yesterday.

He found his phone under the bed and answered it, stumbling when he was upright again.

“Hello?”

“Blake? Blake it’s Deacon. I’ve been calling you since yesterday.”

He turned his head away from the phone, from the concern in his voice. He didn’t want the disappointment that always came after it.

“Blake?”

“What?” He snapped.

He heard Deacon pause. “Are you okay? Kurt said you—where are you?”

“Oklahoma.” He slurred the name and almost cursed at himself for fucking up—again.

“Blake….Please don’t tell me you’ve been drinkin.”

He wanted so badly to say no. He wanted desperately to tell him that he didn’t just throw twenty four years of sobriety away for two 35 oz bottles of clear cough syrup. He wanted to say that he was better than that. He wanted Gwen to know that she had made a mistake not telling him about Lilith. The stench on his breath, the bile still stuck in the back of his throat, the way his skin reeked of embarrassment, told him he couldn’t tell her any of that. Because she was right. He was not father material. And even though he longed to be, longed for it so viscerally in a way that clutched in his chest, burned his lungs, seared the length of his arms until his fingers closed protectively around his palms, he could never be. It was too late for him.

“Blake?”

“What do you want me to say?” He tried very hard to enunciate his words this time.

He heard Deacon sigh and even though Deacon’s been sober longer than him, they helped each other through the years after the fact. He didn’t want to disappoint his best friend. But then Blake remembered why he was drinking in the first place. He remembered that Deacon had known Lilith was his all along. And didn’t much care what he thought about him in that moment.

“I’m coming to get you.” Deacon told him.

Blake laughed. “I’ll leave the door unlocked.” He heard Deacon try and tell him something else but Blake had already removed the phone from his ear. He hung up and threw the phone on the bed before going downstairs, carefully, to snatch the other bottle off the kitchen counter.

Harvey, his beagle, whimpered at the sight of him. He had left Blake alone when he first came home, sensing something was off. The dog was smart, and clearly loved Blake, so much that he stayed away. Blake liked that Harvey was so different from Betty. When she had died, Blake thought he wouldn’t find another dog as good as she was. When he found Harvey on the side of the road, just a pup clearly abandoned, he didn’t have the heart to leave him there or take him to the shelter and leave him to maybe get adopted. So, he got him shots, bought him a bed, a couple of toys, and food, and took him home. As the years wore on, Harvey got older, and so did Blake. Whenever he had to leave for long periods of time, his sister would keep him for him. When it was just a couple of days, he’d let Harvey travel back and forth from the ranch and the neighbor who always fed him when Blake couldn’t.

Blake whistled softly for Harvey and the dog didn’t hesitate to come by his owner. Blake refilled his water and set out a bowl of food before patting his head.

Harvey started eating and Blake started drinking again.

He didn’t remember anything that came after that because when he came to, again, it was nighttime. He was huddled against the far wall in the hallway, leading into the living room, head bowed and arms wrapped tightly around himself. He coughed and didn’t stop until he reached a hand out and felt around the floor for the bottle he knew would be close by. He drank, just enough to wet his throat.

When he happened to look up, it was to see Deacon sitting on the floor, back against the opposite wall. He hadn’t taken the bottle away while Blake was sleeping and he knew it was because of his tendency to lash out.

“She’s mine.” Blake said hoarsely.  

“I know," Deacon replied.

“You knew.”

“I‘m sorry,” he said, and moved to crouch beside him. He took Blake’s clammy hand in his own and squeezed. "You need to stop, now Blake. Let me help you." He rose, but Blake didn't follow. Deacon leaned down and placed a gentle hand on the singer’s back. "Please," he said.

Blake ignored him. He reached for the bottle but Deacon grabbed it before he could even get a finger wrapped around the neck again. 

“No more.” 

Blake held his breath. He held it until he felt the red rise in his face, until the purple lathered his skin, and watched as Deacon caved. He set the bottle back down and leaned heavily against the wall, looking down at Blake as he took a giant swig. Blake closed his eyes and took three more.

Eventually, Deacon couldn’t stand to watch him anymore and retreated upstairs. 

It was dark when Deacon tried to approach him again. Blake laid in a half stupor while Deacon kneeled down next to him. 

“I got some aspirin for the pain.” He knew the massive headache Blake was sporting and the overwhelming ache in his bones. He lifted Blake’s head to help him sip at the glass of water he brought him but Blake turned away and grabbed for the vodka again. He swallowed the pills down with it and ignored the way Deacon looked at him with sorrowful eyes.

“Okay,” He said, finally resigned to how bad he and Gwen had hurt him. How far gone Blake was in the bottle. When you slip, you slip quickly and hit hard.

Deacon helped Blake to his feet and half carried him up the stairs to the bedroom. He laid him down gently on the bed. That night, with his hand wrapped around another bottle Deacon had relented in going to get him, Blake slept silently while his best friend looked out the window into the dark.

It was some time early in the morning when he woke to the sound of voices in the room. 

“I know you said you never wanted to see him like this again but he—I feel responsible. I feel like you feel responsible. I just—I found him lying on the hallway floor. I found vomit in the bathroom and the bedroom over there, and I figured….He’s not even throwing things or trying to kill me he’s just...he’s just drowning himself at this point. I don't know I just thought—” Deacon sighed.

Blake cracked an eye open to watch Gwen’s— _ Gwen’s _ —fingers flex against the sharp angle of her cheekbone as she looked at Deacon, afraid, one arm over her chest, the other resting on it.

"You thought I could help," She said. Deacon paused, then looked up. He thought he would look over at him so Blake shut his eyes tightly. 

“Yeah. You got him into rehab. You got him sober.”

“I lied to him for fourteen years. Fifteen in two days. It’s our child. He’s more angry with me than he is at you.”

Blake heard a third voice enter the room.

“Mom.” It was Kingston. He was dressed in sweatpants and an old shirt, eyes puffy like he had been crying. “Grandma Shelton just called again.”

Gwen nodded. “Okay, did you tell her that he was fine.”

“Yeah, but I don’t like lying to her.”

“It’s not good for her to worry about him right now. Not in her condition.” Deacon told him. “We need to get him back in rehab. I don’t see him letting us take care of him.”

“I think we should take it easy on him.” Kingston said. “You guys know him better like this than I do but he‘s hurt. Not just over Lilith but you using him and not choosing him after, again.” He directed at his mother.

Blake’s eyes opened at that. He was still foggy but he could register that Gwen must have told her son about their affair at the concert for him to say something like that. He didn’t know how to feel about her confining in King about their relationship.

“He said it was okay.” She defended herself against Kingston’s implications. “I didn’t think it would affect him like this. It didn’t before.”

“Well what did you think would happen when you told a broken man that you didn't wanna be with him?"

"That is not what I said!" She argued loudly. And Blake had never heard Gwen lose her composure in front of one of her kids before.

"I guarantee that's what he heard," King challenged her softly. "And when a person tells you that you've hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't."

The silence after his statement only amplified the tension in the room. Deacon let out a breath. “Look, if we take the alcohol away, he won’t be too nice about it. King, you don’t know how he can be. He’s violent. He’s hit your mother before—on accident, yes—and me I don’t know how many times but I won’t let him be that way with you.”

A flush spread up along Gwen’s neck at the mention of the assault. She had never painted Blake as a horrible person to her kids, and to see the understanding on Kingston’s face about the situation as it slowly started to set in, made her uncomfortable.

Her oldest nodded awkwardly. “Don’t take anything from him. You both have taken enough.” The two adults looked at him in surprise. “Ask him. Don’t demand him. Leaving him out of the decisions won’t make him any more inclined to listen to you or obey you.”

“Kingston.” Blake called.

The three of them snapped their heads to him, slowly sitting up in the bed. With some effort, he managed to swing his legs over the side and sit there on the edge. They were surprised to see him awake.

“I need you to take Harvey out for a walk. He won’t go to the bathroom by himself when I’m here to take him.”

“Oh—yeah, okay.”

“Thank you.”

Kingston nodded, and took his time leaving the room, still clearly focused on his uncle.

“Blake—” Deacon started.

“I don’t wanna talk right now. I wanna take a shower.” Blake got up slowly and bent down to retrieve his wallet in his soiled jeans from yesterday. He took out forty bucks and handed it to Deacon on his way to the bathroom to take a shower.

“Get the largest bottle they sell.” He told him before he shut the door.

When he was finished and put on a fresh pair of jeans and T-shirt, he stumbled down the stairs to the kitchen. He looked immediately for the bottle he expected Deacon to have waiting for him but there was no liquor waiting for him.

Their was just Gwen. He took two steps forward. Three to the right and ended up at the fridge where Deacon, if he wanted to be nice, had put the vodka in to make it cold for Blake.

Nothing.

Blake wanted to scream. There was nothing. Just Gwen, looking at him with that  _ look.  _ He had nothing but her, a compliment, a bright burning building in the heart of ash.

“Deacon and King are at the diner to pick up some food for all of us. Are you hungry?”

She knew he was. He didn’t stay drunk on a full stomach.

“Why did you bring him?”

“Kingston? He was there….When I got the call from Deacon that you—I couldn’t drive with the state that I was in so he drove me to the airport and he sat with me on the plane and he drove me here to you.” Her voice wasn’t loud, wasn’t like Deacon’s or his own. It was pleasant. It was hell.

“You told him?”

“I couldn’t keep it in anymore. He’s my oldest. Out of all of my kids I knew I could tell him all of it and he wouldn’t hate me. Zuma would. Apollo would never forgive me. Lilith can’t even look at me let alone talk to me right now.”

Blake startled at the mention of Lilith’s name. “You should have stayed in L.A.”

He knew it would hurt her but he also knew she could take it. Which she did. Everything he said now, everything he did now, would be taken like a grain of salt. One at a time. With a glass of disappointment.

“We’ll watch a movie when they get back.” She said evenly.

Blake knew they were taking King’s advice to ease him away from the bottle and back into sobriety.

And to be honest with himself, movies and food sounded better than vodka, but he didn’t think they would taste the same.

Blake didn’t say anything else, couldn’t, as the front door opened. If he could run without throwing up, he would have to get to his friend and nephew. Deacon saw him coming toward them and held out the brown bag for him to take.

Blake grabbed it and retreated upstairs.

The liquid was clear. Almost looked like acid or some kind of chemical. His stomach gave a sucking sound, and he told himself to stop looking in the mirror as he opened the container in the bathroom. His eyes closed, but the burning was too strong to resist. It rose in volume and hit him with a knifelike motion. He forced his eyelids down for a few more seconds. Time stopped, locked into the heavy waterfall of staggering details. He faltered and fell back against the bathroom wall. His body felt like it was made of fragile glass.

The feeling reached all the way down to his toes. He remembered the taste of fire melting on his tongue. He had almost forgotten that burn could be pleasant, that a few carefully cut sips could make a life better. Brighter. Just more. He could never just take one sip.

His heart sped up when he heard his name being called from outside the door.

There was no stopping though—not now—just this agonizing feeling of blood thrumming and boiling through his ears over and over again. Until recently, until Gwen’s icy palms finally sank into his fragile body, his blood had been still. You could play with still. You could outsmart it. But here—here he was bubbling with tension, trapped. It was loud. It’s where all the noise was coming from. It’s where he kept all of Gwen’s cries and moans. He wasn’t the only one on the brink of breaking. He just saw her weakness, kissed away her salty tears, and swallowed down  _ her  _ pride in that dressing room. He didn’t feel bad about it being his turn. 

This was his reality now. It’s what he’s chosen. He’s not done healing old wounds. He’s not done with hell yet. So the bottle in his hand stopped looking as clear, less dangerous. Instead, it is just the right color—has just the right amount of chemical properties to keep him upright or down depending on what he needs or who he needs to be protected from. Deacon’s voice eventually stopped calling.

Gwen’s started an hour later.

 

&

How he ended up on the couch, he didn’t know. A movie was playing. His head was resting in someone’s lap, the way fingers played with his curls, told him that it was Gwen’s. He opened his eyes and saw King in the recliner, eyes glued to the screen. Deacon was laying on the floor, attention on the television as well. 

Blake slowly sat up, moving away from her. He cleared his throat multiple times, feeling a scratchiness claw and bite muscle. Kingston and Deacon looked over at him, glad to see him still breathing.

After several moments, Gwen lowered the volume.

“You want to eat?"

He looked around, and shook his head. Standing up was the hard part, and he knocked over a lamp on accident. It was wood so it didn’t break, but the bulb did.

“Shit.”

“I’ll clean it. Don’t worry about it,” Kingston stood up next to him and reassured the older man.

“I got it, King.” Deacon said.

Blake put a hand up to his friend. “No. Just—Stop doing stuff. Okay, just stop.” He slurred, still half asleep, still drunk.

“Blake.” Gwen said his name like a warning.

“Don’t. Don’t say my name like that.”

“Just sit back down—”

“Stop!” He was so sick of the hesitation and the tiptoeing around him and the demands they thought they could give him. He wasn’t going to break things to get his point across. He didn’t have a point. He had a broken heart that needed to be washed away with booze.

Blake turned away from too many concerned faces and went outside to the back yard. He should have known she would follow him and Blake wanted to dig a deep hole to drop himself into just to have a place where she couldn’t go with him.

“Blake, please come back inside.”

“So you can control everything? Control me some more?”

“Trying to control you and keeping you under control are two very different things.”

“And you’ve mastered the difference over the years, haven’t you?”

“You’re lashing out.”

“You’re damn right. So go back inside and leave me the hell alone.”

She stood, chest heaving, eyebrows raised, face in challenge but her eyes gave her away, were doe like, and if he looked hard enough he could see them filling with water, could see the tremble of her hands by her side, could see the slight tremor in her rib cage as she exhaled. And normally it would be enough—he would move to her, to comfort and reassure her that it was him who was wrong, who has always been wrong but today he bristled under her hurt.

Because it should be him hurting. After all, it was her that married, and it was her that had started a family without him, and it was her that kept him on a short leash all these years, and it was her that was indecisive about their contact, and it was her that had his child and didn’t tell him for fifteen years after the fact.

But she started crying. And she didn’t make any noise as the tears fell silently down her beautiful face. He was so, so in love with her, in that moment and every moment before, even when he hated her.

He had stood behind her all these years, a comforting presence that straightened her spine and bent it in ways no one else could, he lead her across the dance floor and left her on it too many times to remember, he put the final touches to her portrait and scratched at the paint until you couldn’t recognize it any longer. He wondered how it could be possible to make someone so exquisitely happy and miserable at the same time.

“What can I do for you?” She finally spoke, voice hushed and soft.

“Nothing.”

“Please, how can I make this right? Just tell me what to do. What can I do Blake?

Blake took a deep breath. “You. Can find me. An ocean of liquor. And it still wouldn’t make anything right between us, but it would sure make me drunk enough to stand it.”

Gwen placed a hand over her mouth and cried silently into it.

“Go back inside, Gwen. Don’t follow me. I don’t want you right now.”

He didn’t wait for more tears to fall as he walked away. He couldn’t go back to the house, and he wouldn’t dare drive in the state he was in, so he walked all the way to the property line and then walked some more.

He only returned back when it got to be too cold to be out in the wind anymore. The lights were off in the house but the side patio light was still flickering. He saw a figure huddled in one of the chairs, strumming a guitar softly, as he drew closer. Twigs and grass crunched under his boots, making the figure look up.

Kingston only relaxed when he saw that it was just Blake. “Wanted to make sure you made it back okay.” He said. “Mom wouldn’t go to sleep until I promised to let her know when you were back in the house, safe.”

“You’re a good son you know that.” It was a rhetorical question and King smiled at the compliment, setting the guitar down next to him.

“Where’d you go?”

“Anywhere but here.”

“I don’t blame you.”

Blake chuckled and stepped onto the patio, sitting in the swinging chair opposite of the younger man.

“You want one?” King gestured to the glass on the table.

“What is it?”

“It's a lemonade margarita.”

“No.” Blake amusedly waved his hand to dismiss the offered drink. “No, I think I’ll stick with the usual.”

Kingston reached a hand down to the side of the chair and presented him with another bottle of vodka. Blake’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“Why are you letting me have it?” He asked the boy.

“Cause it’s something you want. Something you’ve always wanted.”

“And?”

King cocked his head to the side. “What usually happens when you get something you’ve always wanted?”

Blake didn’t hesitate in answering. “It’s worth a world of shit.”

King nodded. “Drink up, Uncle Blake.”

Blake shook his head, partly to clear the fog from his brain, the other part at the audacity of Gwen’s oldest. He never had a particularly close bond with King due to Blake’s resentment that he was the son Blake should have had with Gwen instead of Gavin, but he realized that the boy understood him more than he liked to admit.

He took a deep breath, and smoothed back his hair. He took the bottle and unscrewed the cap, taking a large mouthful. Blake sat back once he was finished. He bit the inside of his cheek, contemplating telling King goodnight and heading inside.

“What do you pray for?” King startled his temporary line of thought.

“Who do I pray for is the better question.”

It was such a random question. Blake didn’t pray much.

“Who do you pray for then?” King asked.

“...Myself mostly.”

“Why?”

Blake laughed. “Cause I don’t really know how to do anything else.....Who do you pray for?”

“Lots of people. It became time consuming so I don’t anymore.”

Blake laughed again, and so did King.

“Then  _ what _ do you pray for?” Blake asked.

“Courage. The courage to forgive people who have hurt me. I think that’s the hardest thing to ask God.”

Blake sighed, knowing it was gonna be a trap and he still fell for it. “King...She doesn’t have faith in me.”

“It’s not that. She just doesn’t believe in you.”

“There a fuckin difference?”

“Yeah. Faith is belief in god. Belief is faith in all his creations. She loves you. From what she’s told me, I can tell she loves you in a way she’s never loved my dad. But it’s hard for her to believe in you.”

“She lied.”

“Yeah. She did. And you’re punishing her for it. But you’re also punishing Lilith. Her birthday is in two days and you’re here, drunk out of your mind. I don’t care if you drink, Uncle Blake. I care if you drink and you don’t show up. Show up. Cause Lilith is counting on you.”

Blake shook his head. “I can’t.”

Kingston didn’t grow angry like he expected. He looked at him for several minutes before grabbing the guitar. “Let me play something I wrote for you.”

Blake didn’t want music. He was tired of everything that reminded him of Gwen but he kept quiet as Kingston played.

 

_ Summer clouds blowing up and down the stair _ __   
_ By the end, we'll take music from them both _ __   
_ Give it back, shining broken glass _ __   
  


Kingston didn’t look at the people he sang too. He made whoever was listening look at him and Blake was no different. 

 

_ Wedding coat, I was waiting there for you _ __   
_ You raised your glass and the scars fell off my heart _ __   
_ We threw a stone, but we never heard it land _ __   
_ There are clouds keeping quiet every night _ __   
  


_ By the end, we hold something too high to ever come back down _ __   
  


_ By the end, there's a song we will sing meant for someone else _ __   
  


_ By the end, we leave somewhere too long to ever wander back _ __   
  


_ By the end, we give someone too much to ever close their hand _ __   
  


Blake felt the bottle in his hand turn warm. He squeezed it tightly to make sure it was real. When King did finally look at him, his eyes were filled with understanding and empathy. He wasn’t singing to him, he wasn’t even singing with him, he was singing for him and Blake didn’t think he could ever receive something so pure in his life. 

 

_ Summer clouds doing good for gold and gray _ __   
_ Tell me where all this love fits in the world _ _   
_ __ You can lie, give me all the rain you want

 

He drank to the song’s ending, and drank a little more for his own demise. 

King set the guitar back when he was finished, and drank his own glass down. He wiped at his mouth and stared at Blake, not expectantly.

“Sounds like I was the one who screwed up.” He said.

“I’m giving you the chance to muse about love and its impossible choices while admitting that you can’t do everything right. Everything can’t do right by you. And, despite even that, you’re doing good for going grey.”

“Where were you when I was just starting out? You’re way better than I ever was at your age.”

“I’ve been learning from you since I was thirteen. I know you didn’t always like that I was around, but I thought you were a rockstar.” He told Blake truthfully, and somehow the older man felt inclined to believe him.

“I should have showed you more love. I did with Zuma, Apollo practically felt like my son, and Lilith…”

“I don’t blame you. I know it must’ve been hard. As I got older I filled in most of the blanks and I get it. You felt betrayed.”

“Let down.” Blake added.

“You cared for her. You were infatuated with her. And she left you.”

Blake agreed. “I met her when I was sixteen. She changed me. And then she left. I mean I let this person in. I let her in. I don’t let people in.” He sighed and rubbed his hand over his face.

“You should write it out.” Kingston suggested.

“The last thing I want to do is write another song about your mother.”

“I get that. But the last thing you want to do is drink my mother away. So how about I put this guitar in your hand instead of that bottle of vodka and you write out your frustrations.” He carefully removed the alcohol and replaced it with the old cherry wood 86’ before Blake could even find the right words to protest.

Kingston remained standing and was headed for the house before Blake stopped him. He turned around, waiting for whatever it was that Blake needed to tell him.

“Write with me.” He blurted out.

King almost laughed. “Yeah, right.”

“I’m serious.”

King’s smile fell. “Really?”

“I need your help.” Blake realized he was talking about the music as much as he was about other things. Things King now knew.

The boy sat back down slowly. “You mean it?”

“Stop looking at me like I hung the moon and get your phone out so we can write this thing.” 

Kingston immediately obeyed, opening up a new notes page on his phone. “Country or my kind of style?”

“What even is your style?” Blake asked.

“Blues, soul, rock, indie.”

Blake wanted to laugh. “I’d say country just so I know what the hell I’m talking about here but I’ve written some out of genre songs in my past. So why the hell not.”

Kingston smiled. “I think we need a break up song, Uncle Blake.”

“I thought we were writing a hate song about your mom?” Blake verged on the line of teasing and being completely serious.

“You have plenty of hateful songs. Both of you. You’ve never actually written a break up song though.”

“Cause we’ve never been over, not really. Not fully.”

“Do you want to be? Over Mom?”

Blake took his time answering. “I can be over her. I can let her go. I need to let her go. But I’ll never want to.”

“What would it take for you to want to?”

“Her going back to him...after all this. The secrets out, I fell off the wagon, your dad has a—” He stopped before the word ‘mistress’ could leave his mouth. He didn’t know if Gwen told him about Gavin’s infidelity or not but Blake was hoping the kid would put two and two together and realize his parents marriage was shit.

“Another woman. You can say it. I know. And even though I wish it weren’t true...Mom will always pick him.” Kingston said unapologetically. “She’s picked him pretty much her entire life. She’s not gonna trade all that for all this. She’s never believed she could have you. But that’s not the real reason that would make you want to be over her. So what will?”

“You’re a good kid but you’re also a real pain in my ass.”

King smirked. “What would it take?”

Blake sighed. “Look...To me—Your mom’s always told me that I can never keep people in my life. Instead of showing them they can stay, I show them how easy it is for me to leave.” Blake ran a hand through his curls. “The other side of love, and pain, and disappointment, is me. The only way I could ever want to be over Gwen is if on that other side...I start seeing her instead of myself. But that’ll never happen.”

“How do you know?”

“Because when you love someone, there is no other side. It’s you and them in a room with no walls and no doors. Everything is out on the table. Nothing has a place, and you don’t get to hide. And when people stop loving each other, they look at the walls or the floors because they can’t stand to look at the way life was, before they decided moving on was better than being together.”

Kingston didn’t respond, and Blake looked down at the table, then at the ground, then back up at him.

“Life moves on.” The boy told him softly. “The way life does. Move on, Uncle Blake. Get to know your daughter.” King flinched, still not used to thinking of Lilith in that way. Blake couldn’t blame him. “Get sober. There’s still time.”

“And just forget your mom?”

“No. She’s unforgettable. Love her. But know that this is where you are now. And this is who you are now. And she needs to let you go. She won’t want to, but you need to start building that wall. She is on the other side. Don’t waste the rest of your life climbing and falling.”

Blake stared at Kingston, his heart thumping inside his chest. He looked terrified.

King leaned forward, closer. “What are you so afraid of?”

Blake blinked erratically, “Becoming empty without her.”

“You won’t.”

“King—”

“Her love is like losing a limb. It was a part of you, it was important, and you used it, but you can live without it.”

“It’s not that simple.”

King gestured to the guitar. “No. But that is. So, we’re gonna play and we’re gonna write until it stops being difficult and starts being bearable.”

The strings felt incredibly sharp against his fingertips and Blake figured that was the knife right there, waiting and biding its time to cut him up the minute he relaxed into yet another fantasy he would never see in the light of day.

At least he had vodka to sterilize the wounds.

  
  


&

  
  


_ Her silhouette _ __   
_ Glowed so familiar _ __   
_ Through that blood red curtain _ __   
  


_ I stood with strangers, gazing _ _   
_ _ At the girl, that I once knew _

 

Blake continued to play his guitar and sing as Gwen stirred in her sleep. 

 

_ But I've grown uncertain _ __   
_ She said "It's just a bad dream" _ _   
_ __ But she looked too happy

 

He was sitting on the floor, back against the far wall, staring at her now open eyes as they blinked the sleep and confusion away. 

 

_ Life moves on _ __   
_ The way life does _ __   
_ But some things are prettier _ __   
_ The way life was _ __   
  


_ Before we gave each other love _

_ And broken arms _

 

She didn’t blink, Blake wasn’t even sure she was breathing. She was just staring at him, eyes flickering all over his face, his hand, his eyes. 

 

_ She said you always had a way with people _

_ A way of letting them leave  _

_ My hands could be the church to your fingers' steeple _ __   
_ But you talk so mean _ __   
  


_ She said you know I love you _ _   
_ _ I said remind me _

 

Gwen slowly sat up, and Blake watched the strap from her night shirt slip off her shoulder. His chords grew softer and his voice grew quieter. 

 

_ Life moves on _ __   
_ The way life does _ __   
_ But some things are prettier _ __   
_ The way life was _ __   
_ Before we gave each other love _ __   
  


Gwen wrapped her arms around herself. Blake didn’t blink as he let her go. 

 

_ Life moves on _ __   
_ The way life does _ __   
_ But some things are prettier _ __   
_ The way life was _ __   
  


_ Before we gave each other up  _

  
  


Gwen looked as if she was having a heart attack. But she didn’t cry. Her eyes told him a million and one things but the one he got was something close to acceptance. 

It tasted like love but it wasn’t.

And Blake was so painfully aware of the feeling that came next.

The pain he had now, was the happiness he had then.

  
  
  


 


	8. Does He Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are so far from this story being over, even despite only having two chapters left. Thank you for your patience. <3

“I am above hate and below love. My insecurities are taped to my back so that I am less likely to see them but more likely to feel them. I chase reality like a dream, and hold my fantasies like they’re nightmares. I pray with my eyes open. I love with them closed. And I do not believe it is me that is incapable of truly loving, rather the world around me is so very capable of destroying that love the minute I even attempt to feel it.” 

Blake finished reading the scratch on the small piece of paper he wrote down at the start of the meeting.

It was a typical exercise commonly used when one of them fell off the wagon. Writing down what you believed your relapse in judgement meant about yourself and how you really felt before and after a drink.

The other members remained quiet as he folded his share and stuffed it into his pants pocket. He saw a few nod their heads, giving him encouraging smiles. Kurt leaned over and squeezed his knee.

“So what does that say about your relapse, Blake?”

Blake looked over to his AA guide. “That I’m hard on myself for things that are not in my control. And I chose to drink because it was in my control.”

“And what will you do next time?”

“Be above both hate and love. I can’t control what people do, but I can control how I feel after they’ve done them.”

His instructor smiled proudly at him. “Before we move on, do you want to share what happened?”

“No.”

“Next time, maybe?”

“This is my last meeting in L.A. I’ll be in Oklahoma starting tomorrow.”

He saw Kurt’s disappointed look. Blake knew he wanted him to stay where he could be there for him as his sponsor and friend but Blake needed to go away for a little.

“Make sure you see me after, I’ll refer you to a great group down there.”

Blake gave him a thumbs up. He fully intended to have a drink as soon as Kurt dropped him off at Gwen’s house. This was just the first step in his recovery, and since he refused to go back to rehab, it’s what he had to suffer through. He’d been down this road plenty of times before.

After the meeting, Kurt tried to have a conversation with him and Blake hummed and nodded at all the right questions and demands. He leaned his head against the window and closed his eyes, only opening them when Kurt told him that they were at the flower shop.

Blake picked out lilies and sunflowers for Lilith. It was a huge bouquet and he was sure she would be happy to see them. He didn’t know if she would be happy to him though, and that’s what had his nerves on fire.

When they arrived at the house, the place was decorated with tons of balloons and colors. There were about a hundred people outside and he was sure there would be a hundred more inside.

“Wish Lilith a Happy Birthday for me and Jane.” Kurt told him as he exited the car.

“I will.”

“Hey, Bud?” He started before Blake could shut the door. He looked at him just mildly irritated. “I know you’re trying your best. And I know you’re about to have a drink as soon as you can get your hands on one. I wish you wouldn’t but if you do, drink to something good.”

Blake cracked a real smile. It was their thing when they were younger. Don’t drink but if it happens, cheer to something worth drinking over.

Blake saluted to him jokingly, and grabbed the flowers before walking up to the house.

A  couple of people in the front yard said hello as he passed, even pulled him into various hugs and kisses. It felt nice for other people to be completely oblivious to his life. He needed some normalcy.

When he managed to step through the front door without changing his mind, he immediately looked for Gwen. He loathed to see her and yet she was the one person he needed to see.

The living room was filled with family and friends. Blake snuck by the crowd and made it to the kitchen unscathed. He found a vase underneath the sink and put the flowers in, filling it with water after, cursing himself for getting such a huge bouquet.

He set it on the island counter and went to the fridge. There was lemonade, sprite, beer, and some bubbly crap in a bottle. He groaned.

“There’s an open goose outside.”

Blake startled at Kingston’s voice. He let the refrigerator door close, sheepishly rubbing at the back of his neck.

“Where’s Lilith?”

“Out back. There’s a friendly kick ball game going on. Uncle Todd is tripping kids on the bases as we speak.”

Blake chuckled. “Do you know where your mother is? She doesn’t know she has Lilith’s birthday present from me.”

“I have no idea. You know she likes to play host.”

He smirked.

King ran a finger down a petal as he admired the flowers. “You showed up.”

“I’m drinking.” Blake retorted, just to be clear. 

“But you’re not drunk. And you showed up.” He left the daisy in favor for Blake’s arm, squeezing it tightly. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Not breaking my sister’s heart.”

“Your sister is my daughter.”

“Yeah, I know. Still weird for you?”

Blake gave him a look and Kingston laughed. “Come on. She’ll be happy to see you.”

He grabbed the vase of flowers and lead the older man out of the kitchen and into the backyard. Blake took it from him when they approached the “kick ball” field. King called to Lilith, who was on second base. She looked over annoyed but her expression soon changed when she saw Blake.

Blake took a deep breath as she ran over. He murmured a thank you to King, still surprised that the boy was willing to go to considerable lengths to make sure he was okay and that Lilith was nothing short of great.

When Lilith stopped in front of him, he almost felt like throwing up. He was nervous. He always talked to her as her uncle. But he wasn’t that anymore. And she wasn’t his niece.

“Ha—Happy Birthday, Lilipad.” He stuttered.

She hesitantly beamed up at him. “Thank you.”

Blake looked down at the flowers in his hands. “These are for you. Your actual birthday present will come later.”

“All of them?” She asked, staring at the abundance of petals and stems.

Blake nodded, jumping a bit when she grabbed for them, taking the vase in her own hands. The tops of the flowers came up to fan her rosy cheeks. She walked them over to the large settee table where all her family was. She set it down in the middle before walking back over to him.

“Do you wanna play kickball?”

“Um, no I’m—you go on. Have fun.”

Lilith looked a little disappointed as her smile fell. She seemed like she didn’t want him to leave her eye. Blake realized why.

“I’ll be here. I’m not gonna leave.” He reassures her.

Her small chest rose and fell slowly. “Okay. Thanks for coming Un—I mean—” She stopped abruptly and Blake was at a lost for her too. Dad didn’t sound right. He didn’t think it ever would. And Uncle...it was too inaccurate and yet entirely right.

“Blake.” He settled on his name.

“Blake.” She agreed.

They stared at each other for a minute more before one of her friends called her back to the game. Blake smiled. “Go get ‘em.”

Lilith returned his grin and ran back to the field.

Blake looked over and saw Kingston sipping his beer, standing off to the side, pretending like he wasn’t listening.

“Cut it out.”

King stopped looking at him from the corner of his eye and walked back over. “It’s not awkward at all.” He said sarcastically.

Blake contemplating smacking him upside the head. “I don’t know what to say to her.”

“You’ve known her since she was a baby. She adores you.”

“She adores her Uncle Blake.”

“You’re the same person.”

“Tell that to the many drinks I’m about to have when this is over.”

Kingston stopped teasing. “I meant to ask you about that.”

“Well, don’t.” Blake said not unkindly.

He liked Kingston because he knew when to push and when to back off. Blake was grateful when he just sipped his beer and didn’t say another word about it.

The two stood in companionable silence for some time, alternating between watching the kick ball game and the impromptu dance party over by the pool.

Kingston shifted slightly by his side and Blake looked over, following his nephews line of vision. Gwen was walking over to them. Blake’s eyes moved back to the pool. They didn’t stay there for long as he stared at his ex. She was wearing a blue-denim, cotton shirt that was tucked into a white skirt. Her blonde hair was down and completely straight, a black headband around her head.

“I see the next line dance in my future.” Kingston murmured as he left the pair to join in on the fun.

Blake shook his head at his antics. He wished he had a drink to down, just something to face the next five minutes.

“You made it.”

Her voice was like an attack on his person.

“Yeah.”

Gwen moved to stand in front of him, standing up on the tips of her toes to get his undivided attention. “Thank you.”

“It wasn’t for you.”

“I know. But thank you.”

He nodded and looked down as she settled back on the balls of her feet. “Do you still have the red cherry electric in your basement?”

“Of course.”

“I need to use it.”

Gwen looked at him skeptical. “Are you—”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

She backed off immediately. “Okay. It’s in the case still, next to the pool table.”

“I’ll go get it.” He started walking past her but she stopped him with a hand to his wrist.

“Blake—Did you—Are you—”

“Don’t ask me if I’m going back to rehab. Don’t ask me if I’m still drinking. You and I both know you don’t want to know those answers.”

She struggled for a response.

“Huh, who knew a yes and a no could both be disappointing.” He said before walking away.

He knew he was being a jerk but he couldn’t stop himself. It was all still too soon for him, too raw.

On his way to the basement, he ran into Gavin of all people. He tried not to look disgusted. He tried to refrain from punching the guy in the face.

“I didn’t think you’d make it.”

“Didn’t think or didn’t want me to?”

“Both.”

“Real funny.” Blake tried to move out of his way but Gavin didn’t let him go that easily.

“You know I’m still her dad.”

Blake’s breath wavered. “On paper.”

“That a judge would rule in favor of any day.”

“Are you seriously threatening me right now?”

“I’m warning you. I raised her. I was there for every scraped knee, every soccer game, every awards night.”

“You don’t think I would’ve been there if you or her would have just let me  _ know  _ she was mine _. _ ” Blake growled angrily.

“I didn’t think. You disappeared. You went on tour. We don’t see you for two years in person and you think that’s a great track record to raise a child? You’re an alcoholic. By definition, you’re unpredictable, unreliable, useless—”

Blake backed him up against the wall, looming over him by four inches. “I’d be careful of the next word you let come out your mouth.”

“Or what? You gonna hit me? Like you hit, Gwen?”

Blake saw red. He didn’t know she told him of the accident and it made him feel sick all over. 

“You aren’t fit to be a dad. Just admit it. You don’t know the first thing about taking care of someone else. You think you can just show up here with some flowers and Lilith was gonna magically be your daughter? It doesn’t work like that.”

Blake was ashamed to admit that he was right. But he never expected her to just be his right off the bat. He had to earn her. He had to work for it. He shouldn’t have had to in the first place but this was the last place and taking shit was his reward.

There were footsteps coming down the hall. Blake stepped back as a man poked his head around the corner. He vaguely remembered him as one of Gavin’s friends.

“Hey, G. Gwen said we gotta go pick up the cake.”

Gavin parted from him, but not before giving him another look that said “back off.”

Younger Blake would have punched the wall as soon as he was gone, but older Blake punched the air, wishing it was Gavin’s face.

Maybe if he had been drunk.

He punched the brick wall down stairs anyway. 

  
  


&

  
  


Blake was still wrapping his bloody knuckles in the corner while Lilith opened her presents. He knew where the gauze was in the upstairs bathroom and washed his bruised hands before using the wrap to keep them protected. 

No one noticed him in the back as all the attention was on the birthday girl. Blake watched as Gavin recorded and Gwen handed her every gift. He could tell there was something off about the way Lilith interacted with her mother, and he knew that was the distance and anger Gwen was talking about before.

When the floor was covered with wrapping paper and bows, and the small children were tapping the torn scraps to themselves, he heard Lilith ask about him.

It seemed like all the eyes in the room shifted to him. Blake cleared his throat and looked at Lilith’s hopeful face, then to Gwen’s expectant one.

“Um.” He grabbed the neck of the guitar he retrieved from the basement and stood up. He sat down on the end of the couch in front of her, thanking Zuma for moving over to make room for him.” 

“This is ol red. It’s what I call her. My father gave this to me when I was a kid.” He left out the part where he had Gwen hold onto it for him all these years because he had a tendency to smash guitars when he was in a fitful, drunken rage.

“My present is a song. And the guitar. So I wanted to play one last song on it before you play a thousand more with it.”

Lilith grinned, her eyes excited as she realized he remembered what she really wanted for her birthday.

Blake was conscious of all the eyes staring at him but he looked at his daughter... _ his  _ daughter...and started playing her song.

 

_ You should know there will be days _ __   
_ When you pray for sun, but get the rain _ __   
_ When the tears fall down your pretty face _ _   
_ __ My love will blow the storm away

 

Lilith leaned forward. 

 

_ In the middle of a sleepless night _ __   
_ When your dreams are putting up a fight _ __   
_ When the words I say don't come out right _ _   
_ __ I'm still gonna be right by your side

 

Blake glanced briefly down at his hand. It was aching, but he kept on playing. 

 

_ Life is full of ups and downs _ __   
_ And I can't change the world around _ __   
_ The only thing that I can do _ _   
_ __ Is always keep on loving you

 

He smiled at her smiling face. 

 

_ The road ain't always shining gold _ __   
_ And happiness is hard to hold _ __   
_ But as our stories being told _ _   
_ __ My love for you it don't get old

 

His eyes flickered to Gwen in that moment. She was staring at him like he’d never seen before. He quickly looked away. 

 

_ Life is full of ups and downs _ __   
_ And I can't change the world around _ __   
_ The only thing that I can do _ _   
_ __ Is always keep on loving you

 

He heard, faintly, Lilith humming along to the melody. She was swaying slightly back and forth, eyes filled to the brim with joy. 

 

_ Yes, life is full of ups and downs _ __   
_ And I can't change the world around _ __   
_ The only thing that I can do _ _   
_ __ Is anything you want me to

 

He felt sadness in his heart as he realized that the only thing he could do now, because everything else had already been done for him, by another man no less, was love her. Love her until he couldn’t love her anymore. Until she didn’t want him to. 

 

_ The only thing that I can do _ _   
_ _ Is always keep on loving you _

 

His strumming faded out, much like his ability to keep a hold on his life. But the applause, and the cheers, that wasn’t something he didn’t get off of the stage. 

The next thing he knew, Lilith was in his lap, giving him the biggest hug of his life. Blake returned it after a minute or two, still unsure how to love her when he knew he helped create the arms wrapped around his neck, the heart beating against his own chest.

“I love you, Blake.” She whispered to him softly.

“I love you too.” He whispered back. “Happy Birthday.”

She kissed him on the cheek as she pulled away and sat back down in her seat. Blake looked over to see Gavin fiddling with the camera, eyes and mouth clearly strained, and Gwen looking like someone had just told her Jesus wasn’t real.

A pat on the back from Zuma told him that he knew. And that he did good.

 

The next hour was spent hiding up in the tree house, finishing the last of his vodka before he had to save face and pretend like he wasn’t drowning his sorrows.

The tree house wasn’t exactly small but Blake never fit anywhere he went, so his knees were slightly bent at an awkward angle to accommodate his large size.

He was just swallowing a large mouthful when someone opened the door to the floor entrance. He tied to sit up and hide the bottle behind himself before he realized it was only Gwen.

Anybody else would have looked less than graceful crawling into a confined space like they were in but Gwen never did anything without a certain poise. Once the door was shut closed again, she settled in next to him without a word.

Her hand found his wrist, and her fingers slowly descended down until they entangled with his. He couldn’t recall deciding to let her. Blake looked down at their hands, totally immobile, processing how a little gesture could screw with his psyche so badly.

“Thank you.” Gwen murmured.

“For what?”

“For giving me her.”

Blake swallowed. He took another swig and thought it best to not say anything.

He drank while they sat in silence. Gwen stared at his drink the entire time, even as she ran her thumb across his.

And then, without warning, “You can’t drink like a normal person. This whole thing that you’re doing, stopping and starting, it isn’t going to work.”

Blake swallowed again and then went back for more. Gwen let go of his hand the very next second and moved to leave.

“Okay, wait, stop. Alright, I’m sorry.” He rushed out.

Gwen looked at him seriously, before slowly lowering herself back beside him. “What are you doing?”

“I need to, Gwen.”

She sighed. “You already disappeared to Oklahoma. You drank yourself stupid for two days to block everything and everyone out. You already yelled and screamed at me and Deacon. Judging by the look of your hand, you already started hitting things. You think because you showed up somewhat sober to her party that it’s okay? That you’re okay? You think you suddenly have a handle on your drinking problem? You’re an alcoholic, Blake. You can’t drink. I need you to remember how hard you worked to keep yourself from drinking all these years.”

“Why did you keep her from me?”

Gwen sighed. “Blake—”

“I’m not sure what I did that was so terrible. I know I fucked up. I know I’m a mess. But I’m your mess. I’ve always tried to be a man you can be proud of.”

“You are—”

“You don’t believe in me.” He told her, King’s words repeating in his head.

“I don’t believe in us.”

Blake let out a puff of air. “I do.”

“How? Better yet,  _ why _ ?” She asked incredulously. And he knew their track record wasn’t anything to go by but the fact that it was such an impossible thing to imagine for her wasn’t doing anything for his confidence.

“How? Because that’s how it was meant to be. Why?” He was at a loss for words. The how was easy. He believed in her because believing in Gwen allowed Blake to believe in himself. But why?

Blake took her hand in his again. “Everybody loves you until they don’t. You aren’t special. You're not the greatest. You’re not even enough. No one is. But goddammit, Gwen you’re real. And you make me real. You make all this worth it. Getting out of bed in the morning isn’t exactly my favorite part of the day. But I do it because I know how much it’s worth. How much you’re worth. That’s the truth. And it’s ugly and probably nowhere near what you wanted to hear but it’s all I got. I miss you. I miss holding your hands. I miss being with your family. I miss not knowing.”

“But you do. You know now. And you choose to drink it away instead of face it.”

“You’re not listening to me.”

“I am.”

He shook his head.

“Then what are you saying, Blake? You miss me? You want to go back? We can’t go back.”

“I can’t go on.”

Gwen froze.

“I don’t  _ want  _ to.” He elaborated.  

“Blake…”

He picked up his bottle but Gwen snatched it from him. He wanted to snatch it back but refrained.

“What are you saying?” She asked quietly, cautiously.

“I’m saying I don’t  _ want  _ to anymore. And that’s selfish. Because I have a kid now. So I will. Because of her.”

Gwen squeezed his hand, bringing his attention back to their connection. He untangled their fingers. “You know what though? I’m not sure you would even care if I was in her life or not considering you kept her a secret in the first place.”

“I made sure you knew her.”

“Bullshit.” He scoffed. “You know exactly what I meant...Just—why, Gwen?”

“I thought you wanted me to listen.” She deflected.

“It’s easier to ask questions than give answers. You of all people should know that by now.” He threw back into her face. 

Gwen’s hurt expression lingered. “I’m not gonna do this while you’re drinking.”

“I deserve to know.”

He could see the regret weighing down on her already, but that didn’t soften his pride. Blake sat back and gestured with his hand for her to start.

“You wanna know so badly? Fine. I was sixteen. Knew nothing about the world until I met this guy in a bar I wasn’t supposed to even be in. He was...singing and playing a guitar that looked a lot like the one my daughter just got for her birthday. He... _ We _ jumped into this wild affair.”

“It was  _ please stay the night _ and  _ let’s go dancing even though I have two left feet _ and  _ come over and nap with me because I’m tired and hearing you breathe is the only way I can fall asleep.  _ It was  _ peanut butter and jelly sandwiches  _ and  _ come back safe when you go out for a night of drinking with the guys. _ ”

She paused. “We used to dance in our underwear and he made me wait for sex for who knows how long to make sure I was ready, to make sure I wanted him to be my first. Him and music were the same thing. Him and love hated each other and him and hate loved one another to the point where he started choosing it over me….” She sighed. “But that didn’t matter because this guy...He’d come running when he’d get pleas of  _ I need you and I can’t do this anymore.  _ He was a hard ass but he was always there for me.”

She stopped to catch her breath, to take in this man before her that had loved her so completely and then hurt her so deeply, all over a course of three decades. “He had a hard childhood. He lost a lot at such a young age. He gave me what he could.”

Gwen closed her eyes. “And every time I was cold, he felt warm.”

She opened them. “And then, someone came along one day and spilled ice all over me. They struggled and I suffered for it. I watched them drown themself over and over again. And instead of lying in warm arms, I was sinking into a lifeless ocean of alcohol and shit. I felt betrayed. And the worst part? The person who held me down? The person who was once my air? 

Blake’s head was bowed, his eyes closed,  _ his  _ breath snatched like the air of Gwen’s story. “Was me.”

“Was you. You’re right. When I left you in rehab, I gave up swimming. Your sincerity and bullshit always did live close together like the ocean and the sand and I was tired, Blake. You started swimming too late. I met Gavin. I started a life with him. And I know you got sober. But I also knew that you never got out of that water. You’re still swimming Blake. Lilith needed someone to show her how to walk before she ever got anywhere near the pool.”

“You shouldn’t have made that decision about  _ our _ daughter.”

“I don’t know what I should have or shouldn’t have done, anymore. But that’s why I didn’t tell you. Why I never told you. Why I did stupid—stupid things when I found out I was pregnant, because, you know, being with you like that wasn’t stupid enough.”

“Do I want to know?”

“No.” Gwen thought for a beat and grimaced. “If you wanted complete honesty here then maybe you do. Maybe I should.”

“Maybe you should.”

Gwen fidgeted and Blake leaned forward, preparing himself. “It was right after I found out. Gavin didn’t even know...I was—I fell down the stairs...I missed a step and it wasn’t like I wasn’t paying attention but I also didn’t try and help myself after it happened.” She took a shaky breath. “I laid there waiting, not hoping, not expecting anything until I realized what I’d done.”

Anger flared in Blake’s eyes immediately and he sat back once again, disconnecting from the conversation while a couple of Lilith’s friends ran up the ladder and opened the door to the entrance of the tree house, more perky than either had the patience for. The kids startled seeing the adults and Gwen smiled at them sweetly. They giggled and quickly ran back down.

“You knew it was mine.” He accused after they left.

“I didn't know for sure. I had a feeling.” Blake looked away from her disgusted. “I got checked out, Blake. I went to the hospital and I was still carrying the baby. I never did anything like that ever again. I took care of her and myself. I love her and I would never do anything—”

“It doesn’t matter. You knew it was mine and you tried to get rid of it.”

“It was an accident.”

“Lying on the ground after you almost killed yourself and your unborn fetus isn’t an accident.”

“Getting drunk and hitting your girlfriend isn’t one either.”

“At least you drove yourself to a hospital right after.”

Gwen sat back appalled. “That’s fucked up of you to say.”

Blake was surprised by her cursing. “I’m not always nice when I’m the one feeling betrayed.”

“I was scared.”

The words hit him. Because he knew how often he felt afraid but never actually said the words aloud for another to hear. Fear made people do crazy things, but sometimes, it made people do the best things.

She almost lost Lilith because of her fear. But she also chose to have Lilith despite how frightened she was.

Blake looked over at Gwen. He made no attempt to mask his roaming eyes as he took in the sight of the mother of his child in that moment. He  _ really  _ looked at her, noticed things he was too angry to notice before. She was a little thinner than the first time he’d seen her on the fourth. She looked pale and tired, and the bags under her eyes didn’t suit her at all. Her face was lined with anxiety and Blake began to think that perhaps he had put too much stress on her.

She existed. That was enough for him. Everything else he had to learn to let go. He was supposed to be giving her up. She was supposed to be letting him.

“I forgive you.” Blake exhaled. “Not just for Lilith but for everything.”

Gwen closed her eyes at his words. She leaned her head slowly onto his shoulder. Blake recognized her light scent, instantly flashing back to the first night they slept together. It was the night they met in the bar he was playing at. He hadn’t even kissed her that night but they fell asleep in the bed of his old pick up truck staring at the sky and quoting song lyrics to each other. It was a subtle scent, associated with summer barbecue, and laying in damp grass while counting the stars. Gwen smelled of honeysuckle. She was a yellow bloom brilliant against the cool gray exterior of the rest of the world. She was almost too bright for him.

“Blake?”

He hummed, still lost in her beauty.

“Are you still in love with me?”

His petals were large, a rich burgundy, the scent sweet like hers. But honeysuckles meant bonds of love while azaleas meant a renewed passion for life. Gwen would always be tied to someone else, a whole life he was not privy to take part of. Much like his search for a better one. She didn’t fit in with him and his travels. They were alike, but they were not the same. They were both flowers, but he was no rose, and she wasn’t either. Eternal devotion would have to wait to be watered. The sun had a better chance of watching it go up in flames.

“I’m going back to Oklahoma tonight.” Blake deliberately ignored Gwen’s question and began to screw the cap back onto the bottle with a hand that was not as steady as he would have liked. It was about time he got out of there. “How much is Lilith going to hate me if I leave right now?” Blake asked passively as he unscrewed the cap back again as soon as he got it on.

“Are you?”

Gwen didn’t honestly seem that pressed about his eventual departure. She seemed strangely at ease all of the sudden, now that the anger was gone. She could have been discussing traffic or weather, with the faintest look of wide-eyed expectation that Blake was so accustomed to seeing on her face when they were teenagers.

Blake pressed the edge of the bottle to his lips. “Are you?” He countered. 

As much as Blake should have seen it coming, he didn’t. Gwen, without missing a beat, lifted the bottle from his mouth and poured it over the tree house floor. The wood soaked the clear liquor, every last drop. Gwen dropped it immediately after all of its contents were drained. That would have been Blake’s cue to get up and get away, but all he could do was try to keep breathing.

“What is it that you think you’re doing?” Blake looked at the opposite wall when Gwen didn’t respond. “You owe me another one.”

Gwen observed him as he eyed the wasted alcohol. A desperate man would have licked the floor clean, Blake was not a desperate man. But he was impulsive. Desire had left him heartbroken. He was all worn out.

“I want to do what’s right,” Blake finally revealed to her, cowering under her intense eye. It was random and out of place but he needed her to know it. Doing right meant not talking about his feelings for her anymore.

“I think you want to do what’s wrong. Otherwise you would have left by now.”

A hot chill ran through his limbs. Blake wanted to deny it, but he didn’t want to lie, so he said nothing while another opportunity to walk out slipped past him. There was no end to the wrong that he wanted to do.

“Are you still in love with me?”

It was torture hearing her ask so many times. It would be pathetic to answer. There was something about the warm daylight that made this conversation more difficult than it could have been in the dark.

“If you still are, even after everything—between us,” said Gwen, “say nothing.”

Blake blinked, trying to think of something to say—an honest way to deny the truth—but nothing came to mind. At least he knew his stone cold gaze was unfaltered.

Gwen seemed to shed a little more tension at his lack of response. “Do you think you’re a better man for loving me?”

“What are you doing?” It was the second time he was asking, and again, Gwen would not, or could not, respond.

“Do you?” She pushed.

Blake shook his head, exasperated. “If I wanted to be romantic I would say yes. If I wanted to be honest, and I do...it’s made me messed up. But I have more patience than anybody you could ever dream up.”

Blake’s eyes flew to his leg, the feel of a hand touching his knee beneath the weighty fabric of his jeans. Gwen’s forehead was creased. Blake had forgotten what she looked like untended to.

“Stop waiting for me.” She told him quietly.

“I have.”

Gwen shook her head but drew closer. “Find someone else to love you as much as you love me.”

Blake knew what she was doing even before Gwen moved her hand to his belt.

“Don’t do that.” Blake breathed deeply as he watched Gwen turn her attention to the leather, unbuckling it. And he let her do it.

”I love you,” Gwen clarified. “I love our daughter—”

“Don’t do it like this. I don’t need it.”

Gwen’s hand stilled but she didn’t remove it from his lap. Blake wet his lips with the tip of his tongue, and Gwen leaned close on reflex to press her lips between his in a kiss just the outer edge of chaste, so impossibly soft, completely undemanding, an offered comfort. She drew back, eyes gently smiling. It was the look she saved for him when she wanted him to know that all her efforts would be exerted on him. He didn’t want it. He didn’t want it like this.

“This isn’t about me,” Blake breathed as his belt flipped open as Gwen went back to her original plan. She was saying goodbye. Now that she knew he was still in love with her, she could send him on his way with a piece of mind Blake would never had. It was fucked up and entirely them. She wasn’t doing it for him, she was doing it for herself. The woman had all the patience in the world, some would say it even outmatched his own. But one last time to last her until death wasn’t far from her fingertips right then.

“Gwen—”

She pressed her face against his abdomen and, instinctively, Blake brought a hand to the back of her head.

God...it felt right. It always felt right.

She looked up at Blake from where she was bent down. Blake exhaled deeply and tried to collect himself. “My body might want it but I don’t.”

He drew his hand away from Gwen’s soft hair. He didn’t appreciate that his love, which he had worked quite hard to keep to himself when it wasn’t welcomed, was so fallible in her hands. He pushed Gwen back at the shoulder and did his belt buckle up again. Immediately, the other set of hands moved to push his away in order to undo his belt once more. Blake caught her wrists and met her eyes.

That was it. It didn’t matter if someone else loved him to the point of oblivion, he needed Gwen to feel the same way that he did about her. He needed her to tell him. Something she’d never do.

“I am done waiting for you. Like you wanted.”

Except she didn’t want. Because she climbed into his lap the second he was done speaking. His hands instinctively went to hold her hips as she settled on top of him.

“You’ll find someone else,” Gwen mentioned again, tightening her legs around Blake’s. “But you don’t want someone else.”

Blake ached. He hadn’t particularly wanted anyone else but he was torn between having any woman he wanted and being with the one that he needed. He was confused. She was giving him whiplash, and he was finding it hard to keep up. Did she want him or not? Was this goodbye or just another slip in saying hello to each other. But as Gwen tangled her fingers through his hair, the way she tugged almost apologetically, he knew it was goodbye. And it wasn’t the act of goodbye that he particularly wanted or needed but to find some way to plug his soul back into his body after he finally realized that this would be the last time he would ever hold the love of his life like this again. It was a way to cope. Gwen was coping. Personally, Blake usually opted for the shooting range or a guitar—most recently a bottle—rather than fucking his ex when he needed to cope.

But he couldn’t judge. He couldn’t participate either. It wasn’t easy, but Blake released Gwen’s arms from around his shoulders and pushed her back slightly. “I love you.” He told her, honestly, openly. “Take care of our little girl.”

He leaned up to a motionless Gwen and kissed her softly on the cheek, stealing one from her neck before wrapping her up in a hug. He was a little surprised to feel her return it.

He didn’t feel much after that. He left her there in the tree house as he made his rounds and said his goodbyes. He tried not to be upset when Lilith cried. He didn’t expect it. But he reassured her that he’d be back, or maybe, if it was okay with her mother and Gavin, she could come visit him. He highly doubted it would happen but he’d say anything to keep her mother’s smile on her face.

As he landed back in Oklahoma just a couple of hours later, Blake suddenly realized he couldn’t remember the very last time Gwen smiled at him.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


&

 

_ Four months later  _

 

Gwen still managed to make the papers every once in awhile. An appearance at this party and that gala or this awards show was always about what she wore, or if she took her husband or one of her children as her plus one. 

They were mostly harmless publicity.

Until the cheating scandal.

Gwen sat and stared at covers and covers of magazines online and in her hands. There were pictures. Proof. Nothing to dispute. Nothing to sweep under the rug.

Nothing that she wanted to.

Gwen was alone in the house, save for her publicist, Katerina, who was trying and failing to stand in the corner and not ask her if she was alright.

She was fine.

She’d been cheated on before. This wasn’t the first time, or the second, or the third. But it was the first time the whole world knew it. It was the first time all of her kids would be exposed to it. It was the first time she really felt like shit about it.

Gwen wiped at a lonesome tear and set her iPad down.

Katerina moved just a couple of steps closer to her, hesitant, waiting.

Gwen looked up and smiled at her through watery eyes. “Can you get me on a flight?”

“Um...Yes, of course, Gwen. Where exactly?”

“Oklahoma.”

  
  


&

  
  


He answered the door on the seventh knock, in nothing but his boxers and a grey Henley shirt. There was a lock of silver hair that fell across his brow, falling into his eyes as he looked down at the ground. Gwen had never seen it fall  _ that  _ way before. He was completely undone.

There was sleep still written all over his face, a softness to his features that only peace brought with it. 

Blake finally dragged his eyes from the floor to Gwen’s face. There was a painful silence as he stared at her. He seemed more concerned than annoyed with her presence. She would have preferred annoyance. It meant that he heard the news already. His harsher responses were easier to make sense of and easier to pull away from. But it was her who came to him. For a long time, Gwen had been willing to accept that after Blake left, he would always still be somewhat angry with her and how they left things. And there she was, and he  _ knew. _

“I’m sorry,” Gwen whispered quickly, unable to find her breath, the embarrassment of her presumptuous actions and words catching up with her. For now and back then. Blake probably wanted to kick her out and likely would have if Gwen had somewhere to go.

Blake continued to stare at her, but his face was open. Gwen slowly took a step forward, giving Blake the chance to move back if he wanted. She couldn’t bear to lay any more weight on Blake’s shoulders if she didn’t have to. This wasn’t his problem. But he was her solution.

A hand found her back. “Blake—”

He drew her closer, getting her inside instead of standing out in the chilly air. He didn’t push her any more into the house as he closed the door and he didn’t say anything. He just looked at her, with a fixation, an intensity.

So without touching, without thinking, Gwen cautiously brought her face next to Blake’s and the heat radiating from his skin drained the fear and the ache from her heart instantly. Blake’s thumb moved up to trace her bottom lip and she took it gently between her teeth, automatically. Blake slid his thumb back out and brought her face in front of his so that they were nose-to-nose.

“I can’t do this,” Blake whispered, even as his lips moved feather-light against Gwen’s while he spoke.

She shivered and opened her mouth reflexively, her breath trapped in her lungs, but Blake would not deepen the contact.

“I’m sorry,” she breathed again. “I need you.” Their lips touched again with the last word. As much as she worried that it might burden him, it was a relief to get that off her chest after so long.

That was the line of justification she’d been unwilling to consider for months, but now she couldn’t stop herself from really feeling it—that  _ need _ . So she gently pushed the edge of his shirt up and pressed cautious fingertips into Blake’s flesh, just a little.

He covered her hand with his own. It was warm. But the warmth only lasted a second before Blake was peeling back Gwen’s fingers.

Gwen bit her lip and pressed her palms flat against the cool wall behind her. Okay, no hands. Just mouths then. Whatever he wanted. Just Gwen couldn’t really decipher what Blake wanted in that moment and it was messing with her more than the cheating scandal was. Last time had been so easy. She knocked, he listened, they made love. That’s what she wanted. From the look in his eyes, it looked like he wanted that too.

Blake’s desire was clear to her now but what exactly he expected from Gwen was still uncertain. Maybe he expected nothing because it was her—once again—that came to him.

“What are you doing here,” Blake asked. Not why are you here but what reason would she be here instead of with her family? He ran his hands down her arms to her wrists, forcing another shudder out of her. “Where are Apollo and Lilith?”

Blake was attempting to alleviate her of the responsibility over her reckless decision to leave her family at a time when they probably needed her most. But Lilith had went on vacation with her best friend’s family, and Apollo was never at home anymore since he discovered Gavin sleeping on the couch long before the scandal broke waves.

Her life had gone to shit, and the only thing she wanted was Blake. Once that had become clear, Gwen ignored his questions to finally close the space between them in a deep, quiet kiss.

That was the first moment since seeing her name flash across enews on the couch that Gwen knew this wasn’t a dream. She closed her eyes and heard her breath finally rasp out through her nose against Blake’s cheek as she drowned in his smooth mouth.

Those lips found their way down her chin, jaw, and finally her neck. His mouth became eager and strong, almost rough, using teeth to force a deep groan from Gwen’s throat. With those teeth breaking her sensitive skin open, she pushed her hips firmly against Blake and felt him growing hard in his boxers. Sandwiched between the wall and Blake’s solid frame, he covered her mouth with his own again, physically consuming her whole body now so that even if Gwen had wanted to stop this, she wasn’t sure she could. And besides, he was the one who wanted to stop.

She could feel it in the way he broke their kiss. She reached down into Blake’s boxers and felt his heat. Blake moaned but moved to grab at her wrist, stopping her movements. 

“Please,” Gwen whispered dizzily, panting against his ear. “Let go.” She wanted to pull Blake even closer to her.

With his face pressed into her neck, Blake shook his head. “I can’t.”

She bit her lip, hard, unbearably aroused. Blake took her hand out and placed it behind her back, crushing it as he leaned into her, using his other hand to explore Gwen’s neck, shoulders, chest. There was a sound from upstairs that Gwen heard but didn’t exactly register until Blake let go and backed away.

“Don’t stop,” she pleaded. She stepped back into his body, her freed hands immediately finding Blake’s broad shoulders. But he caught her hands again and he gently pushed Gwen back to arm’s length, holding her at far too great a distance.

“We have to stop,” Blake told her. He was flustered and breathless, which only turned Gwen on more. “Gwen, listen...We...I can’t be doing this.”

“Why not? What’s wrong? Are you still mad at me?”

“No.” His hand was still on her shoulder. His grip was firm.

She nodded. There was no problem then. She had half a mind to sink to her knees right there and change Blake’s mind, but the next words that came out of his mouth stopped her.

“I’m with someone.”

Those were three words that she didn’t know could kill her. Especially coming from his mouth. She looked around the house but all she could see was him.

“Good.” She blurted out.

Blake sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “Yeah. She’s...she’s here. Upstairs. Right now.”

Gwen wanted to vomit. “I—”

She didn’t have anywhere to go. Her husband had blasted their entire marriage on the front page of every trashy tabloid magazine and she just assumed she could pick Blake up like the last time and everything would be so easy.

She was a mess.

“I’ll leave.”

“No. Sleep here. You’re tired.”

She did not want to sleep knowing a floor away was Blake and some other woman she’d never met wrapped around each other.

“I’m sorry.” She repeated.

“I kissed you back.” He cleared his throat.

Gwen nodded.

The sun hadn’t come up yet, but there was a cool blue light seeping into the kitchen through the windows. Blake gave her a look, and Gwen knew it well.

It was a look of regret and half want.

“A blanket and pillow are already on the couch.” He told her. “Goodnight Gwen.”

And when he left the room, Gwen knew it was because if he stayed any longer he risked not being able to put a stop to what they were just doing.

Blake’s bedroom door slammed on the other floor of the house.

Gwen was hot, cold and shaken. She felt the need to determine if this thing that happened was good or bad or if she’d won or lost, but she knew that it wasn’t about any of that. There was no doubt in her mind that they would both have to wake up tomorrow and pretend that everything was exactly the same. 

As Gwen sunk into the soft cushions, she vaguely wondered why he hadn’t had to make it up for her. Had he already been sleeping here when she knocked?

Gwen saw a new tv mounted to the wall as she laid down. She saw the new rug underneath the living room table. What else was new? Was Blake sober again? Did another woman help him do what Gwen only ever had the privilege of achieving? Did he love this woman? Did he tell Lilith these things? The father and daughter had kept in touch ever since Blake left, talking on the phone everyday and FaceTiming. Gwen never asked what they talked about, and Gavin had kept to himself whenever he saw Lilith participating in her ‘Blake Time.’ She knew Blake was alive and in Oklahoma for these last four months. But that was it.  

Things didn’t feel so different back in L.A. But here, things had a permanent air about them. One thing was always certain: she never did tire of Blake’s smell as she burrowed further down into his pillow and blanket.

  
  


&

 

  
Blake sat on the living room table in front of the couch with a cup of coffee—bemused, a little weirded out, hungover—she could tell—looking at her shirt on the floor. She had woken up in the middle of the night, warm, with a layer of sweat covering her from head to toe. 

He shook his head and looked to his coffee. He ran a hand through his messy curls. He wasn’t wearing the same shirt from last night. The black button up he usually wore when doing ranch chores was completely opened in the front and Gwen stared at tanned skin and fine chest hair. Blake looked up from his cup to see her watching him—a little bashful, a little pleased, a little bruised—and she smiled. She didn’t know what time it was but it was still dark in the room.

She leaned up on one elbow. It made the blanket drift down her chest baring skin and a bra that Blake was all too familiar with. He slowly looked back up, and found Gwen grinning, having caught him staring.

“Is that coffee?” She asked, even despite smelling it from where she was. His coffee was never strong unless he was drinking and needed something to help with the stabbing headache.

“Yeah.”

“Is there more?”

“Yeah.” He admitted, still watching.

“Did you make water for tea?”

It was a loaded question. How did Blake feel? How did he feel about her being there? Did he care anymore? Enough to continue their morning routine that she hadn’t had a chance to participate in over two decades?

It didn’t take long for him to answer.

“Yeah. I'll get you a mug.”

Gwen almost relaxed, but the relief was short lived as he moved to stand. Something snapped inside her and she panicked, stopping him with a soft hand to his elbow. “I can’t come back from this,” she blurted out.

Blake froze and turned to face her properly. She continued. “I mean, right? This is the kind of stuff that you never recover from. At least, not, right away.”

Blake blinked rapidly for a second and stopped himself short. “You can always come back, but you can't come back all the way.”

It was proper advice but it wasn’t what she wanted to hear.

Blake left her for the kitchen and returned shortly with a giant mug full of tea. She thanked him and sat up all the way on the couch, exposing herself from the waist up. Blake looked away.

“Where are the kids?” He cleared his throat.

Gwen already felt her own headache coming on with the start of questions. “I don’t—can we not talk about it? The kids are fine, they’re—I don’t know, Blake. Could they be any worse than I am?”

Blake nodded. “Fair point.” He shifted subtly. “When are you going back home?”

The question was like a gunshot wound. Gwen paid no attention to how bad it hurt or how deep it went.

“I’m not staying a whole week if that’s what you’re worried about. I can leave right now—”

“That’s not why I’m asking, relax. I wanted to know how long I was gonna have you this time before you went back. I don’t like waking up and seeing an empty pillow where your pretty head should be.” His voice was soft but the look in his eyes was one of concern and thoughtfulness.

“I just don’t want to be somewhere where I can’t breathe.” It wasn’t a definite or clear answer but it was all she had.

Blake took a sip from his coffee, wincing. “You can breathe here.” He told her honestly. “I recommend not inhaling due to the cow shit and tobacco in the air but…”

Gwen cracked a smile and Blake grinned.

“Can you help me with breakfast?” He asked. “It’s Miranda’s birthday today and I wanted to do something nice for her.”

Her smile fell. But she was surprised to know that it wasn’t because of Blake’s girlfriend herself but the idea of her at all. Gwen tried to quell the uneasy feeling in her stomach at going back to an empty house. It was strange, even though she had been expecting this moment in her life. She figured it would be several years down the road, when all her children were grown and moved out. The sudden absence of something comforting made the thought of her home feel cavernous and cold, much like when she had put Blake in rehab. She was not accustomed to the feeling, the empty ache in her chest when she remembered she didn’t have anyone to share breakfast with anymore, or a partner to care if she even got out of bed. There would be no one making breakfast in bed for her on her birthday. She spent hers this year in Vegas performing for a lovely crowd and her children thousands of miles away. Being around Blake and his new love was giving her something to notice that she was lacking in herself.

Gwen felt the tears form. She felt them take shape and fall and run. She felt a hand reach out to her and pull her close. She felt a solid chest press against the raw skin of her face and strong arms envelope her in a tight embrace. Gwen let herself cry, let herself fall apart, with Blake to keep all of her pieces together as she did.

A couple of minutes turned to several more and before she knew it, an hour had passed in the darkness of his living room.

Blake had moved to the couch around the last half hour, shifting them so that he could lie down and Gwen could rest her head and body on top of his.

Her voice felt like dead weight when she did manage to find words. “Now I know how you felt,” Gwen muttered against Blake’s chest, her fingers moving slowly over his skin like she was writing out song lyrics. 

“Hmm?” She smiled at his sleepy voice.    
  
“All this time, I finally understand what you’ve been going through,” Gwen clarified, lips sliding across Blake’s pulse. 

“What do you mean?”

“There aren’t many people like you. Like quiet. Like funny, and honest and...this impossible wonder. You’re more than the mountains. You’re like this force. And I know that. I know that about you. I know  _ you. _ ”

“Speak English please, Gwen,” but Blake sounded breathless, affected.

Gwen nuzzled into the crook of his neck for a moment to find the right way to let him know he was everything to her and she had been less than nothing to him.

“I know you. I know that you like to make music. I know that your favorite movie is the  _ Sound of Music _ . I know that if you can and that every night when we were younger, you’d watch  _ Shrek _ before going to bed. I know that Betty can never replace Harvey and that you loved that dog sometimes more than you loved yourself. I know Dot is sick but she’s still holding on because she’s crazy and still hammers you about giving her grandchildren. I know that I kept that from her and you and it was wrong.” She stopped for air but kept going as soon as she got a breath in. “I know that you have exactly thirteen freckles on your nose and zero in the winter time because I’ve made it a priority to count them. I know that you’re an alcoholic and I didn’t exactly make it easy by keeping Lilith a secret. I know that you’re drinking now. I know deep down that you feel alone and sad. I know that it’s not a secret that you adore me. I know that you love me. I know I hurt you. I know you, Blake. And I know now how you’ve been feeling. I never gave you the chance to know Lilith like you know me, just like I know you. Everyday I didn’t tell you about her, I took another thing you would have known about away from you, another moment you would have committed to memory. You feel cheated, Blake. Gavin’s done this to me so many times and it’s never felt any different. This time does because for the first time in my life I actually feel  _ cheated.  _ Not on, but I just feel completely tricked—deceived. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I ever made you feel that way and—”

Blake pulled her closer, “—I’m sorry this is where we ended up with each other,” she finished, wondering what in the hell Blake must have thought of her as a person.

But then he laughed, gently, quietly, and pressed a kiss in her hair, fingers running through her long blonde tresses. 

He sighed and Gwen pressed a kiss to his collarbone to avoid his silence. Blake shifted and she looked up at him to see him staring over the couch through the windows. The sun was just parting through the trees, still dim, still low in the navy blue sky.

Blake let out a long breath.

“Are you mad at me?” She asked.

He shook his head, eyes still on the yard.

“What’s wrong,” Gwen asked instead and Blake slide his fingers from her hair down her spine. 

“Sunrise hurts as much as you.” He admitted. 

Blake exhaled deeply and finally looked Gwen square in the eye, sending a hot chill straight to the marrow of her spine where his fingers were currently caressing.

“You both come up when I don’t want you to..” He trailed off, letting her fill in the blanks. 

Gwen gulped, her anxiety rising. She didn’t want to be a reminder of pain and anguish. It seemed like that’s all they were slowly becoming to each other. 

“Blake—”

The sound of a door slamming closed upstairs startled her. Blake remained where he was, staring at her. It occurred to Gwen that she hadn’t thought any of this through. He was with someone for heaven’s sake. The woman—Miranda—was only a floor away. And even though they hadn’t done anything but provide each other comfort, it was still too close to comfort. It wouldn’t have been seen that way.

Gwen moved off of Blake, immediately missing his warmth. She snatched her shirt from off the floor and put it back on. Blake hadn’t moved an inch. He was staring at her as she dressed and moved around the room to pick up their mugs and put them in the kitchen where they belonged. Where she and Blake belonged.

It was only when his phone rang that Blake finally moved from his position. He sat up and grabbed the device off the table. He answered shortly.

The voice over the other end of the line made him look over at her.

“Hey baby girl.”

“—Not yet, but when she does you’ll be the first to know.”

“—I’ll send pictures.”

“—You having fun?”

“—Good.”

“—Okay, love you too.”

“—Alright, bye.”

He hung up, standing the next second. “Lilith.” He said, confirming Gwen’s suspicions. “I’ve got a horse that’s due to deliver her foals anytime now. She’s excited about it.”

Gwen nodded, wanting to ask and already knowing the answer. Blake did it for her. “She’s fine. She told me she doesn’t get much reception out there and that there’s no internet. She doesn’t know yet.”

Gwen didn’t want him to see the flash of relief cross her face but she stopped caring about what others thought about her situation and what they thought she should be feeling.

“You need to tell her. Finding out from someone else or even a stupid magazine will break her heart. She’s not used to you making headlines unless it’s in a positive light.”

“I know, I know. I just—she’s been through a lot already. She still doesn’t even give me a full sentence when we talk.”

“She’s a teenager. She’ll get over it.”

Gwen gave him an odd look. “I never thought I’d see the day that you’d be giving me parenting advice.”

Blake smiled ruefully at her, before walking to the kitchen. “Funny.” He said, moving to the fridge and taking out a bottle of vodka and a carton of orange juice. He poured both into a glass.

Gwen eyed him.

“I can feel you freaking out. I don’t drink it straight and I cut back to four a day.”

Gwen’s eyebrows shot up. “You’re trying to quit on your own.”

He looked up. “With help from Ran. It was her idea to ease me back into sobriety instead of going back to rehab right off the bat.”

Gwen looked at him skeptically. “And it’s working?”

Blake shrugged, taking a small sip. “I work out on the ranch and keep myself busy to get my mind off of it. Mentally, I think I’m okay. Physically...I still think I need it. That’ll go away soon if I keep slowly scaling back on how many I have.”

Gwen wanted to be impressed but that meant giving credit to this woman that she’s never even met before. So she gave him a small encouraging smile to let him know she was supportive of any progress no matter how much she might’ve disapproved of the methods to get there.

Footsteps down the stairs shifted their attention.

Gwen wasn’t sure what she was expecting when Miranda entered the kitchen but what she got was not what she thought.

Miranda was short, shorter than her. Blonde, blue eyes, a cute smile. She looked like an all American girl—a true cowgirl.

Gwen watched her entire body, the way she moved with uncharacteristic grace, the red on her toes, the long, smooth, hair-free line of her bare legs as Blake’s night shirt parted and revealed the tantalizing pale flesh of her thighs as she made her way over to Blake, seemingly oblivious to Gwen’s presence. There was a hint of something sheer and lacy underneath the cloth, making Gwen shudder at the thought of Blake being turned on by it—by her.

Miranda continued her short strut towards Blake, hips swaying casually until she was a hair away from him.

Blake smiled down at her. “Happy Birthday Ran.”

“Thank you," she all but purred straight into his ear, touching the older man with her lower lip before giving him a proper kiss on the cheek. Blake looked up at her over Miranda’s shoulder.

“Ran, I want you to meet my daughter’s mother.” He turned her around and Miranda’s eyes narrowed as they laid upon her. “Gwen, this is Miranda.”

Gwen extended a hand out for the younger woman to take. She was too young for him in her opinion.

Miranda shook it lightly. “Gwen Stefani. Never thought I’d meet you. My mother is a big fan.” 

Gwen bristled.

Blake stepped in. “She’s going through something right now and needs a place to get away for a little.” He explained.

Miranda smiled sweetly up at Blake. “Yeah, we were really sorry to hear about what your husband did.” She directed at Gwen.

The older woman clutched her hands behind her back to keep from choking the girl. She clearly felt threatened by Gwen’s presence.

“I appreciate that.” Was all Gwen could think to say in return.

She looked over at Blake. He could feel the tension in the room and looked at the floor awkwardly.

“Um...I gotta check on the animals and Maggie, see if she’s ready to give birth yet. Afterwards, we can all go get breakfast at Loretta’s?” Blake suggested.

Miranda turned back around to her boyfriend. She slid an uncovered thigh, warm and solid, right to where Blake’s member was straining on his inseams. Gwen wanted to imagine that it was her that had already gotten him hard from earlier but the way Miranda walked into the kitchen didn’t leave her feeling too confident. "I’ll go take a shower. If you hurry, I’ll save you some hot water." She said like the fucking cock-tease that she was. Gwen looked away as the two kissed briefly.

Miranda shot her a sweet look before leaving the kitchen and heading upstairs. Gwen let out a breath.

“God, you pick ‘em young.” She told him.

Blake scratched the back of his head. “She’s not usually that…—”

“Bitchy.” She helpfully supplied.

Blake chuckled. “The mother of my child will always be a threat to any woman I’m with. Isn’t that how it goes? Why Gavin hates me so much?”

Gwen couldn’t argue with his reasoning. “Still.” 

“She’ll be fine after her shower.” Blake downed the rest of his drink. “You wanna see the horses?”

“Maybe later. I need to call my kids...my husband.”

Blake nodded, not envying her in that moment.

“Give me your keys and I’ll go get your luggage out the car while I’m out there.”

Gwen pointed to the end table in the living room as she pulled out her phone. Blake gave her some privacy as he left the kitchen.

Staring down at all the missed calls she avoided, Gwen started to feel truly sick again. Her dad, her mom, her brothers, her sister-in-law, Kingston, Zuma, even a missed call from Apollo. But the sixteen missed phone calls from Gavin had Gwen really wanting to know what he could possibly have left to say to her.

The numbers eventually started to blur as she felt the tears form in her eyes. Gwen looked up to the ceiling to will them away. While she was looking up there, she prayed.

She prayed harder than she ever had in her life, hoping God was listening. Hoping he was forgiving.

Hoping he could possibly give her the strength to face what she’s kept buried for over thirty years.

 

&

 

There were no pigeons in the sky, not in such a place like Oklahoma. Here it was the finches cooing outside the window, the rustle of her own hair against the garden furniture on Blake’s patio, her breathing through a half-open mouth as she wrote. There was no one around her. No threat. Just the shock of being in silence and not wanting to die quiet. 

Seams of mid morning light shone around the edges of the window shades and the juniper grass. 

Gwen had wimped out. Instead of calling, she sent a text to everyone saying she was fine, that she was safe, that she’d be back when her pride allowed her to. The messages she got back where ones full of concern but understanding. The only thing she was really concerned about was Apollo. But Kingston had texted her saying that he was staying with him and not to worry. It only made her worry more.

So she grabbed one of Blake’s guitars and went outside. She gathered herself up and decided to do what she was only truly good at. Write out her sorrows, play through her pain, and attempt to sing her anger without falling apart.

Blake’s ranch was the perfect place to write. It reminded her of the early days of their relationship and the apartment they used to share. The apartment she loved and hated. So many memories, good and bad, had came from that one bedroom sanctuary. The accident in particular came to mind. Gwen thought back to looking in the mirror the next morning, her black eye that was already beginning to go yellow at the upper edge, and the swelling around her eyelid. Red-violet fingerprints blared down the length of her unsturdy neck, and Gwen felt that deep ache in the back of her teeth. Gwen had found it shocking, was grateful for her shock because it meant that she hadn’t become to desensitized to her situation, and hoped she would be shocked again and again to never lose Blake completely. It took two weeks until every trace of his anger from her skin was gone.

Gwen blinked the memory away. That was in the past. That had been a mistake. Blake had never made her feel like that again. But Gavin had. And this time it stoked her up, a bright fury burned hot and tight in the center of her chest, and she’d need that for her writing but it was doing nothing for her health.

Gwen looked down at the lyrics she had already written and tried one more time to sing them correctly with the chords she was fumbling around with. She had never been particularly good at playing guitar but she tried her best.

 

_ I’m doing fine  _ __   
_ Trying to derail my one track mind _ __   
_ Regaining my self-worth in record time _ __   
_ But I can’t help but think  _ __   
_ Of your other in the bed that was mine _ __   
  


_ Am I a masochist _ __   
_ Resisting urges to punch you in the teeth? _ __   
_ Call you a bitch and leave? _ __   
_ Why did I come here? To sit and watch you stare at your feet? _ __   
_ What was the plan? Absolve your guilt and shake hands? _ __   
  


Her fingers stopped playing when she messed up another change in progression. She would’ve thrown the guitar if it wasn’t for the fact that it was Blake’s and he would have killed her. 

“You look like someone murdered your dog.”

Gwen didn’t even have the energy to jump at his voice. She just sighed and looked up. Blake was covered in dirt already, but he was smiling, and he wasn’t drinking, and Gwen felt like it was a win for her that day. Even a small one.

“You look like you took a bath in crap.”

“Smell like it too.”

Gwen giggled.

“I heard you playing. And singing.”

“Singing yes. I’m not sure you can call what I was just doing playing though.”

Blake smirked. “Give it here.” He leaned forward, extending his hand out for the instrument. Gwen handed it over without resistance and watched as Blake set it firmly on his lap, hands coming to rest in their proper spots as he warmed up with a few chords.

“I got the jist of what you were trying to do by the little that I heard. You sing, I’ll play. Sound good?” He looked at her seriously.

Gwen nodded and picked up the paper, clearing her throat again.

 

_ Don’t hold your breath  _ __   
_ Forget you ever saw me at my best _ __   
_ You don’t deserve what you don’t respect _ __   
_ Don’t deserve what you say you love and then neglect _ __   
  


Blake stopped playing abruptly and Gwen paused, looking up. He was smiling widely. 

 

“You never fail to amaze me. I mean, I’ve been on the receiving end of one of your songs but never one like this.” 

Gwen closed her eyes at his praise. “I really feel no need to forgive him but I might as well.”

“It’d be easier not to.”

“I want easy.”

“No you don’t. We don’t wish for the easy stuff in life. We wish for the impossible. Because we’re not satisfied with simple. We think we want easy but when it is we ask for something harder. Forgiving him is about doing what’s necessary as much as it is about doing what’s difficult. Because up until now, you’ve been taking the road always traveled and it’s gotten you nowhere.”

“The road less traveled is much more lonely, Blake.”

“Stay on the train, Dove. The scenery will change.” He promised, smiling at her, and smoothing his hair back from his sweaty forehead.

“You know what? In five years, I hope all of these songs feel like covers.” She told him.

“Really?”

Gwen hummed. 

“That’s be a scary thought.”

Gwen laughed at the perturbed look on Blake’s face.

“I gotta get changed. You go take a shower, you stink.”

Blake stood up, grinning from ear to ear. “I smell like a man,” he said, then walked over to her side of the couch and leaned closer. His fingers drifted up to tickle gently over the skin of Gwen’s cheekbone, feather light. “And you, are an amazing woman.” He kissed her forehead sweetly, and Gwen closed her eyes demurely, instinctively, and tipped her head away.

“I am?” She looked in his eyes, needing that brief reassurance.

“That sounded like a question instead of a statement.” He teased her, kissing her one last time because he could before making his way inside.

All Gwen could think about as she stared at his back was the hot water Miranda was currently saving for him.

Gwen closed her eyes and sighed.

 

&

 

It started with a flower delivery. Her demise. Her irritation already starting for the day. But she should have expected that. It was Miranda’s birthday. Blake never failed to be a sweetheart when it came to the women he was screwing and the day God created them to allow Blake to screw them. 

She was bitter. She could admit it. She was jealous. She would not admit that.

Gwen didn't think that they started delivering flowers at seven in the morning, but pleasantly surprised, Miranda accepted the arrangement of blue orchids and greenery in a glass vase at Loretta’s as they ate breakfast with a few friends of Blake and Miranda’s. The man set them down on the table and Miranda reached for the card immediately. All that was written on the thick card stock was B.

Gwen had gotten more than that in her time with Blake’s attention. She still didn’t know how he managed to pull off the delivery since breakfast at Loretta’s was more of a backup plan.

But then that didn’t matter as the day went on because more presents were given as Gwen’s irritation grew.

At the house, Miranda settled down at the kitchen table when they both spotted a small, white box wrapped up in a blue ribbon. It was the exact same shade as the orchids.

“Huh," Miranda muttered and grabbed the box. She looked up at Gwen but there was no fake smile, no malicious intent behind her eyes. She looked genuinely surprised and happy. Gwen stopped hating her for just a moment.

Inside were a pair of oval shaped, silver earrings. They may have looked simple, but it didn't take much for both women to figure that they were expensive.

Miranda put the lid back on and slipped the box into her pocket. “Do you know where he went?” She asked, getting up.

“I think he headed out back to check on Maggie.”

“He’s so sweet. He’s really the best.”

“Yeah, he is.”

Miranda eyed her carefully but she was still acting like a decent human being so Gwen wasn’t as bothered. When she left the kitchen in search of Blake, Gwen clutched a hand to her chest.

The ache inside didn’t stop there, though.

The day went by much the same way. Plans made, plans attended, gifts opened….more flowers, a necklace, an old antique that Miranda had been wanting for a long time, new boots, and a surprise performance at the local live music bar downtown.

Gwen followed them everywhere. She was quiet, spoke when spoken to, laughed when provoked, but otherwise, kept her mouth shut and just observed.

She observed the way Blake was around Miranda. He seemed genuinely happy as well. He was clearly wrapped around her finger and didn’t even know it.

That’s how she found herself at a table next to the woman that was taking her best friend one devilish smile at a time. Blake was up on the stage, setting up and getting ready to play her a song that would conclude his gift giving for the night. While Gwen was drinking the last of her water and lemon, she realized that she hadn’t once said “Happy Birthday” to Miranda. Gwen continued drinking.

Blake addressed the crowd several minutes later to a rambunctious round of applause. He smiled and introduced himself despite everyone already knowing who he was.

“It’s my girlfriend’s birthday today and I wanted it to end on a nice note. So Ran, this is for you.”

The band was behind him and it was such an unfamiliar sight seeing Blake play with people she’s never met before let alone knew about.

 

_ I'm in this for good forever baby _ __   
_ No more sorta kinda maybe's _ __   
_ This time, no losing balance. _ __   
_ Come what may, no matter what happens _ __   
_ No more going from this one to that one _ _   
_ __ All the way that's all that matters.

 

Blake’s lips curled up into a smile as he looked over at Miranda. 

 

_ I don't think I can take another, here today gone tomorrow lover _ __   
_ Dancing in and out of my life, not sure I could survive _ __   
_ Oh I'm no quitter, I can't take handing over my heart having somebody break it _ __   
_ This is as high as I'm flying. _ _   
_ __ This is the last love I'm trying.

 

Gwen blinked. If she had thought she could stand to see someone else with Blake, she was wrong. She never had to up until now. She knew he had other lovers, he wouldn’t be human if he didn’t. But she never met them, never had to compete with them because Blake always made himself available to her. Now, now he was stealing her appetite and robbing her sleep. Now her heartbreak was her grief and it all came in waves. 

Miranda was staring at Blake like he hung the moon and stars. And he did. Gwen’s sky was only light now because of him.

 

_ Sad and lonely I can't allow to hurt me _ __   
_ No giving into love, having it desert me _ __   
_ This time, all the way together _ __   
_ I can't tell you how important this is _ _   
_ __ Been through way too many, hits and misses, almosts, nearly forevers

 

To hear him sing about her in such a way, the way she danced in and out of his life, the way she took his heart and broke it, it was gruelling, like shards in her skin that would never leave, though perhaps in time the edges would dull. For him to tell them both that Miranda was the last love he was trying felt like death to Gwen just the same as bereavement and she knew in the quiet moments that she would undoubtedly have in the coming months, it would choke the breath from her body. 

Gwen barely registered the song ending, barely heard Blake inviting Miranda on stage to join him. She only came to when the next song started and she realized they were about to sing together.

 

_ Are we fools for rushing in? _ __   
_ 'Cause I already dread the end _ __   
_ Lonely ain't no place to start _ __   
_ I guess that's just where we are _ __   
_ Oh, how I remember well _ __   
_ The sunset on September 12th _ __   
_ I disappeared to get a drink _ __   
_ You still kept your eyes on me _ __   
  


_ Sometimes love acts out of spite _ __   
_ And good things happen over night _ _   
_ __ Can't take it slow 'cause you and I are pushin' time

 

Gwen’s gripped on the edge of the table was so tight despite the fact that her palms felt sore and burned. 

Miranda’s voice was beautiful. Simple, kind, full of the good pain that told any audience that she knew what she was singing about. Gwen wouldn’t have minded except they clearly wrote the song together. It was good. The lyrics were real, the emotion prevalent. She thought she was the only person Blake could really write with but she was wrong.

 

_ I didn't plan on falling fast _ __   
_ I didn't know I could be kissed like that _ __   
_ Now I'm trading miles for minutes _ __   
_ This bed's too big without you in it _ __   
  


_ Sometimes love acts out of spite _ __   
_ And good things happen over night _ __   
_ Can't take it slow 'cause you and I are pushin' time _ _   
_ __ You and I are pushin' time

 

She saw the way Blake’s nails dug deep into the corroded strings to give himself a better grasp, to give himself one more hope that he would succeed. A tear rolled down Gwen’s cheek, to see that he had found someone he believed he could have a second chance at life and love with. 

 

_ And they say only time can tell _ __   
_ You already know me well _ __   
_ If it has to end in tears _ _   
_ __ I hope it's in 60 years

 

This heartbreak in particular, felt cold. It felt like concrete drying in her chest. It was unexpected, as they always are. Everyone’s felt on top of the world one minute and cut down the next. But Gwen felt inadequate for the first time in her life. There’s only so many times you can have your heart broken until it starts healing the wrong way, until it starts healing with the person you love the most on the outside. 

Gwen felt one tear fall down her face and quickly wiped it away as she clapped with the rest of the bar. Blake and Miranda shared a kiss before they both made their way over to her. Blake smiled at Gwen but she didn’t have the heart to return it. He looked at her concerned.

“You alright?”

She nodded.

Blake was satisfied with her half grin but Miranda wasn’t.

“Hey why don’t you get up there and sing?” He suggested.

Gwen shook her head. “No, I’m good. That’s too hard to follow.”

“C’mon Gwen. It’ll be fun. We’ll get you to sing a country song.” He urged her.

“Blake, I’m fine. Really.”

“I’ll sing with you.” Miranda piped up.

This time when Gwen did look at her, she had that sparkle in her eyes that told Gwen she really didn’t like her.

“It’s really okay, guys.”

“For my birthday? Please,” Miranda begged innocently.

Gwen wanted to smack her.

“She’ll pick something you know.” Blake encouraged her.

Gwen really saw no way of getting out of it without disappointing Blake and the more Gwen thought about it, the more she wanted to show Miranda that she was Gwen Stefani and she wouldn’t be intimidated when it came to music, regardless of the genre.

So, Gwen followed her up to the stage and let her pick a song, praying and hoping that it was something Gwen was familiar with. When Reba came on, she almost audibly sighed with relief into the microphone.

Miranda had never even met Reba. Gwen had, lots of times through the years with Blake by her side and sometimes with him not. But the song Miranda chose had her wondering what the girl’s intentions were. ‘Does she Love you’ was a classic and Gwen found herself being able to relate to both women in the song.

Miranda gestured for her to start, so Gwen took Reba’s part.

 

_ I've known about you for a while now _ __   
_ When he leaves me he wears a smile now _ __   
_ As soon as he's away from me _ __   
_ In your arms is where he wants to be _ __   
  


Miranda smirked at her before she took over. 

 

_ But you're the one he rushes home to _ __   
_ You're the one he gave his name to _ __   
_ I never see his face in the early morning light _ __   
_ You have his mornings, his daytimes _ __   
_ And sometimes I have his nights _ __   
  


Gwen joined her. 

__   
_ But does he love you (does he love you) _ __   
_ Like he loves me (like he loves me) _ __   
_ Does he think of you (does he think of you) _ __   
_ When he's holding me _ __   
_ And does he whisper (does he whisper) of his fantasies _ __   
_ Does he love you (does he love you) like he's been lovin' me _ __   
__   
Miranda looked over to Blake as she sang. 

 

_ But when he's with me, he says he needs me _ __   
_ And that he wants me, that he believes in me _ __   
  


Gwen chanced a look at Blake. He had been staring at Miranda but stopped on Gwen when he saw her staring back. Gwen sang to him. 

 

_ And when I'm in his arms, oh he swears there's no one else _ __   
_ Is he deceiving me, or am I deceiving myself? _ __   
__   
_ But does he love you (does he love you) _ __   
_ Like he loves me (like he loves me) _ __   
_ Does he think of you (does he think of you) _ __   
_ When he's holding me _ __   
_ And does he whisper (does he whisper) of his fantasies _ __   
_ Does he love you (does he love you) like he's been lovin' me _ __   
__   
Gwen and Miranda both looked at each other again. 

 

_ Oh shouldn't I lose my temper _ __   
  


Gwen couldn’t help but feel like she had every right to. 

 

_ Oh and shouldn't I be ashamed _ __   
  


Miranda had nothing to be ashamed of. 

 

_ Cause I have everything to lose _ __   
  


Gwen did. 

 

_ And I, I have nothing to gain _ __   
  


Miranda didn’t. 

__   
_ But does he love you (does he love you) _ __   
_ Like he loves me (like he loves me) _ __   
_ Does he think of you (does he think of you) _ __   
_ When he's holding me _ __   
_ And does he whisper (does he whisper) of his fantasies _ _   
_ __ Does he love you (does he love you) like he's been lovin' me

 

Gwen was breathing heavily by the time the song ended, emotions heightened and anxiety levels through the roof. 

The crowd cheered for them both and Gwen didn’t bother to stay and bask in the love as she ran off stage and through the bar to the exit.

She heard her name being called but she didn’t stop until hands actually forced her to turn around.

Blake was staring at her wildly, eyes filled with so much concern and confusion that Gwen had to look away.

“Gwen, what—where are you going?”

“Home.”

Blake’s jaw tensed. “What happened in there?” 

Gwen scoffed. “You tell me?”

“I don’t understand what’s going on.”

“This isn’t a game for me, Blake.”

“It’s not to me either.”

“I don’t appreciate your girlfriend rubbing it in my face that I lost you. I don’t take that well.” 

“She’s not—she’s young, Gwen. She knows our history, hell everyone does. Can you blame her, really?”

“I didn’t come here for—” She stopped before he could catch her in a lie.

“For…? You didn’t come here for sex?” He asked slowly and quietly, the word ‘sex’ weighing heavily on his tongue. “Because you only ever show up at my door for that specifically.”

“I didn’t. Not this time.”

“So what for then? To talk?”

Gwen sighed deeply. “To tell you that I love you. To tell you that I made a mistake—so many. To be with you. Because I need you. And I wanted you to know that.”

Blake shook his head.

“I didn’t intend to do anything about it but then I saw you. I saw  _ you,  _ Blake.” Gwen contradicted herself when she stepped in closer, not even seeming to realize it. “I just thought I should acknowledge what’s going on here. To be fair.” Gwen felt Blake’s eyes flicker across her body. “There are just some things that people have a right to know.”

Blake laughed darkly. “That’s rich coming from you, Gwen.”

She deserved that. “I didn’t mean for it to be this way,” Gwen admitted, more to herself than to Blake.

“But you wanted me in that way? That’s why you came? Not because he didn’t want you but because I’ve always wanted you?”

Gwen felt lost in so many ways, even though what she wanted was right in front of her. His mind and body were pulling her in too many different directions, simultaneously. “It’s not right. I see that now. You’re happy with Miranda. You’re doing better with her by your side.”

“But you want to be the one in her place.”

It wasn’t a question. And Gwen couldn’t give him a response. Blake nodded.

“Okay. I get it. You can’t. I’ll go,” Blake said, wanting there to remain at least a semblance of respect and understanding with one another. Blake moved towards the doors, but as he passed the woman standing between him and the bar, an arm hooked around his waist. Blake ground his teeth trying to contain himself.

“Fuck, do you want me or not?” He finally demanded, inches from Gwen’s face.

“Yes!” She yelled for him.

Blake was having trouble finding his breath. He searched Gwen’s eyes for a moment. He blinked and shook his head briefly. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Gwen was taken back by his response.

“Blake—”

“I was here all these years. Right here, Gwen. And now that I have someone else you want me.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is and you know it is. Fuck.” He stepped away from her, running a hand down his face. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” He took his hands away and looked at her madly. “What am I supposed to tell Miranda, huh?”

“Nothing—just—nothing. I came here, I ruined everything. Don’t let me ruin this—”

“You didn’t ruin anything. I did. You think I didn’t know what I was doing when I met her? I love you, Gwen. Every time you want me I come running. I knew this. I knew that when I got involved with her.”

“Then tell her that you’re sorry. That you’re an asshole. That you can’t possibly make any of this right but you know one day it will be.”

“I’m a selfish son-of-a-bitch for wanting you.”

Gwen took a step forward and wrapped a hand around his neck, hand pushing into his curls.

“I love you, Blake.”

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, leaning up into her touch.

“No more running.” He said in a quiet voice.

Gwen shook her head. “I’m not going anywhere—anymore—unless it’s with you.”

“God, don’t say stuff like that unless you mean it.”

“I mean it. I do.”

Unwilling to move her hand from the back of Blake’s neck, Gwen clumsily worked at his shirt buttons with her left hand. She was shaking. When she was unsuccessful, she simply slid her hand up Blake’s shirt and ran her fingertips across a nipple before landing on his heart.

“I love you. I’m gonna keep saying it until you believe me.”

Gwen tipped her head up to look at Blake properly. He was looking up, his chin was in the air, throat exposed, chest slowly heaving. Regardless his state of dress, there was something truly naked about him in that moment. He wasn’t usually so self-aware but he never lost himself to any moment. Ever. Gwen loved seeing him that way, completely open.

“Miranda—I can’t.”

Gwen knew what he was trying to say. Before they did or spoke of anything else, he needed to tell Miranda.

Gwen removed her hands from Blake’s body with a great deal of effort. Blake took several moments to calm himself down.

“When?” She asked.

“It’s her birthday.”

Gwen winced, feeling like a truly terrible person for taking someone’s love away on their special day.

“But I can’t wait another night to have you.” He told her.

Gwen latched onto his pinky finger and squeezed. “I am sorry.”

Blake nodded. “We should head back inside.”

“Okay.”

He gestured for her to walk first and Gwen obeyed. When his hand found her back, she smiled. When he leaned down to whisper in her ear, her heart beat louder than it ever had before.

“I love you too.”

 


	9. B, my baby, and me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I’ve decided to extend this story to thirteen chapters since I want to be able to do things and finish things a certain way. I hope you guys don’t mind. This chapter is shorter than the other ones because I wanted to give you guys something before we really went into the rest of the story. There’s still a lot ahead so just a warning. Hope you guys like this one.

Gwen was worried.

She looked over to Blake, who was very studiously not looking at her, keeping his gaze fixed on the bright lights outside their car as he drove them through the quiet city streets. 

Gwen had been visiting Blake’s sister, Endy, and her family for the past two hours. After the bar, Blake dropped Gwen off while he drove Miranda home. The younger woman was confused, probably thinking she’d be spending the night at Blake’s to end her birthday. Gwen felt like she was murdering the girl. It was extreme, but it was how she felt. Regardless of her feelings, Miranda didn’t deserve what Blake was planning to do. Breaking up with someone on their birthday was terrible, and going home with your ex on the very same day was absolutely horrific. Something that Blake took no pleasure in doing and had clearly been bothering him ever since he picked her back up.

He had been shorter in his temper with his sister and her kids, quick to brush off Endy’s questions and ending the little reunion as soon as he was able to without appearing overly rude.

“Did everything go okay with Miranda?” She asked quietly, but even her own voice sounded loud to her ears.

“Define okay.”

He was mad.

“I could have waited for—we didn’t have to—I could have waited.” Was all she could settle on.

Blake scoffed. “No you couldn’t.” He finally looked over at her. “Because I couldn’t.”

She didn’t push the issue any further.

When they arrived home, Blake got out of the car and walked away. Gwen hustled to catch up to him as he strode forward with a determined step.

He unlocked the door in silence. Walked up the stairs in silence. Started the bath in silence. Poured himself a drink in silence. Checked his phone in silence.

Blake continued to avoid her gaze, his face set hard, like he was concentrating so hard on internalising whatever was still bothering him that he couldn’t bear to move a muscle, lest it escape without his consent. Gwen reached over and slid her fingers around Blake’s wrist. He didn’t shrug her off and Gwen couldn’t help her exhale of relief but nor did he look at her when she did, smile or relax in any visible way.

The next second, his phone rang, and Blake answered it, moving out of the kitchen and up the stairs, unbuttoning his shirt as he went.

He forgot his drink.

Gwen sighed and waited to follow him up. She drank a glass of water and sat down at the kitchen island. She put her head in her hands and prayed. And when she asked God all that she needed to, she finally headed in the same path he took to the bedroom. She was about to ask what was really bothering on his mind but when she saw him it stopped her immediately.

She hesitated in the door frame, leaning against the solid wood and taking in the sight before her. Blake was sitting on the edge of his bed. He had shed his crisp navy blue shirt, left it in a heap on the floor, and his boots and socks, leaving him in a plain white undershirt, twenty dollar pants and bare feet. Blake looked up from where he was slowly toying with the edge of his phone case. His dark lashes brimmed heavy with tears; his hands clenched into shaking fists the next second, no longer having anything to occupy them. He refused to look away, even as his shoulders trembled slightly.

Gwen didn’t need to see the muscles of his chin starting to tremble like a small child to know that it was happening. He was on the verge of crying and Gwen felt it innately.

“Blake...What’s wrong? What happened?”

He took a moment to answer but when he did it was strained. “I was patient with you.” He spoke like a burning rage was hissing through his body. A deadly poison laced in his throat. “I was careful,” he continued. “And I was always there. I never once complained about being your safety net. And that makes me pathetic. Miranda was right.”

“Blake—”

“I feel like I wouldn’t like me if I met me. I feel like I’m a horrible person, Gwen. What I just did to her?....and now my mom—” He choked off, looking back down to his hands.

Gwen was confused. She stepped further into the bedroom but stopped at Blake’s sharp glare. When Gwen stepped back, he exhaled, placing his elbows on his knees and resting his head in his hands, physically exhausted.

“I don't think I'm okay.” He murmured. “I hate myself. And I don't—I don't like hating people. But I just put all my hate on me so I don't have to hate anybody else. So that I can be a good person.” He looked up. “To my mother and my friends. To you. And look what I just did? I just hurt someone deeply and what do I have to show for it? You? My daughter halfway across the world? I don’t even see her. I’ve got a drinking problem that I want to go away but I can’t afford to lose. Deacon screwed me. I have no best friend. I have no girlfriend now. I don’t even have a mom anymore. Where did waiting for you get me? Can you tell me?” Blake demanded, and there was something desperate in his voice that Gwen had never heard before.

She was hurting for him. But she was also slightly offended that she wasn’t more of a consolation to his grief but couldn’t dwell on it for long because his words had suddenly caught up to her.  _ Really  _ caught up to her.

_ I don’t even have a mom anymore. _

“Blake. Who were you on the phone with?” Gwen asked cautiously.

Blake looked toward the window, as if the moonlight could soothe him. There was static in his head, a side effect of the constant fear, constant stress he lived with.

“She was sleeping.” His voice was so quiet that Gwen strained to hear the words. But she got them. She got them and she didn’t know what to do with them.

The fact that he had a lot being thrown at him all at once and all he could make sense of it was that God was punishing him. That somehow his mother dying had everything to do with Blake and the decisions he’s made, new and old. His anger wasn’t misguided, but his pain was.

She heard his sounds then, like a distressed child, raw from the inside. That’s what death did to people. It took something out of them they didn't know they had left to give. It's like a theft of the spirit, an injury no other person could see.

Gwen went to him and out of complete silence the cry arose. Out of complete reverence the things of the world stilled to listen. Blake fell from the bed to his knees right in front of her, slumped over himself. She didn’t even think before she followed him down, pulling his head close to her. He sobbed into her chest unceasingly, hands clutching at her shirt. She held him in silence, rocking him slowly as his tears soaked her clothes and skin.

His pain came in waves, minutes of sobbing broken apart by short pauses for recovering breaths, before he realized, before he really let the reality of the situation sink in. And then he pierced the air in a way Gwen’s never heard atoms splitting.

The scream was the kind of sound that bypassed your logical thinking and went directly to your emotional response. High pitched and raw, it was the sound of a child in pain. That’s what he was now. He was no longer the man she held and tasted earlier. He was a child. His skin craved the comfort of his mother. He needed her scent, the movement of her body and the feeling of his feet leaving the ground for the safety of her arms. She was a poor replacement for what he truly wanted in that moment.

So he screamed for her.

It was his only form of communication. The only way he could really express rawly what he felt. It was the most pure way one soul could ask another for help.

He was atomizing before her eyes and she was helpless to stop it.

So while he screamed, she held on—to him, to her faith, to the ground—trying and failing to not let it swallow them whole.

It was several hours that she sat there with him. They found themselves lying on the floor, faces pressed together once his cries subsided. He fell asleep not too long ago with the soft pressure of Gwen’s hand on the back of his neck, moving back and forth in soothing motions. His breath was even, his face puffy and pink from the efforts of his grief. Gwen had never seen anything so beautiful in her life. She loved him completely, regardless of whatever he faced. She had been selfish throughout the years. He was a perfect star and she had left him there in space all by himself. He was willing to shine brighter than any other person for her and she was willing to settle for a black hole all these years.

He deserved better.

She would give him better.

In the distance, she heard Blake’s phone ringing. She couldn’t hear anything the same after hearing of Dot’s passing. The woman was Blake’s everything, next to her. She was a beautiful woman that always treated Gwen like a daughter despite Gwen never committing to be one. Gwen felt ashamed of that. She felt ashamed that she had kept one of her grandchildren from her all of these years knowing that’s all she ever really asked of Blake. She should have visited more. And now she was gone.

Gwen wouldn’t cry over her mistakes. Blake needed her. She would not put herself above his needs. Not this time. Not ever again.

Gwen focused on her love once more, tracing a nail down his chest as it rose softly up and down. He was shivering minutely and Gwen frowned. She quietly got up and retrieved a blanket from his wardrobe. She laid it neatly over his tall frame and contemplated grabbing a pillow as well seeing the odd angle of his neck on the floor but thought it might wake him up. He needed the rest like he needed his mother alive and well. And since he couldn’t have both, Gwen had to make sure he got the former.

She didn’t lay back down once she felt comfortable enough to leave Blake. She grabbed his phone and went downstairs. Sinking into Blake’s plush leather couch was a saving grace. While there, she scrolled through his phone, laughing at how predictable his password was to unlock it. It was Lilith’s birthday and she wondered when he changed it exactly. Knowing Blake, it was something he did before he got shitfaced and knew he’d remember it now that it held such an important significance unlike it did before.

Gwen scrolled through the missed calls list. He had a couple from Deacon, the nurse at Dot’s home, Endy, even one from Miranda. Gwen knew Deacon was on the emergency list of numbers in case anything happened. He was most likely calling to make sure Blake hadn’t done anything stupid after the news or to see if he even managed to take the call yet. Endy was probably panicking or distraught, most likely both.

Gwen sent both Deacon and Endy a text from Blake’s phone, hopefully putting their minds at ease that Blake was okay and that tomorrow would be a new day to figure everything out. She realized while she was typing that she hadn’t had any contact with her own family since the day before.

Kingston was the only one of her children to have texted her. And since Apollo was basically communicating with Gwen through King, she guessed that counted, barely.

Gwen would be lying if she said it still didn’t sting when she thought of Lilith’s lack of communication with her. But their daughter was still mad, understandably so. Gwen would let it be what it was until it suddenly wasn’t anymore.

Gwen texted King back and intentionally annoyed the rest of the messages and missed calls. Some were from her publicist, her close friends, even more from Gavin. She rolled her eyes and turned off her phone, pulling the blanket still left on the couch over her. She ended up falling asleep that way, curled in the small nook of the cushions, warm and content.

 

&

 

Gwen woke up sometime early in the morning. When the world seems like it’s stopped and you’re the only person on it. 

She rubbed at her tired eyes and stood up groggily. The house was quiet and when Gwen entered Blake’s bedroom to find him still asleep, she smiled to herself. His body and lower back specifically was going to give him hell later for being on the floor. She made a mental note to have Motrin for him and breakfast when he was ready to get up.

Gwen decided to lay down next to him but she propped herself up on her elbow and studied Blake’s face in the moonlight. He was frowning. His jaw was clenched, so hard Gwen could see the stark relief of a tightly flexed tendon in his cheek. His dreams must have been bad. She felt a pang and made another note to give him some nighttime tea before he went to bed the next night.

Gwen reached out and tried to smooth the tension across his brow—Blake was normally a heavy sleeper—at least that’s how Gwen always remembered him to be—and Gwen should be able to do things like that without him stirring. Tonight, though, he jolted and lurched up like he was ready to defend himself, and she yanked back just in case he came up swinging. For a moment, it seemed like a distinct possibility.

They stared at each other for a beat in surprise, and then Blake swore, "Jesus Christ!” Blake’s hand pressed against his heart; it was probably racing. Gwen’s was. "Scared the shit out of me."

“I’m sorry," Gwen said.

Blake eventually laid back down. He grinded his teeth as he stared up at the ceiling.

“You okay?”

He gave her a jerky nod.

"You want to talk about it?"

"What’s there to talk about other than you waking me up at fuck knows in the goddamn morning." Gwen’s eyebrows shot up. Blake didn't talk to her that way. Only when he was drunk did he have the capacity to be truly awful. That kind of venom had no place anywhere. It seemed to occur to Blake at the exact same time. "Sorry.” He winced. “That was.... I'm just...." At a loss for words, which was absolutely heartbreaking because Blake always knew what to say even when he didn’t. 

She reached out and touched Blake. "Hey. I want you to talk to me but when you’re ready.”

Blake didn’t answer her or really even look at her. But he pulled her in tight and held her there as if she could be ripped away from him in an instance. She supposed she could.

Gwen nearly fell asleep, in spite of the tension in Blake’s body; she was tired for him. She had been skating along the blurry edge of it when Blake said, "She didn’t even get to meet her as my daughter."

He sounded wide awake and somehow...off, and he was broaching a subject that was sensitive to them both, so Gwen dragged herself back towards consciousness.

"That was my fault." Gwen hesitated in saying. 

“Mine too. I could have brought her out here. She asked me to so many times but I just...I didn’t know how to do it.” He felt compelled to admit, "Being a father there is easier than being one here.”  

Gwen pulled away from his chest to look at him. “You had five months. I had fifteen years.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Blake studied her as she disagreed. It did matter. Time was a scarce idea. To have plenty of it only to watch it waste away was a shame. She knew that now.  _ Saw  _ that now.

“I don’t know how you can ever forgive me.”

He looked at her oddly and then settled a hand in her hair. “I told you. I already have.”

Gwen looked at the honest expression in his dark blue eyes and traced his lip lightly with the tip of her finger. It pouted slightly, and she had such an urge to bite it, to kiss it, to wrap them up in a cloud and listen to their gentle breathing. His lip felt slightly chapped under her feather light touches and she gazed so intently at each divot of his mouth, as if it could map out ancient seas and giver her all the answers that she’s been searching for.

Blake’s eyes drifted down to her own lips and he took his time closing the distance. Gwen was quiet and she didn’t try to bridge the gap, even when their mouths were just inches apart. The hand that was in her hair was on her throat now. Unlike his, her eyes were bright and focused. 

The kiss was a press of lips, and their eyes stayed open. The second wasn’t much more before Blake pulled away again. But the third hurt in such a way that Gwen couldn’t breathe. It was deep, their eyes closed, and their skin latching onto one another in a painful way. 

Her hand slid from the notch of Blake’s waist around his back, fisting in his shirt and bringing them that much closer, and Blake hummed. His own hand, the one on her throat, stroked back down Gwen’s side and hip, before grabbing her ass. 

They broke apart for air but Blake started sucking bites under her jaw, fingers slipping down under the waist of her pants.

Gwen took a deep breath and pushed Blake away.

“I need you to stop." She told him. 

Blake’s face fell. "What?"

“Your mother just died. You just broke up with Miranda. And while I wanted this earlier, when something that tragic happens, people don’t make smart decisions.”

“Are you saying you’re not a smart decision?”

“I’m saying I’m not the best decision. At least not right now. I don’t want our first time to be like this.”

“It’s not our first time.”

“Yes, it is.” Gwen rolled over and Blake moved enough to slot up behind her. She grabbed his arm while he threw the blanket over their waists. “It’s the first time to start our forever.”

Blake’s breath hitched, catching up to her words. When they did decide to do it, it would be to start their new lives. Gwen would get a divorce. Gavin would move out, and even though she’s not sure if Blake would want to live in her old house, they’d figure it out. Because they would finally be together.

She squeezed his arm when she felt lips pressed against the back of her neck. She sighed, feeling content, knowing that even if everything wasn’t right in the world, the world was doing right by her in that exact moment.

She thought they had nothing left to say until the morning. But Blake breathed against her, whispering the next second as to not disrupt the air.

“Gwen?”

She hummed.

“Can you do me a favor?”

She nodded slowly, on the verge of falling into dreams she’s never allowed herself to conceive.

“Sing me to sleep.”

It was such a simple request, one she hadn’t partaken in several years.

“Okay.” She whispered back.

There was no music to hide her voice’s imperfections, her lyrical flaws. So she sang a song he didn’t know. A song she’d written right around the time Lilith was due to enter the world and their hearts.

 

_ Sat inside a railway station _ __   
_ Drinking a cup of coffee on my own _ __   
_ Listening to the strangest conversation _ __   
_ About children and holidays and Rome _ __   
  


Blake moved closer against her with a long exhale and a kiss against her shoulder. 

 

_ Last night I sat inside a bar room _ __   
_ And I was thinking 'bout my childhood home _ __   
_ I think I need to talk to mama _ _   
_ __ 'Cause I'm about to have child all of my own

 

Fingers traced the edge of her collarbone. 

 

_ And I hope I'm as brave as my mother _ __   
_ Wondering what kind of mother will I be? _ __   
_ I hope she knows that I found a man close to my father _ _   
_ __ B, my baby, and me

 

Gwen turned slightly on her back, looking up over her shoulder, and pushed in for a kiss as soon as she saw the realization on Blake’s face.

It was just a simple press of mouths, eyes open and too close, long enough to feel a puff of air from Blake’s nose on her cheek as he exhaled. She sang against his lips. 

 

_ And I've been thinking about my husband _ __   
_ Then sixteen, the only love I've known _ __   
_ And I could place no one above him _ __   
_ So beautiful and so naive alone _ __   
  


She pulled away to tuck her face into Blake’s throat and Blake smelled exactly the same, wrapped around her, running his hand up and down Gwen’s back.

 

_ I've not even called my family _ __   
_ About the life that's 'bout to find me home _ __   
_ For many years, the lights would blind me _ __   
_ But now I find they only want to lead me home _ __   
  


She looked up as he leaned away to meet her eyes.

 

_ And I hope I'm as brave as my mother _ __   
_ Wondering what kind of mother will I be? _ __   
_ Hope she knows that I found a man close to my father _ __   
_ B, my baby, and me _ __   
  


He smiled a little, tracing her jaw with his thumb. 

 

_ It's just B, my baby, and me _ __   
  


Gwen slid her own hand up the back of Blake’s neck into his hair and rubbed, gently. “You’re supposed to be asleep.” 

Blake’s eyes slid shut and he breathed out a sigh. When his eyes opened again, they were warmer, and he curled into Gwen. “Sleep,” She murmured again. Blake grinned but shut his eyes and kept them closed.

A night can go a thousand different ways. The one she wanted helped lull her to bed. And she dreamed of nothing but blue and grey.


	10. Freedom

“When’s the wedding?” 

Gwen carried the leftover dishes from tonight’s dinner into the kitchen, piling them into the sink for her to wash later with Endy.

She was standing there, dress rumpled, face puffy, wiping down the wet counter when her father asked the question.

“That’s not funny.”

“No. But when is it?”

Setting down a plate, a little heavier than she intended to, she kept her eyes low.

“I’m still married, Dad. He just buried his mother four hours ago. When do you think the wedding is?”

“He won’t ask, so you have to.” There was a pause, but Gwen had learnt that typically meant a continuation was being formulated. “Are you worried about disappointing your mother?”

That caused her to stop and turn. “Mom? I’m worried about disappointing myself. Disappointing my children. But I can live with all of that. What I can’t live with...is disappointing him. Not again. Not this time.”

Dennis held her gaze for a beat and then nodded, the corner of his lips twitching up as he stared at his daughter.

“Can you see a future with him?”

“That’s not what’s holding me back. I see every future with him. I just don’t know which one I’m going to get and that scares me. He scares me. Doing this, finally, after everything....”

Her father stared at her with all the compassion and understanding in the world before walking the rest of the way to pull her into his arms. She melted there instantly, hugging him tightly.

“Give me the answers already, please, Dad.”

Dennis laughed in her hair, the puff of breath tickling the side of her cheek as she pulled away. He leaned in and kissed her forehead. “Well, let me ask you this. Have you ever looked at Blake...and felt nothing?”

Gwen didn’t shake her head immediately. She didn’t dispel his doubt. She didn’t make a hasty retreat, conjure up some premature excuse to distract him or discourage her own self from giving anything but an honest answer. But she knew she could have answered her father in an instant. She knew the truth. She knew herself and she knew Blake.

“No.”

She was looking at her feet when she said it. Her eyes drifted up to Dennis and she repeated herself. “No, I never have.”

He smiled that familiar smile that always comforted her when she was a little girl. “Then I think you have your answer right there.”

He kissed her one last time before retreating back to the sitting room. Gwen watched him go, letting out a deep breath as she tossed the towel on the counter. She had her answer but she didn’t exactly know the question that it belonged to.

 

&

 

Gavin’s crossing of Blake’s threshold, coat in one hand, Blake’s baseball cap in the other, was a momentous occasion in more than one respect. She knew that her love had made the decision early on that his house was to be—with the now notable exception of Miranda—private, only for family, and not just any family but chosen family: Gwen, then her kids. The thought, perhaps, had not occurred, or had not been fully computed, that people could be expelled one minute and permitted the next. 

Gwen, along with the rest of the wake guests, had greeted Deacon, Gavin, and Kurt outside after the latter's muted green Chevrolet sedan rolled up to the garage.

Blake had kissed her goodbye in private earlier before taking his truck and letting her know he was going ‘out.’ Gwen let him, knowing the funeral had been a lot for him, and the wake was going to be even more. There were so many people coming and going, trying to offer their condolences. People that Blake wasn’t expecting to encounter, Gavin and probably Miranda being some of them.

When his twenty minute trip turned into a whole hour, she started to panic. Her nerves got the better of her right around the time Gavin’s plane landed. He was coming to take Lilith and Apollo back home after the funeral.

When her husband had arrived at Blake’s house, Gwen was already talking to Deacon and Kurt, the two men already preparing to go find their friend. Gavin had immediately offered his help, to her surprise.

“Where was he?” Gwen asked to no one in particular as soon as the men got out of the car.

The way Kurt had to bend himself inside to manhandle Blake out of it told her all that she needed to know. 

Gwen kept a tight lid on her emotions, but as Kurt moved Blake into the house, she betrayed them physically: relief revealed in the almost-sick greenness of her convulsive half-swallow, jealous anger in the fist clenched behind her back, longing in the way the angle of her body swiveled to keep Blake at its center. Deacon held the door open for them, but she was the one to lead the way to the bedroom.

She could feel the eyes of everyone, staring and silently judging the horror of the situation. Gwen hated it. Blake didn’t deserve it. His mother just died, and she knows what emotional trauma does to him. She knows how easy it is for him to spill a bottle versus spilling a couple of tears.

“Mom..”

Gwen turned around at her daughter’s voice. “Lilith, just stay out here. I’ll be out in a second.”

Blake was easily, though not painlessly, settled onto the bed. Her mother had followed them inside the room, helping to arrange a stack of pillows under Blake’s head. Gwen was vaguely aware of the bodies in the room, Deacon, Kurt, her mother, Gavin...but she didn’t care. Her aching need to touch Blake was obvious. So she kissed him on the forehead tenderly, sitting on the edge of the bed to run a soft hand through his sweaty curls.

Blake’s droopy eyelids came to life at her touch, and he looked at her steadily for a solid minute before succumbing to the alcohol’s shakes and dreariness.

Gwen could see how much he was hurting, physically and emotionally. She kissed Blake on the mouth to send him all her love, pressing hard, both hands holding him in place.

Blake breathed against her lips, “I think you’re beautiful,” he slurred softly, as if this were just any kiss, just any moment, just any afternoon greeting. But there were tears in his eyes as if to show her how sorry he was.

“You could have died. Anytime you leave me like that, to do this...” She gestured to his entire sunken body.

Gwen bent again to kiss his mouth, though, gentle, just for the pleasure and truth of contact, the reassurance that he was in her arms and alright.

“I didn’t.” Blake lifted a shaky hand to her cheek, soothing. “I won’t.”

“Not today. Not soon.”

Blake nodded and pulled Gwen down for another kiss, longer, stretching through moment after moment until the tension started to release from her spine.

Someone cleared their throat and Gwen parted from his mouth long enough to feel the emptiness creep back in.

“You need to sleep this off. I’m gonna go take care of everything and I’ll come back later to check on you.”

Gwen moved to stand up but Blake’s hand wrapped around her wrist tightly. She looked down at his handsome, crumpled face.

“Sleep. I’m not going anywhere.”

He let her go.

Gwen was the last to leave as everyone filed out, giving Blake’s ankle a squeeze, his leg a pat, his cheek a kiss as they passed the alcoholic on the bed.

Gwen was forced to console her daughter right after she re-entered the living room.

That was how the rest of the day went. She comforted, answered questions to the best of her ability, cleaned up, hosted, broke down crying by herself in the kitchen until someone needed their glass refilled. She would take a minute to check on Blake to see if he was still breathing, bless him.

It was late by the time she finally let the last of the guests out. Her family and friends had helped her clean up before leaving for their respective hotels. Only her children, parents, and Gavin had an extended invitation to stay.

Gwen was just coming down from putting her daughter to bed. Kingston was outside on the phone talking with Mark, Apollo was listening to music in one of the guest rooms, Zuma was playing a late game of checkers with Gavin, and her parents had went to sleep early, exhausted from the day and plane ride.

Gwen walked through the kitchen one last time, running her fingers through her hair and enjoying the tingles to her scalp as she regained her solitude and her self. She set the small dish tray that Miranda had brought over on the counter for tomorrow. She hadn’t talked to the woman much, a quick and polite hello, and thank you for coming. She didn’t really know what to say to her other than that she was sorry and that her coming to support Blake after everything that had happened was absolutely amazing.

“Whoever made the pie did a good job.” 

Gwen jumped with a gasp as she spun around to the voice.   
  
Sitting in a chair at the table, silhouetted against the half-light from the window, was Blake. 

“You scared the shit out of me! What the hell are you doing?”

He sat with his right ankle resting over his left thigh, his hands hanging down on either side of the chair. He shrugged. “Eating.” 

“That’s not cute. You should be resting.” 

He was unperturbed. “I already did. Slept it off. I was hungry.” 

She said nothing. She didn’t move, just looked at him steadily.

“Gwen.”

She crossed her arms, her heart rate settling slowly. She smelt that aroma which had wrapped its way around her when they were younger and living together. It was how he smelled every time he came out of the shower. She hadn’t noticed his wet hair before. He must have washed up while she was checking on everyone and everything. 

“Well I guess I can be pissed now that you’re sober to see it.” 

“You can’t be pissed at a guy for having a few drinks after he just buried his mother.” 

Her fingers curled into fists at his presumption and arrogance. “Don’t make me have this argument with you.”

He pouted but said nothing. He was wearing a plain white shirt, exposed at the neck. She noted his broad shoulders, relaxed but full of pain.

“I was worried. You always worry me.” She said.   
  
“I said I was sorry.” 

“No. You said I was beautiful.”

He gave her a look. “I’m sorry, Gwen.” 

“Yeah.” Me too, she thought. She needed something to busy herself with other than his guilt, so she went about the kitchen putting a few last minute things away. 

“Are you going back to California tomorrow with the kids?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought it over.”

“He would want that.”

She closed the fridge a little harder than necessary. “Don’t start. He’s here because I thought I might stay for at least a couple more days.”

“Yeah.”  

“You have a right to be jealous but you don’t have a right to question me,” she said, daring him.

He gave a slight shrug. “Everything’s up in the air at this point. What else am I supposed to do? Sit here and wait for you? Oh wait, I did that already.” 

“Don’t be mean. This wasn’t going to be easy for any of us and I can’t do it on my own. I told you I’m yours. Nothing’s changed.”

“Everything’s changed.”    
  
She stood silently, staring down at him, feeling like he was tightening a lid on something that would remain trapped forever.   
  
“What are you saying?” 

He looked down and shrugged. She wanted to hit him, evoke another response than the shifting of his shoulders as if he couldn’t care less.

She looked at his chest though, how it rose and fell more rapidly than it should for a man of calm imperturbability, and his eyes did not waver from hers. He was dreadfully handsome and dreadfully complex. 

She hated him for it in that moment, but here he was, living and heady and real. He could have kicked the bottle years ago but God wanted him to be there. He wanted them to be there together, she was sure of it. 

She took a step towards him. It seemed to take him aback at first as she saw his eyes flare. 

“I’m not giving you up. Not ever again.” She told him.

Blake shrugged. He fucking  _ shrugged.  _ He stood up painstakingly slow and regarded her with so much love and devotion that she was afraid it would rip her to shreds.

“I’d wait for you forever. You know that. So go home.”

“Blake—”

He pressed a kiss to her cheek and then another one in her hair. “I love you. I’m letting you go. Don’t make me beg you to stay.”

He gave her one last kiss on the lips before walking out. When his footsteps stop echoing, Gwen gave herself a moment of pure relief, a moment she was shocked by, and leaned back against the counter.

There was never a good time for them to just be them. Something was always in the way, something was always going on. They could never find each other at a time where they knew each other. It was a never ending cycle.

Blake drinking; Gwen unknowingly enabling. Blake destroying himself; Gwen assisting.

Blake had given her this: freedom from the burden of straining herself, permission to care for her own before she could leave and finally,  _ finally _ , care for him. He was allowing her to settle things with her family there before she could be here with him and the life she wanted so badly for herself. The generosity of his sacrifice striked her so sharply it clutched at her heart, stopping her breath for a moment before it moved on.

She straightened up at the last second, just in time for Zuma to come wafting through the door, proclaiming his checkers victory and asking if she could make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

She nodded and set about preparing the meal as if Blake wasn’t the best man she’s ever known. As if she wasn’t about to leave him tomorrow morning. As if her life hadn’t been completely changed—uprooted—in just a year. 

“You okay, mom?”

Her eyes snapped up to his.

She wasn’t okay. She was going to lie and say she was. But she would be, eventually. She would be when she came back for him.

She would come back for him.


	11. Forward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more guys, we're wrapping things up here but there's still some heavy stuff ahead. Gotta see the clouds to appreciate a clear sky. :)

Gwen has only reflected on her life a hand full of times. 

The summer of her daughter’s sixteenth birthday had been one of those rare occasions that she needed to take a step back and reflect on what God had given her. Last year, she had managed to leave Blake that morning with a lingering kiss. She returned back home and felt freer than she ever had before. She helped packed Gavin’s things, helped her kids say goodbye to a way of life that she and them had known for so long and trusted with every fiber in her being that everything would be okay. In the end, it wasn’t impossible. It was hard, but it was necessary.

The holidays were the most stressful for her. She had talked about spending Christmas in Oklahoma, only to spend it in L.A. because Blake just so happened to have some unfinished recording to do in California. It was good. She was surrounded by the love of her life and her children and family. It was what she wanted, but it wasn't exactly what she needed. Her and Blake had decided to keep their relationship strictly friendly when not alone. It was supposed to make them stronger, a sort of denial for the short term until they could give in in the long run.

New Year’s Eve was a different story. Kingston and Zuma spent it with friends and significant others, Apollo went to Las Vegas with one of their neighbors, and Lilith spent it with Gavin, a father-daughter weekend together. Gwen took the opportunity to travel to Nashville to spend the new year with Blake and his buddies.

That’s how the beginning of the year went. They would talk on the phone everyday, text when they needed, facetime every night, and fly out when their schedules allowed. It was a sort of backwards way to move forward, but it was really the first time that they were trying to work towards something--salvage everything.

Gwen was still trying to get her feet unwet. She needed to learn how to be Gwen again, without Gavin, and without Blake. The space, the distance Blake was giving her by loving her from afar, was how she was able to find herself again. She owed him for that.

“I can hear you thinking.” Blake murmured sleepily next to her.

Gwen smiled.

It was the middle of May and Gwen had finally sat her family down two weeks prior to his arrival and told them of the real nature of their relationship. Now he was here, finally in her bed, and she didn’t have to care if anyone came in and saw.

“I can hear you smiling.” He groaned and turned over on his back.

“You can’t hear someone smile.”  

"Only freaks greet the day with a smile," said Blake, primly, ignoring her previous comment.

"The older you get, the more grumpy you are," Gwen complained, but Blake still didn’t open his eyes to see her smiling even harder.

"This is what you chose to wake up to for the rest of your life.” The bed shifted under him as she moved. 

"Mm, yeah, you got me there," Gwen said, lavishly affectionate, and leaned over to press the conciliatory kiss to Blake’s cheek. He raised a hand to mock-irritably push her away; ended up trailing the backs of his fingers against her neck and bare chest and back as she rolled away, laughing, and abandoned their bed for the shower.

Before she got far, Blake turned over with a quick alertness like he wasn’t just past out thirty seconds ago, and grabbed her wrist, pulling her back down. Gwen fell into Blake’s mass of a pillow, her nose pressed against the warm fabric, which smelt of Blake completely. She inhaled: shampoo and aftershave and Brylcreem, common scents enough but mingled with some indefinable taste that made it unique, the Blake-ness. 

“Some people have things to do today.” She murmured.

“Yeah, yeah. We’re waking up in an hour from now. Go back to sleep.”

Gwen smiled and turned over on her side, bringing Blake’s arm with her until it wrapped around her middle and Blake’s nose was pressed against the back of her neck.

She wanted to be up before her kids but the bed was too warm and inviting, her lover too comfortable and soft. They lingered too long, and the next thing she knew was the shrill ring of her cellphone. Gwen opened her eyes and quickly found the device on the nightstand, and instantly shut it off, not caring who the caller was. She shifted her head slightly to look behind her, seeing Blake still dozing like an old dog, completely unfazed.

“Hey. I’m gonna go shower, okay?” She murmured against his plump lips.

He sniffled but otherwise kept sleeping. She bumped his nose with hers and finally left the bed.

When she got out of the shower, she put her robe on and went downstairs to make coffee. Lilith was already eating waffles at the island, some kind of tv show playing on the small screen in the corner counter.

“Hi, baby.”

“Morning Mom.”

“Where’s your brother?”

“Went to the studio with Kingston.”

Gwen hummed and filled the coffee pot with water, pouring it into the machine.

“Hey mom?”

“Yes?”

“Does Dad still love me? I mean I know he loves me but does he—do you know if he still  _ wants _ me?”

Gwen flicked the button and turned around to look at her daughter like she had grown two heads.

“You father loves you more than anything in this world. I know it’s hard with him having moved out but—”

“Not Dad. I mean  _ Dad.  _ Blake.”

Oh.

“Oh...well...why do you think he doesn’t want you?”

“Because ever since Grandma Dot’s funeral, he’s been distant. When we talk on the phone it’s like he’d rather be doing something else, and now that you’re both together, he tries not to be alone with me if he can help it.”

“Lilith...you are still the most important person in his life. I’m not even up there with you. I don’t think you realize how much your Dad loves you. He’s crazy about you.”

Her eyes were downcast, face so young to be covered in worry lines.

“It just doesn’t seem like it.”

Gwen looked at her little girl, not so little anymore. She would be sixteen soon. But staring at her now, slumped over her plate and eyes the same color as her favorite person on the earth, she saw a small child that needed reassurance. In fact, she looked just like Blake did that night he lost his mother.

“Come here.” She told Lilith.

The fifteen year old immediately went into her mother’s open arms and Gwen squeezed her so tight that she thought she might hurt her.

“I love you. You’re the most loved little girl in the world. I hope you know that.”

She nodded against her chest. “I love you more, Mom.”

“Go finish eating your breakfast and get ready.”

“Why?”

“Cause we’re going shopping.”

Lilith pulled away to look at her with the most pleased expression. “Really.”

Gwen nodded. “Girl’s day.”

“Thanks mom.”

She gave her a kiss on the forehead and let her go. She turned around to make Blake’s cup and her own. “I’m gonna be out on the porch.”

“Ok.”

The morning air was still cool, the birds still chirping, and Gwen settled in on her settee just fine. She looked around and suddenly remembered the night when Blake joined her.

And speak of the devil..He slid the door open with a grimace and walked outside.

Turning morning-grump Blake into warm and fuzzy Blake required coffee and clothing; a process of subtle alchemy combining the effects of caffeine and covering to produce the figure who she loved to sit next to and kiss within an inch of his life.

Blake cursed the morning sun while Gwen sat out on the deck with coffee and a magazine, still in her bathrobe.

"Please tell me you don’t have anything planned today," he said, stepping out into the grass with his bare feet. This early in the day still felt fresh and new-made, though promising heat was looming.

"I’m going shopping with Lilith. Why?" She asked, lazily shading her eyes with one hand as she craned back to meet Blake’s look.

"I wanted to stay in today. Cookout for the kids, invite some people over."

“We can still do that.”

He nodded and stepped over to her. Gwen thought he was going to sit down next to her but he leaned over instead to grab his cup of coffee.

“Alright. I’ll get Zuma to go to the store with me.”

“Just take Lilith when we get back. I’m sure she’d want to go.”

Blake took a sip and shook his head. “She’ll probably want to put everything in her closet and settle in when you guys get back. It’s fine. Zuma’s been asking me to hang out for awhile now.”

Gwen finally saw what Lilith was saying and she didn’t know why she hadn’t seen it before.

“Is everything okay, Blake?”

“Yeah. Why?”

“Lilith just mentioned that you’ve been...distant…”

He made a face. “No I haven’t.”

“Okay, that’s just what she said.”

He looked confused. “Well, I don’t know why she did.”

“Maybe if you sat down and talked with her—”

“I will.” He was quick to say, or maybe quick to shut her up. She couldn’t tell.  

“Alright, then.”

“Okay.”

"Hey," she said, as Blake turned to leave. "I don't get a goodbye?"

Blake huffed. "I gotta pee.”

"No, you don’t. You’re pissed off now and you don’t want to give me a kiss.” 

"Don't be cute."

"And don't be an ass. C'mere." Gwen grabbed the sleeve of Blake’s sleep shirt and dragged him back—though truthfully, of course, she wasn’t pulling with enough force to drag an entirely unwilling Blake down for a kiss.

Her mouth brushed softly across his, lips parted and she tasted coffee and toothpaste. She smiled into the kiss.

"I'll call you when I pick up Zuma," Blake said, when he made himself draw back.

"Mm," Gwen said, with a last kiss smudged across his mouth. "Drive safe."

 

&

 

Gwen fresh from the shower was one of his favorite things, all smooth cream skin, slim lines, muscle tapering down underneath a towel; the suggestion more tempting than her nudity would be.

Blake, half-dressed in jeans and a clean, unbuttoned shirt, was something Gwen couldn’t resist. She stepped up behind Blake where he stood in the mirror combing his wet hair to lie flat in the back, and fit her hands around his stomach.

“I need the mirror, cowboy.”

“Almost done.”

She smiled into his back, her cheek bone could feel the shifting of the muscles in his shoulder blade as he moved to style his hair.

“I love you.”

“God, you’re really sentimental today. What’s with you?”

She shrugged. “I guess I just...I finally got what I wanted, you know. Waking up next to you, going to sleep next to you. Watching you get ready. Watching you be a father. I’m happy.”

Blake stopped moving, but Gwen couldn’t bare to see his face. She probably was being too sentimental for his liking.

She heard Blake set down his comb, and before she could protest, he had spun them around until she was facing the mirror and he was behind her.

Their eyes met in the glass. She thought he would look away first, felt like  _ she  _ needed to look away first, but they kept staring at each other. She saw the most intense look in his eyes. Gwen’s face grew red. Blake’s eyes roamed over the blotchy spots before looking into her eyes again.

“What?” He murmured.

“You’re looking at me.”

Blake sighed, moving his head down into the soft damp hair at the nape of her neck. Gwen tilted her head back against his shoulder because it tickled, and she laughed as he caught her eyes again in the mirror.

She stopped suddenly. "You’re still looking at me.”

Blake held her gaze when he kissed the underside of her jaw. “Of course I am.”

She saw him smirk. “Of course you are."

Gwen smiled at their reflections, tucked into the clear oval mirror semi-clouded over with the shower's steam like one of those miniature portraits lovers used to carry in the days before photographs.

"Come on, Babe, you wanted this cookout. We can’t be late for it," Gwen said, tapping Blake’s left wrist in a light reproach.

"It’s my house. I can be late for anything I want."

Gwen’s heart gave a little leap at Blake referring to the house as his. It finally, after all these months, felt like it was theirs. She’ll never throw back into his face him letting her go. It was the right thing, the best thing for them. Moving Gavin out and moving Blake in the very next day would have been a disaster. She knew that now.

”We should have had more kids together," Blake said suddenly, with a brief bite to her bare shoulder.

Gwen swallowed, not knowing what to say to that.

Blake dropped another kiss to her smooth, powdery-soft cheek. "I’ll meet you down there in a second. There’s something I have to do.”

“Okay.”

He smiled at her one last time before leaving the bathroom.

Gwen steadied herself against the counter and breathed through her nose deeply.

 

&

 

Blake travelled through the backyard until he reached the treehouse. The memory of him and Gwen talking there struck him immediately and Blake only wished that the conversation he was about to have now wasn’t going to be like the one he had before. 

Lilith was seated in the shade of the small alcove, legs crossed like a child, a fashionable straw hat perched on her head, much like the one he brought Apollo back in July of last year. She was reading a small, worn-looking book. She was positively engrossed and neither saw nor heard her father approach.

"Hey Lilipad," Blake said.

She looked up, startled, and shielded her eyes from the midday sun. The top of the treehouse was open and Blake was still crouching up. "Hey Dad," she said. "I’ll be down in a second for your cookout. I want to finish this chapter really quick."

He waved a hand at her. “No, you’re good. I came up here to talk to you...if that’s okay.” 

She seemed surprised. “Yeah, sure. What’s up?”

He made a gesture and Lilith nodded her head, giving him permission to sit down. 

“Your mother told me that I’ve been distant, lately. And I know I haven’t been with her and most likely will never be again. I guess she was saying that I was distant with you. And I don’t ever want you to feel like I don’t want you around. That I don’t want to be around you. However I’ve been acting...I’m so sorry.” 

Lilith took a deep breath and closed her book. 

“You don’t want to be in a room with me alone. Ever since you moved in, we haven’t hung out at all. Before you and Mom let us know that you were thing, which let’s face it, we kind of all figured out, you seemed like you were somewhere else whenever we were talking to each other on the phone. Like you wanted to be somewhere else.” 

Lilith had been afraid to look up during her whole little spiel, but she did and studied her father for a moment, but his face gave nothing away. It was probably a lost battle, and Lilith didn't want to push anyways. Deciding they could address the issue another day, she sighed and forced her lips into a smile for Blake’s sake. His eyes flashed when he saw it. 

“Listen..I...I’m gonna tell you something that my mom told me when my brother died...Very few people can tell when something is wrong with the world because everything is wrong with the world. And animals, they know instantly, right away, it’s in their nature. But humans, they only get this type of intuition once. It comes with death and heartbreak and despair. There are three women in my life that represent all three. Death..Grandma Dot. Heartbreak...your mother. And you...despair. I’ve done a lot of wrong by them in my lifetime. And even though I have Gwen now, it doesn’t erase all the times that I didn’t. And you...Lilith, I don’t know how to do right by you except for keep my distance and let you come to me. You’re not a little girl anymore.” 

Blake scratched the back of his head and sighed. “What I’m trying to say is that I’m still learning how to take care of you despite knowing that in a few years here, you’ll be taking care of yourself. All of this is still new for me. And I just want to make sure I do right by you. You seeing me pissed out of my mind at Grandma’s funeral was not something I could look you in the eyes and be proud of. There’s gonna be plenty more fuck ups in the future because your dad is a fuck up himself. I’m gonna try and do my best but I don’t want you to be disappointed if I don’t come through the way you wanted me to. I’m not Gavin.” 

“Dad. I’m not asking you to be. I get it okay? You’re scared. You’ve been distant because this is the real deal now. You and Mom are together. You’re living here now. Dad moved out and moved on. There’s nothing in the way of you really being my father, anymore. You’re scared. But I’m not. I’ve got all the faith in the world in you. I love you. And I know I’m getting older but I’m always gonna need you around. I can’t take care of myself without you, without all my parents. You don’t disappoint me. I’ve learned from you and your mistakes. You inspire me to live a life I don’t have to regret. You’re not a fuck up, Dad. You’re the bravest guy I know. If anything I’m lucky to have you.” 

“Right.” Blake’s voice was flat, emotionless, even to his own ears. It was utterly surreal to think of someone out there in the world who’d feel that way about him, let alone his own daughter that he didn’t even know about up until a year ago. 

Lilith shifted until she was sitting beside him, hand moving to hold onto his, just tight enough to sting. “I’ll convince you of it everyday if I have to.”

Blake’s lips curved up a bit. “Everyday?”

“Until you believe me,” Lilith comforted him. 

“Shouldn’t I be the one reassuring here?” He asked, half joking.

“We’ve never been the conventional father-daughter duo.” Lilith shrugged with a smile. 

Blake laughed, and was relieved that it lifted his spirits almost instantaneously.  

“You know, there was one thing you got wrong in your little speech.” He told her and Lilith cocked an eyebrow at him, looking every bit as her mother. It took Blake’s breath away every single time. 

He smiled at his best creation. “I’m the lucky one...because God gave me you. Men like me don’t get such beautiful things in life.” 


	12. Run Dry

“Happy anniversary,” she said, raising her glass to Blake. 

“Is it already?” 

Gwen shifted in the bed to get a better look at him. He was laying on the floor, a glass of orange juice in his hand and a pile of sheet music on his stomach. His head was propped up the front of the nightstand with a pillow. He had been sorting through the list of songs for over an hour as Gwen watched Pretty Woman. 

It had been three whole years since they decided to be together for good and forever. Three years and all of her children were out of the house. Three years and her and Blake were finally working on that album she didn’t think they would ever get to make. Three years and she had never woken up or went to sleep without a smile on her face. 

“Don’t pretend like you didn’t know.” She chided him. 

Blake sipped his juice, smirking. “We’ve started and stopped so many times before...that everyday as far as I’m concerned is an anniversary in itself.” 

She laughed. It was a quiet little sound that shook her naked belly. She went back to watching her movie and left him alone to sort through his music. 

It was the scene where Julia Roberts basically gets devoured by Richard Gere on a piano when Blake finally left his cocoon on the ground for the warmth of their bed. Gwen scooted over to give him some room to get comfortable. He was only dressed in his underwear and a white shirt, a stark contrast to her naked body completely covered by silk sheets that smelled of them and strawberries. 

His hand reached out to caress her thigh and Gwen hummed, moving to kiss him softly on the cheek, right over the bone. “You find any you like?” She asked him. 

“A couple. None worth you though.” 

“You know I’d sing anything that you wrote.” 

He smiled, “Yeah, I know. That’s why I don’t trust you to pick anything out.” 

She played with the edge of his t-shirt as the colors swirled around the darken bedroom save for the light from the television. Blake’s fingers tickled where they continued to caress the flesh of her leg and it was a sensation that left her with a profound feeling of rapture. 

They watched the rest of the movie that way until she fell asleep. She would have stayed knocked for the rest of the night if it wasn’t for the way that she always knew, even when recked with exhaustion, when Blake wasn’t in bed anymore. It was something her body sensed, if not right away, then only a few hours after he’d gone. 

Gwen sat up and rubbed her eyes. The sheet fell away from her chest and the chill in the air raised goosebumps on her skin. She got out of bed and put on her robe, walking barefoot into the hall and down the stairs. The lights were on, but dimmed to a low setting and what greeted her had stopped her heart in less than a second. 

The floor was covered in fake snow, from top to bottom. Even the furniture was dressed in white, until Gwen no longer recognized the maroon and grey of her couch. There were roses littered over everything that didn’t have a pulse, and lights strung up around the ceiling and walls, the colors of Christmas. The fireplace crackled and the room smelled of pine and popcorn. 

“Mom.” 

Gwen jumped out of her skin at the sound of her oldest child. Kingston was standing by the couch and the fact that she hadn’t even heard him was a true testament of how surprised she was with the view before her. 

“King! What the hell is going on? What are you doing here?” He was supposed to be in Vancouver with Mark. 

“Well, I was supposed to be out there.” He gestured to the side yard, where Gwen saw a path of lights that ran until she couldn’t see them around the house anymore. “But I had to pee, which Blake was pissed about.” He laughed. 

“What are you--what are you talking about? Why is Blake--” 

“Mom. Just take a walk with me and you’ll see. I promise. Come on.” 

He held his hand out in the air for her to take. She hesitated before better sense got the best of her. This was her baby boy, and she was happy, truly and freely happy for the first time in her life, and her man was waiting for her outside and she wouldn’t ask anymore questions. 

Kingston led her outside into the semi-warm air. Gwen saw the path more clearly then, looking up and down the ground that was also covered in fake snow. She was amused but happy when she saw it. They walked along the side of the house until she heard bells. Gwen stopped and cocked her head in confusion before she heard the undeniable sound of voices singing. They sounded almost like carolers.

Kingston urged her to keep going and when they finally rounded the back of the house, she saw in the outfield the source of her happiness. There, standing, holding hands and leaning on one another, was her entire family. Her mom and dad, Eric and Todd, Jen and Stella and Leo, along with Blake’s sister, the rest of her family, and Gwen’s children. Zuma, Apollo, and Lilith were all standing around Blake, waving Kingston along to come back and join them as they continued to sing. But what really surprised her was that Deacon and all of his girls were there as well, along with Kurt and his family. Whitey was swaying along with Mark near the back, matching guitars in their hands, just like Blake. She couldn’t believe what she was seeing, or what she was hearing.  

_ I’m looking for you on Christmas Eve _

_ All over the world the angels sing _

_ But I’m feeling lost can you save me? _

_ I’m looking for you on Christmas Eve _

_ I’m looking for you on Christmas Eve _

As a mother, as a woman who has had the toughest time in love, crying came to her easily. She never learned to do it in style. She never learned to make it not ugly, or less of a sloppy mess of tears that ran down her face faster than the Niagara Falls. Right there, she couldn’t help herself from shedding the most unattractive tears that she had ever wept in her life. 

The lyrics were hers. She had started writing Christmas music last year, just as a little outlet, something new that she wanted to try out. Nothing more. Blake was supportive, as always, and never once refused to be a lending ear. But nothing ever came of it even though he told her that something most definitely could. Now, hearing one of her songs be put to an arrangement, her own words being sung back to her not just by Blake, but by every person in her life that had ever made it worth living at some point...made Blake’s as well, was something amazing--incredible. 

The guitars started playing and Blake came out of the crowd as his voice filled the air. They made eye contact right away, and the unwavering devotion in his eyes, the fearless love that he was showing her with just one look, had her entire heart shattering and rebuilding itself in one breath. 

_ I can’t see in this darkness  _

_ So in need of forgiveness  _

_ Before all of my faith dies _

_ Show me the way like a northern light _

He walked closer to her but didn’t walk all the way, just stopping in the middle, right in between their families and her. 

_ Come find me ‘cause I can’t find myself  _

She choked up, covering her mouth with her hand, feeling the tears dripping on her heated skin. He smiled as everyone joined him in serenading her. 

_ I’m looking for you on Christmas Eve _

_ All over the world the angels sing  _

_ But I’m feeling lost can you save me? _

_ I’m looking for you on Christmas Eve  _

_ I’m looking for you on Christmas Eve _

“Blake--” She tried to say but his voice cut her off in the sweetest way. 

_ Don’t know how I got where I am _

_ Hurting so much I need healing  _

_ All I have is what I can pray _

_ Send me your mercy I need your grace _

This time, Gwen sang with them. Her voice could barely be heard by her own ears, but her lips were moving, and she was smiling. When the guitars stopped playing and only the sound of everyone else could be perceived, that was the moment that she knew how much God had really blessed her. He had answered her prayers all this time. A good man, a big family full of beautiful and healthy kids, and though she just now started living it, a simple life. 

_ I’m looking for you on Christmas Eve _

_ All over the world the angels sing _

Gwen looked at all of the smiling faces of her friends and family. 

_ But I’m feeling lost can you save me? _

_ I’m looking for you on Christmas Eve _

She looked back to Blake just as everyone else faded away. He closed the distance between them and grabbed one of her hands, singing his last truth. 

_ Come find me ‘cause I can’t find myself _

She wasted no time in flying into his arms the minute he was done singing. He held her tightly against his body, his fingers ran through her hair and she clutched him to her so close that she thought she might actually hurt him. 

“You alright, there?” He whispered. 

Her laugh was disguised by a hideous hiccup that she got from crying no doubt. Blake chuckled and continued to hold her lovingly. She kissed his neck, and his ear, and his face, and then his lips. It was a good minute before the catcalls started. Gwen pulled away, not embarrassed but clearly bashful. 

“Come on, Dad. Ask her already.” Lilith called. 

“Ask me what?” 

Blake sighed, smirking over his shoulder at their daughter. He turned back around to face her and Gwen was thrumming, anxious to find out what their entire families were doing there. 

“Turn around.” He whispered quietly. 

She did, immediately, trusting in every fiber of her being in the love of her life. 

She gasped. On the back of the house were all these pictures. They had been blown up, so that she had no difficulty seeing what they were and who was in them. Starting from the left, were baby pictures of her and Blake. Some were cute, others were messy, many of them embarrassing. There were red strings that attached the pictures with gold pins. She had no clue how he, or they, got them to stay up there, but she was thoroughly impressed. The baby pictures led to more when they were children. There was one in particular, her in a cowgirl outfit, right next to a pic of Blake in a cowboy hat, that made her laugh. That led to their teen years, and pictures of them singing, hanging out with friends, and going through that awkward hair phase. But then they turned to more important moments in their lives--together. They were young and singing at the Blue Whale, and at shady events just to get some exposure before they met Whitey. 

They were celebrating gigs, celebrating their love, celebrating their life. There had been pictures of him and the band, clearly drunk, and that was something that used to trigger her, but now that they were together, and stronger than ever, it just made her nostalgic. As she slowly went to the right, the pictures went from their teen years to there adult ones. And one by one, she was starting to see a common theme. Once their children started to make an appearance, once she saw how they were moving in chronological order, it all started to make sense. The pictures represented every pivotal moment in their lives, individually and together. But as her eyes kept moving from picture to picture, her life with this beautiful man laid out before her like some art exhibit at the museum, she ended up with nothing at the end. The pictures stopped at one in particular. It was a blank one. There was nothing on it save for a small, black, question mark. She cocked her head, trying to decipher what it meant. 

“Wait, Blake, there’s nothing on this one--” 

She turned around and her voice stopped along with her heart. 

Blake was on one knee, looking up at her with the most hopeful look in his baby blues. Her eyes snapped to the box in his hands. More importantly, to the ring inside of it. 

“It’s a four carat pear shaped diamond. The one I looked up in your search history a year ago. It costs me a lot.” He laughed and she couldn’t help but give him a watery smile in return. “But it's beautiful. Not nearly as beautiful as you but I knew you’d like it. And I knew I wanted to marry you the moment I laid eyes on you. I knew you were the only woman for me. And I know it’s always been a dream of yours to get married with the snow falling behind you and the Christmas lights above you and I want to give you that. Of course, this was all I could do on short notice, right now. And your family didn’t really appreciate being flown out here just so they could stand here in the middle of the night but once they knew it was for me to declare my undying love for you, something they knew for years, cause let's face it, I’m not really subtle about these things, they were all on board. And if I could tell you how much that means to me. How much you mean to me, I would have done this a long time ago. I’m sorry it took so long for me to get my shit together.” 

“Blake--” 

“Let me finish. Please.” 

She nodded and he took a deep breath. 

“I’m not gonna talk your ear off. But I want you to hear me when I say this. ‘Till death do us part, is not what I want. I want the fairy tale. I never thought I would say that but I do. I want the “and they lived happily ever after,” but most importantly, I want the woman that enchanted me when I was a boy, who continues to enchant me now that I’m a man. I want you to choose me over and over again, until we’re no longer here and then I want you to choose me once more. I love you. I’m inspired by you. I’m in awe of the life you’ve built for yourself and incredibly grateful and honored that you’ve allowed me to be a part of it. I love our kids, Gwen. I want them. I always have and I always will. I promise I won’t ever leave you or them. I won’t ever need to pick up another bottle again if you let me pick up your hand right now, and put this ring on it.” 

Her crying was slow and gentle, loud to her ears. She was sure that even God heard it himself. Looking down at Blake, his knees pressed into the fake snow in which he knelt, all so that she could have at least part of her dreams come true. He was asking for her hand now, so that he could make the rest come true, as well. 

“I should have known that you wouldn’t ask me to marry you like a normal person.” 

He smiled down at her feet, bashfully. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But I’m old now, darlin’ and my knees are killing me here so it would be nice if you said yes, already.” 

She laughed through her tears and nodded frantically. Thrusting her left hand in his face, which he took immediately. The ring fit perfectly, and she wondered how he knew her size when the thought of him measuring her finger while she was sleeping popped in her head. 

He kissed the ring over her finger once it was on and Gwen pulled him up by the back of his neck. He leaned down to kiss her and the cheers of their families, which she had completely forgotten about ever since he got down on one knee, could be heard. She smiled against his lips and pulled him down for a hug. Over his shoulder, she saw her daughter grinning from ear to ear, her mother crying and her father holding her while she did, equally emotional, just on the inside more than the out. Her sons were all holding onto each other, beaming brighter than the diamond that was on her hand. 

“I’m so happy. You make me so happy. I love you so much, Blake.” 

His arms squeezed her tighter. His embrace was the safest place in the world for her to be in. 

“Just give me forever, Gwen. I’ll do whatever, I’ll sell off body parts if I have to if it’ll make you happy.” 

She pulled away from him to stare in his eyes. “Listen to me. The rivers between us are deep, Blake. Deeper than anything anyone else we know has ever gone through. But we run with a current stronger than most. We run together. And that is something that will never change. We’re a force of nature. I’m not going anywhere. You’re not going anywhere. ‘Till the rivers run dry.” 

She could have swore she saw a tear in his eye. But he didn’t shed it. He grabbed her hand, the hand that now had a piece of him on it, to carry wherever she went, and gripped it tightly. 

“Gwen.” 

“Yeah?” 

He brushed a strand of hair behind her ear. 

“‘Till the rivers run dry, Dove.” 

  
  



	13. The Beach in July

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we finally are. I thank every single one of you for reading this story. I thank you for being patient with me. This is it. Another story finished. I look forward to the next journey but have loved ever second of this one right here. Happy Reading everyone. Much love, Lennox.

Rivers are a symbol of strength, prosperity, harmony, and distance. The rivers underneath their bridge showed how far they’ve come. The water is deep, the current relentless, and the fish abundant. It’s what love is supposed to look like, what life is supposed to imitate. 

He waited out the floods, was patient with the droughts, and never took for granted the steady tide of their love when it came and went. Their stream was endless and only death could have drowned them now. 

As he listened to her, talk and images of colors and flowers and cake swarming around them, he saw the river’s reflection in the whites of her eyes, the sound of birds in her voice, the constant tremor and hum of the water in her touch. He was happy. She was his happiness. 

“What do you think about the cream? I think I like it with the green you wanted for the banners.” Gwen asked him, turning to see his face. 

They were sitting in the living room, surrounded by a wedding planner that was actually Gwen’s dear friend and a whole bunch of other people that made up her team, completely dedicated to making their dream wedding come true. He had never been married before so he didn’t actually know what the hell was going on. 

He cleared his throat. “It looks nice.” 

Gwen smirked. “You know you can leave at anytime. I know this isn’t the stuff you really care about.” It wasn’t said with any malice, just understanding. He’d be happy to just go down to the courthouse and get it over with. He just wanted her by his side forever, he didn’t much care for how it happened. However, whatever she wanted, he wanted it too. 

“You sure?” He asked. 

Gwen nodded, “Positive. Go do whatever, we’re almost done.” 

He sighed as he got up, leaning back down to give her a kiss.

She smiled at him as he said his goodbyes and thank you’s to the team. “Oh, Blake? Gavin is coming to pick me up. We’re on his way from the studio.” 

“Alright. Good luck finding her a gift. If you see something from us--” 

“I’ll put it on hold. I know.” 

He smiled as he travelled downstairs to the basement where their private recording studio was. It took three months under construction to get the damn thing finished but Blake was so very grateful. He spent the rest of the evening down there as Gwen was out Christmas shopping for the kids, specifically, Lilith’s charm necklace. 

They had already found or designed a piece of jewelry for all four kids except Lilith. Her gifts had been a little more difficult to find ever since she derailed from her taste of girly and pink. The boys were easy, a watch here, a bracelet there, even a custom made hair band for Zuma since he decided to grow his hair out. But Lilith didn’t like wrist-wear and she hardly ever wore earrings or rings. The necklace was the only other option left and since they decided to split the gifts among him and Gavin, it was taking double the effort for him and her to find something that she and Gavin weren’t already getting the kids. 

As Blake was attempting to write a new song, his phone would ding with the occasional picture message. Gwen sent him images of various types of lockets. It was his idea since she’d be getting a charm from her dad. Blake flicked through most of the pictures, only liking two of the selections out of the nine she sent him. The locket he settled on had been golden and round, with a tiny mockingbird at the top where the latched opened. 

Gwen’s response was quick. 

**Good one.** **Gx**

He smile down at the screen, wondering what she would want to have engraved on the back of it but also wanting her to wrap things up for the night.  

**Can you hurry it up? Golden girls marathon starts in an hour. B**

Ten minutes had gone by before his phone chimed again. 

**On our way back now. Got u a hot chocolate ;* Gx**

**Better not be that starbucks crap. B**

**Shhhhhhh. Don’t tell Blakey. Gx**

He laughed out loud and set his phone aside, going back to playing old chords to spark inspiration for new ones. 

It was an hour before he realized she wasn’t back yet. The stores weren’t that far away but he knew L.A. traffic could be a bitch, so he texted to see how far out they were still. 

**Show is on! Where ya at? B**

He sent the text as he paced the length of the living room. The message sat there for a solid fifteen minutes before Blake got a sick feeling in his stomach. She couldn’t be ignoring him. She couldn’t really be doing anything with Gavin. He wasn’t that self-conscious or insecure. They were over. They were all, for lack of a better term, friends now. They had too much history and too many kids not to be. 

Blake called her phone but it went straight to voicemail. 

“What the fuck.” He voiced out loud. 

“What’s wrong Dad?” Lilith asked, coming down the stairs in her pajamas. She had a mug of peanut butter and vanilla shake in her hand. Her friend, Jordan, was behind her. They were having a sleepover tonight. 

“Uh..nothing. Hey, have you spoken to your mother?” 

“Not since she came up to say goodbye earlier. Why? What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing. She’s just running a little late is all.” 

Lilith nodded and headed for the kitchen, Jordan following right behind his daughter. Blake sat back down on the couch and tried to call her again. Voicemail. 

**Hey prettygirl. Ur kind of scaring me a little. Pick up. B**

“Hey, Dad? Can me and Jordan take the truck to Autumn’s? We can pick up dinner if Mom isn’t gonna be back in time to cook.” 

“Um...yeah, alright. Get the usual and whatever Jordan wants. No fifteen dollar smoothies, that shit’s ridiculous.” He warned her, knowing his daughter was prone to ignore him whenever she got money to spend on what she wanted. 

“That’s not fair. Jordan hasn’t had their smoothies. You have to let her try one.” 

“Lilith, if you come back with even a smoothie stain on your shirt, I’m gonna ground you for a month.” 

“Dad.” She whined. 

He stood up and took his wallet out of his back pocket, pulling out his debit card. “And just because I really don’t trust you, you pay for everything with my card.” 

She moaned but took the piece of plastic without further argument. “Fine. We’re gonna go get changed.”

As the girls disappeared, Blake tried Gwen’s phone again. Still no luck. He was starting to get worried. He buckled down and rang Gavin but once again, the line went straight to voicemail. He called Kingston after that and the boy answered on the third ring. 

“Hey, Blake.” He sounded out of breath, like he had just been working out. 

“Hey, King. Your mom went shopping with Gavin but I haven’t heard from them in awhile. Have you heard from either one of them?” 

His oldest laughed and shushed someone on the other end. “No, I haven’t talked to either of them. I’m sure their phones just died or they’re just stuck in traffic.” There was a choked off moan that Kingston tried to cover by talking again, “I wouldn’t worry about it. They’re fine.” 

“Am I interrupting something?” Blake asked, not really wanting to know the answer. 

“Would you not look me in the eyes the next time you see me if I said yes?” 

Blake laughed. “No, King. Say hi to Mark for me.” 

“Hi, Blake. We’re hanging up now.” Mark said into the phone. 

“Be safe, kids.” 

The line clicked and Blake sighed. He tossed his phone on the couch and ran a hand through his hair. The next minute, Lilith and Jordan came back downstairs. 

“Be careful, it’s dark out.” He told her, grabbing her by the back of her neck to kiss her on the forehead. He gave Jordan a side hug. 

“I’m always careful.” Lilith said. 

He rolled his eyes at his youngest, watching as they put on their shoes and coats. His phone rang out of nowhere and Blake almost sighed with relief until he saw the unfamiliar phone number. He answered it. 

“Is this Blake Shelton?” A woman inquired. 

“Yeah it is. Who is this?” 

“My name is Margaret. I’m a nurse here at Los Angeles County Hospital.” His heart sunk. “You were the emergency contact for..Ms. Gwen Stefani. I’m afraid her and the driver that she was with got into a severe car accident tonight.” 

He didn’t mean to drop the phone. It was an accident. It was dumb. Dumb and dramatic and he was far from a dramatic person. 

“Dad?’ 

He didn’t mean to drop to his knees so hard either, he was just trying to find the phone. He couldn’t find it. His eyes had clouded and he tried to blink but they wouldn’t clear.

“Dad!” He felt small hands cup his face. “What’s wrong, what happened!? Dad!” 

He could not hear himself but whatever came from his throat had scared Lilith to death. Some part of him knew he had to come back from this. That he had to get in the car and drive to the hospital. He had to get to her. He didn’t even know if she was  _ there  _ anymore. Blake grabbed for the phone again, finding it by his knee. The call had been dropped. 

“Fuck,” He whispered. Blake stood up, startling Lilith. 

“Dad--” 

“Get in the car. Both of you, get in the car.” He ordered them, searching for his keys, and grabbing his boots. 

“Dad, what’s going on?” 

“Get in the car.” His voice cracked. He ushered the girls outside and into the truck. He pulled out of the driveway with reckless abandon before the thought of Gwen came to mind. She was in a car accident.  _ Slow down. _ You have two lives in the car with you. 

Blake focused on getting to the hospital quickly but safely. His phone was going off, and he didn’t much care who it was or who knew. Lilith kept asking what was wrong and he didn’t have the words nor the answers to give her. When they finally arrived, Blake parked his truck out front, not caring if the vehicle got towed or him a ticket. 

He ran inside with the girls right on his heels. He asked the front desk for any information, frantically getting the words out in a jumbled mess. 

“Blake?” 

He turned around wildly, seeing the tired face of one of the scrub nurses. Her name was Cameron and she had known Gwen for years, whenever she had to take one of the boys for a broken bone or sprained ankle. 

“Cam. It’s Gwen--she was--I don’t know--” 

“I know. I had Margaret call you. She’s in ICU right now. Come on, I’ll take you there for a second. Then you have to wait in the waiting room.” 

Blake started after her. Lilith grabbed his hand and walked by his side, tucking her face into his arm. He turned around to find Jordan, looking out of place and scared for them. He put a hand out and she took it immediately. 

“How is she?” He asked.  

“The CT showed a shattered pelvis and hip. No internal bleeding as far as we know. Doctor Williams is one of the best in the field. She’s in good hands.” 

“What about Gavin?” 

Lilith’s hand tightened around his. He wasn’t prepared to lose the love of his life, but he knew neither of the children were ready to lose both of their parents. 

“The truck hit her side of the car. He has some minor cuts and bruises. A broken wrist and a few broken ribs which is to be expected. But he’s fine.” 

Blake’s anxiety calmed to a significant degree. “Is she in pain?” 

“We’ve got her on a morphine drip until an OR opens up and then we’ll prep her for surgery.” Cameron informed them as they rounded a corner. Gwen’s room was the fourth curtain down. 

Cameron opened it for them to go in and Blake started to before Lilith tugged him back. He looked down at her. 

“You can go in.” She said. 

“You don’t want to come in with me?” 

She shook her head. “I’ll see her when she gets out.” 

Blake saw the fear in her eyes and he couldn’t blame her, nor would he force her to see her mother like that when she didn’t want to. “Okay. Let me see her for a minute and then we’ll go see your dad. Can you do me a favor and call your brothers?” 

Lilith nodded, holding onto Jordan’s hand now. 

Blake turned back around and walked into the room. He stood there for a second, finding it hard to move closer when she was like this. Gwen’s hair was plastered to her face with blood. There were cuts along her cheek and jaw, bruises forming on her shoulders and neck. He looked away, the sight too much to bear. When he looked back at her, he almost jumped when he saw her eyes openly staring at him. She blinked and the corners of her mouth rose a half of an inch. 

He walked closer to her, slowly, like he was afraid his proximity would somehow disrupt the quiet, peacefulness of the room. He pulled up a chair to the side of her bed and sat down, immediately grabbing for her battered hand. 

“Hey, sweet girl.”

“Hi,” she whispered. 

He ran a hand through her hair, pushing the bloody strands back from her face. “What happened? Huh? Why you scarin’ me like this?” 

She smiled with much less difficulty. Her voice was slurred from the pain medicine, low and airy like it hurt to speak. “I was..turning the dial on the radio. Your song came on. That one I like.” 

He grinned. “I thought you liked all of ‘em.” 

“Exactly.” 

He chuckled, squeezing her fingers around his.

Gwen frowned, the sight the most heartbreaking thing in the world. “I don’t remember the rest.” 

“You remember getting presents for Lilith?” 

She shook her head tentatively. 

“Okay. You do remember Lilith right?” 

She nodded and Blake let out the breath he was holding. “Where are the kids?” She asked. 

“They’re coming. They’re on their way. Lilith is here. She’s in the waiting room with Jordan.” 

“Can I see her?” 

Blake paused, “Um...she’s scared, baby. To see you...like this. To be honest I’m scared right now just lookin’ at ya.” 

“That bad, huh?” 

He laughed, “You’re beautiful no matter what you look like.” 

She smiled softly and closed her eyes. 

“You tired babe?” 

She nodded. Blake sighed and leaned over the side of the bed, pressing a gentle kiss to the underside of her jaw. 

“Blake?” Cameron popped into the room. “Hey, I just received news from the front desk. Your kids are here.” 

He nodded, turning back around to look at Gwen. Her eyes were still closed and she looked like she had nodded off. He kissed her hand and her jaw one last time before he stood up, letting her go. 

“Thanks, Cam.” 

“Of course. If you want, they can come and see her before she goes into surgery. We’ll just need to prep her with you guys in the room.” 

“Okay.” 

Lilith and Jordan were waiting for him as they exited her room. He pulled his daughter close and held her as they walked down the hall. 

“I called King but he said Dad already called him. Kingston told Zuma and Apollo.” She explained. 

“Thanks, sweetheart.” 

They found their way back to the front entrance and immediately, Apollo pulled him into a hug. Zuma held on tight to Lilith, and King was talking to one of the nurses, trying to find Gavin’s room number. 

“It’s gonna be fine. She’ll be fine. Both of them will be.” He reassured Apollo. 

The younger man finally let go. “I know. It’s just…” 

Blake nodded, “I get it.” 

“He’s in room 107.” Kingston came up to them, pulling Blake into a sideways hug.  Zuma patted Blake on the shoulder, still holding onto Lilith. 

“Your mom is about to go into surgery. If Gavin is okay enough to make it to her room, I think he’d want to see her with us before she goes.” 

The group nodded and before they could start down the hallway to the elevators, Mark came through the front revolving doors. 

“Hey, sorry. I had to park the car.” 

Blake drew his son’s boyfriend in for a hug, thanking him for getting them there safely. 

Apollo stayed glued to his side as the family made their way to Gavin’s room. The walk was silent, the ride up quiet as well, but as soon as they made it to 107, the kids swarmed the room, trying to hug their dad all at the same time. 

Him and Jordan and Mark stayed by the door. To Blake, Gavin looked like he got the better end of the crash. Except for the identical cuts and bruises, Gavin’s injuries were almost drastically different. He could see the bandaged wrist and the broken ribs covered up in white gauze. But that was it. His spirit was lighter than Gwen’s. His skin pinker, his blood thicker. He was glad he was alright, but to know Gwen wasn’t faring any better than him, it was a hard thing to be confronted with. 

“I hate to cut this short. And I’m glad you’re alright, really. But they’re about to take Gwen into surgery and I figured everyone wanted to see her before they took her in.” 

“Of course. Yeah.” Gavin said.  

“Are you able to walk Dad? Or do we need to get you a wheelchair?” Zuma asked. 

“I can walk. I’m fine.” 

Kingston and Zuma helped their father out of bed and Blake led them back downstairs to where Gwen was still sleeping. He entered the room and gently woke her with a kiss to each one of her closed eyelids. She startled but when she saw him, she smiled. 

“I got some people who want to say hi to you.” 

He moved away to reveal the rest of their family. Kingston and Zuma had no problem walking up to her or holding her hands. It was Apollo and Lilith that took some convincing. Gavin was the last to see her, apologizing, and kissing her cheek every so often. Blake stood in the corner, trying to hold it together. 

“Someone has to call Jordan’s mom. She’s been thrown into a Nicholas Spark’s movie.” Gwen said quietly. 

The room laughed, all of their faces breaking into relieved smiles to see that she was well enough to make jokes. 

“I’m okay, Mrs. Shelton. I just want you to be okay.” Jordan said, and the fact that she called Gwen, Mrs. Shelton, had Blake’s stomach doing somersaults. It definitely didn’t keep his eyes dry. 

“You’re sweet. You all are so sweet.” She murmured, the drugs once again making her eyelids droopy. She reached a hand out to Blake and he came over to her side, sitting on the vacant chair. He took her hand in his. 

“I can’t remember if I bought you something for Christmas.” She said. 

“I don’t care about presents. Just get better so that we can spend it together.” 

Her eyelids closed, the effort it took to reply was too much. But she found a breath to say, “I want sushi when I get out of here.” 

They smiled at her.    

“Well look who’s awake and talking up a storm.” One of the nurses said as she entered the room. She had a cart full of equipment and medical supplies. 

Gwen looked at the woman with a dopey smile. “Have you ever seen anyone this handsome?” She asked the nurse, touching Blake’s cheek. He smiled at her. 

The nurse, Shai, when he read her name tag, looked down at him. “He’s a cutie pie, I’ll give him that.” 

“He’s a sweetheart. Plays a mean guitar too. Honey guess what?” 

“What?” 

“I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Is that right?” 

“Uhuh. ‘Cause I...have a wedding to finish planning.” 

“You do now? You remember we’re getting married?” 

“I saw the ring.” She held her hand up and he chuckled. “I figured I must be planning something, right?” 

Lilith cracked a smile at her parents. Blake kissed her wedding finger and looked around the room, noticing Gavin’s discomfort. He couldn’t dwell too much on it because another voice sounded from behind the curtain. It was the doctor and a couple more nurses. 

“It’s showtime. How you feeling?” Doctor Williams asked, coming to stand by Gwen’s side. Blake stood up to get out of his way. 

“Like I’m floating on a cloud.” Gwen responded. 

“Well, don’t float too high. You belong down here, not up there.” 

Gwen clicked her tongue. Doctor Williams laughed and ordered one of the nurses to check her vitals. He turned around to find the person in charge of Gwen’s state and affairs. Blake saw Gavin step forward just as he did, probably out of habit. But they weren’t married anymore and Gwen was his responsibility now. She was his. 

“You’re taking her to surgery, now?” Blake asked. 

The doctor nodded. “Should only take four hours, and I’ll have Cameron give you updates after every interval. It’s to my knowledge that she’s close to the family.” He nodded at the Doctor. “This is routine. I’ve had many cases like this come through my OR.” He reassured. 

“I appreciate that Doctor.” 

Williams stuck his hand out. “Are you the husband, Mr. Shelton?” He asked, tentatively. 

“Fiance, until a month from now. So please make sure she can make it down that isle, Doc.” 

They shook hands. “I’ll do my best.” 

Doctor Williams, along with the other nurses, kicked back the wheels on the gurney and started to wheel Gwen out. 

“I love you guys.” She said quietly to everyone in the room. She grabbed Blake’s hand briefly as she passed by him. 

“I’ll see you soon.” He told her, letting go. She disappeared out of the room, and Blake ran a hand through his unruly curls, looking down at his boots. 

“Blake. Gavin. You guys can have everyone wait in the waiting room.” Cameron said.

The waiting room was huge, accommodating their large group. Blake stood while everyone sat down. Gavin hadn’t technically been discharged yet and was supposed to go back to his room but he made it very clear that he wasn’t going anywhere. By hour two, when they heard that Gwen was still holding on steadily, the pain in his ribs and wrist was too much and he went back to his room. Lilith, Jordan, and Apollo went with him. By hour three, Cameron had told him that the surgery was going to take a little longer than the doctor expected, discovering a minor complication. Blake avoided throwing up. By hour four, Todd, Jen, and Gwen’s mom and dad had joined them in the waiting room. By hour five, Kingston was knocked out on Mark’s shoulder. Gavin had been discharged and the rest of the group and Gwen’s siblings had returned to wait with him. Blake still hadn’t sat down. 

By hour six, they heard new news. She was fine, it would take a little longer to get finished up, but she looked to be pulling through. Blake sighed and finally sat down. Hour seven was when Doctor Williams entered the room. Blake hastily stood to greet the man. 

“How is she? How’d it go?” 

“Very well. She’s coming out of anesthesia now. So give her a little bit to get settled back in the room and then you guys can see her.” 

The sounds of relief echoed throughout the room. 

Blake shook the Doctor’s hand again. “Thank you. Thank you so much. What--what happens now?” 

“Well, we’re going to monitor her condition to make sure there aren’t any complications and then if all is good, she can go home in a couple days. She’ll need a lot of rehab and support but she’ll be fine. She’s a fighter.” 

Blake hugged the man, something that surprised the both of them. 

“You’ll never know how much this means to me, you saving her like this.” He pulled back to see the doctor smiling. 

“It’s my pleasure.” 

He felt arms wrap around his middle from behind and instantly recognized those arms to be Kingston’s. He turned around and hugged his oldest tightly, peering over his shoulder to see everyone doing the same thing. 

Visiting Gwen after surgery was like coming home. She was groggy and in pain but she smiled more alertly at them. Her memory had come back. Blake couldn’t believe his luck. He stood in the back corner of the room again, just observing her interacting with everybody.

“How do you feel, Sis?” Todd asked. 

“Like I was hit by a train.” She deadpanned.  

“I thought of a new song while you were in surgery, Mom. Well, Dad gave me an old, unfinished song of his and I finally found the right lyrics to finish it.” Lilith told her mother, sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“You did? That’s crazy because I had a dream while I was under that you and your father wrote a song.” 

Blake’s eyebrows rose at that. He knew Lilith was referring to him because he was the one who gave her the song in the first place but to hear that Gwen was referring to him also was surprisingly nice. Even though Lilith called him dad, he was technically her father and Gavin was her dad. It was how they distinguished the two men apart when it came to their dysfunctional parental situation.

“Really? Was it good?” Lilith asked excitedly. 

Gwen laughed and then immediately stopped, realizing the action caused her pain in her stomach. “I don’t know. I don’t remember it well. I heard several songs while I was in surgery.” 

The song he started writing earlier was burning a hole in his back pocket. 

“You should have some music in here, Mom. I heard it helps with the healing process.” Zuma voiced. 

“Well, live music would be great. I can’t play anything but luckily I have like five musicians in the room.” She joked. 

“I can get my guitar from Mark’s car.” Kingston helpfully supplied. 

“I’ll go with you. I need to get something from the cafeteria. I’m starving.” Apollo said. 

“I need to use the bathroom.” Lilith commented. 

“Me too.” Zuma agreed. 

And just like that, one by one, all the kids left the room but not before kissing Gwen goodbye. It left her parents, her siblings, him and Gavin in the room. Blake stayed in the corner as her mom and dad sat beside her on either side. Her brothers and sister took the seating by the window and Gavin stood by the foot of the bed. 

Hours had gone by. His feet hurt but he didn’t care so much. He just waited and looked as people came and left through the room all day. Eventually, around the time the sun was just beginning to set, the traffic slowed down and it was just him and Gwen alone for a couple of minutes. 

She looked over at him and grinned. “You’ve been quiet all day.” 

He shrugged. “I have nothing to say.” 

“Nothing?” 

“Nope. I just wanna look at ya.” 

She ran a gentle hand down her face, aware of the bruises and cuts. At least the blood was finally gone. “I look a mess.” 

“You look like the woman I’m so in love with.” 

“Well, aren’t you sweet...Come here.”

He went willingly, sitting down next to her. A hand came out to caress the side of his face.

“I don’t know how we got here.” She voiced. 

“Me either but I don’t ever wanna be here again.” 

Her thumb caressed his bottom lip. “I still want sushi.” 

He chuckled and shook his head at her. “Why don’t I go get you some?” 

She hummed. “No, don’t go.” She closed her eyes and sighed. 

“You tired?” 

She opened them again, looking over at him. “Play me something.” 

“Gwen, I can’t play now.” 

“Yes you can. Sing me to sleep. Please.” 

She asked so prettily and really, his fiance had just been in a car accident and a seven hour surgery, he’d be an ass to deny her anything. 

Blake got up and crossed the room to grab King’s guitar that he left. He came back to her side and adjusted the instrument on his knee. 

“Anything?” He asked her. 

“Anything.” 

Blake pulled the folded piece of paper out of his back pocket and opened it, laying it on the bed next to her covered hip. “It might actually sound better on the piano. But I wrote it for guitar initially so don’t judge too hard. And it’s not finished so there’s that.” 

“Shhh. Less talking. Just sing.” 

He gave her an exasperated look but followed her demands. 

He strummed the intro to the song and looked down at the newly written lyrics. 

_ The rivers between us are deep. And dark as the secrets we keep. _

Blake looked up at her, blinded by the emotion in her eyes. She was staring at him in so much anticipation, so much love for what he had started to write and he’d barely gotten two sentences out. 

_ We stand on the shores. Time runnin’ by at out feet. Oh, the rivers between us are deep.  _

Gwen shifted slightly in the bed, and Blake looked back down to the sheet of paper, needing the sight of the words he felt to ground him as he revealed them to her. 

_ Our love is like the moon, rising too fast and fading too soon. This night will soon be gone. Help me hold on. _

The melody dragged on as he finished strumming the last note. He cleared his throat and thumbed the edge of the paper. “That’s all I got. There should at least be another verse before I finish with the chorus but I gave up after everything started soundin’ too corny and weird.” 

Gwen felt around for the paper, not able to move as she pleased because of the injuries to her lower extremities. Blake helped her out, setting the song in her hands. 

“Pen?” She asked, eyes scanning over his chicken scratch. 

Blake found one on the bedside table and gave it to her. “You gonna finish it?” 

“Of course. Like I do all of your songs that you think aren’t good enough to be heard.” 

He chuckled and watched as she hummed the melody all the way through, stopping here and there to see if lyrics fit in her head before putting them down on paper. Once she was done, she showed him and together they polished the verse out in a matter of minutes. 

“It’s a duet you know.” He said as she wrote the last word into the first line. 

“I’d sound like a tone deaf whale if I sang with you right now.” 

“That’s funny ‘cause the song was actually written for me and a tone deaf whale.” 

Gwen laughed and then stopped abruptly, giving him a scathing look for making her laugh when he knew it hurt her like a bitch. 

“Sorry.” 

“You sing the rest of it.” 

“No way. You have to sing it with me.” 

“Blake.”

“Gwen.” 

She sighed and snatched the paper up again, holding it for the both of them as he strummed the guitar again. They looked at each other at the same time, nodding their heads to get a mutual cue. When he heard their voices together in what felt like such a long time, Blake wanted to wrap her up, and never let her go. 

_ There are kingdoms to keep us apart. So we live out our lives in the dark. Love has a way of making you pay with your heart. There are kingdoms to keep us apart.  _

Her voice was the same as it ever was. Their chemistry as strong since day one. Just a couple of teenagers who had no clue what a lifetime meant but managed to find it and hold onto it ever since. 

_ Our love is like the moon, rising too fast and fading too soon. This night will soon be gone. Help me hold on. _

Gwen touched his cheek again, fingernails scratching the stubble softly. 

_ Help me hold on… _

He leaned down and kissed her chastely, the feel of her chapped lips the most amazing thing in the world to him. 

“Not too shabby.” He told her. She pushed him away playfully, just in time for the door to open. 

The family slowly trickled in one by one and Blake sighed, knowing their alone time was officially over. It was hard sharing her.   

It was around dinner time when Blake finally left to grab himself a coffee. When he came back to the room, it was empty, knowing that the majority of everyone went out to get something to eat except for him and Todd, who opted to stay just in case something happened. Todd was using the bathroom inside the room, the distinct sound of Elvis playing from his phone could be heard faintly. But what got his attention and stopped him by the door, was Gwen talking to someone. He peered inside the room. She was looking to the chair beside her by the window but there wasn’t anybody in it. 

“What are you doing here?” Blake saw Gwen ask. 

“--You have?”

“--He’s great. You raised such a good man.” 

“--I’m lucky. I almost lost him.” 

“--yeah...I--I should have told you about Lilith. That you had a granddaughter…That she was Blake’s. I’m so sorry.” 

“--I know but...you always treated me like a daughter. I should have known.” 

“--I love you too.” 

Blake couldn’t stand to hear it anymore. “Gwen.” Her head turned towards him. “Who you talking to?”

Gwen turned back to the chair, “She was just here.” 

“Who?” 

“Your mom. She was just here.” 

Blake looked at her like he was the one who’d seen a ghost. 

Just then, the bathroom door opened and Elvis filled his ears. Todd immediately went into a whole conversation about Elvis dying on a toilet and Blake went to his usual place in the corner, watching as the two talked animatedly. But Blake kept a careful eye on Gwen. And the chair. 

&

When the family got back, Blake ate his sandwich outside the room, needing to get out of there just for a fraction of a moment. He ate by the front of the window, surprised to see his truck in the same place that he left it. He saw Mark come and go many times, running to the store for various items that peopled needed just so they didn’t have to the leave the hospital—leave Gwen. He even saw Jordan off, the sixteen year old hugging him goodbye as her mom picked her up. It was good to have some time by himself but he was itching to get back to Gwen, not wanting to leave her alone for too long, scared she might see his mother again. 

Out of all people, why her? He had heard of stories of the white light and people calling beyond the grave. He didn’t like that she was seeing things everyone else couldn’t. He talked about it with Doctor Williams but the surgeon reassured him that everything was fine and that she was on a lot of pain meds, which he reduced to see if it would help. 

Blake worried about it as he walked back to her room. When he went inside, most everyone was in there already, and he was surprised they hadn’t gotten in trouble for the large crowd but it seemed like being famous had its perks for once. 

Lilith was sitting on the bed again, strumming the guitar absently as Kingston told his mother about the new dog him and Mark had decided to buy. Blake went to stand in his corner, catching the attention of Gwen. 

“Hey you. Where’d you go?” She asked, waiting until King was finished to ask him. 

“I ate. Went to see if my truck got towed or not.” 

“Did you move it?” 

“No.” 

Gwen rolled her eyes. 

“Hey Dad. Mom wanted me to play that song I finished of yours. I wanted to know if you were okay with that.” 

“Go ahead. It’s yours now.” He gave her his blessing. 

“Cool. I think you know it too, Mom. Dad said you used to sing it with him in the beginning before he scratched it.” 

Gwen cocked her head, her interest peaked. 

“It’s  _ A Life That’s Good _ .” He told her. 

Gwen gasped, “Oh wow. I haven’t heard that song in years.” 

“You know the first part?” Lilith asked her mother and she nodded. “Will you sing with me?” 

“I’d love to.” 

Lilith smiled and started playing the opening chords. Blake looked around the room to see every pair of eyes on his little girl, which quickly switched to Gwen as she started to sing. 

_ Sittin’ here tonight. By the fire light. It reminds me I already have more than I should. _

Blake smiled hearing her sing the same lines that he wrote so long ago. It surprised him when he heard his daughter chime in, adding a verse that wasn’t previously there. 

_ I don’t need fame. No one to know my name. At the end of the day, Lord I pray, I have a life that’s good.  _

She looked over at him, and he smiled proudly at her to let her know that she was amazing. She nodded at him to join them and at first he refused but then he saw Gwen’s beautiful face asking the same thing and the two adults sang with each other for the second time that day. 

_ Two arms around me. Heaven to ground me. And a family that always calls me home. Four wheels to get there. Enough love to share and a sweet, sweet, sweet song.  _

Lilith joined them. 

_ At the end of the day, Lord I pray, I have a life that’s good. _

Blake and Gwen left the next part to Lilith, not knowing what the next verse was until she sang it to everyone. 

_ Sometimes I’m hard on me. When dreams don’t come easy. I wanna look back and say..I did all that I could.  _

Gwen stared at her daughter in disbelief as she opened her voice so they could sing together. Mother and daughter.  

_ Yeah at the end of the day, Lord I pray, I have a life that’s good. _

Lilith looked to him again and this time, Blake sang without hesitation with them. But as they sang the last of the lyrics, he noticed Gwen’s voice absent from theirs. He looked over at her, her face pinched in confusion. Blake stopped singing. Gwen’s hand went up to clutch at her chest and that’s when the monitors went off. Lilith jumped from the bed and Blake jumped to it. 

“Get a nurse!” He yelled, vaguely aware of someone leaving the room. The next thing he knew, were the sound of bodies and footsteps exiting the room, new ones coming in, prodding and poking at Gwen, hands ushering him out as they wheeled her down the hall. 

“What’s happening to her?” He asked Cameron as she ran with them. 

“Her kidneys are shutting down. Her potassium is through the roof. It’s causing her organs to fail.” 

“That doesn’t make any sense, she was in a car accident. Her pelvis was--” 

“This can happen with the type of fracture Gwen sustained.” Cameron was rambling off as much as she could before they wheeled her through those damn double doors that he couldn’t go through with her. Another nurse held him back and Blake hit the adjacent wall with his fist. It earned him some stares but he didn’t care. He stood against the opposite wall, able to see the room that they had set her in. They worked on her and he waited. He waited until all four of them left the room in a hurry. Blake walked through the doors and immediately went to her. Gwen was responsive but disoriented before she focused on him. 

“What’s happening?” She cried. 

He grabbed for her hand. “I don’t know. I don’t know baby.” The tears were starting to come and he promised himself that he’d be stronger than her, stronger for her. 

“Listen. I need you to be there.” She started, gripping his hand as hard as she could. “If something happens, I need you to be strong. I need you to be there. Don’t disappear on them. Don’t drink.” 

“Gwen--” 

“No. Do not drink over me. Don’t use my death as a scapegoat.” 

“You’re not gonna die.” 

“Promise me. Promise me you won’t drink, that you’ll be there for our kids. You’ll move on.” 

“I can’t promise you--” 

“Promise. Swear to me.” 

The curtain flew open and several people came back in. 

“Sir, you can’t be in here.” He felt hands grab at his shoulders. 

He put his hands up. “Okay. I know. I’m going.” He stood up. “I promise.” He leaned down to rest his forehead against hers. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

He felt a tear drop. “Sir.” 

He leaned away, on the verge of sobbing. “Don’t leave me.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

He looked at her. “Don’t.” 

He backed away out of the room before they had the good sense to throw him out. He went back behind those stupid double doors but he couldn’t stay there for long. He felt useless, and angry, and like his heart was going to give out at any moment.

Blake went to the waiting room, knowing that everyone would be there instead of the room. As soon as he opened the door, every pair of eyes was on him. Their faces were a mixture of fear and hope. 

“What happened? Is she okay?” Dennis asked for everyone. 

“I don’t know.” He scratched the back of his head, not knowing what to say. He thought back to the detailed explanation Cameron gave him and started from there. “Her kidneys are shutting down. Her potassium is high. The fracture…some tissue and bone marrow leaked into her blood system and I don’t—I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what that means. It’s all I got.” He shrugged his shoulders, feeling like the whole world was pressing down on him.

He watched as everyone sat back down, disappointed, sad, frustrated, maybe even angry. He knew he felt all of those things. 

It was some time passed before anyone spoke up. It was Zuma. 

“What exactly happened, Dad?” 

Gavin startled. He looked up to see all eyes were on him, now. “Well…I—we were passing an intersection. The light was just turning yellow and out of nowhere there was a truck and we were on the other side of the intersection.” 

Blake grimaced, picturing the accident in his head. 

“I tried to get your mom out but her waist was underneath the car. Some other driver called 911 and they told me not to move her at all.” 

“Is Mom gonna die?” Lilith asked. 

“Don’t say that, Lil.” Apollo berated her. 

“Leave her alone. She’s just asking what we’re all thinking.” Zuma scolded him. 

“All of you shut up. We don’t need to be talking about Mom like this.” Kingston chimed in.  

“She’s gonna pull through. I know your Mom.” Gavin assured them. 

Blake scoffed. 

The room looked to him. 

“You don’t agree, Blake.” Gavin challenged him and Blake rolled his eyes in his head. He knew their unspoken tension would come to a head at any moment, ever since he caught the Brit staring at him anytime Gwen gave him an ounce of attention or affection. He had a bad attitude about the wedding happening so soon too but Blake couldn’t care less. 

“You don’t know what’s gonna happen to her.” Blake started. “You really don’t know anything about her since you gave up your marriage years ago.” 

“Blake.” Todd warned him. 

“No, it’s okay, Todd. He clearly has something he wants to get off his chest. Let him.” 

“Blake, please don’t.” Jen addressed him, gesturing with her head to the kids in the room. 

“I wasn’t going to.” He didn’t have the time nor the energy to do this with him, not when his wife to be was somewhere in pain and holding on by a thread. 

“This wasn’t my fault.” Gavin stated. 

“No one’s saying that.” Patti assured him. 

Blake bit his tongue and looked away, which prompted a response from the other man. 

“You tell me what I could have done differently, Blake. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

The country singer snapped. “I don’t care whose fault it was. I wasn’t in the car. I don’t know what happened, except for what you tell me. All I know is that Gwen is fighting for her life, and you’re here, saying she’s gonna pull through like a jackass. ‘Cause if she doesn’t, that’s on you.” 

“Woah, come on Blake.” Eric patted his leg to reel him back from the edge. 

“Oh we all know you’d rather see me in a ditch somewhere. Sorry today couldn’t be the day.” 

“Dad, stop.” Kingston warned. 

“You think everything is about you, that’s your problem.” Blake stood up and walked to the door. 

“Don’t pretend like you aren’t having a pissing contest with me, either. You think this whole thing only affects you. She’s someone’s daughter and sister. Our kids could lose a mom. This isn’t about me or you, Blake.” 

He turned around, that sick feeling coming back, coursing through him with lightning speed. “You say all this like being selfish when it comes to Gwen is the worst thing I could be right now. Probably because you already had her, over and over and over again ‘cause that’s how many times she took you back.” Gavin stood up, the anger now present in his face.

“Don’t talk about this in front of them.” 

“Why? You ashamed or something? Don’t want  _ your  _ kids to hear that the affair was more like four. See what you don’t get, is that I’m an insult away from putting you back in that hospital bed.” 

“Blake--” Jen tried to intervene but he wasn’t finished. 

“You got to say I do. You got to hold her. You go to say goodbye. You had half a life by her side. I was a month away. Thirty days and she was going to finally be my wife. I did everything I was supposed to. I got sober. I made amends. I stepped up as a father for my kid--for  _ your _ kids. I did everything she told me to.” His voice cracked, and he realized the fight was leaving his body with every word that fell off his lips. “I love her. And I can’t--I can’t lose her, not when I just got her. I won’t breathe. I won’t sleep. I won’t eat if she’s not here to do it with me. And I promised her I would but I  _ can’t _ .” He continued to ramble the phrase until he felt arms wrap around his body, more than one pair, and he slowly slid down to the floor, burying himself in each of his kids’ arms. Eventually, they were joined on the floor by Todd and Eric, then Jill and Jen. Dennis and Patti and Mark followed soon after until they were all sitting on the floor, rocking back and forth and praying for a miracle. The bodies next to him, around him, calmed his nerves instantly. Even watching Gavin join the mess of limbs was a welcomed sight. At least he knew everyone was thinking and praying on the same thing now, together.  

The entire family stayed there until Doctor Williams came in the room an hour later. Everyone looked up. Blake stood and slowly everyone followed suit. 

“Okay. I’m not going to sugar coat this for you. Her organs are beginning to fail but its the result of the debris in her bloodstream.” 

“What does that mean? What can you do to help her?” Jen asked. 

“Not a lot. The circulation usually clears on its own. What we do is pump another IV in her, make her comfortable, monitor her condition and watch for any chest pain, tachycardia, shortness of breath or any loss of consciousness. There should be some improvement in the next couple of hours if she’s going to make it.” 

“What do you mean make it? Are you saying she could die?” King asked, the horror clear in his voice. 

Doctor Williams sighed. “It’s a possibility. Not a likely one right now but we normally say in situations like this to hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.” 

The family asked more questions but Blake couldn’t hear any of them as he slipped out of the room and walked down the hall, straight on through the ICU unit. She was in the same room as before and Blake finally let the tears flow, not caring who would see or judge. 

Gwen’s eyes were closed and there was a nurse next to her, administering another IV. 

“Is she okay?” He asked the woman. 

“The Doctor gave her a large dose of pain medicine to ease her discomfort. She’s sleeping through it.” 

He nodded, reaching out to caress her cheekbone softly. He sat down on the bed and put his head down next to her hand. He didn’t know how much time had past but when he finally raised his head to look at her, the rest of the family was in the room. They were completely silent. Blake was grateful for the quietness. He didn’t think he could stand anymore arguing or talk of Gwen’s recovery. 

He spent exactly four hours in that position, moving periodically to take some of the pressure off his back. There had been no significant improvement in her condition but there also wasn’t any significant deterioration. 

“Blake, you need to eat.”

He looked up to see half a bagel being thrusted into his line of vision. Apollo’s sweet face was looking down at him. 

“I can’t buddy.” 

“She wouldn’t like you neglecting yourself.” 

Blake rubbed his eyes, holding his hand out for the patestry. Just the weight of it in his palm had him feeling nauseous. He took two bites and gave it back to Apollo. 

A beep sounded from the monitor and everyone looked over to it. Another beep. The door slid open and a woman in a white coat entered. Cameron was behind her, her face blotchy and pink. He stood up, and now, there was no doubt who the news should be directed to first. 

“Mr. Shelton, I’m Dr. Becks. Dr. Williams is in surgery so he asked me to come and brief you on your fiance’s condition.” 

“He told us to wait, so we’re waiting.” 

Dr. Becks gave him a sympathetic smile. “That’s what I’ve come here to talk to you about. By now we would have hoped that her system would’ve cleared out. It hasn’t. Her kidneys are shutting down. Her liver is failing.” 

“No. She’s fine. She just needs more time.” 

“We can put her on dialysis but there isn’t a lot we can do for her circulatory system. It would be best to think about putting your affairs in order. I’m so sorry.” 

Blake shook his head. “She just needs more time. She’s just--I can’t--please don’t give up on her.  _ Please. _ ” 

“We will continue to do everything we can. I promise you that.” 

He looked up at the ceiling. He looked down at his shoes. He looked at the wall behind the doctor’s head. He looked everywhere around the room expect for at the people in it, except for his wife. That’s what she was now. Married or not. She was his wife. She was his wife and she was  _ leaving  _ him. 

“Mr. Shelton. I am obliged to tell you that if something should occur, if Ms. Stefani should stop breathing on her own, if her heart should stop beating by itself...we are authorized to withhold cardiopulmonary resuscitation or any advanced life support.”

Blake snapped his head to her. “What? You mean like...you won’t bring her back?” 

“She signed a DNR, Blake.” Cameron sniffled, looking at Gwen’s still form as she told him. 

He could hear a sob ring out in the room, was sure it was her mother. The moans of her brothers could be heard next. The disbelief from her sons following. The cries of their daughter the last. 

“Is Mom gonna die?” Lilith cried. 

Blake was useless to tell her anything different. He pushed passed Dr. Becks and Cameron to hold his baby girl in his arms. He ran a soothing hand down the length of her back and shushed her quietly. He had a million questions racing through his mind as he looked out the window at the falling sun. Like why him? Why now? Why did she sign away her life without even telling him first? Why did he feel the need to hold her just as she was feeling the need to let him go? Why did her heart stop beating just moments after the first star came out to shine in a lifeless black sky? Why did the breath leave her lungs so quickly shortly there after? Why wasn’t anybody doing anything about it? 

“Gwen?” He shook her. “Gwen?” Her body went completely limp in his arms. The monitors went off, the noise loud and brash to his ears.  

“Mom!” Lilith cried as Kingston held her back. There were tears everywhere, so much water and sorrow to drown him for a hundred lifetimes. 

“Cam!” He yelled through the open door. He turned back around to his wife. “Gwen, look at me, baby. Open your eyes!” 

“Page Williams and Becks.” Cameron called to a nurse as she laid the bed down so Gwen was lying flat on her back. She put a breathing mask over her face. 

“Blake. Blake. Look at me, there isn’t anything we can do--” 

“Bring her back. Bring her back!” 

“We can’t. She signed a D--” 

“I don’t care! Bring her back!” He shouted over and over again. 

“I’m sorry.” 

He closed his eyes and felt the air leaving him. He leaned down to her face, the tears falling over her eyes and mouth as he kissed her over and over and over. “Bring her back.” He whispered against her skin. “Bring her back. Bring her back. Please. Please. Come back to me. Come back to me. Please, don’t leave me. Oh God,  _ please _ .” 

This was like having a gun to his head and being told not to let his heart beat. He guessed that was what death felt like. It gave him some comfort to think that Gwen had been feeling the same thing in the same moment. He remembered the yelling and the shouting, the sound of machines telling him things he didn’t want to hear, the arms carrying him out of the room as bodies stormed in and spent what he thought were her last moments with her. He should have been the last person to touch her. 

Blake places a hand over his heart as he stares at the sunset, relishing in the cool air coming off of the water. He’s sitting a couple of feet away from the shoreline, leaning back in his fold up chair, arms crossed over his chest, the plaid he’s wearing doing wonders to help keep him warm enough. He twists the band around his left ring finger idly as he waits for the pause in the story to pass. 

“What did you see while you were dead, Grandma?”

Blake purses his lips, looking away from the ocean to his oldest grandson. He smiles at all five of his grandchildren as they sit in the sand on a blanket, eyes illuminated by the small fire in the middle. 

Blake looks over at his wife next to him. The cardigan she’s wearing is pulled over her small frame tightly. She isn’t wearing any makeup and her hair is more the color of white sand than blonde, pulled up into a loose ponytail behind her head. 

She’s beautiful. 

“Well. I could still hear. It was faint, like I was somewhere behind a glass and all of the voices were muffled but I could still hear your grandfather and your parents. They were all there, telling me to come back.” 

“And you did. You came back to grandpa after the nice lady nurse made your heart beat again. That’s what Daddy says happened.” There youngest granddaughter says proudly. Her brother, her twin as well, nods his head. “Yeah, and Papa says that you guys had a huge wedding after you learned how to walk again.” Harper is the spitting image of Mark and Ford is the spitting image of Kingston. It shocks him sometimes to look upon all of his grandchildren’s faces and see his kids staring back at him. 

He’s grinning again, something he started when he took his wife away after they got hitched and apparently never stopped. He can feel her eyes on him now. 

“That’s right. We got married and the rest is history.” She says, her eyes still looking upon his old and wrinkled face. 

“Now who wants peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch?” 

Hands shoot up in the air and Blake chuckles, standing up with much less grace these days. 

“Go play. We’ll call you in once it’s done.” He says to them. 

Their little bodies carry them all the way to the cold water again, and Blake hears Harvey barking in the distance, the sound of laughter following right behind it. 

He holds his hand out behind him for her to take and when he feels the slide of her fingers along his, his heart skips. Even after all these years. 

“You think I should die my hair?” She says much later as she moves around the kitchen, pulling cookies out of the oven and scooping spaghetti into bowls (the only thing all the kids will eat). 

Blake is sitting at the counter, helping Elliot put the finishing touches on his ship. He took up ship bottle making with his father after Blake had taught Apollo how to do it some odd years ago. Now, the three of them work on projects together as well as separately. 

“No.” He tells his wife. 

“Really? You like the white?” 

He looks up briefly at her head and shrugs. “I like your body aging the way it’s supposed to.” 

She frowns, and there are more wrinkles on her face than he remembers. It’s a sight to cherish. 

“Grandpa, can you put the sail on? I always have a hard time with it and daddy helps me.” Elliot asks. 

“Sure thing, El.” 

Harper, Charlotte, and Hazel all come bouncing into the kitchen, wearing their signature princess customs. “Are the cookies ready, grandma?” Charlotte asks, her blonde hair the same shade as Zuma’s. Her sister, Hazel, took after her mother in that department. 

“Yes but you guys can only have one each.” 

Tiny hands grab for more than one but his wife just shews them out of the kitchen so that she can finish setting up. 

Dinner gets eaten around six, the movie, Toy Story, gets finished around eight, the kids go down at ten. Blake lets them sleep in the living room inside the fort that he helped the rugrats build. He goes around the beach house, turning off lights and locking doors and windows. He remembers when they bought the place. He wanted to settle in Oklahoma or Montana but it was too far away from the kids and the grandbabies that were being popped out like candy. 

Blake shuts off the last lamp in the living room, the only light shining through the house now coming from the outside posts. He sees the finished ship bottle resting above the fireplace and he knows his wife must have put it up there. 

He smiles and walks to the bedroom. She’s already sleeping, a book resting lightly on her stomach. Blake climbs into bed as softly as he can, leaning over her body to set the book on the nightstand. He kisses her on the forehead and settles down underneath the sheets. 

“It seems like yesterday you were showing up at my door on that fourth of July.” She muses. 

“I thought you were asleep, faker.” 

She hums and moves over to lay her head on his chest. “I was. Remember when I ran away from home?” 

He rubbed her side with one hand, her arm and wrist with the other. “I remember.” 

“Or when I found your song book and you told me to finish it.” 

“I have no idea where the hell that is now. It was such a long time ago. I knew it wouldn’t last.” 

“The music?” 

“The pain.” 

She was quiet for a long time. “I remember singing together at King and Apollo’s concert.” 

“I remember the sex in the dressing room afterwards.” 

She hits his chest playfully. “Remember when you asked me if Lilith was yours?” 

“You know, memory lane is bringing up all the sad moments.” He comments. 

“Okay. Lilith’s birthday party. That song you sang for her.” 

“That was a nice one.” 

“You broke up with Miranda to be with me.” 

He chuckles, tightening his hold in her hair. “Oh God. I haven’t thought about her in  _ years _ .” 

“Good.” 

He pinches her arm. 

She leans up to kiss him. “To think it all started in July. Now it’s ending in July too.” 

“What do you mean?” 

She pecked him again. “Nothing. Go to sleep. I love you.” 

“I love you, too.”  

She rolls off of him to her side of the bed. She takes his arm with her as she does, and Blake presses himself along her back.

In the morning, as soon as he feels the coolness rushing in, he knows her heart is no longer beating underneath his hand. It doesn’t steal his breath away like he thought it would. It doesn’t make him want to cry and shout and beg white coats and God to bring her back to him.

He simply leans over, swipes the hair from her eyes, and waits for the water to settle. 

“Gwen.” He says, not in a whisper, not in a scream, just in the voice that he told her ‘I do’ that cold evening in December.

She doesn’t open her eyes. Blake thinks back to last night, to memory lane, to one moment in particular. Her voice was as clear as day as he remembers her asking that night on her porch, “How do you want me to leave you?” 

“Quietly,” he had answered. 

Blake sighs. She always had a way of getting what she wanted. 

He feels the only tear slide down his cheek. He kisses her softly. He feels the current. He sees the fish, their children and their children’s children. He walks over the bridge with her. 

 

 

 

He hears the water. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you loved it leave me a comment. If you hated it....still leave me a comment. A girl loves constructive criticism.


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